My Recovery Journal

[Zero_Complex]

Honestly, I'm embarrassed about this whole thing, I feel like a freak, like normal people shouldn't have a problem with things like this, nevertheless here I am, and amazingly...I'm not alone!

It's been three days now and I've been doing fairly well, I'm nervous because I haven't had any major attacks yet but I'm determined not to give in!

My addiction history is short by most standards, it's been on-going for almost four years, which doesn't sound like a long time but certainly FEELS like it =_=; I've been on and off again for the past two years, some "recovery's" more successful than others....I'm here because I finally (finally) figured out that it's a psychological problem and can't be resolved simply by "Not doing it"

Crap, I'm nervous....

Listen, I feel all high and mighty and I'm hating myself for it. I know I've got problems just as much as the next guy but it's hard to admit this is an actual addiction...but it is. I know it, I've lived with it for a long time... I'm hoping I will be able to honestly admit these things to myself one day....and maybe to my family as well.

This is scattered, I know, so I'll just get on with it;
I had a minor "attack" yesterday but I was able to cut it off before it got too bad by remembering what some of the people on here have said; a lot of them talk about the "root" of the problem, I guess I didn't really believe in things like that before, not for my addiction anyway (MA)
But when I tried to stop and think about it; what set me off, what I got out of it, things like that, it really helped!

In so far, I've figured out two major things that perhaps I knew all along;
1; I am a person who feels very, very alone,
and
2; One of the main reasons I give in is because it helps me forget, or pretend I'm not alone.

I'll continue later, and make my hasty escape for now, until I deal with all this I'll just keep resisting the best I can, I know I sound all arrogant but I'm very impressed with the people here and I wish I could be like them...sometimes, they're so brave, I hope I can live my life with the kind of courage I see on here.....

Next time I feel an attack coming on, I've decided to log on here and read for support, this site is the difference for me, it's not all in my head anymore, now I've got written proof....I'm not alone in this, it's an addiction and I'm not going to feel guilty about it or blame myself anymore, it's not that I have a problem, but that I'm dealing with it, that's the difference, and like I always say "this weakness makes us stronger"

Time to be honest I guess...

[JenMac]

Hi ZC! Welcome to TTF!
I know how scary it is to make that first post upon arrival here! We have all been through it!
I want you to know that TTF is a welcoming and wonderful community of people who know what you are experiencing and who want to help support and guide you, as others have done before us. The great thing about being here is that you will not be judged. The fact that you have found your way here with the desire to change your life, is all that is necessary for others to want to support and guide you as best they can.
ZC, we are glad you are here. Come back often to seek the support that will be here waiting for you. I hope that TTF will be the blessing in your life that it has been in mine!
All the best!
Jenn

[Mac]

Hey there Zero
Welcome to TTF, a place where all kinds of normal people come for recovery from PA.
This nasty addiction is not at all selective in who it grabs onto.
This is definately a really good place to come if you are fighting off any urges, actually anything that can distract you from the norm is a good thing. Changing the routine that causes you to act out is exactly what you need to do.
It does take a lot of courage to start this journey and being honest with yourself is the only way to get started.

Come here often, lots of support and lots of resourses.

All the best
Mac

[Zero_Complex]

Well it says "reply" so I guess this is how you post another journal entry, heh.

Today I'm feeling remarkably better than yesterday!
Honestly I wasn't going to post in my journal today but then (about three seconds after this thought ironically enough) I had a major attack. I won't post the trigger on here, I know what it was and I don't want to overshare...

Amazingly what got me through it was creating a rough draft in my head for my next journal entry. Well it was nothing like this post, I've forgotten it already, but I thought that must be a sure sign that this site is doing something for the better.

A few minutes after the attack I checked my mail, when I found that two people had replied to my first entry I was nervous, the only thought I had was that I'd somehow managed to offend someone, but reading them brought a smile to my face! They were very understanding and supportive, maybe it's silly but I feel a lot more comfortable posting now.

I guess today makes day four! I've taken up a few hobbies to keep my mind off of my addiction, I've been writing more and even learning another language, I've found that interacting more with the people around me seems to help as well....

I started a personal journal yesterday, I got the idea after I made my first post here, it's somewhere I feel a little more comfortable expressing my feelings and there's no such thing as "overshare" so I can explain the triggers and go a little more in depth. I decided to keep coming to this site and continue posting in my RJ here as well, I have a feeling it's important that I keep doing this. There's the little voice inside my head asking me why I need to keep TWO journals but I've decided to trust my instinct anway.

It's odd to me the happy feeling I have right now, I just had an attack and I thought I'd feel a lot worse but I actually feel rather....proud? It makes me nervous honestly, I'm far from comfortable with the whole situation and I'm a little paranoid about the whole thing, for this reason I expect that I'm going to have another attack soon but I'll keep reading and stop stressing.

I got some amazing advice today from a number of sources and I'm very thankful, I never thought this kind of support could exist....it's surprising to me and I'm still a little in shock honestly...

So here's my reluctant departure, thank you everyone who's inspired and helped me through this last attack (though most of you didn't even know it) I'm trying to keep the honesty going.

[lost_one]

hey zero.. welcome to TTF..

reading through your posts remind me of my very first posts in here.. nervous.. uncomfortable.. shocked..

of course people in here are very much supportive.. but the main thing is up to you.. what would you actually do about the problem rather than escaping from it..

its also a long and a tough road ahead my friend.. time to get damn serious about your recovery.. waiting to read more from you.. :)

[likeafish34]

I've figured out two major things that perhaps I knew all along;
1; I am a person who feels very, very alone,
and
2; One of the main reasons I give in is because it helps me forget, or pretend I'm not alone.

I definitely think that many of us here have underlying issues that need to be sorted out if we are to stay away from porn. Like you, I also use porn to forget and I'm pretty certain that I will never be able to give up properly until I have made real progress on my underlying issues.

It's definitely a good idea to come back here whenever you fee the urge to use porn.

However you use and contribute to TTF, keep coming back.

Good luck in your fight against this addiction.

Simon

[Zero_Complex]

Wow, day five, what an awesome number.
I'm a lot more pleased than I thought I would be, I've gone longer than five days before but somehow I've never been this proud...

I haven't really had any attacks since the last one, however it's effects somehow...lingered? It wasn't the desperate NEED I feel when I get an attack but it was always in the back of my mind, waiting for me to focus on it...it was surprisingly hard but I'm here and it's mostly gone.

Thank you everyone who's replyed, I deeply appreciate the support and honesty. Hearing how people can relate to some of the things I said really brings it home for me, I mean I guess I didn't really get it before, this is an ADDICTION, what a weird concept...
Despite everything I've already been through I'm still somewhat in denial, I've been trying to take this very seriously but perhaps I've been a bit too optimistic?

What happened after the last attack shocked me greatly, I don't remember that having happened before and it was just as hard as the worst attacks I've had up to this point. It scares me, will this kind of thing linger forever? I hope it gets better...

Something that's helped me in resisting these last 24 hours was thinking of my siblings, I know from experience that quiting for my family doesn't last (which is why I made up my mind to quit for ME this time), but thinking of my brother and sister who are also having addiction problems (Video games and smoking), and how hard a time they're having really makes me hesitate.
The thing about it is that my brother is still deeply in denial and my sister simply doesn't feel that quiting is worth the pain, I've always been trying to help them but it made me feel like such a hypocrite, even now it still does.
I've got an addiction problem just the same as they do, but watching them is almost like watching myself, they struggle the same way and feel the same guilt and the same need that I do, and yet I'm horrid enough to continue on with my addiction la-de-da, even seeing how they struggle.
Thoughts like these stop me before I give in.

It's not guilt, it's hard to describ honestly, it's not pity either; I mean I'm in the same boat so it's hard to feel bad for them, what exactly is this feeling I get, watching them suffer the way I've suffered? Empathy maybe? I don't know, but it calls me to be a better person, to break the cycle first, before it breaks me...

Somehow I've gotten it into my head that if I quit maybe the will too? They don't even know about my addiction (no one does) but I feel like, like maybe if I'm successful, if I read a year clean or something, I'll have enough courage to show them these journal entries and the way I've struggled and the way I've resisted....maybe it will give them courage too? I know how hard that feeling of seclusion can be to deal with, I know my brother has it the worst of all of us, and it gives me a sense of hope; I'm doing this for me, but I'm also doing it for them.

If this a dangerous feeling to have? I'm a little nervous, I don't want it to be the same as last time, but I don't think this feeling is entirely bad.

[JenMac]

If this a dangerous feeling to have? I'm a little nervous, I don't want it to be the same as last time, but I don't think this feeling is entirely bad.
Hi ZC!
If you are meaning doing this for yourself and others, I don't think that is a dangerous thing at all. Yes you have to be doing it for you but there are many here that are doing it for themselves as well as their relationships. Some start out only doing it to save their relationships, but once they start learning they then see the need to change for themselves.
It is also good to feel proud and happy, just be cautious about feeling overly confident as that seems to present problems for some.
Sorry I am not an addict so I know there are many others who can speak more knowledgably than I, but just how I see from the outside looking in.
I am glad you are here! This is a wonderful resource for you, full of great wise people who are anxious to support and guide you!
All the best!
Jenn
ps. by the way i like the idea of 2 journals! Getting your thoughts and feelings out is so very important in this process!
Keep following your gut, it seems to be taking you in the right direction!
All the best!
Jenn

[Zero_Complex]

The attacks are getting worse! It seems like now-a-days I'm always in a state of resistance, does it get better or will I have to live with this forever? It's making me nervous and it's hard to concentrate >.<

I've figured out number 3; STRESS RELIEVER.
I've always been a big stresser; it literally makes me sick when I stress too much, usually nothing more than a fever and some stomach pain, maye I'll puke, things like that, not too bad I guess but the illness makes me tired so it's hard to function properly. Now I remember how I got hooked...and another reason I STAYED hooked, without that outlet I'm all nervous and twitchy and paranoid and tired, I can't focuse of anything and I'm all high strung...
Crap.

I realize I need to find another way to relieve stress, hopefully before I claw my own eyes out (or something worse...)
I've tried yoga and exercise and music and tea and napping and deep breathing and spa therapy baths and just about everything else, but these things only serve to stress me out more than they help.

I've thought about anxiety pills but I heard that they make it hard to focuse, which...is a major problem already, I'm trying to stay strong, I know first hand that giving in only makes me depressed, but I'm no longer confident I can keep this up (was I ever?) it's gotten to the point that I'm not just having attacks anymore, it's a constant state of RESISTRESISTRESIST, my only hope of reprieve is a short distraction, maybe read a book or SLEEP some =_=;

I'll keep it up but I feel like I'm going to snap before I finish bending, I know relapsing will only add stress but I can't be any worse than the stress I have right now, worrying about relapsing...hah! Don't worry, add the guilt on and everything else, I know better than anyone how NOT worth it "it" is. I know this isn't really the place but if anyone here has any stress relieving advice maybe that would help, I'm going to look into other stress relievers, looks like I've come across my first wall on the road to recovery (haha).

Today is day six.

Until I snap-
Zero

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Zero... bein's how it's so late your darn near day 7 which makes a week... Congratulations!

...and welcome to TTF! It's late and I'm calling it a night but I'll catch up with you tomorrow, stay strong my friend your not alone...