Aco's Journey Journal

[aconen7]

This is my first recovery journal. I came here about a week ago expecting nothing. Tonight I completed 4 days porn-free. I'm really surprised and delighted. I told myself that if I made any progress that I'd start a journal and this is it.

I hope this journey is not a difficult one. Stopping so far has worked; I just need to keep at it.

Aco

[TYC113]

Awesome. 4 days without P. That's awesome.

[PER50NA]

4 days is a good start also it is a hard journey but its worth it

[aconen7]

Thanks for the support TYC. I'm at TTF today because I'm feeling tempted. It helps to get your message and I'm sorry if you're still down about "starting all over." Although nobody wants to slip back again, it doesn't mean you're starting all over. That implies that all the work you've done so far and your commitment to trying and the friends you've made here don't count. And they do. They mean a lot. I actually feel like a different person having engaged with people here and gotten support from others who suffer the same problems. I've been doing this for an even shorter period than you and I feel different. And from your posts I can see that you're different as well. So, keep getting up every time you fall down. I will too. And we'll both get better.

Be strong and take care.

Aco

[2frustrated]

Take note of how good it feels to be p-free. Compare it to the wretched feeling of addiction (remorse, dullness, lowliness). Which one is better?

Glad you're here.

[2frustrated]

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Let us know.

[aconen7]

I just wrote a really long, rational reply, including a thanks for your concern 2frustrated, and it f***ing disappeared when I posted it!

Suffice to say I fell off the f***ing wagon without even really realizing it using a chat app on my phone.

This is to F***ing hard. TOO HARD!

[JenMac]

Hi A!
So sorry that happened. I know how frustrating it can be when you pour your heart and soul into something and then poof! it's gone! I remember mac losing his first post at least twice when hitting submit. It was explained to me that you time out if not active as in moving around the site which refreshes things as you go. A couple of things that may help you with that. 1. Click the save button on signing in. It is right next to the login button. 2. I always copy every post just in case something goes wrong. Then if something does happen all i have to do is paste it in again.
Hope this helps!
All the best!
Jenn

[aconen7]

I have completely fallen off the wagon. For the last few days, I've been out of control viewing porn and MBing two and three times a day. It's horrible. It started when I was doing a web search for an illustrator for a project I'm working on (having nothing to do with porn, of course) and one of the images popped up a porn site. Then I felt like I'd seen something already...may as well look at more.

After that I got K9 to block the porn, and it worked for a few days. I made the password hard to get to and really long.

Then I slipped again when I found myself searching a video site for any kind of stimulating videos I could find.

And then, I was working at a client's office and K9 blocked all access to the web on my laptop...IN FRONT OF THE CLIENT! I made up some excuse, but had to make the password easier to access. Since then, I've been back at it, pasting in the password and viewing porn and MB whenever I feel the urge.

I didn't want to come back here and talk about it because I feel like such a failure. Just because the f**king porn-mongers slipped a site in front of me is no excuse for letting myself go like this. I don't know how to stop again. It's almost like - in my mind - K9 takes the responsibility away from me, and the fact that I can get around it means I earned the right to watch more porn. I need to have the will to ignore and defy the urge on my own. And I've lost it.

I don't know what to do now.

Aco

[brokenone]

I'm glad you posted your experience. Its good you coming here and airing out everything. Its better for you than you think. You slipped. It happens to many of us. The thing is your trying and you have it in you to keep trying. Its hard trying to break a habit and one which you have been so deep into for so long. Keep trying, take it one day at a time.And keep coming here. Read the posts of others here when you can. It really helps to know your not the only one out there. And the truth is your not. Don't beat yourself up. Just dust yourself off and get back up and restart your course. You can do it. It will come in time.