Defeating the addictions, one day at a time.

[Want2BeFree]

Hello,

I'm starting this journal for personal reference and to obtain support.

The majority of my life (21 y/o) I've been living with depression, anger issues and an addiction to escaping reality. It wasn't in till last year that I realized how predominant these issues really we're. To paraphrase a long story, I finally realized that I was the problem, and it wasn't other people. For the first time I realized that I give off a depressed image, and that always being in your head is not normal. This sent me into a fit of anxiety over how I represent my self to other people. My self-esteem hit rock bottom, and for the first time in my life I started dealing with social anxiety. I unintentionaly caused a major self-conscious issue, and major self doubt. This ranged from criticizing social interactions (both present and past relationships), body image (posture, and how angry I look and never realized it), and wondering why I couldn't stay in the present moment.

This all started last year, and it sent me in a desperate hunt to find the cause and solution. I checked into many mood disorders but didn't really match any exact description. This summer I took a more rational approach, and looked into what I've been doing the majority of my life. My answer is what led me here; I was a expert escape artist, everything from video games, to mindlessly watching TV, and finally to discovering the effects of porn. I read and identified with so many accounts of people suffering from anger and depression. I found the link that showed a direct relationship between porn and social anxiety. This is the basis of my journey towards abstinence's.

The farthest I've gotten so far has been day 11. The most pronounced improvement that I noticed was my posture! Around days 8-11 I realized how I slouch nearly all the time, and quickly nipped the habit. The extra testosterone was a blessing and a curse; I finally had the energy and drive to work out again, but at the same time I relapsed from experiencing the strongest urges I can remember.
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Today I'm at day 6, totally free of PMO. I'm also attempting to cleanse other major addictions as well. For one, I'm trying to spend a minimal amount of time on the computer as possible. This means no more video games and other worthless internet activities. This is my second day of staying mindful and not escaping through any means.

My goals are to live a overall more healthy life. I'm graduating from college soon, and in my current state (anxious, depressed) and I have no real chance at success. This is my driving force. I have a limited amount of time to make a MAJOR change in my life.

What I'm hoping to see from removing PMO :

Lift of depression, removal of anger and social anxiety.

More mental clarity, namely I'm hoping the constant thinking will stop and I can concentrate on just being me. I want to be the body, and not the mind.

Physical development. I've been PMOing as long as I can remember, and I'm now starting to believe that this is the cause of me looking "underdeveloped". I'm 21 and could pass for a high schooler.

Finally, real life changes. This list would be endless...

[Want2BeFree]

My mind set is that relapse is not an option, but I feel that a goal measures progress. So I'm sitting my self a goal, and that goal is to beat the withdrawal period and for the first time discover what is on the other side of the void.

[likeafish34]

W2BF,

Keeping a journal is a great idea. I've found that it helps to unload on the bad days, but most importantly it helps to be able to track mood, actions, effects, etc (i.e. what might trigger anxiety, addictive behaviour, etc). I can sympathise with your anxiety and depression. I suffer from generalised anxiety and depression and have often 'used' P and alcohol addiction to drown out the pain of my mental health issues. I have found that as I slip into my addictive behaviours, I detach myself from the real world.
I don't claim to be an expert (I've only just come back to TTF after a relapse), but I would recommend:
- Getting out into the real world (get off that PC or PS3)
- Get some exercise (get's you out of the house and is good for producing 'feel good' brain chemicals)
- Get some help with mental health issues, maybe even get some professional help

However you decide to tackle things, keep coming back and recording stuff in your journal.

Good luck

Simon

[Want2BeFree]

Day 7

Woke up feeling absolutely amazing. This was also my 3rd day in a row spending 30 minutes or less on the computer/tv/cell phone etc. I felt a rare feeling; no depression! Things clicked.

I went to class and ran into my teacher in the hall. She's a good looking, 30ish. Any way she recognized me and we had a good conversation the couple of minutes before class out in the hall way. Once class started, I started THINKING about how I had engaged in that conversation totally thought free, and with no care how I was perceived. I don't know what the hell happened, but within 10 minutes the thinking sparked my social anxiety and I started freezing up and so on.

I need to master going a extended period of time without thought. As soon as I start thinking I immediately start worrying about what people are thinking about me. I know how irrational it is (the worrying), but telling your self that is like chasing your own tail. By thinking "why the hell am I worried what any one thinks" I am THINKING, therefore reinforcing the problem.

I'm hoping that by stopping pmo, and excessive time on mindless activities the thinking will continue to decline. This morning was bliss, even though it was just a couple of hours.

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I'll be gone Friday-Sunday for a social outing I'm not really prepared for but I can't avoid. Good news it, i'll have no access to a computer or other mindless junk for the next three days, so I'm guaranteed to hit the 10 day mark.

I'm really disappointed right now about how I let such a great mind set dissolve so quickly. But I'm also motivated that I experienced a small part of what I'm hoping to achieve 100% of the time.

[Want2BeFree]

I had a productive day. I completed some errands that I've been placing on the back burner for several weeks.

I'm facing major ups and downs when it comes to energy these last three days. Usually I'm up well into the night (12-3am). Now I'm not saying that's a good thing, and usually I'm only up that late b.c I'm on facebook, porn, or video games. But the last two nights have been strangely unusual, both nights I've been in bed and asleep before 9pm. Right now, I still have stuff to do tonight (pack for tomorrow and really needed to go buy some clothes) but I'm on the verge of falling asleep again. I noted in my last post, this morning I had more energy then I can remember having in a long time. As soon as it "ran out" the rest of my day was a total drag and depression/sa took over.


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One thing I have been over looking is other forms of stimuli. Over the last week (free of pmo) I smoked several cigarettes, and ate fast food more then once. I just read Brain & Behavorial Science: Must-Reads for the PA.

Basically, things like fatty food, cigarettes and alcohol (while not doing as much damage) still harm d-2 receptors and our recovery.
Next week I plan on carefully planning out my diet. I guess the goal is to flatline your pleasure intake as much as possible. That way little things start becoming enjoyable again (aka removing depression).