My Journey

[cody92]

It has been 12 days since I've used P. I thought I would start a journal here to help me and for support as well. The first few days were pretty easy, had my mind all set to do this, then towards the 7th day it got a little rocky. I was starting to have weird dreams about P actually or P related situations. I've read that dreams can be a way for us to work through our stuff, so that may be the reason.

I've been getting into meditation more, it's actually one of the classes I'm taking at my school, "Meditation and Mindfulness" And that is helping me a lot! I've been taking this class for 5 weeks now, and at first it was hard to get my mind to focus and not get impatient but as I practiced more I was able to do it more. And that's what helped me to start my journey with this to free myself from the P addiction.

Starting yesterday and continuing into today I've just had this feeling of loss and actually missing P. And I know that's the addiction because when I get out of that state of mind, there's nothing to miss. But I also see my perception changing on love and sex which is good because I had such a bad outlook on it after being hurt in a relationship.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

It has been 12 days since I've used P. I thought I would start a journal here to help me and for support as well. The first few days were pretty easy, had my mind all set to do this, then towards the 7th day it got a little rocky. I was starting to have weird dreams about P actually or P related situations. I've read that dreams can be a way for us to work through our stuff, so that may be the reason.

Starting yesterday and continuing into today I've just had this feeling of loss and actually missing P. And I know that's the addiction because when I get out of that state of mind, there's nothing to miss. But I also see my perception changing on love and sex which is good because I had such a bad outlook on it after being hurt in a relationship.

Hey cody

It is nice seeing that you have reached 12 days of freedom from this addiction. being new to recovery, that is a huge number of days that you have. just keep the determination in your heart to do this, and you will be just fine. the thing is, just always be on guard. sometimes in our recovery, we get a little comfortable in it, because we feel that we are being successful in fighting of this beast. but be aware my friend, that sneaky beast, is right there waiting for the right time, to sneak in on us.

Just like you said, that you starting having the feeling, that you were missing P. you see what this beast id trying to do to you>, he is trying to make you feel that you are missing out on something good in life, and he wants to make you go back into the darkness of this addiction. And I do know, that you realize there is nothing to miss, or you wouldn't be here, trying to stay away from this beast.

Just keep on guard against him, and close your ears when he is there whispering things to you.

I don't think I ever formally welcomed you here to TTF, so I am doing that now. though it is sad that you need to be here, I am glad that you are, to get the much needed help in this battle, we are on in. good luck to you, and i wish you the best in your recovery. keep coming here, letting us all know in how you are doing

Gerald

[likeafish34]

Cody,
Well done. 12 days is a good start.
It's to be expected that at times your mind will tell you that you're missing P.
It's very easy to get dragged back in. Keep up your guard and don't give in.
As I'm only about a week into my recovery (this time. lol), I'm not necessarily the best qualified person to give advice, but I'm going to anyway!
A couple of suggestions:
- Look for your triggers. For most of us there are things that set our minds off thinking about porn. One of mine is work related stress. Once you understand your triggers, you can avoid situation where you'll be triggered.
- Get out of the house and do stuff. Anything. Just get yourself away from that PC

Good luck

Siomon

[cody92]

Thanks you two for your awesome replies, advice, and support. It is taking a lot of courage to just come on here and say all these things about myself, but I know you know how that feels, which helps. I'm still going strong! This weekend has been pretty easy, I've been busy with other things consuming my mind. I'm feeling pretty motivated, inspired, and accomplished for doing this for myself and sticking with it. I've done so many times in the past, but then I'd go back when I felt weak, and we are human so we can't get down on ourselves when we mess up with this, that only makes things worse, and I feel it makes us stronger by not feeding into our weakness with anger or sadness but rather then realizing we had a moment but can easily recover and begin again.

[truetome]

Hi Cody,
I am fairly new to TTF but want to welcome you. I am not new to recovery and PA though. You have to take this one day at a time. It does take a lot of courage to post on this board and I thank you for it. This is the reason people like me come here. To not feel alone in our struggle with this awful addiction. The more support you can find the easier it becomes. If you feed the lust it grows, if you starve it, it dies. I know this is easier said than done at first but trust me it does get easier. I have not looked at P for 3 years or MB in 19 months. I still have difficult times especially when I feel lonely or "less than". Try to identify what triggers you and avoid it. Meditation as you mentioned is good. And no matter what, keep coming back here and share. Once you share it is out of you and in the light. The loss you feel is the addiction calling because it is something you have turned to for so long. When you turn to positive things instead you will feel so much better than the quick fix and then damaging effects that P provides.
Stay Strong! I'm pulling for you,
Matt

[cody92]

I'll definitely work on identifying what triggers it. It's 1:23am right now, feeling a little lonely, and having temptations to look, but I'm starting to feel how it feels to not have it in my life and that good feeling it brings to be free from it which is keeping me strong.

[truetome]

Cody for me feeling lonely was a huge trigger. Especially late at night when everyone is was asleep. Nobody awake to catch me and not wanting to wake up my SO. I took the easy way out. For a large part of staying sober is keeping myself safe. I won't even watch TV early in the morning because I know what programming is on before 7AM. I used to watch it. For now if keeping yourself safe means no computer late at night then do it. The TTF library has excellent reading material which will do 2 things: 1- keep you off the computer when you are vulnerabe and 2 reading about the struggles of others that face the same issues and challenges will make you feel not so lonely.

[cody92]

Well it's been 3 weeks and 2 days since I've looked at P! What a journey it has been so far. I've had my ups and downs, and right now for some reason I'm just having this strong annoyed and impatient feeling. Not just with this but with everything in my life, I think I've been thinking wayyyy too much! I start to get ahead of myself, and then I feel like I'm not enough then get down on myself, which leads to lack of self worth, then the urge to look at P. At least I'm seeing the pattern more clearly now. I just need to slow down, and feel good with where I'm at right now.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Well it's been 3 weeks and 2 days since I've looked at P! What a journey it has been so far. I've had my ups and downs, and right now for some reason I'm just having this strong annoyed and impatient feeling. Not just with this but with everything in my life, I think I've been thinking wayyyy too much! I start to get ahead of myself, and then I feel like I'm not enough then get down on myself, which leads to lack of self worth, then the urge to look at P. At least I'm seeing the pattern more clearly now. I just need to slow down, and feel good with where I'm at right now.

cody

Wow, it is nice seeing you made it over 3 weeks. this is a big encouragement for us to see. the ups and downs, well my friend, we all have them, and we may always will. but to be honest, if you just keep working your recovery the best that you can, you will soon find out, that there are way more ups than the downs.

Take one day at a time, and don't try to get ahead of yourself in this. like you said, when you do this, you start feeling that you are not good enough, and it is just this addiction, trying to put you in a weak spot. the thing is, you are good enough, and you will just be better in time.

Stand firm against this beast, show him how you feel about him now, and let him know, he is no longer welcome in your life.

Keep up the good job, you are doing just fine

Gerald

[wantingfreedom]

Cody,
It's great that you are posting and fighting this addiction. It has been a part of my life for 40 years and I have been p/m-free since 27 June of this year. It is a tough battle but you will win, if you want to that is.
We all need to identify triggers, work out how to avoid them, how to deal with them if they can't be avoided, routines for each day and stick to them. Sounds like a lot but if you take it one step/day at a time then all is achievable.
You are not alone and there is always someone responding to posts so come to TTF, better still, keep it up on your system so that you can flick here instead of there.
If you want a proper education about p and it's evils (yeah, evils, because it is) search Gail Dines for her discussions and educational material.
Stay strong.

wf