Post Delusion

[prnadict]

I'm starting this journal to log my progress as a recovering/ed PMO addict. I've been hooked to M and some kind of P since I was 12. My first sexual encounter was at age of 5 and the second at the age of 9. First one was with my neighbor and the second one was with my classmates in 5th grade. Both these incidents were with boys of my age and the second one also involved girls because that is what my friends were doing. I was clean for 2 years after this and my head was seriously clean. Then at 12 I had my first E and that led to my first M, after which its been a hell of a ride, for both me and for my family. I've been free from P since May 22nd 2011 and today is the 132nd day(love the sobriety calculator on here).

I also got into addiction of alcohol and cigarettes because I thought my addiction to PMO were childish and doing something grown up would rid me of it. But I ended having 4 addictions. I still smoke a cigarette sometimes, it's really hard to know that I've wasted so many years in my indulgences. But then I tell myself there are people living with diabetes, AIDS, High BP, Cancer and countless other diseases, they don't have the choice to stop being sick but I do. Unless I don't start with my indulgence its all good. My biggest enemy is my craving. If I'm having a craving than it just means that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

I've to log my experience after 90 days. I can't explain how good it felt to be free from the guilt of having acted out and not having to think about when the next slip is going to be. My head was seriously clean and I was breathing like a free man! I did have too many expectations from my sobriety and thought I would get a lot done. Progress has been slow, with many hitches of course. But I've a clear vision now and am hoping to achieve the goals I've set for myself.

[likeafish34]

Well done for reaching 132 days P free. Tell us about your goals. What's stoping you from achieving them.Simon

[prnadict]

Thank you Simon and Jen, I'm studying to get my college degree through distance education and also am studying for CCNA. It's my procrastination and laziness that's stopping me from taking things seriously. But I feel I'm getting there and starting to take things seriously.

[Zero_Complex]

Congratulations! This is very inspiring and I'm looking forward to my 132nd day! Well, I've still got 128 days to go =.=;
Heh.
Thank you for posting, I hope you have a fun time at college! This sounds a little weird, college isn't supposed to be fun after all, but I live in a house with 6 other people, one of whom is going into college next year, one has recently graduated and the other four are currently attending...so I have an idea of how stressful college life can be.
My advice is to do your best and try to have fun with it! College is hard work but remember that you're learning and bettering yourself through it, try taking a course that interests you? If you're having a hard time don't be afraid to ask for help, everybody's been there!
Good luck~

[prnadict]

You're absolutely right about college time being stressful Zero Complex, But I'm very good at evading stress, which is one of the habits I want to loose. I'm trying to get as much work as possible done on a daily basis as I can.

Hope you the very best for your sobriety ZC. One thing a senior recovering addict told me was a slip is just a well planned "gandmasti" (hindi word that means shrewd betrayal). That has kept me wary of having any slips and the other thing I tell myself is being an addict I simply can't play with one thought for a prolonged period of time and identifying a thought that goes on in my head for a long time and keeping myself aware of it helps me.

[Zero_Complex]

Thank you for the advice Prnadict, and Good luck with college, I'm seriously thinking about some of the things you said and I think your friend must be very wise,
Stay strong,
-Zero

[prnadict]

Day 0

I'm back here after a long slip. One thing I realize is I can mourn for years about this and would not do me any good. Day 0 November 13th, back on track...whatever comes.....

[mell]

Hey prnadict,

A very belated welcome to TTF!

Sorry to hear of your relapse, but good to see you here posting about it.

Hope to see you around more often. Support is critical to recovery success.

You can do this. We are all here to help. Glad to see you are not beating yourself up, it happened, time to move on.

[prnadict]

Day 0, November 14th
Slipped again yesterday....I know what I'm doing. I'm not going to say I'm not going to do it. It's not planing that leads to a failure for sure. Years of indulging has left me lagging in various aspects of life.
I've bought a pocket book and am gong to plan each day from tomorrow.

Thanks for the words of support mell.

[prnadict]

Day 1,

Starting back again. I've been thinking about whats fueling my addiction and what people in prn go through too. Most of them are just there because they got there. There is no easy way out, I was watching a video about a prn star who said she was in the industry and her life was driven by drugs and parties. Life is kind of blurry when you add a lot of alcohol, ciggretes and etc etc. I also remember this other post about a prostitutes blog I read some where. Prostitutes term for a customer is a 'trick' and I guess getting a high watching a girl is no less a sin than soliciting sex from one. But the urge is insane. I'm so used to getting the comfort from that one hour or two hours of indulgence. It's been a long time that I've been used to it too.

I was reading a preface to a book where the author says sorry for his wife having to put upto his long hours of working in the night. He was at least doing something productive and his work would have helped many( a computer book called Let Us C) but when I relate that to my life; my parents, my brother and my grandmother have had countless moments of despair. I was in kind of a rehab when I was 19. Of course they didn't know what they were dealing with and neither did I. Went through a couple of sessions with therapists and I guess failed the Roshak's ink blot test because of which they asked me to go on some medication. Took that for a month and gave it up. Well these are just stuff that keeps going on in my head.

The most I learnt about myself is when I started attending the AA meetings. One thing I heard people say many times was, "It's not drinking problem that I have, but it's a thinking problem". No one asks one to try drinking oneself to death or insanity. The basic integrity to draw a line between fun and madness is just not in me.
Keep it simple, Let go, let God, are two simple sentences that could probably get me through any situation but not really easy for sure. I quit attending AA meetings around 2 months and could not work with a sponsor for some reason. Fact is I thought he was too much of a "happy go lucky" kind of a guy. I want everything to be hard, which is what my first sponsor told me, that was basically wrong with me. I need beating before I can actually do something, he used to tell me life is simple and you're the only one who makes it complicated.

Well these were all just things that go round and round in my head. All I know now is another day passed by without me giving into the thought. Didn't even get a chance to open the pocket book. Need to get that started tomorrow, have an exam to take up next month and I don't want to write what's in the question paper again.
Plan for tomorrow.
1. Fill up one page in the pocket book and actually do whatever I set myself to do.
2. Quit smoking.
3. Be a little more cheerful at home.

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