Surrender

[truetome]

I have been wanting to start a recovery journal since I joined TTF a few weeks ago. Unfortunately life got in the way a bit but that always seems to be my excuse for not following through right away on progressing in recovery. I attend a weekly SA meeting on Sunday mornings and this morning happened to go through Step 1 - Surrendering to God or your higher power your addiction. As I am still fairly new to TTF a little background on myself would probably help about now. The last time I viewed P was over 3 years ago. It was in October of 2008. I remember becuase my SO caught me and it started to unravel our relationship. Our marriage was really tested to say the least and needless to say I did not understand much of what she was going through at the time. I just knew I did a really bad thing and couldn't comprehend the consequences at the time. My use of P was infrequent over our marriage. However back in 2008 I got sucked into it by having a mobile phone with web access. I tried to rationalize that this behavior was normal and justify it by telling myself that I had always been faithful to my SO and that is what mattered. Imagine to my dismay when I finally started seeing things from her side (Albeit many months later) that lust, fantasy and the use of P is really not that much different than having an affair.I often wished I saw it that way before becoming an addict. Although with all addictions the consequences hit after the damage has been done. I have come to learn this addiction of mine developed well before I ever met my SO. Accepting my addiction has always been a difficul concept for me. It still remains a challenge from time to time because I relate an addiction to not having control. I keep learning the hard way that the fact is I have no control over anything which at times is really difficult for me to accept. But as I write this I do have 19 months of sobriety of not MB which I never in my life would have thought I would be able to do. I started therapy in May 2010 and started attending SA meetings in September of 2010. I can still remember the words of my therapist giving me the results of my evalution that I have a "mild SA". What!? Me?! That cannot be! My behaviors in my mind did not warrant that type of shameful branding. But after my first SA meeting when I felt that was a place I needed to be, among people that struggle with the same issues, problems and struggles I started thinking, ok maybe I do have an addiction. So over a year later the topic of surrender was discussed. It has not been the first time either but for today, I am going to try and surrender. I am a SA/PA. it is what I am and not who I am. I struggle with lust and need to protect myself from images that may trigger me and have learned to deal with them when they are unavoidable. I am worth it to not feel shameful and I don't need to isolate and use P or MB to escape anxiety and cope with feelings of inadequecy. I have practiced a combination of sheer will, control and negative recovery tactics over the past 19 months to keep sober. Today I want to surrender and start working towards a positive recovery. One which involves my SO as she has seen me grow and re-discover myself in a positive manner and I have seen how beautiful, loving and forgiving she can be. I look forward to posting my journey on this journal and thank TTF for being here.
Be back soon,
Matt

[Mac]

Well Matt welcome to TTF
You have made a great choice to come here and share your story.
Just writing about your struggles and getting it out there will help you see for yourself what recovery can feel like.
Your story is not unlike the story for a lot of us here. I for one have had this as part of my life in one form or another for most of my life. I have been P & MB free for about 20 months and the support i have got here has been a godsend for sure. I hope you find it the same for yourself.
Glad you are here and be sure to come here often.

All the best
Mac

[truetome]

Day 2 journal post:
I am a bit tired tonight but want to make this a regular habit. I am afraid if I start skipping and not trying to write every night this will be just another futile attempt to focus on a positive recovery. That being said I think I want to try and recall how I became an addict. What helped was reading the book "Wired for Intimacy; how P affects the male brain". I can't remember who wrote it but I do remember seeing in the TTF bookstore. I find it astonishing how I can remember images from when I was just 9 or ten years old. But it was no so much the exposure of the curiosity of a young boy that led me here. I had always had self esteem issues growing up. I never saw myself as ever being good enough despite being encouraged by my parents to always try and achieve my best. I was an above average student but not an honors student. That is because I never worked to my full potential. I was always looking for the easy way out so I wouldn't have to study so hard. Prior to High School I was very athletic. I was also comfortable performing in front of others in school plays. Prior to High School I was generally happy. Comfortable with myself, comfortable with my religion and I would have to say it was the last time I can remember being comfortable and confident in just being me. My Freshman year in HS I attended an all boys Catholic school. I went from having a "B" average, running cross country track, performing in a local CYO theater production in the fall and winter to smoking, trying pot and drinking in the spring. It was also the year I learned how to MB and isolate my stress and worries away. It was the beginning of living 2 different lives for me. I know how much effort it takes to live one life today so I don't know how I even managed to struggle living the 2 different lives I was living back then. To clarify a bit, my one life was the good son who went to Church on Sundays and helped around the house. Until I left the house when I turned into what I thought was a cool kid that smoked, hung out and got high and drank alcohol. At 15 I was still pretty shy around girls. This was about the time I would hear stories from my friends of them and thir girfriends. I stared to become conflicted with my Catholic beliefs and the hormones going crazy inside me. MB started to become a regular outlet for me. Had I only known then of the self destructive consequences this would have for me in the future it may have been different. Well enough for tonight. Goodnight TTF!

[truetome]

Day 3 Journal Post:
Ok so I fell asleep last night before being able to write on here. It wasn't late either! So i'm not going to beat myself up for being tired today. So to continue from my last journal entry about living 2 different lives and how I managed to develop this huge Character defect in High School. This just happened to be baggage I carried into my marriage. My SO never had a chance because I never showed her this side of me. Also back when we got married, P was not as easily accessible as it is today. There were very little home computers. The internet was available at schools but it was not easily accessible. The point is there was no easy access except to be vulnerable and go to a P shop or S club. Although I would probably never get caught I couldn't chance it. Any fix I got was from cable TV late at night or early in the morning. This happened for a long time and even continued after I got my first computer. There was less of a chance of me getting caught with the TV than with the computer. Regardless of the medium I was hiding by compulsive use of P. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. after all I felt I was faithful in my marriage and I was under the illusion that all guys did this. The sad part about this was I was buying what I was watching. I mean not monetarily but the norm in my head was what I was viewing and not what was happening in our bedroom. Over time the the real and the unreal became confused. It would cause anxiety with me. It started to affect my marriage in ways I couldn't recognize. It caused me to isolate and close off. My SO would often ask "Is everything OK?" and my answer was always "Everything is just fine." I always felt my problems were for me to deal with. Not just my usage of P but everything from financial concerns to small tasks that had to be done around the house. It's funny I kind of took the same attitude when I started recovery and it let denial play a huge factor. I guess my point for this evening is that not all consequences of PA are obvious. You have carefully re trace your steps throughout your addiction to identify a lot of hidden consequences. How wrong was was I with my "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude. I have read so many stories where this attitude carried many SA's from viewing P to having S outside their marriage. I consider myself blessed my addiction never took me that far down the road. My "bottom" was fear of losing my family over P usage. I never felt that horrible in my life once I realized the damage that was done and never felt the frustration as I did when trying to fix it on my own. I now realize I cannot do this alone. And it is Ok for me to receive and depend on help from my SO and other addicts that are experiencing the same struggles............

[JenMac]

Hey Truetome!
What you are saying here makes a lot of sense to me. Mac and I have recently been discussing these very things. How much did his p use change the way he thought about certain things, not just s*xually but in many ways. Were his expectations in our marriage blurred because of what he was filling his mind with? Was his thinking distorted? Of course the answer is, it must have been.
Takes a long time to come to some of these realizations doesn't it Truetome? It doesn't happen right away. It seems to be an understanding on a deeper level. There have been a lot of those along the way for us. Seems there has been for you too.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery T! Glad you are here!
Jenn

[truetome]

Thanks Jen,
Yes life was distorted and in a way our marriage was distorted for a long time. The addiction creeps into your life and it tends to draw lines you don't even realize were there. I was talking to My SO last night about how when life got crazy raising the kids, her attention to them and my pride getting in the way of not telling her I felt lonely started a type of separation between me being the SA and viewing P on one hand and trying to be the good husband and father on the other. The P was a secret. It was my way of coping with feeling lonely and inadequate. I justified it with almost a feeling of entitlement since I worked so hard and she was not available for me late at night when I finally finished working. After all I wasn't going to wake her up at 1 or 2 am for her to be intimate with me. Although she would have preferred that to what I would do. But as you stated it goes even deeper than the PA or SA that this effects. I remember my SO telling me one day my priorities were work, the kids, everything else I wanted to do, then her. At the time she told me this I was not in recovery yet and I resented it. In my mind, being the bread winner, doing chores around the house when she didnt ask for me to do them and running the kids around when ever I could should have won me the "husband of the year award". Don't get me wrong I love helping my wife out whenever I can but her point was all she ever wanted was me and for me to want to be with her, not just physically in person but emotionally and spiritually. As I write in this journal I realize more and more how I wasn't there for her as much as my ego back then told me I was. This is what P amd MB creates. A false sense of "being" and justification to fuel the isolation and to bury any and all emotion and pain you may have. I have to say the more I learn the more my wife and I talk and share of how we were just co-existing and parenting together. Since I have started to open up and trust me she has seen me at my most vulnerable state I feel closer than ever to her. It is absolutely beautiful. And now we share our feelings in a way haven't in a very long time. I have to tell you it is so much better than felling isolated and focusing on the unreal and being consumed by things that are just not important. I don't ever want to go back to that. And I know the way to never go back is to attend SA meetings regulary, post on TTF and share all of it and my feelings with my SO. My SO is a member on TTF as well. I shared with her last night that I am slowly preparing myself to read some of her posts as I know they will reflect the pain, anger and devatation she felt. But I am so happy she found TTF. It helped and continues to help her tremendously. And I am happy to say we help each other so much now. For once in my life I am actually allowing someone to help me. And when you are in no position to help yourself, I call that a blessing!!

[Disillusioned]

Hi Truetome,
Welcome to TTF. There are many here who have lost their way, just as you have. Many who had accepted the lies that P purveyors spread...all men do this. Nothing wrong with it, because you haven't physically exchanged fluids. You work hard and need a little relaxation. Then, you find you are snared by something you never realized had the potential to change your brain.
Your journal is so honest and heart felt. Thank you for sharing it. I am grateful you are seeing the beauty, wisdom, forgiveness, and love in your own wife. May I congratulate you on being alive and aware in your own life, your real life. There will be bumps, disappointments, temptations, but it is your life, and it is wonderful to see you aware of it and wanting it. Good luck on your journey, Matt, and thank you for the honesty in your journals. I needed to hear this tonight. You have helped me, even though I responded to your journal as a friendly welcome to TTF. That's the way this works, Matt. We reach out to others and try to help or encourage, and end up finding our own way sometimes.
disillusioned

[truetome]

Thank you disillusioned. After spending the majority of my life with my secret of P and MB I find it so important to be honest mostly with myself. I started this journal for me and if others can benefit, relate and find encouragement or comfort that is just a wonderful bonus. And I know that is how support works because I have benefitted myself by reading posts on this board, being a witness to some incedible shares in my recovery and reading books that include the triumphs and failures of others that have gone down this road before me. Currently my recovery is key in helping me deal with a lot of uncertainty in my life. I was laid off from job back in August after working for a large corporation for the past 14 years. I am currently working on a comission sales position where I have not made any money for the past month. Meanwhile the clock on my severence and benefits seems to be speeding up. I have 4 children and one in college. If I were in this position 2 years ago I don't think I would be managing a third as well as I am now. Recovery has taught me perspective as to what is really important to me. Not that securing a financial future for my family is not important but it is not my only priority. For today I am grateful for having the courage to forge ahead into the unknown without feeling the pressure my addiction would put on me in years past. My SO and I were talking last night that it takes work to be happy and it takes very little effort to be unhappy. But the work is so worth the reward of being honest and in touch with your feelings and being able to share them with others.
Happy Friday TTF!

[JenMac]

Wow Truetome! Such wisdom in your posts! You are no newcomer to recovery, I am certain of that! You are learning on that deeper level that only comes with time. Time and effort and feeling the fruits of that effort.
I am so glad that you are learning to let go of the trials that we have no control over. I think it is a true testiment to our recovery work when we are able to do that. My time in Alanon taught me so much in those terms. I imagine it is similar in SAA? Life takes many twists and turns and the best we can do is to make a concerted effort not to be tossed off kilter in the process. While it may not always be easy to acheive that peace, it can be such a blessing when we can.
Love reading about the connection you are forging with your wife Matt. That is the most amazing thing through all of this! It is like we are looking through new eyes at times. Definately an awakening of sorts, in my mind!
All the best to you both!
Jenn

[truetome]

My SO said something to me today that has stuck in my mind all afternoon. She said I am healthier (mentally) than I think I am. My response was "maybe but I am definitely healthier mentally than I give myself credit for". So for tonight I want to just think for a minute of why I don't feel the accomplishments I have made in recovery do not warrant the perverbial reward or celebration others think I should acknowledge. For starters I think it is just in my nature or dysfunctional upbringing that I never give myself credit for my accomplishlents in general. I am highly critical of myself in all aspects. I recognize how this can work against me especially in recovery but I think I have made a lot of progress to the point where I actually like myself. For many years I never did. The issue of forgiving myself for my addiction becomes an issue for me. To specify the damage I have done in my marriage and the pain I have caused my SO I know I haven't forgiven myself fully yet. I am very grateful I have found the path to recovery and have the courage now to be able to stay in the light of truth but I feel my milestones don't warrant the special attention given to these types of victories. An example is the celebration of sobriety dates. I find it it worth while to congratulate and draw of others that celebrate great lenghts of sobriety but for me I almost feel I shouldn't for myself because this is the behavior I should have been practicing all along. Last month would have been one year since joining SA. Although I get a tremendous amount out of these meetings and the feeling that I am not alone in the fight against lust I sometimes feel I resent the fact I have to go to begin with. Of course I don't feel that way after a meeting it is usually before. I have realized this will be a recovery for life with no magic bullet cure and I know I will need to progress in my recovery for the rest of my life. I hope soon I will allow myself to fully recognize my accomplishments in my recovery. I know I have changed, I feel like a better person and am a lot more comfortable in dealing with the stresses of everyday life without P and MB. However sometimes I feel if I take an anniversary chip and celebrate my sobriety it would feel like I am carrying around a scarlet letter more than a celebratory token to remind me I have support in recovery. I guess what I am trying to say is that I still feel shame in the acceptance of my addiction. I am sure it is normal and it is something that I am not totally alone in feeling but definitely something I need to work on. I think this feeling has also served as a barrier in formalizing step work in SA and getting an official sponsor. I have shared this with my group and my SO before but I have not gotten over that mental block that keeps me from progressing even more in my recovery. I pray I find the courage to overcome this soon as I think it would really help in being able to not only see and feel the good things I have accomplished but to be able to better project the feeling of self satisfaction to others that struggle with it.