The mess I've made....

[Scott]

of my family. I am a recovering PA who has had several weak moments in the past 8 months and compounded the damage by lying and hiding the transgressions. My SO has been an angel; continually forgiving and begging me to communicate. Unfortunately, my stubbornness and delusions of my ability to overcome this addiction on my own. So now I get to enjoy the solitude of an empty house. (Please excuse my sarcasm; a defense mechanism to deal with the pain). My SO left today with my child, dog, and truck. I know, I am now the subject of country songs. (again, excuse my sarcasm, if you will). The pain of this is just the thing that would drive me to view P; but I must resist if I am to show my SO that I am serious about recovery.
My history of use is pretty extensive; it began as a teen viewing magazines, once I was old enough to purchase I couldn't stop. Subscriptions to monthly magazines; newsstand specials every month; searching for and buying back issues; all in the name of collecting. I then started viewing and collecting videos; dozens, falling into the buy some get more free trap. Going to clubs; then the Internet opened up more possible viewing opportunities. Toward the end of two decades worth of viewing P and objectifying women; it was a daily habit, even several times a day. My SO finally had enough of the isolation and separation and said enough, no more. The ultimatum was given and I took steps to comply but I didn't do everything I should have. Now I am alone and miss my family more than I thought possible. Now I must do more than I know what to do if I am to have a chance to restore the trust that I have completely destroyed. Even if I cannot rebuild my family, I must stay on the recovery road for myself and my child. This is my most important task ever in my life and I don't know how to succeed. I am hopeful this website will help me as much as my SO says it helps her. End of day one, lets see if I can get some sleep. I miss you SO.

[Cupcakemomma]

Hey Scott! Glad you've started posting. This site can be an invaluable resource if you use it.
Also, the great thing about country songs: All the best ones start out sad but have very happy endings, so be the best country song you can :)

[champagnesuppanova]

Welcome Scott. Well done for posting. That of itself is a huge step. I wish my SO would post here, but he isn't where you are in wanting to change. So you see, you have already achieved so much by owning up to the problem and making the statement that you want to change. I hope you find the strength to stick to the path you have chosen. Good luck. CSN

[2frustrated]

Welcome. I hardly know what to say about the deep pain you must be feeling. I am just happy that you are finally here: on the road to recovery.

[JenMac]

Welcome to TTF Scott!
I am sorry for the place you find yourself, but they do tell us that sometimes we need to reach a bottom before we can make the changes that are necessary for a healthy life.
Scott, I KNOW you will find this site helpful to you! I KNOW that you can receive great support and guidance here.
I am glad that you have taken this very first step, even if it took a crisis to get you here. Where there is a will there is a way! I believe in that Scott. I have to. And you should too!
Wishing you well as you move forward in your recovery!
Visit often!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Scott

First off, welcome to TTF. if you want help with this addiction, then you came to the right place for help. you are not alone.

Your story hit home for me, and I am sorry that you are going through this. but, it just shows, that this thing, that we felt hey, ALL men do it, can destroy everything we care about in life.

You made a statement in your post, that I just love. you said:
"Even if I cannot rebuild my family, I must stay on the recovery road for myself and my child. This is my most important task ever in my life and I don't know how to succeed."

Doing this for YOU, is the only way we can do it. if we even try to do it, for someone else, to be honest, then we will just fail in our recovery. by doing this for YOU, just shows, that you are going to be fighting this, with the right motivation to beat it. you are doing it from your heart, and it is in your heart to do it.

So what is next for you to do? FIGHT my friend, and fight with all of your power, to rid yourself from this addiction. show this addiction, that you no long what any part of it in your life, or in your child life. you said that this is the most important task ever in your life, and that is so true. you say you don't know how to succeed in it, but I feel that you have already started doing so. just by you coming here, and telling us that you want this crap gone, and asking for help, you are on your way to succeed.

You are in no way alone here. there are so many Addicts, who are willing to do what it takes, to get you going in the right direction, in your recovery. so please do what you can NOW to be here as much as you can, and lt us know what you are going through, so we can help you.

We can never take back the pain, we caused to our family, because of this addiction. because of this addiction, you have put your SO through so much unneeded pain, that can take years for it to go away. I have done the same thing my friend, and i never want to put her through that pain again.

Though we cant take back what has already happened, what we can do, is take back our life, and start being in control over it again. we can change who we use to be, when we were deep in our addiction, and transform ourselves into a better person, not only for us, but also for our families. your so and your child, deserves so much more, that what you have put them through. As you do better in your recovery, you will feel so much better about yourself, and your family will feel much better about you also.

Even though you don't know how your relationship will turn out, just do what you can now, to change you, and become that Man, that your SO and your child, needs in life. it can take a long time, for you to be able to build up trust again, but you will do it in time. fight this hard fight is worth it, and you are worth it, to be clean from this addiction.

Thou I am sorry you need to be here, I am glad that you are. The mess that you made with your family, well clean it up. I promise you, that if you come here, and stay with your recovery, you will find, that you can be a person, that you never knew you could be. I need to say this. as you are in your recovery, now is the time to be honest in all things. there is no room for hiding things, or secrets in this recovery. it is what got us in trouble in the first place. So if your so asks you how you are doing, please be open and honest with her. if your not, then you are only hurting yourself this time.
I pray that you have a good life with your family, but that is up to you, if there is even a chance for your family to make it through this mess.

ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Good luck to you

Gerald

[lost_one]

Welcome Scott..

I thought i was the loneliest person on earth.. whenever i login here.. it doesn't feel that way any more..

you have a family and a beautiful child.. stay clean for them..

[Scott]

So I've entered another day. I closed my first post wondering if I would get to sleep because the house was empty. I did not sleep at all. Friday at work was okay, no urges. I was able to get through the day, focusing on work. I had several sad moments; but no thoughts to look for P. Getting home was a challenge, as tired as I was. I am disappointed in that I wanted to go to an addictions meeting at a local church, but without sleep in 36 hours; I crashed. I fell asleep by 7 pm and woke up at 3 am; fell asleep again and woke up at 8. Faced with the prospect of a whole day in the house alone was daunting. I starting thinking of chores that needed doing; watched some TV (HGTV). Luckily a friend from church called; asked for some help moving furniture at church so I went to do that then over to his dads' house to help remove an engine from a truck. Being around others allowed me to not think of P and not think of my SO and daughter leaving. Now that I have been home for 4 and a half hours I am faced with another sleepless night. I wonder if this is how it will be; unable to sleep until exhaustion forces it; meanwhile finding things to fill my time so I don't sit idle and think of P. Sunday will be a challenge, 7 hours at home between church services. I so want to have a successfull day and not have thoughts of P. Being on TTF has helped so I'll set some time aside and view other peoples posts to get some assistance.

[phil]

hi scott i'm finding the trick is to stay as busy as possibul. i to find it hard to sleep if i'm not exhausted. try and think of your goal. good luck and hopefully we can all help each other.

[Mac]

Hey Scott
Really glad to see that you found us here at TTF.
It does sound like you need us and I do hope you will be able to get some much needed support and guidance.
Just try to take things a step at a time. It sounds like the situation you find yourself in is pretty new. Give it some time and give yourself some time to come to terms with where you are. Setting some goals and putting a plan in place to get yourself headed towards recovery is a good idea. This can include plans to fill in your spare time with constructive and positive things so as not to get sucked back into the old habits that got you here in the first place. If you always do what you've always done you will always get what you've always got. You must make changes to your routine.
This is all very new to you, so just set a direction away from your old habits and get moving on it.
Be sure to grab onto anything than can help you and be sure to talk out your problems somewhere.

Good luck, Scott

all the best
Mac