Not Sure How I'm doing this...

[brokenone]

So last night was the end of my 3rd day. How did I top that off, by MB'ing. Not to thoughts of P, but I still MB. I am not sure if that counts as me blowing the day and starts me back at the begining or not. Either way I didn't look at P yesterday. I tried to keep myself as busy as I could. I use a Laptop at home and usually use it in our bedroom while my wife is on the other computer in our office. This weekend I brought the Laptop into the office and kept it there. I figured this would be a good move to keep me from being alone and able to view any sites or even get the urge to with my wife sitting nearby. That worked.But, have I ruined it all by MB'ing? That in itself has been a partern ever since I rememeber and I have never seemed to break it. I often wonder if I ever will. I am wondering if this is something I need try and rid myself of too or will that come with moving myself away from P?I have been a slave to MB and P since I was 13 and feel trapped. I have been told MB is a natual thing that all men do and am still on the fence about it, but I definately know the P part is wrong and needs to be gone from my life. I just feel so mixed up with all of this, where to start, how to keep from temptation. How to see through to the future without using P. I just want rid of it in my life. I know I have a problem and am trying here to talk about it and do something about it. I hope all this make sense. I'm simply frustrated...

[lost_one]

hey brokenone.. first of all welcome to TTF..

I have been told MB is a natual thing that all men do and am still on the fence about it

it reminds me of an acronym WYSIWYG.. What You See Is What You Get.. see when you are surrounded by things and people who are bombarding you with such nonsense.. and you don't have any other option but to listen to them again and again.. a time will come that it will be stamped on your mind and then it will be very difficult to erase it back.

I will tell you from my experience.. I am a tech user.. so I have many tools and devices available to me any time for videoing and browsing stuff.. I used them as a good help for my P and MB use.. a time came that I got so lazy to turn them on and what I did was to just bring a P thought in my mind and MB to it.. see.. in both cases what I did was to get a quick lustful satisfaction whether by watching P or MBing alone.. it means that so called normal MB practice is a dearest friend of P..

Those who think MBing is safe and is not as bad as P.. they are simply fooling themselves..

Its good to know that you have admitted that you have a problem and want to get rid of it.. for now.. I would say.. do some authentic research on P...graphy.. and Ma...tion and keep coming here.. its a great place for all of us.. Best of luck!!!

[likeafish34]

Brokenone,
I've been trying to give up P with the help of TTF since the beginning of 2011. I've had two relapses and in both cases MB has been the precursor to full blown P use. I know that some guys say that they can MB but stay away from porn, but I'm not sure that I can. For now I'll be abstaining from both.
Whatever you decide is right for you, I wish you good luck.
Simon

[Teemo]

Brokenone,

Welcome to TTF.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace, contentment, and hope for the future. I don't think it is mainly a question of what we give up. It's a question of where we want to go, and what matters the most to us, and what sort of people we can be. Life is worth living well. Getting stuck in addiction means we cannot live the life we were meant to live.

I hope to read more about your journey!

Teemo

[brokenone]

So, today is day 5 for me. Last night was really very hard. I found myself lurking around after my wife went to sleep. I sat down in front of the computer and began to click the Incognito window. Then as quickly as I opened it I closed it and closed down my laptop and went quickly to bed.I can't believe how close I actually came to looking at P last night and how much I wanted to. But I didn't like that I had the computer where I placed it so that I think helped to keep me off surfing as well. The thought of my wife walking in behind me while I am watching P isn't a pretty thought in my mind and is what kept me from surfing along with the fact that I have been clean for several days in a row and want to keep that going.Today at work will be ok as I work around others so it makes for no privacy, it's home at night that I worry about. Until then, I will try to read the posts on here as much as I can today. Reading the journals of others helps me get motivated.Even the faliure stories. I just want to make it another day. We shall see.

[likeafish34]

brokenone,
I'm glad that you managed another day porn free, even if you did get pretty close to last night.
I'm no expert as I've spent more time in relapse than porn free since I started trying to give up at the beginning of the year, but I think that its a good idea to put as many hurdles in the way of relapse as possible. Use your fear about being caught. Make sure that your laptop is kept where your wife can see it. Make sure you've deleted any stored porn, delete any accounts on porn sites and stop chatting with any online friends who do porn.

Good luck.

Simon

[brokenone]

Here we are another day and I am still clean. Came very close last night to MB but stopped myself as it began. When I came to this site I made a decision that I would try to quit P for 90 days and then take it from there.I figured if I could do that I could quit for good. I have read allot of post here and see just how hard it is for other guys like me to keep away from it. Its like a serious enslavement. Like a bad drug habit. I have read so many posts from others journals who are flying high on the road to recovery one moment, but then slip up the next. That is hard to disgest, but I know it's a reality. I have been a lsave to P and MB since I was a kid and haven't been able to shake it. I have prayed about it, gotten rid of my stashes several times. I have had periods of sobriety where I was able to be away from it for months. I think the longest I have been able to be away from p is 3 months if that. MB has always been a stress reliever and a relaxing part of my life. I have honestly loved it. Trying to give it up is hard, very hard. But I know I have to in order to get healthy and be able to beat this thing.P has ruined the way I view women and men and I want to take control back. I don't want to be a slave to this anymore.So far I am clean today. No P or MB. Just trying to get through another day...

[ski218]

Congrats on stopping yourself last night. I'm also on a similar journey and have been struggling with stopping all year - making it 4-6 weeks, but then falling into mb which would eventually lead to p. For me, both habits must be stopped. Mb centers on lustful thoughts gained through my environment or from viewing p, and it is these lustful thoughts that I want to rid myself of. Without lust, I don't think there is any desire for mb. This addiction is very similar to a drug habit and you'll read about that in several journals. One thing that I find helpful at night is going to bed with my SO, whether I'm tired or not. If I'm not tired, it just gives me some time to lay and think about my addiction and what steps I'm doing to be successful. Only time I stay up is if I have something very specific to do. Good luck with your journey.

[brokenone]

I just finsihed writing my heart out only to have the system not save what I wrote. (man I'm pissed)Anyhow, I made ti through another night. Kept the laptop in the office and kept busy last night so I didn't have any ttime to surf at all.I still have a strong urge to MB though and can't seem to shake it. I miss it and have been having a problem staying away from it. It's been so much a part of my life since I was 12 I have always looked at it as a personal sexual release for me which I was entitled to. I am learning here that there is a connection between MB and P and it bothers me. I feel like a part of me is lost. I am glad though that I have the posts of others here who have issues with MB who put that out there in their journals. Without that I don't know how I'd feel right now. All I know is I want to get better and this site has so far helped me along with the journalling.P has distorted my thinking about men and women and how I see them idividually. I want that to change and I want to be broken from the chains of enslavement to this horrible addiction.Until my next post, here's hoping I make it back here clean another day.

[Daniel]

Good work brokenone.

If you can go an hour, you can go a day. If you can go a day, you can go a week. Etc., etc.

Easy to say very hard to know I know.

Have you read Farmer's journal? I am going to just to remind myself of what machine-shop-like precision looks like in recovery. He spoke of all of the issues he faced, including a big one with MB (if I remember right).

Keep Going, it's a much better alternative than being enslaved to P or MB,

Daniel