My First Recovery Journal

[Sick of It]

Well, after being about 10 days P free and reading a ton of posts that have helped me imensly, I have deciced to start my own Journal. I have been an active P user for most of my life starting at about 10 or 12?

I was abused by a older neighbor when I was very young and have had a worped veiw of sex ever since. My dad took home a p movie when I was about 13, that furthur worpend my mind. My brother and sister did some in appropriate things when I was young which when putting all this togehter, I had some pretty insense and twisted expeiriences.

Ever sicne that time P was my escape, from physical, mental and emotional abuse of some kind which was always present in my househould. I was was scared as a child and never really felt comfortable or safe. I watched my father punch my mom dead square in the face and knock her out, in addition to watching my dad kick my brother while he lay on the ground. I also witnessed my sister holding my other sister while my mother punched her in the face bloddying her nose.

Pretty nice envirnment huh?

Well as I said P was my safe place, where I couldn't be "hurt" and I could escape. Little did I know how much I was actually hurting my self then and eventually everyone I loved as I got married.

I have always struggled with dailiy images in my mind which surface at random moments throught the day. Very vivid and demeaning.

Going to the gym is a struggle of will not to look at woman, same as going to a water park, beach, mall or anywhere else in public. The images are everywhere and only if I have horse blinders am I able to look away. This is a real struggle for me.

However, Ive been 10 days free and can't go back. My wife and son mean far too much for me to hurt them. I want to break out of this vicious cycle.

I am very successful in every other area of my life; work, marriage, friends, hobbies. Im a pretty normal guy except for this deep dark twisted secret.

I am encouraged by all the success I see here and am asking for as much support as you are willing to give.

My family deserves all the intergrity, honsty and love I can give; not just part of me.

This has to and will be thrown away.

[BestShot]

Sick of It,

I read your journal and was inspired by your desire to quit "P". It was striking how similar our backgrounds were with regards to abusive parents. My house was full of emotional and physical abuse and I escaped the same way you did..."P".

Like you, if you met me, you would think I was the all-American guy. Successful, popular etc. The dark side lurks, however, and like you I am so tired of it.

I have been on this mission for a bit longer than you. If you find my journal you will see that I went about 4 months without "P" fell off one day and then have been "P" free since. It has been about 5 or 6 weeks now. I have decided to stop counting and just deal with it one day at a time.

I know exactly what you mean by the images that flash into your head AND I know how hard it can be to keep your eyes on stuff that is healthy and not a "trigger". I work around A LOT of women so the challenge is always present.

I can tell you that things do improve and the images slowly drift away. I think the brain just needs time to clear out. At the same time, the urges will still grab you. Sometimes with a ferocity that is unbelievable. Last week I had a 3 day stint where I had NO urges. I never even really thought about "P".

Because I have spent so much time here at TTF I knew, however, that I was definitely not out of the woods yet. Apparently, it is normal to go through different phases where the images and urges to view "P" come and go.

One thing that I have noticed is that the longer you go with out "P" the more proud you become of your accomplishment. This pride is something that helps me stay away from the stuff when I get the urge to view it. For example, I am sitting in my room thinking "Gee, I could just take a little look at "P" and it wouldn't hurt anything?" Then I say to myself, "Dude, you have been "P" free for a long time and now you are gonna blow it???? For what??? Don't be an idiot". And just like that, I move on to something else....like coming to TTF.

This week has been harder for me. For some reason the urges are around more. I did take some time to look up info on "P" stars and their lives in the industry. A lot of the stuff I read made me sick. That was a good motivator to stay away from the stuff. I don't want to support that industry.

Finally, the best strategy for me has been to leave the TTF website up on my computer all the time. That way, when I get an urge I can come here and write, read or talk to somebody. This has never failed me.

I look forward to talking to you Sick of It. I believe we could help each other in our journey.

Take care,

BestShot

[Sick of It]

Best Shot,

Wow, we sure do have similiar backrounds. I will take your suggestion of leaving this site up at all times. Good idea. So far the urges haven't been to strong, but I know they will become more intense as time goies on, thats just what happens. The urges get so strong and come on so fast sometimes I feel like Im going to explode. Are you married? How do you deal with a having a normal sex life? What is a normal sex life really?

Im glad Im not the only one that struggles with looking. Man, picking up woman was always so easy for me, and flirting is something I do well. I have never phyiscally cheated on my wife, but I now know P is not a safe thing. It totally rips me apart from the inside out, Im literally numb after I act out and I can't function for a while.

Its like Crack. I hate it, I wish I never saw my first image. Its everywhere, TV, movies, the mall, the beach, every where. Girls dress and act so much different today then when I was younger, Im 42 now. Crazy man. I need to walk around with blinders on.

Its sure great to know someone is as normal as I am in every other respect and has the same "dark side" as I do.

Thanks for being there brother

[BestShot]

Hi Sick of It,

I am here whenever you need an ear. I have to go now and take care of things at work. Most likely will not be here the rest of today. Stay in touch.

By the way, you will find that when you stop using porn your sex life will be better. It takes time, be patient and try not to slip!!!! It's really not worth it. Not at all!

Take care,

-BestShot

[likeafish34]

Best Shot,

Its sure great to know someone is as normal as I am in every other respect and has the same "dark side" as I do.

I think that is true for nearly all of us here. People in the real world see me as a good husband (married 25 years) and loving and supportive father. It's true, that is me in the real world. Nobody out there knows about my dark side, the addict in recovery trying hard not to fall back into the spiral of pain and chaos.

All that we can really do is take it a day at a time and support each other when we're feeling down.

Keep up the good work for your family and for yourself.

Good luck

Simon

[Mac]

Hey There Sick of It
Welcome to TTF. You have taken a really good step in the right direction by coming here.
This is a long, tough battle that will not be won overnight. I liked something that Best Shot said to you, " I have started to not count the days and just deal with it a day at a time" I think that is a really great way to go into this. This doesn't mean you should approach your recovery lightly, but rather, just deal with what today brings and not get to far ahead of yourself. This can be very overwhelming sometimes if you look at the big picture of your recovery.
Anyway, so glad to see you here. Come here often, grab onto all you can.

All the best
Mac

[Sick of It]

Man this is such a great place where a lot of good things happen. This is the single most important thing to me right now, stopping this horrible habbit and clearing my mind up. I am so blessed to have this place to find such overwhelming support and understanding.

I struggle most when out in public; the gym, a water park, the mall, the movies, a resturant; wherever. I know I can't hide from everything thing and everyone. My mind is just used to looking, and looking and looking.

I didn't know it was this bad until I looked at it realistically. P has consumemed my thinking for many years, and was a way to deal with all the chaos in my family growing up.

This stuff really does warp your thinking. I don't think many people realize how much this permiates our society, P is everywhere!

I have been coming here a lot and just started my journal the other day.

I just feel like I want to dedicate all the energy I have to winning this battle, but know I can't do it alone, and its great to have a place to vent.

thanks

[Sick of It]

Do I just keep anding to this thread with every Journal entery? I guess so???

Anyway, today is a good day beutiful day for a run, and run I did. I had a trigger though, a nice looking woman coming out of one of office builidings. I just looked once and took my eyes away and got back into my running. I am learning how to deal with each trigger as it pops up. I am so trained to look at woman, everywhere I go the outfits are outragious.

I just come on here and see how others deal with the same sorts of things and share my thoughts about it.

Im realizing how deeply engrained this is into my psyche, amazing. I am prepared to fight this horrible addiction every inch of the way.

I want to have clean, heathy and pure thoughts and live just the same. It is a way of life that is foriegn to me but I now understand that this way of life is the only path to true peace and harmony.

thanks for othe support guys

[Sick of It]

I had a few urges today, as I took my son to Karate class the gymnastics class was letting out, and all the moms (I almost said ***** how sick and I, and how sick are we for knowing what that means!) we waiting around. I felt like I had my head on a swival trying not to look. I love being able to come here and talk about this, its great.

I was able to walk outside and come to this site using my Iphone, where as in the past I wouldn't even have tried to fight the urges and just allowed my triggers to take me down.

Im really doing well with no slips for close to two weeks now, but best of all Im really noticing what my triggers are am I staying aware of where my mind goes.

P has really screwed up my mind, and I feel so sad just realizing the full effect it had on me. However, Ive never been so hopeful and so determined to change my mind. I love all the support I get here, and its great to know Im not the only one that strugles with this.

Ive met some really great people on here and can really feel the strength here. Its amazing.

I had a dream last night, any idea how long it takes for those to go away? I can't help what I dream about and just want to know that it does end at some point? Maybe?
Someone came out of nowhere in my dream and kissed me, a passionate one, but thats all it was.

Shocked me a little, and it bothers me that I can still see it in my mind.

Anyone have something similar happen to them?

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Sick of it

I like that you are coming here, and writing down your thoughts. I am also just happy to see that you are so determined to fight this addiction, and to get it out of your life for good. this is a very tough addiction to beat, but it can be done now maybe if you were trying to do this on your own, you may not have a chance in hell to do it.

But that is not the case, as you can already see, that we are ready to step in, and fight this battle with you. we will never try to leave you, to deal with this on your own. I give you a lot of credit, for how you handled it when you took your son to Karate class. just the fact that you are new in recovery, and you walked outside, and came to this site, proves a lot in how bad, you are tired of this life style. A big high five, for handling it that way.

Keep up with what you are doing in your recovery. things will get better for you, each passing day, if you are working your recovery plans the best you can. I wish I had some sound advice for you on the dream thing, but I don't, but I am sure you will get the answers that you need on it.

I will do what I can, to stop by here once and a while, to see how our new family member is doing. just posting, and let us always know how you are doing, no matter if it is good or bad.

And yes, you just keep posting in this journal, and keep it going. if you don't post in the same journal, it will be very difficult for us to keep track on your progress.

Stay strong in your recovery my friend

Your fellow addict

Gerald