My Journal

[bluejay443]

Do first entries have a certain format? Am I supposed to spill my entire life history on this page? Because I really don't feel like doing that.. I guess the solution is to just start and see where it takes me.

Well, hey, I'm Ryan, I'm a 20 year old college student. I'm majoring in journalism. I'm currently single, unfortunately.And I'm addicted to p**n. Well that's great, I started this like I'm at an alcoholics anonymous meeting, what a perfectly cliche way to start. Apparently I'm going to have to apologize early for the stream of thought format, it's how my brain works. Well anyway, I've been addicted to p**rn since my childhood. I don't know when it started, all I know was that it was earlyand I've been looking at it ever since. This isn't the first time I've been serious about recovering, I once had filters and accountability partners, and a supportive community. It certainly helped, but I never really broke out of my addiction. Despite everything, I still continues to look at p**n. Now I don't have any of that, I more or less, drove away those people, and the fact that I'm alone at the moment, and I couldn't break it with that kind of community, well it worries me, to say the least. I guess one of the major problems is that despite everything that p**n has caused in my life, no matter how down it makes me, no matter how much it makes me feel like a piece of crap, no matter how much it can damage...and has damaged my relationships with other people, I love it. I love the adrenaline, I love the sensations, the images, all of it. I don't know if I can break out of this while feeling that, but I have never not felt that way..Anyway, so far this recovery attempt has been a disaster..I'm at around 15 hrs pure right now, and have looked at p pretty much every day this week. But I guess that what ultimately led to the downfall of all the other attempts wasn't necessarily the fact that they wouldn't of worked, moreso, instead of following through, I quit when things looked bad. I'm going to try not to do that this time.

In other news, I'm installing a filter. Going to try and get in touch of an old friend and see if he can work the password for me. Also taking part of this cheesy 9 month p**n addiction program, which is full of nauseatingly cheesy sentiments, healthy eating advice, and advertisements everywhere you look telling you to upgrade. Yeah, it's interesting to say the least. At least it isn't hurting anything. Very likely going to add new things to the mix soon, as soon as I get my act together.

Well there we go, not my full life story, but not light on the details either. I'll call that a healthy compromise. Here's to day 1. I appreciate all the support. Really.

[bluejay443]

Fell again last night, so I'm still working on Day One. But I did respond by installing a filter. My friend has the password, and I'm now pretty much blocked off from p**n. I find that both freeing and frightening. Part of me feels like this is a cop-out, or worse. some terrible mistake, part of me thinks this is the greatest thing I could of done. Regardless, it is what it is, and hopefully it allows me to be able to get past just fighting the cravings and start to focus on solutions.

Still not feeling confident about this. I don't know why that is. But I feel as if I did wait to be confident, If i did wait to be comfortable, that might involve months more of this addiction, and thats the last thing I want. At least, most of the time.

On to day 1, and the next step, whatever that step is..

[Teemo]

Bluejay,

You are doing just fine. Your writing proves that you are coming into this with honesty, and that is the most important thing. You have mixed fellings. You are not sure you want to be here. You are not sure you want to quit. You think it may be impossible. But you are here. You are taking the first steps. I know you've started down this road before, but no one says you can't do it right this time. I hope I can help. I know you will find great advice and support here.

I think the big question is: Are you ready to do whatever it takes to get your life back? Because it may be very difficult. You will want to give up and give in and go back You will question whether it is worth the fight. It is worth it. You are worth it.

The filter is important. Accountability to someone is important. There can be many parts of a good recovery plan. Find out what has helped others, and use it. Be fearless in taking on the task of changing. Most of us need to change a lot about ourselves.

Welcome aboard, Bluejay. It's good to have you along.


Teemo

[nifty]

I posted something about filters in your introduction thread, so read that there :)
But good to hear you're fighting. I guess something WILL have to be different this time, if last time didn't work. And I hope that you find that something different. I hope that you can keep the fight up.
Are you talking to anyone in your life (I mean real people, not virtual people, like us)? Thought of trying a counsellor?

I guess I just really encourage you to keep fighting this. As I've said to you in another thread, I'm 19. And I've been really encouraged by other people in my life to deal with this while I'm young, before I have a chance to drag it into the rest of my life. I encourage you to do the same! Now is the best time to deal with it.

[bluejay443]

@ Teemo- "You will want to give up and give in and go back You will question whether it is worth the fight. It is worth it. You are worth it.", Righting that down somewhere. Thanks for the encouragement Teemo. You have no idea how much it helps

@ nifty- Thanks Nifty, for the posts .I agree with you overall on the filter issue, but I have my doubts. And overall that's what I'm expressing here. I think it's better to express those, than to keep those hidden. "Real people" I don't have right now. I just don't have anyone here on campus...or anywhere really, that I have that kind of relationship with. I mean, I'm not trying to say that I'm not really good friends with a lot of people, I am. But none of those friendships are really the type where I'm comfortable blurting out "hey man, I'm addicted to porn". I don't have that kind of relationship to people, I keep myself pretty closed down when it comes to that kind of intimacy. I've always, more or less, tried to keep others to a distance.

[bluejay443]

My Recovery Plan, as of yet.

Goal- abstain from both p and m. Just to clarify, I quite enjoy m. I don't find anything morally against it personally. Me and it get along pretty well, and my goal is certainly not to cut it out of my life forever. With that said, although I might like m, an alcoholic might like a can of beer, and that might lead to a couple empty fifths of vodka. All that m is doing for me at this moment is reinforcing my p addiction. Especially with the strong fantasy I now associate with m. I don't think I can reasonably expect to end my addiction to p, and keep continuing my practices of m. Not for right now at least. So the goal is to abstain from m for at least two months. And then make the judgement call from there.

Start new habits- In other attempts, all I did was try to quit p*** while not replacing it with anything in my life. So what I'm going to try to do, is to reinforce two positive habits while, of course, trying to disassociate myself from this one. The two that I'm focusing on right now are:
1) Running- Used to do 70 miles a week a couple years ago, but I hit college and practically stopped altogether. Running was one of the passions of my life, and it would great if I could get that passion back
2) Writing-A passion that I've never really explored except for academic reasons. I would like to explore for personal enjoyment, wherever that might lead. Hopefully it leads to some awesome fiction. Or maybe a blog. Who knows, something involved and creative.
The plan is to try to touch on both of those "new" habits every day.

Stress Management- Stress is one of my main triggers. I think that's common with almost all of us. First I need to find positive ways to manage that stress, which I can hopefully accomplish by reinforcing those new habits, but I also need to try and limit the stress I put myself through. This means slowing myself down, and taking the time to center myself when I need to. This also includes taking care of myself, getting a decent amount of sleep, keeping up with academics, eating healthy...occasionally. The more manageable I make my life, the more manageable I can keep this addiction.

Cravings- I need too recognize that cravings are going to come, they're going to come at me hard at times. They're going to be intense at times. It's inevitable. What I need to do when that time comes is 1) take myself out of the environment that I'm, and do something different and unrelated, go for a short walk, hang out with roommates, etc.. 2) Allow myself to slow down, think rationally, and make a conscious decision not based solely on impulse. Hopefully that choice is one to abstain, but even if I do decide to give in, I gain more from that than what I would if I just initially followed the impulse.

Filters: Of course, if I did decide to give into the impulse and look at p***, the filter will be a major killjoy. If I find myself trying to get past the filter, I need to recognize that as essentially me trying to "fall", remove myself from that environment, and look at where I'm going wrong

I am considering asking for some kind of mentor, or at least someone who can walk through this with me if I need that kind of support. Haven't really made my mind up though about that as of yet.

Comments, Observations, Advice, Off Topic Jokes, all are welcome.

1 day clean, feeling more confident.

[bluejay443]

Fell again last night...

For the filter, I typed in a random password, filled with random capitalized and uncapitalized numbers intertwined with random letters, copied it and erased it. And then sent it to my friend, to hold on to. It was a great idea, until he replied last night, and told me that he was fine with holding on to the password. Only problem was that the reply had a transcript of the original email that contained the password underneath it. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to delete that email. After a couple of hours, I gave in to the pressure and fell again. I still haven't deleted the password, the filter is still disabled, I know what I need to do, but I just don't want to do it...

I feel like crap because of it. What in the hell is wrong with me.

[wantingfreedom]

Just do the same thing with the password and tell your friend to delete the message once he has written the p/w down in a safe place of his choosing. That is one way. There are many more.
I encourage you to search out an anti-porn educator named Gail Dynes on the net/utube and study her lectures and vids. You will get a clearer picture of what p really is all about and how it harms you, the workers in the industry and who is profiting from it all. If you still want more amunition look in the right places and you will find it. I am 53 and have been an addict for 40+ years and let me tell you I wish I had your courage to try to stop.
Don't stop trying to stop...bottom line.

wf

[nifty]

I know the feeling. When there were things you could have done that would have stopped it, and you just didn't do them, for no reason. It's massively frustrating. One thing I've learnt though is not to let it get you down. You've gotta pick yourself up and get back into the fight. Use this as a reminder to fix the password problem. I found that if I got down on myself, I'd just keep falling. Cluster-falling I call it :). You mess up, and you feel bad, so you mess up again. It's a frustrating cycle.

I really encourage you to find a mentor or someone to talk to. I've found that the most helpful thing. Am still finding that the most helpful thing.

Your method of attack sounds really good. It's awesome to see you getting stuck into this from every angle.

[bluejay443]

I've been binging for the last couple of days. It's funny because I knew it was going to happen. I expected it too. And I know that's a problem, but I don't know how to fix it. It's just another cycle, fight for a week or two, give in..start over again. So much of this feels like I can't change it. That I don't have the self control or the will. It's frustrating to say the least.

Got a PM from a user today that mentioned that my view of recovery seemed skeptical and hesitant. If it's that obvious I guess I should try a more optimistic outlook. Just need to find a way to get there...