Looking for strengh

[dstine1234]

Hello all,
I have been on this site a few months and it has been recommended to me that i start a journal of recovery. I was hesitant at first and now feel that so many people on here have more strength and wisdom than I, that I should listen to their advice and try, so I am. I told my story in my other posts. As I am now out of work, I have more time on my hands and more pull toward PA. Normally for me, it is an evening thing but when my days are free there is more time to be tempted. The most I can remember going with PA has been about three weeks. This was a few years ago, when I was so frustrated about PA that I actually gave my computer to my parents and told them some excuse about why I needed to leave it there. For three weeks, I came very very close to using phone P but every single time, I put that phone down and was P free! I know that I did MB during that time, but I do feel positive that the P was out of my life for that long. In the end, I was not able to live without my computer, for practical reasons, relying on libraries finally became next to impossible. I am not sure why I am telling this tale, I think it's because this was the closest I have been to PA free in "recovery" and it gives me hope looking back on it. I have tried blocking websites and all of that and I find ways around it, every time. Thanks for listening, I have no days free right now, I feel kinda of stupid saying that, but as some Chinese proverb says: "The journey of a thousand miles, begins with one step." Good nite everyone.

dstine

[lost_one]

welcome dstine..

first of all congrats for starting a journal.. it took me a while too.. but when i did.. it helped..

there is honesty and bright thinking in your post..

i had been in that same place when i gave up computer.. laptop.. pda's n others.. thought i was well armed with the filters and all but as usual, i would always find my way to break in or if not.. just watch tv or even bring a p thought in my mind.. just like an author said once, treating p like this is same as if you put a band aid on an infected wound without cleaning it first..

so this time i thought lets take it the most serious thing in your life because almost 99% of alllll the problems in my life have been due to it.. but as i dig up the roots and found out that its not like some incurable disease when you can't do anything about it no matter what but wait to die..

all i am saying is that you can do this.. and it will be tough at first but easier as time passes.. i am almost 3 n half months good now.. but i still see myself very much close to relapsing.. its not because i am having too many urges.. but its that i have access to p 24 hours a day.. that is ALL THE TIME.. :)

for now answer yourself these two questions..

Why did you start watching p?
Why do you want to quit watching p?

and one more thing.. don't consider mb as something different and good from p.. its the main driving force for viewing p...

All the best..!

[dstine1234]

Hello again. thank you lost one for your post, it was pretty great to read and see your strength and courage to get through this and the similar feeling of struggle that you recall. I am thinking a lot about those two questions you ask me = first why did I start watching P? = For me I think back to as early as I first could MB as a young kid. I think it was out of loneliness in the very dysfunctional world I lived in and also it was almost like a "medication" for a lot fear/anxiety that went along with the loneliness. It was some kind of "good" feeling in a world that offered me little of that. So here I am decades later and I wonder - why do I want to quit watching it? - my immediate answer is - to get into a relationship, as I have been trying to do, that will finally feel "healthy" and honest, etc. But you know, I don't think that's the real answer? - I think I need to stop with the PA for myself first! I mean I can't do it FOR someone else or to make someone else happy. I am not in a relationship now, I need to do it because it's what I need to do so I can get on with the things that I have been unable to do AND to be a happier person who can find pleasure, more pleasure, in the amazing things that life has to offer.
That's today's statement, ha. Well of course, well I won't say of course, but I don't have any days to count today, but it feels good to write... night all.

dstine

[dstine1234]

Hello all. Day three of my journal and no days without PA. Part of me is wondering why I am keeping the journal without success but then I trust others here to say keep posting and the encouragement that I feel, so I am posting. Something scary happened today with PA - I felt a real "liking" not just a wanting but that I really enjoy the PA as an "activity." This shook me up because I usually hate myself so much after the PA but tonight there was kind of an acceptance of it. I don't know if this makes sense but I am one who always believes in honesty even when its upsetting, so I shared that. I always wonder, "what am I afraid of" what do I need OUTSIDE of PA to find a healthier life style option? Well today's thoughts, there will be tomorrow and for that I am thankful. Good nite to everyone!

dstine

[lost_one]

dstine.. you have recognized p as something bad.. but.. you need to think of it as something worse in your life.. also bring all the positive activities that you can substitute with the time you spend on p n mb..

for me it also started that way.. p used to be my safest escape in every situation of life.. i would consider it the best solution to all my troubles.. but i needed a wake up call at first which was TTF.. then finding a good reason to stop and then a proper plan to work on.. i know if i stop i will surely go to p again.. so i am always super serious about it now..

you want to do it for yourself.. of course we are all doing it for our selves.. after all that shame and guilt inside.. right? Human beings are both individuals and they are members of a group.. we didn't come to this world by ourselves.. even if we lock ourselves into our own worlds at some point still we need to interact with others..

so i am doing it for myself.. because i don't want to hurt myself and OTHERS around me with all the sick behaviors it brings in me after watching p.. i am doing it for myself to be healthy and have healthy RELATIONSHIPS.. i am doing it for myself to please GOD.. and so many other things i am doing it for myself but in reality it involve others too.. :)

i am glad you are posting here.. keep working on it and you will win inshAllah..!

[dstine1234]

Thanks lost one. I hear what you are saying about finding other activities - for me doing things with others, socializing, seems to work sometimes pretty well. It distracts me, or rather gives me something more pleasant to do with my time, maybe it gets me more into reality and less into fantasy. But sometimes it gives me no relief at all. I have other activities, I think the physical ones help - biking, hiking and other stuff - photography, writing, actually quite a few to draw on. I sometimes remind myself that if I am out of my home, there is no PA. I never seek it elsewhere. You are right it is about others as well. I am single now, but I may date soon and get into that terrible scenario of praying the PA will get better and then it doesn't and ultimately I sabotage the relationship. Thanks for tell me about how you are doing it and how it feels, etc. It helps me a lot! No PA today but where I am the night is still young.

D.

[metalfossil]

Hi dstine1234,

No denying, ceasing P causes a void in a user's life. A void that pulls like at you like a magnet at steel shavings to use again. The bad news is you just have to find the inner strength to resist the pull. The good news is you have TTF. If you feel the urge visit here; it helps immensely.

In regards to commencing a journal, I was wary at first, but It amazes me how better I feel when I put how I'm feeling down in words.

MF

Thanks lost one. I hear what you are saying about finding other activities - for me doing things with others, socializing, seems to work sometimes pretty well. It distracts me, or rather gives me something more pleasant to do with my time, maybe it gets me more into reality and less into fantasy. But sometimes it gives me no relief at all. I have other activities, I think the physical ones help - biking, hiking and other stuff - photography, writing, actually quite a few to draw on. I sometimes remind myself that if I am out of my home, there is no PA. I never seek it elsewhere. You are right it is about others as well. I am single now, but I may date soon and get into that terrible scenario of praying the PA will get better and then it doesn't and ultimately I sabotage the relationship. Thanks for tell me about how you are doing it and how it feels, etc. It helps me a lot! No PA today but where I am the night is still young.

D.

[lost_one]

hi dstine..

i agree with MF.. TTF helps very much in the most difficult times when you have no other way to go..

the other activities you are talking about you should have interest in them first.. it doesn't mean if its called photography or hiking or biking and your friend tells you ohh yeah come on lets go or sometimes you tell yourself.. that sounds like a hobby and productive.. NO..! the answer will be NO most of the times for many activities at first when you are quitting on P n MB.. point is that you should enjoy doing what you do.. and believe me there is a big list in life for those activities.. the smallest good thing that prevents you from p n mb is the biggest help at this stage.. take your time.. and think about it..

in regards to relationships.. believe it or not.. but we are different in many ways from a normal person.. most of us have spent so much time on P that we neglected social activities and became disconnected for long.. and it needs practice to come back to that path.. so be careful with the relationships..

i will leave you with one word.. Get Well Soon.. thats three words.. :) anyways.. i am waiting to read the victorious part of you in here..

[dstine1234]

Hi all, thanks metalfossil, i totally hear that about the magnet. I have thought of the same word when I feel that pull coming on strong, like an avalanche or a tidal wave, so hard to steer away from. I have gone two days without the P, not sure what the secret was, I did go out with an old friend, who happens to be a women, a friend, she is married, a good friend. The kind of friend of who is very grounding and been through some struggles in other areas of life that I have. So, I try to look forward while at same time not trying to be unrealistic. Trying to plan more activities for myself to get me out of my home and out of my head more! Whenever I do, its almost always worth it. Feeling a little more positive and thankful to be here.

gratefully,
D.

[metalfossil]

G'Day D,

I want to help, all here at TTF all want to help. While this place shines like a beacon in the night, you will never be alone with your struggle. Consider TTF your lighthouse. Stay strong keep IT out of your life. Never easy I know, but very rewarding. Glad to see you are more positive, give that side of you permission to go full steam ahead.

Dave

Hi all, thanks metalfossil, i totally hear that about the magnet. I have thought of the same word when I feel that pull coming on strong, like an avalanche or a tidal wave, so hard to steer away from. I have gone two days without the P, not sure what the secret was, I did go out with an old friend, who happens to be a women, a friend, she is married, a good friend. The kind of friend of who is very grounding and been through some struggles in other areas of life that I have. So, I try to look forward while at same time not trying to be unrealistic. Trying to plan more activities for myself to get me out of my home and out of my head more! Whenever I do, its almost always worth it. Feeling a little more positive and thankful to be here.

gratefully,
D.