Marriage torn apart... Now living a life renewed

[aaronleong]

I figured it's time to begin a new thread since the title of my previous one is kind of moot now.

Hi, I'm new to this site...

My backstory can be read here:

Wife of 6-years Wants a Divorce

It's day 162 of Operation No Jack. Felt a need to masturbate last night (it's backed up!), but shut it down with some - don't laugh - country music.

Anyway. pardon me for writing this little biblical lesson to start off. I thought it might help some of us, at least. The lesson talks about parents and siblings, but I feel it definitely applies to anyone struggling with the thought of leaving their family or their porn addict.

The Key to a Healthy Family - pt.1
Genesis 25, 27 - Unhealthy family dynamics, namely:

1. Trying to be competitive, i.e. sibling rivalry.
Done through sports, then school, looks, popularity - it all revolves around competition. Sometimes between husband and wife. Competition between parents and child. College to job, or money making. Things like these also are present in the church family.

2. Claiming independence
Thinking that severing relationships with family will solve problems. We must have relationships to exist. God made us this way.

3. Hosea 2:2-15
Thinking "What's in it for me?" is selfishness. Happiness that is centered on getting "what I deserve". Some people who live on this principle (e.g. Gomer and Israel) are leeches. Why is God/Hosea married to Israel/Gomer? There is no reason for God/Hosea to love Israel/Gomer. They just do. God just does.

The Key: Unselfish Giving, i.e. Giving out of love with strings attached.
God is vulnerable and lays His love on the line. That kind of love is more likely to win the human heart.

So there you have it. Thank you patiently reading this, guys. Want to know one interesting fact about this lesson? It's actually my wife's notes. Yes, you heard right -- about 10 years ago (she was 19), she took these very same notes down in a lecture she had. And one day she decided that she had enough, that I was her Gomer. What happened to that awesome, compassionate and hot woman I fell in love with? You can thank myself and her for that. Porn, lies and internet may have started all of this, but it was her who decided to drop the rope.

[2frustrated]

I'm truly sorry about the anguish you're facing with the breakup. You must be feeling so many emotions right now. Angry, disappointed, lonely, resentful, despairing . . .

I can only say that you are in my thoughts and I wish to share some of your pain.

[Mac]

Hey there Aaron
I too really feel for you and your situation. You feel you are on the right road, the road to recovery, and then the rug gets pulled.
The problem is, just because we PA's are recovering, doing all the right things doesn't mean our SO's are following the same path. It has been said and acknowledged here all kinds of times that our SO's struggle longer and harder than we do. The thing is we as PA's have a direct connection to where we have been and what we have done and been involved in, where as our SO's only have us as a connection to that and as you know that may not be the most reliable source in their mind at this time. Just saying that it is very hard for our SO's to really grasp all this and sometimes it is just more than they choose to deal with.
I really feel your frustration and anger, but I also hope that it is directed in the appropriate direction.
It really sucks, but we all know why we are here.
Keep coming here for the support to get through this, you have far to much invested in yourself to let anything send you back to what you have worked so hard to get away from

All the best my friend
Mac

[wantingfreedom]

Aaron,
Recovery is what is most important because without it nothing else will work for you. Don't allow yourself to use p and m if at all possible. Find other ways to get relief from your grief and pain. Exercise will help and so will meditation.
Stay strong Aaron and keep coming here to get your support because that is what TTF is all about.

wf

[aaronleong]

Whoa, it's been 2 months since I last checked in. Thanks all y'all for dropping in!


UPDATE
9 Days until I see our son again! This is, by far, the longest time he's been away. I really hope this doesn't become the norm. I just want to update you guys on two of my battlefronts:


1. Divorce: I'm completing the initial financial disclosure forms in order to move the divorce along. Have a phone appointment with my lawyer later to discuss the next course of action. Please pray for this; I hate what I'm doing and hate that I have to do it.


2. Porn addiction: So far, so good. I'm on day 223 of Operation No Jack. Time really flies when you don't think about it, or more precisely, when the addiction isn't at the forefront of your mind. Can I make it to a year (365 days)? Oh yes!

[astander]

Hey Aaron. I am really sorry that the divorce is moving along. But you know, prayer is powerful. Unless your wife remarries someone else, don't EVER give up praying that your marriage will be restored. Check out a website called Rejoice Marriage Ministries. That website, along with one called Bible Studies at the Moorings, really encouraged me, more than I can say. Most people will say that divorce is the end and your marriage can't be restored, but it's simply not true. Keep doing what you're doing, there's hope.

[Disillusioned]

I am so sorry for your loss, Aaron. It is good you tried to understand all the elements that went wrong, and it is so much healthier FOR YOU and the people who love and care for you that you are staying away from P with country music or cow tilting. Whatever works that doesn't hurt anyone. I've never done it, but cow tilting is probably injurious to innocent cattle. Let's say magazine tearing. That doesn't hurt anyone else, and you can recycle the paper.
I don't mean to be seeing this as light or funny. The end of a marriage is a death in every way. What was a living union witnessed by others and usually blessed by a spiritual leader. It had its own strengths, personality and problems. There were good times and there were bad times, and when it is over, it is a loss to everyone who cared about the people involved.
I pray you find hope in your life, Aaron. Whatever lies ahead will be better without p bringing you down.
disillusioned

[aaronleong]

Hey Aaron. I am really sorry that the divorce is moving along. But you know, prayer is powerful. Unless your wife remarries someone else, don't EVER give up praying that your marriage will be restored. Check out a website called Rejoice Marriage Ministries. That website, along with one called Bible Studies at the Moorings, really encouraged me, more than I can say. Most people will say that divorce is the end and your marriage can't be restored, but it's simply not true. Keep doing what you're doing, there's hope.

Astander, that is so true. Thank you for this reminder. I joined a similar "program" earlier in the separation (Dec 2010) called Divorce Busting and it's been amazing in my perspective, behavior, hope and even my porn recovery. But like I said, I thank you for the reminder because I think my heart and soul has come so far, that I do not live day to day pining for my wife. I live for independently now, which is good, and yet also not so much. It's become more frequent where I forget my goal to keep hope alive, to trust in God's power to restore and so on.

It's been 1.5 years since my wife left the house, and a little over a year since she filed for a divorce. My wife still is cold and distant to this day. The dateline is coming (sometime in April-June) when she might want to finalize it. So I ask for all your fervent prayers.

[maggie]

AaronL,

I'm sorry that you are still hurting and that your wife has been cold and distant to you for over a year. I don't know if other SOs on here do what I do when I read posts like yours....but I run the scenario in my brain of how I felt when I found the reason for my H's cold and agitated behavior. I think of the hurt and the humiliation I felt, I remember the panicky feeling of needing to run away from this man who was doing that in the next room ! I remember the overwhelming feeling of being sickened by such a bizarre betrayal that I felt was far more vulgar than an actual affair with a decent woman.

So what I am trying to say is .... your wife was hurting so deeply and so greatly she had to get away. I'd guess most of the SOs on this site have had... or may still have thoughts of escaping from the source of this humiliating pain.

She didn't leave you because she selfishly found another man, she left because of her pain.

[aaronleong]

Maggie, couldn't agree with you more. It would be natural to say that I wish there was a fix, but it's all in God's (and especially, her) will now. I damaged the relationship and if I lose her forever, it is the consequence of my addiction. I still hold to hope through prayer and lots and lots of divine petitioning. Anybody can quote scripture and say that ultimately anger, hate and grudges are a no-no, while humility, grace and forgiveness is a must. I can't (and won't) expect her to apply all that (as devout as she is/was) because she is responsible for her relationship with God, just as much as I am with mine. I can speak for myself and I can tell you that I am a better man, person, father, friend (and perhaps, husband) because of it.

UPDATE
I haven't checked in here and probably a couple of weeks because my parents from Malaysia flew into town, so it's been crazy hectic. Today is also day 257 of Ops No-MB. Good times.