Cyberpunk's Journal #3

[cyberpunk]

Well, I decided I had better start my third journal, my last one is here.

I can't say I've been successful at overcoming my addiction but at least I am persistent. Overall, my life is great, I've finished school, got a great job and I am not lacking for anything. That's not entirely true, I'm actually seriously lacking any real intimacy (emotional or physical) in my life. I think that it is the catch-22 of my addiction. I look at P to get fake intimacy which in turn makes it more difficult to get real intimacy, which means I turn to P, etc..etc....etc.

I've been sober 1 day now, I was sober for 7 days before that and another 7 days before that. It's not really any progress from where I was before but I keep aiming to break that 7 day mark. I've also done a complete 180 on internet filters, while I still have an internet filter on my computer, I know the password and I can get around it at any time.

I've done this because of some recent pondering on the subject desire. I've recognized that I have desires to look at P and MB and those desires are stronger than my desire to be sober. Don't get me wrong, my conscious, logical mind absolutely believes the opposite but I've come to see that my true desires are reflected in my actions. Even though I consciously want to be sober, I subconsciously want to give in. This creates internal conflict as these two parts of me have opposite desires. Ultimately, the deeper and stronger desire wins (which in my case is P).

With that in mind I've been focusing my energy to changing my subconscious desires. I don't think this is an easy thing and I really don't know what to do but I am following some ideas I've learned in pop-psychology and self-help books in the hope that I can change my desire. Until my desire to be sober is greater than my desire to look at P it won't happen. With that knowledge I am able to recognize that my desires haven't changed. This is why I have given myself the password to my filter, because the change (or desire to change) has to come from within me. If the change comes from outside forces it won't stick. No internet filter forces me to acknowledge my true desires instead of making excuses. I don't think this is for everyone..just me.

This is a little longer than I intended but I haven't posted in a while. Here's to 1 more day.

[maggie]

Glad you're back CP~

Yea for returning... and Yea for day one...

I still remember the post you wrote about honesty and truth... it was moving.

[maggie]

CP..

How are you doing? thanks for sharing your personal life story here... it helps so many people that are trying to figure out the
complexities of life...

Your ' old journal '.... sorry/no offense.. contains a wealth of insight and information. I hope that your posting here again will prompt others to read your ' old ' posts.. srry again!

How are you doing CP?

[cyberpunk]

I'm great, thanks for asking Maggie, and sorry to take so long to post again. I have been consistent in my 5-7 days of sobriety over the last month but I am currently on day 8 right now (Being P free). I've been exercising almost every day for the past 30 days and that has greatly helped me; both in consuming idle time in a productive way but also that it increases my happiness level and self-confidence. Consequently, I also feel less of a desire to look at P.I've still got a long way to go, but I'm working on putting effort into positive actions (like exercising) which are helping. I've known this before, but I am reminded that simply not looking at P doesn't seem to enough, I need to replace the empty space left by my addiction with good things.

[cyberpunk]

Well, things can turn around pretty fast sometimes. I had a date this evening that did not go very well, it didn't go bad, it just didn't go well and now I find myself struggling with self-confidence and self-esteem issues. This in turn triggers my desire to look at P because I am accepted and in power when I look at P. I haven't, but the desire is burning in the back of my head right now so I am trying to be proactive in my battle by posting here.Relationships are such very complicated things. You have two individuals with separate lives, hopes and beliefs that are trying to bring those together. I think I feel a little rejected because I opened up about some of my beliefs with her and I couldn't really read her reaction. I then felt desperate because, subconsciously, I believe a rejection of my opinions is a rejection of me as a person. So I talk more and more trying to explain my ideas more clearly which just makes me look weird and then, when the date ends, I feel a little confused and rejected because she did not tell me that she completely agreed with me.I know this is crazy but it doesn't change the fact that I often go through this. Typing this out has helped me to explore my feelings and understand a little better the underlying causes of my trigger in this situation. I don't know what to do in the future, but for right now I've just got to stay sober for the rest of the evening.

[cyberpunk]

Still sober. I've been struggling with a dark mood last night and this morning but I am at church now and it is lifting my spirits.

[lost_one]

hi cp..

regarding your second last post.. you know.. i felt same a few years back on a date.. i would talk n talk n talk thinking i am very open.. and couldn't read the reaction back from her.. as a result making me nervous, feeling rejected.. well why didn't she say something.. the fact is that they did.. i just didn't recognize.. i am saying this because it happened almost all the time and still happens so the problem is with me not with any of them.. because of so much p i now know that i have self-esteem, confidence, communication and so many other issues on which i have to work seriously.. p truly ruins all aspects of your life man..

but i don't know why.. i am having this feeling after reading your posts that you can win this fight.. all the best..

[maggie]

Hey CP,

You are so right. This takes more than just not looking. You need to find things to do that challenge you. Exercise is a top choice. It not only fills that space, directs your thoughts elsewhere and consumes your energy...it strengthens you and creates good brain chemicals too!

putting effort into positive actions (like exercising). I've known this before, I am reminded that simply not looking at P doesn't seem to enough, I need to replace the empty space left by my addiction with good things.

You mentioned a date that didn't go really well, or you thought it didn't. CP please be careful with what you think, thoughts can become part of who you are and what you project. I'd guess just about every person on this planet is uncomfortable in a social situation/date when trying to make conversation, share thoughts and all the while trying to read the other person's reactions. Not knowing how someone feels about us, or someone who may be sizing us up... professionally or socially... it is disturbing.

I feel a little rejected because I opened up about some of my beliefs with her and I couldn't really read her reaction. I then felt desperate because, subconsciously, I believe a rejection of my opinions is a rejection of me as a person

Please try to have enough confidence in yourself to express your thoughts and beliefs (** unless they are totally skewed !!) and not even need her or anyone else to react or agree. You are a professional man who has done alot of analyzing and introspection, and you probably have alot of insights and ideas that others would find interesting. Try to believe in yourself..first, when you speak your thoughts. Don't scrutinize what you are saying(*unless it's pushing religious, political,ethical boundaries) and try not to worry if the other person agrees. They are just your thoughts, they are not commands or demands you are speaking.

Intelligent and open minded people can feel and appreciate the authenticity of another's words, whether or not they agree with them.

[cyberpunk]

It's been a while. I'm currently at 7+ days (day 8 right now). I've started a 90 12 step meetings in 90 days.

I've been studying a book about making changes and I'm trying to implement some of the ideas I have learned. Primarily, the main idea is that change requires new motivations and skill in three areas: personal, social and environmental. Many times I have focused on my personal motivation or a new skill in my environment, but only one area is not usually enough to create changes.

So, in other words, here is the plan that I am trying to implement in my life so that I can get a substantial period of sobriety.

Personal Motivation - Write down why I am doing this and review it daily.
Personal Skill - Be in bed by 11:30pm every night and rarely use the internet at home. Also, I have an internet filter on my computer.

Social Motivation - I have my internet filter sending an email of all internet activity to my mother every single day. Having my actions transparent to my mother is very motivating :).
Social Skill - I am attending 12 step meetings, calling my mother every 7 days and reporting my sobriety. I also am calling my mother every day during the weekend since this is usually the most difficult time for me.

Environmental Motivation - I've told myself that I can MB as much as I want as long as I put $20 into the donation tray at my 12 step meetings for each time I do. Basically, trying to tie my actions with an immediate consequence.
Envionmental Skill - I've put up some pictures of the things that I value and my reasons for my sobriety in the places where I usually struggle.

It's a simple plan and I'm going to have to revisit it frequently, but I feel hopeful.

[WayFarerNation]

I told my mom about my struggles too, and I made sure to let her and my dad know when I slipped about 3 months ago. It definitely helps to be open with other people, and talking about your struggles in those 12 step meetings should also help you tremendously. I find your persistence inspiring considering you've been a member since March 2008.