The Campaign

[JOla80]

First of all I am on the 6th day free of P and MB since my last relapse. This round seems to be going better so far. I received pictures from a female friend that were all decent. Normally I'd MB but this time I did not have the urge. Back when we last saw each other in high school I thought I was in love with her and to this day there is something there that is deeper than just physical. However, while I did drink in her looks; (removed) it did not trigger MB. As I've continued the healing process I find that with certain women that I really care about I do not want to MB because it pollutes the mental image I have of the woman. Like this girl which I can stare at for 10-15 minutes and want to be with but do not want to MB and don't even desire it.

Speaking of which, since really pushing back against MB and P these habits seem more and more like smoking. They don't really do much for me except relax me when I just need to get that fix. Compared to 5 or 6 years ago when P and MB really made me feel ecstatic; now P and MB are just a way to get my relaxation. I guess part of it is that my brain is getting real good at telling the difference between real sex and this aberration of P and MB. Not saying that I don't need to quite P and MB, or that I am addicted; it's just that I can potentially see an end to it.

The longest I've gone without P and MB has been 2 weeks. After that I cracked over really stupid things like seeing some full dressed woman in a commercial. Really, it's just me going "ah well, no big deal, it's just a little MB." I need to completely eradicate this disease though. Still, from the baseline where I MBed twice a day along with P this is so much better.

Right now I'm feeling optimistic. We'll see how my tune changes once I approach day 20 or so.

[JOla80]

I watched Dr Patrick Carnes on youtube. He made a lot of sense but he also made me more apprehensive of my future, this country's future, and frankly, the future of our global society.

In the USA sex addiction is clearly a taboo as is MB and P. However, it is even more of a taboo in most other places around the world outside of maybe some Western European nations. What happens when P addiction hits a place like China where children live in fear and constant stress? At least the PRC has censorship, but in South Korea or Japan that censorship is minimal if non-existent. Dr Carnes said by his estimate 2/3 or middle schoolers watch P and by extension MB on a regular basis. If they are watching online P they are messed up for life.

Back to myself I look at when I started P and MB in light of Dr Carnes' enlightening interviews. I was a little kid living in fear of my parents. In my family I had to get straight As no matter what. My parents always thought American schools were easy and demanded that I be the best. If I slipped up I would get smacked around. My grandparents raised me for several years in the old country and they were the same; perfect grades or corporal punishment.

Honestly, I'm probably going to be as hard on my kids as well. I don't mind the punishment because in our world you cannot be less than perfect in public school. If your parents do not punish you the system which says "you're all winners" will definitely punish you eventually. The economy is way too competitive and I am proud of how they raised me. They did not have money for baby sitters or tutors; I had to be self sufficient or get a reckoning.

However, P and MB became the perfect "cigarettes". I'd come home from school and after doing all my work and chores I'd chill with some P time. Ok, I'm lying, sometimes I'd do it before and look forward to it all day. My parents even discovered it a couple of times but were too misinformed to realize how big of a problem it was. They grew up in a country where not even the equivalent of (removed) existed; to them a kid MBing was no big deal, a little straight P just meant I wasn't gay.

Here is something bizarre. This year I got a letter I wrote to myself in 7th grade as instructed by our English teacher at the time. First of all it took me a week to figure out where it came from, but I did not recognize myself. The kid who wrote that letter was angry, depressed, and clearly had some inferiority complex. I even wrote some hateful stuff about my father that I cannot imagine writing today. I literally had to contact my English teacher and ask him if he had given me a pen-pal only to be told that I had written the diatribe. So I was basically an angry achiever with a decent facade.

I remember I did deeply dislike one thing my parents did back then. I worked my but off during the school year and did all the house cleaning. I didn't get any allowance or whatever typical kids get in the movies. (Do American kids really get allowances, btw? or is it just movies?). Anyway, I just wanted one thing and one thing only. A summer to be left alone to do what I wanted to on the block with my friends. Instead for several summers my parents forced me to go back to the old country and it really pissed me off. When I was home alone I don't know how much P and MB I did, but really, I used to have these long days outside playing with my friends. Instead, the heart of my summer was spent with my grandparents against my free will.

I remember being embarrassed to object, because I did like spending time with my grandparents and I highly respect them. However, one summer around 7th grade my parents asked me if I wanted to go. I said no, I don't want to, just leave me alone. Instead my parents said too bad, you're going anyway. Why even ask?

I even remember getting slowly fed up with the program. In 8th grade I distinctly remember talking to my mom after she came home late in the evening after another long day at work. I told her I did not want to go to college. I got slapped around a lot at that point. Not physical abuse now, open palm heavy hits.

Until about junior year of college I was fueled by fear of my parents and their expectations. That's all it was, just pure fear. The main reasons I never touched weed, cocaine, ecstasy, and all this junk that people around me did was fear. Drugs lead to bad grades and you become a loser. My parents would not tolerate a B in high school; my father would have beat me up for drugs. Heck, my parents never had a sex or drugs talk with me, they did not have to. Maybe if I was under the impression that P addiction is for losers and gets you bad grades I would have kept away from it too.

P and MB were my free drugs. Except for losing my virginity with a prostitute at the age of 18, sleeping with another prostitute shortly after, and one or twice paying for webcam girls. I still remember debating whether to hire another prostitute or get a girlfriend in college. Turns out getting a girlfriend is much easier; making a relationship is a lot harder. It's not love, it's just a sex addiction.... heck my first girlfriend even resembled my first prostitute.

[JOla80]

Day 7 and the usual urges to hit up *** [certain] website[s] have surfaced. This time I really cannot due to my work, thank God for that. I still looked up some information about online dating, saw some pictures in advertisements but nothing remotely P and no galleries. I'm not hitting up the dating scene for several months or longer anyway, but this is a bad sign. I usually get like this before a relapse. What's good but also bad is how successful I've been at online dating in the past. I know that if I wanted to I could get my sexual fix this month; but I will not.

Messed up thing is that I typed something completely unrelated to P and one of the images that popped up with safe search enabled was P. Then I switched to strict mode just to see what happens and the image was even higher on the list. I think the Devil is testing me because it definitely got the circuits running again but I just closed google. I barely caught a glimpse but man, it sure can trigger you. Worst of all, it was just the kind of woman I enjoy the most looks wise. Ah well, if you are healed you can't crack at the first sign of a nude picture or real life nudity.

[HopefulsRock]

JOLa... I see your all over the site posting and reading too I hope and that's a good thing! There is much wise counsel here and it does you good to get your story out as well in hopes to better understand what it will take to succeed in this journey of recovery. It's so easy to think that you got this in one moment and then fall flat on your face the next due to overconfidence... I know this from experience but I learned from it and my hope in being here is to pass that along and perhaps save others from making the same mistakes. Actually I believe what we're all doing here is sharing and supporting each other in hopes that we all can get past this and on to a better more positive life so really we're in this together... Team TTF, of which your now a member and I thank you for making that step and joining the cause. One of the things i struggled with the most in the beginning was realizing just who I was and admitting it to myself and what really helped me was another member posting this about denial;

Checklist: 14 types of denial - 06-18-2010, 05:54 PM


1. Global Thinking
This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever”. It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this”.

2. Rationalization
This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated”, or “You’re crazy”, or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem”. Rationalization is telling yourself Rational Lies.

3. Minimizing
This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little”, or “only once in a while”, or “it’s no big deal”, or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.

4. Comparison
This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”.

5. Uniqueness
This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different” or “I was hurt more” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy”. This one can also be considered Entitlement.

6. Distraction (Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction)
This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.

7. Avoiding by Omission
This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.

8. Blaming
This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job”, or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous”.

9. Intellectualizing
This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

10. Victim Mentality (Hopelessness/Helplessness)
This is where a person says, “I’m a victim”, or “I can’t help it”, or “There is nothing I can do to get better” or “I’m the worst”.

11. Manipulative behavior
This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.

12. Compartmentalizing
This is something that almost every addict does. This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jekyll and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”.

13. Crazymaking
This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception… we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

14. Seduction
This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.


As far the member could make out from the website where they found the above, it originates or is adapted from one of the books by Patrick Carnes.

JOLa I wish you strength in this journey of recovery from this addiction... it is a process and takes time just like it took time for you to get to this point. The time spent now is well worth every minute and will liberate you from this ever consuming addiction.

[JOla80]

I typed all this stuff before looking at Carnes' video. Turns out I'm a perfectly normal P addict. Most people start at my age, they use it to relieve stress, and they do messed up stuff later. It's day 8 and I'm feeling great. I'm probably going to get booted off this website but so far, my arguments with its rather simple minded but good hearted population have steered me off porn. Too bad they shut down my general discussion. Instead of thinking about P and MB I was focusing on how to prove some of these people wrong.

They probably won't laugh when they read this. Well I tried.

P.S. This morning I woke up thinking of a girl. Totally normal in the morning and I beat that by reading a news-magazine and then typing away on TTF.

[wantingfreedom]

JOla80,
You are trying to understand your condition and that's a good thing. You must realize though that p has affected the way you percieve reality. Discussing, being critical, recognition, participation in the sharing of ideas is the way to gain better insight.
If you objectively review the responses that your posts elicit, you will see that the opinions of most pa's and SO's is differing from yours. That's not to say that your ideas are wrong outright but that your ideas are skewed. We all have different needs and live in situations that have extenuating circumstances, but, when it comes to the basic human condition, respect for one another is paramount.
Wants and desires are fulfilled on a two way street and the sign posts are written in the language of sharing and compassion. Please stop to read these signs because you may be travelling with blinders on and that is not a healthy way to travel. We pa's know of what we speak and our lessons learned will benefit you and others if you take the time to reflect on what you read.
Being on TTF is perhaps your greatest weapon, and I do mean weapon, against the p and m existance. Keep coming back because you're worth it.

wf