My ramblings - a record for current and future use

[guowohp123]

I am a long term PA and MA. I have been an addict since my 3rd or 4th grade (at various levels..ofcourse)..So I can just not remember being a non-addict. This is my third attempt here to be P-free. Let me talk a bit about my prior attempts. This happened a year ago. I had a huge collection of P and I deleted all of it one fine day. Then a week later, I had a trigger...and started spending lots of time in d/l whatever was deleted. I started feeling the urge to revisit all those P videos which I had earlier. I also used some data recovery software to relocate most of my deleted files.

During my second attempt, I installed a K9 filter with the help of a sponsor here. But it took me only a few days to relapse and "google" to find a way around the filter. That ended my second attempt.

Today, I have a collection of nearly 1 TB of P material in a hard disk sitting right by my bed-side and also a high-speed internet connection cable also by my bed-side. I have this urge to visit these cam-sites that have girls doing all sorts of things on cam. I have four different web-sites that I visit and also a recording software that captures the video stream. Part of my obsession is collecting these videos.

I spent the entire day today in doing this. I told my manager that I have a cough and I want to work from home. This is what I do on a regular basis. The current status of my job is such that, I can afford to get away with such excuses.


I have tried a few techniques of late..I moved my collection to my office and lock it away in a drawer along with my cable modem. But it took me again less than a week to drive there in the night and get it back.

I also cancelled my internet account..but one fine saturday..I am calling them to get reconnected...

All my attempts have been futile..I feel that my recovery does not last long because I do not have anything else that can take the place of my P-use. I am always used to taking the easy way out for everything. I have never been that kind of a guy who looks long term and bites the short-term pain.

I was thinking about my current lifestyle. I have no pressure whatsoever to put in any effort into anything at all. I live by myself. So, I answer to no-one..no need to co-ordinate with anyone...No dinner plans...no requests to take care of something, etc. At work, I work on a project that has not been funded, so there are no deadlines...I am the only one working on my projects...so I create my own tasks and deliverables..which BTW are designed to make my work as easy as possible. I do not feel any urge to do well at work and get any perks. I am happy with where I am. Also, I currently do not fear losing my job as my manager is too busy with other things and he seems to not at all care about what I am doing.

So, all these things lead me to live a life which has not much going on...I do not mind such a life...However, I do wish that I believed in something and spent some time towards it.

I desperately need to find something to do..preferably away from my computer and away from home. M-F 6-10 PM and SAT-SUN whole days are the times when I need to stay away from my laptop. I also need someone with whom I can talk about my daily activities, discuss some movie I watched recently and also some plans that I have made for myself. I recently chatted with this girl on a regular basis...but she had other priorities and communication with me was right at the bottom of her list.

For the record, the time now is 8:53 PM and I am hoping that I do not visit any cam-sites for the rest of the day.

If anyone read this, thanks for the time...

P.S: I do not believe in god, am not religious. I like being by myself and do not feel the need or have any friends to whom I can confide and seek some company...Also, I am a bit too depressed and do not see exercising or computer-gaming as a motivator.

[guowohp123]

Today has been a P-free day. I got up a bit late at 11 AM. I was late for work. But, as I mentioned earlier, no one is keeping tap of me at work. I am currently at work. I was working on something and fortunately, I got the results that I wanted. My superior was happy with it. I now have to run longer experiments, but this is something which will keep me occupied for a few days...So, I might be able to squeeze in a fe more P-free days..yay...

[DoneWrong]

Hi Guowohp123 I can relate to your story very much as it sounds a lot like my life quite a few years ago. If you think you’re not hurting anybody I know your wrong. You’re hurting yourself and you will feel this and regret it in the future and then there is the people “acting” in what you are watching. Do a search for p actress life stories and you’ll find that it’s not all fun and games. My wife read me some of what she found and I had to ask her to stop. They’re not there because they want to be there, and you watching helps the industry going, looking for more victims. I don’t mean to lecture you but I sunk to a low and have done things I can’t undo. My p viewing affected my personality to a point that I had difficulties forming relationships with people especially women and was very socially withdrawn for a long time. I also understand that it can be nearly impossible to stop on your own. You mention that you don’t have any friends that you can confide in but what about a relative, someone whom you could trust to help you? I also am not a religious person or a sporty person, but do enjoy a bit of computer or xbox gaming but need to be careful as I have addictive traits. I think it will help if you can find someone to talk to and something to do with your time, teach yourself to juggle, start reading books (I like sci fi and horror), I’m not really sure, everyone is different. One thing I do know from experience is that for me part of it was the thrill of keeping the secret and it was easier once it was out. And you need to really, really want to stop. I believe it can be done, that we can get this rubbish our of our lives, it’s just not an easy road to travel but will be a fruitful one over time. I wish you well and strength in you battle. Be strong DW

[guowohp123]

Hey DW,

Thanks a lot for your kind reply. I totally agree with you over the facts about P-actress. But, I have been viewing P for so long that a part of my brain tells me that it's just another job and a way of making money. There are zillions of people out there who do things for money and not because they like it...e.g. slaughtering animals for meat (We do buy them and eat them..don't we?), cleaning restrooms in 3rd world countries, killing people in war (We pay taxes to fund this war!!), etc. Why should I feel sad for the P-actress alone? Also, I am in a phase in my life where I do not believe social interactions are all that important. I interact with co-workers and can easily carry on conversations over the phone. I really do not feel the need for hanging out with a bunch of people. You had also mentioned a few things I could find some interests in pursuing. Issue there is that I have never ever in the past had any sustained (more than a few hours) interest in anything. I cannot force myself to like something..can I?

Finally, because of this way of living, I have no friend or relative to whom I can talk about my P-issue and may be get some fresh perspective.

right now, I want to stop watching P, just because I am wasting a lot of time in doing so...Wish I had a stronger, deeper reason that I believe in, but I don't.

I have read all the journals (o.k almost all) out here...There's not a single case as hopeless as mine. Everyone seems to have either a concerned SO, or a failing marriage to worry about, or work being affected, or have friends or church group helping them or some other significant thing going on. Right now, my life is very simple, uncomplicated and I am alone. I like it this way but do hate P consuming all the time that I have..Just that I cannot find anything to take its place..makes it all the more difficult to stop. I will find a way though..

Thanks DW for your post

GUO

[guowohp123]

Yet another P-free day..yay...Today morning I got up a bit late and came to office..I think 11-8 will work great for me as work hours. Anyways...I had nothing much to do at work..I was also feeling a bit sick..with headaches..dunno why...then I got home..I played some game on the computer..and watched a TV series...I am again at work..trying to run an experiment..I am headed home after a phone call...:-)

[guowohp123]

Hmm..It's been 4 days since I have been P-free. But there has been no change in any other aspect of my life. I think it will take a while before I see any change in me. Otherwise..I had an urge today..starting watching...but stopped in a minute. So, thats good. However, I need to quickly get into a routine of work. I have decided that I am going to be taking some classes on my own. Math, Science, etc. I am going to try and become an expert in one of the fields.

[Bluebird]

Hi guowohp123
Way to go!!!!!!!! 4 days is 4 days free right. Hang in there. You can do it. I'm not religious either and I often think how amazing it is that we are here. Take a look around at the incredible world we live in it's truly wonderous. Have you thought about photography? Macro or astrophotography as a hobby? (Astrophotography is done at night....). Just a thought as you are intested in Math & science. Perhaps even joining a group that go out at night and look at the galaxies.

Have you thought about if you are really a loner or if p has made you a loner. Are you lonely? p changes you. From what I have observed from DW, it makes you loose emotions, become cold, shallow, unable to communicate and connect with people and become selfish and all the joy in life is gone. DW is completely different to me now. One of the biggest changes is that DW now finds small things enjoyable, exciting and has become more interested in everyday things. Small joys make a happy life. I have that hope for you too...life is a one way ride make sure it's a good one as it's over too soon.

By the way, get rid of all the p. NOW. Seriously, destroy it, delete it, get rid of your computer if you have to. Do whatever, for now to not set up things to sabotage your progress. Having it sitting there, you know it's there....well to me it's like an alcholic having a fully stocked bar in the house but thinking they will be okay if the door is shut. Just a thought.

[guowohp123]

Yep..another P-free day. I have gone ahead and installed the K9 filter. Though it's just couple of extra steps now to get to P, I feel I have generated enough self-control to stay away. Now, the weekend is coming up and brings its own challenges. I love to travel, but hate driving. So, I am looking at possible ways to travel without a car. Hopefully, I will find something.

And, BlueBird, Thanks for reading my journal and also for your reply. I always feel a bit happy when I see someone taking the time to do this. Interesting that you talk about astro...I always wanted to get a nice telescope..drive outside the city limits (short drives..I can handle) and have a peek at th night sky. I am going to pursue this soon...Do you do anything..photography..etc? As far as loneliness goes, I am sure I am alone..so I get the urges to watch P and spend zillion hours doing so...Not the other way around. I am not too much of a people's person. I like to be on my own..Though I can handle conversations..etc. I do not have any friends (ZERO) in my locality. So, right now, I am in a zone wherein, I have to find ways to spend the weekend without any help from others. BTW, I agree that DW has had great cahnges in life due to P-quitting. But, I find it a bit difficult to appreciate such facts..DW has a SO who cares about him...and he in turn cares about her..and he has some strong motivation to change his life...I have nobody..and my lifestyle does not need me to quit P..except for maybe long-term gains, in the short term, I do not see P hurting me..or anyone close to me (as there is NOONE close to me). BTW, as I mentioned earlier, I find it a bit difficult to feel for the people in those 'P' videos...when people in this world go about killing animals (for meat) and people (for war). I find it disgusting when CNN showcases people celebrating Gadaffi's death..Agreed..he is a cruel man..But he is human right? So, Why should I feel for others..when no one else does so?

Also, Bluebird, I need to wait a bit more..before I can delete P.I need to make sure that I won't relapse...For me, when I relapse...and have deleted all P...I end up spending zillion hours again to get it back before I even think of a recovery. On the other hand, if I had my 'P' material, it will be over in a few minutes and I can try to recover from it...So, may be a month, adn the P will be gone...I am the kind of a guy who will run to the liquor store to refill my cabinet!!! Hope that makes sense...

Anyways..I am off to figure out what to do during this weekend...And BB..good luck for you...do drop a line if you want to discuss anything...

[Teemo]

guowohp,

I think I understand your reluctance to delete your collection. I have thrown everything away many times, then at some point went looking for more. Why not just keep it ready? Well, I'm sure you know the answer. The collection itself will overpower you. It makes it way too easy to give up and give in to it. Unfortunately, deleting is the only way. Then the filter can start to do its job of slowing you down, giving you time to use the strategies you have put in place to deal with the urges.

[guowohp123]

Nothing new to report..but still P-free!!! Hopefully should be able to complete a week without relapse :-(
Thanks teemo for you reply..will think about it..