from the beginning

[metalfossil]

'Start a journal' was the advice.

Okay, how do I do that I ask myself? Well, I'm going to start with my earliest experience I can recall. When I was perhaps 6 or 7, I used to take the girl next door to a block of units under construction. We used to sneak in and I used to convince her to get undressed. I remember vividly getting found out because the bow on her dress wasn't fastened properly. Her parents asked her why and she told them about what we'd been up to. They told my parents and I got into big trouble and was never allowed to see her again.

Normal childhood curiosity or not?

[metalfossil]

Just thinking about this incident has brought up memories of even earlier events. Is it possible that something happened to me as a child; something that I've blocked out? Not looking for excuses though. In my opinion, there are no noble excuses for bad behaviour. I'm a P addict and I don't like that part of me.

No Porn yesterday, and the day before that...and for the past month.

[metalfossil]

I guess this is my sixth or seventh attempt at giving up. I have to admit that I probably would never have given up; never have considered it IT a problem until my SO discovered my stash. I realise now that her discovering IT is a was/is a good thing. I love her all the more for this.

[metalfossil]

36 days straight without IT interfering with my life. Only trouble is, I've let other problems slip. Consquently my Hypertension and Diabetes is outta control. My SO is blaming herself for this. She feels bad/guilty that I'm letting my health slip to get The Beast under control. I've attempted on numerous occasions to attempt to convince her that nothing she has ever did/doing is her fault. She's hurting and I can't really fix it. Hopefully I'll reach a point where I'll be able to achjeve some sort of balance..

[metalfossil]

Yes, I have to agree with a lot of the forum posters in regards to time alone being 'the enemy'. However, as I'm a shiftworker, I get an awful lot of time on my own. Be it at work or at home, I spend a lot of time by myself. Yes, it is a trigger and a catalyst for P and MB. In day 37 of my current battle, I have come to realize that I have start treating my alone time differently; I have to channel my energies into something positive. The little voice in my head is still there telling me that oneswallow does not make it Spring, so to speak. I have to make alone time my friend. Treat it as a privelge: lots of time by myself, do something with it that will make me a better person.

One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

[metalfossil]

Get serious I told myself. C'mon IT whispered, just keep a few things. They're not all that bad; not hardcore just a few films by Jess Franco and Russ Myer. Okay, why did I keep them? After, I've been P free for over a month? It's a good question, and one that I'm unable to answer at this stage.

Suffice to say, I went through my ex hdd and wiped what I think at the moment is bad for me. Also through my d/l folder and deleted other films that aren't H/C but do feature exploitation of women.


One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

[metalfossil]

I'm not sure why it's so important to me, but I've wracked my brain attempting to discover why this first started. Perhaps because like many here I started looking at P at a very young age that I'm so obsessed with discovering why. I have made an appointment with a therapist for next month, maybe she'll be able to provide some answers.

40 days without The Beast

One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

[Mac]

Hey there Metal Fossil
Welcome to TTF, a great place to be if you need a place like this.
You are just getting started at the big job of getting to the bottom of all this crap. Just keep digging away. I really like that you feel the need to understand why and how you got here. I hope that going to the therapist can help you get there. I know I did this back at the start and it was a very good experience for me and it helped set a good path to understanding what it would take to get myself and my wife through this.
Glad to see you here posting. Be sure to come here often and learn from the great people that are around you.

All the best
Mac

[metalfossil]

Hi Mac,

Thanks for posting,

Thanks also for putting my mind at ease a little. I figured I was perhaps being a tad obsessive with my quest on discovering where my roots of P addiction lay.

Dave

Hey there Metal Fossil
Welcome to TTF, a great place to be if you need a place like this.
You are just getting started at the big job of getting to the bottom of all this crap. Just keep digging away. I really like that you feel the need to understand why and how you got here. I hope that going to the therapist can help you get there. I know I did this back at the start and it was a very good experience for me and it helped set a good path to understanding what it would take to get myself and my wife through this.
Glad to see you here posting. Be sure to come here often and learn from the great people that are around you.

All the best
Mac

[metalfossil]

After an argument with my SO about letting people walk all over her, she quietly asked me later in bed, was I disappointed in her. I wanted to laugh, seriously, she thinks I'm disappointed in her. It cuts deeply to see how much I have undermined her confidence in herself. I would rather be dead then look at IT again!