Failed to Keep up my part of the deal

[DDH]

My Wife has been asking me for months now to seek counseling and post on this website to help aide in my recovery I haven't been living up to my part. I am due home in two months and have not made any progress at all in our relationship. She has been out here regularly seek advice and helping others, It is not easy to seek help for something like this and it is defiantly not easy for my to share my personal issues with complete strangers. I want to get over the P addiction I know I can't do it on my own. We have done a few excises that she read about on this site in in one of the books we were reading and I believe they were productive for the both of us. I know she has been frustrated with the lack of effort on my part working on my recovery. I really am ready to give up this nasty addiction because there is nothing in return from it whatsoever but pain and destruction. By no means do i want to be selfish at all i can see where she is coming from because she has been out there seeking advice and even went to see a counselor and I haven't done no where near as much and I am the one with the addiction. Because if my selfishness I have pretty much lost my family at this point.






If you would have asked me a few years ago if there was anything wrong with P I probably would have said no it is something that all men look at. I am sure we have all sat at work and heard men talking about looking at it magazines, movies whatever. For some of us what started as a curiosity one day turned into a full blown addiction that we are struggling to quit. For me it started back in early 2000s when I got my first computer I was at friends house and they showed me some sites they had my wife at that time worked opposite from me and so when she was at work I would look at p on the computer. It didn't take long for my curiosity to turn into a problem/addiction it went from looking at p on the computer to renting pay previews at night when my wife was in bed, she has caught me numerous times over the years and I would come up with some sort of excuse as to what I was doing. Over the years I have continued my P use in hiding late at night or when I am home by myself all the while destroying my marriage and my wife's self esteem along with it. I never realized how destructive my behaviors were until the last time my wife walked in on me looking at P and we really started talking about how she has been feeling about it for the last 9 years. I never new how lucky I was to have a wife like her to even stay that long with someone like me. Now she is at the point where she pretty much has both feet out the door and is not looking back, all because I let one poor decision turn into an addiction. I look back now at the time I spent looking at porn and what I have gotten from it, I would say that could have spent time doing something productive and tangible instead of in a fantasy world. The biggest thing I let p rob me of is the trust of my wife and her friendship instead of developing a intimate relationship with her, I instead let P put a wedge in-between us. I have been ready to give this addiction up for over a year now and have been able to go without P for a few months and then I would have a relapse. The one thing I have learned is that you cannot overcome this addiction on your own, I wish I would have gone to my wife and told her my problems and that I was ready to work on over coming my addiction I possibly could have been in a better situation right now. If anyone were to ask me today if there was any harm in looking at porn I would say yes there are a lot of thing wrong one it is unhealthy because it teaches you how to have s in a fantasy situation and it also exploits the people in the films as well. I would advise anyone out there thinking about looking at P in any form to think twice about it because you could end up like so many of us out there where it could turn into an addiction.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey DDH... I'm not glad your here but I would like to welcome you and say that I am glad your ready to give up the P addiction because we can always use another in this battle! Sorry I didn't catch your first post back in May but once again welcome and I'm glad you decided to start your own journal.

It's a sad story DDH... it always is but the thing I find helpful is knowing we're not alone in this. I went on for years as well and then thought I could quit on my own but was sadly mistaken! Then my wife had finally caught up with my dirty secret and confronted me back in March of 2010 and I've been sober from the addiction of P & MB but it doesn't really matter how we got here but rather just that we're here now and making the changes necessary to become a better man! You say how you regret the time spent and wasted on the addiction and how you could have done something more productive and tangible! Well stick with the recovery DDH... quit the acting out of the addiction! ...own up to your past bad choices and mistakes! ...and learn from all you read here and in books and make those changes necessary to become the man you want to be and the one your wife deserves! In doing this you will find the single most productive and tangible thing you could ever achieve in your life... the love of your wife!!!

Sorry if I sound a little harsh here but something touched me in your story I guess and I see a bit of myself in there? I truly want what's best for your recovery and the healing of your wife and hope you find the strength you both need in your journey!
It takes time but each step of the way and the further you get from the addiction the better it will get!

Thanks for sharing your story with us...

[JenMac]

Hi DDH!
Welcome to TTF!
I am sorry it took so long for you to come here but I am glad you are here now. It is a sad thing that it sometimes takes such a strong stand from the SOs to get their partners here but it seems that is often the way! Regardless, you are here now and that is the important thing!
It is going to take all of your effort to save the very things that are likely so important to you in your life. Now that you have taken this first step, you have hopefully chosen a very good path to follow.
I am wishing you all the best DDH! I hope you will find what you need here, that will help you in your quest to be P free. I certainly know that there are many wise and caring people here who will invest their time and support in you if you are truly willing!
All the best!
Jenn

[wantingfreedom]

DDH
TTF will help you to come to terms with yourself. This must be done first. You will feel shame amd guilt but when you come to understand the destructiveness p causes and how it can 'get' to almost anyone, you will come to a place where forgiving yourself is the only way forward. This allows release and you can't move froward carrying this burden by yourself.
I am not preaching but you will find help to carry the load if you can accept that there is a higher power and that can take many forms. Giving yourself to a higher power can mean TTF, SA meetings, simply reading the bible ... not necessarily becoming a full on church goer, not that that is wrong in any way.
Find something to believe in because we all need that. Your life will change if you truly want it and if you work at change, every day and in every way.
Exercise, food, sleep, talking to someone who can relate, and then repeat.
It is possible... you can do it.

wantingfreedom

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hello DDH
As Sorry as I am, that you have to be here, I am glad that you are here. This is one of the best decisions that you could have made when it comes to your recovery. I must say, that your story was very moving, and it hit home with me. But, no matter how bad you are/was in this addiction, you can not take back the past, or take back the pain, that you caused to your wife.

But what you can do is, just do what you can now in your life, to get this addiction out of your life once and for all. Just by you coming here to this site, is a start of your new life, a life free from this addiction.
You talk about what P done to you in your life, how it robbed you from trust that you should have. The thing is, this crap robbed us addicts from a lot of things, and we just do not realize what it does to us, until we are fighting to become free from it. So start this battle that you are in, to be free from this addiction. I am not going to say it is going to be easy, but I will say, that it is only as hard, as an addict makes it, to be free from it. But, if it is in your HEART, to beat this addiction, then there is no reason as to why you can’t beat it. I have over 40 years of this secret behind me, and I am proud to say, that I am just a little over 9 months free. It took me destroying my family to be free, but I am doing it.


Like hopefulsrock and Jen said to you, you are not in this alone. We are here to help you with this, the best that we can. No, we can not cure you from this, but we can try to guide you in taking the RIGHT steps in your recovery, so your recovery will be a little better for you.


One more thing I would like to say is that, as you know, your wife is destroyed by your action. All of us addicts, who does have a partner in life, have in one way or the other, just ripped the hearts out of our wives/SO’s. Help her heal from this pain that was caused by this addiction. She didn’t ask to go through this, in no way, did she deserve to be going through this pain that us addicts caused.

I had an SO from this site tell me one day, that with this addiction, us addicts got all the highs from it, but they get all of the lows from it. I never looked at it that way, but she was 100% right in what she had said, and when she said it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The last thing I ever want to do again, is destroy my SO that way I have done because of this addiction. Look what we have done to our Beautiful women, just because we wanted to do what all men do. For me, just wasn’t worth the pain that this crap have caused.

Start your recovery, and never look back. Never put yourself, back in this dark place, that this addiction puts us addicts. Freedom for this is wonderful. I am a 55 year old man, who can say from his Heart, that he has never felt as good in life that he does now. It is all because, I no longer have the burden, of carrying this addiction around with me anymore.
I wish you nothing but the best my friend, in your recovery. You can and will do this, and you will become the person, that you truly do want to be

[DDH]

Thank You! Everyone for the warm welcome and encouraging words.

DDH

[Teemo]

I really am ready to give up this nasty addiction .

DDH,

I believe that is the most important factor. At some point we are ready to do whatever it takes. Until then, we are fooling ourselves. Sure, we want to be better men, but we want our selfish pleasures, too. At some point we know we have to get free. We are ready to face the truth about ourselves, get help, do the hard work, and make the big changes.