The Walk

[TYC113]

It is the day after I relapsed and I am feeling a little low. I had gone a whole month without a problem, and I thought that I had everything under control, but I don't. I feel bad, but I don't want to. Guilt and shame won't help me recover, I know that. I just want to start over and this time hold up. I'm praying I do, because I cannot go back to that old version of me. I was a horrible person a little while ago, yelling at people for how I felt they were stupid & delusional, while depressed on the inside for my addiction to masturbation. I want to start following Christ and become stronger in my faith, but I feel that what I did caused a major setback in that walk. But I know that I cannot give up and give in to my old past. I must start the walk again.

And I feel this is where I need to go to start walking again. TTF.


TyC113

(And I am not trying to indoctrinate my beliefs with this. I am just stating who I am.)

[2frustrated]

A whole month, that's great! Congratulate yourself for that. Don't let that one day of acting out obfuscate your previous success.

Away with the guilt! What kind of God do you follow? Does he remove his presence from you for your wrongdoings? No! He comes closer and allows his love to radiate on you even more. God is not a jealous lover who turns his back on the beloved. He is a true friend who loves you even more when you've failed him, because he knows that's when you need his love the most. God is close to you, my friend, whether you feel like it or not. Do not despair. Look ahead.

[TYC113]

Thank you so very much for that. I am very glad for your kindness. I needed that. I must remember that. 2frustrated. I am so glad you responded. Thanks.

[JenMac]

Hi again TYC!
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
That is what is necessary to change any problem in your life. Look how far you have come already! You are aware. You accept that you have a problem. And now you are taking action! How great is that?
I agree with 2F! Don't let one day of acting out set you back or take away from the month you had free.
Refocus and recommitt to your plan of action.
You CAN do this TYC! You have chosen the right path! And the right place to be to help you!
Listen and learn!
Glad you are here!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

TYC
Welcome to TTF. I was going to respond to your post in the new member area, but I saw that you already started your journal. starting this journal, is the best way, to start on this road to recovery. by you writing here, all of us, can see what you are going through in your recovery. good or bad, write it down, so we will know how to help you.

What I like, is that I see you are only 21 years old. just the fact, that you are coming here to get help, at this young age, is a very big encouragement for us here. it shows us, that you want to get this out of your life, before, it can do anymore damage to you. If we allow ourselves, to continue in this addiction, in time, it can and will wear us down. it can and will, destroy us, so much more than we know. This addiction, just about destroyed all I had in life. I have over 40 years with this addiction, and I never thought there was even a chance, to go one day without it in my life.

You had 30 days free from this crap, then you had a slip. be proud of the 30 days. just because you had a slip, does not mean in any way, that you cant do this. by having that 30 days, just shows it is very possible, to not have this addiction in your life anymore. I n that time that you had free from this addiction, it taught you how to handle your recovery, in a way, that you have a little more knowledge in what is needed to remain free from it. The more knowledge we have about this addiction, and what it can do to us, will make it a little easier to get thru the rough times that may come around for us.

Never give up my friend, in this recovery. no matter what happens in your recovery, make it a heartfelt determination, to continue to fight this with all that you have. Sure there will be hard days, when it comes to this recovery, but to be honest, I feel there are more good days with it. Fighting this addiction, and becoming free from it, is only as hard, as a person makes it. If you have a plan, and you stick with it, then it is really not all that difficult to fight this crap, and come out a winner.

Just remember one thing. you are not alone in this. there are so many here, who are very willing to help, and do what it takes, to help you on this journey that you find yourself on.

You can and will do this, if you truly want to be free. you can take this addiction, and throw it out of your life for good, if you are willing to do, what it takes, to be free from it. Fight this fight, and show this addiction, who is the boss of your Body, Mind, and Heart

You are already on this road to recovery, so stay on a straight path, so you can find true freedom from this very sick controlling addiction.

Good luck to you. always feel free to ask us anything, that you need help in. We are here to guide you through this crap

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[TYC113]

Thanks, Phil and JenMac. You're right. I am recommitting to the fight and this time I am going to hopefully stand true. I won't let the relapse get me down. I am going for the win.

[TYC113]

I've given more of a story about who I am. Here it is.My Story. Introduction #2

[TYC113]

Today was just so hard. I woke up in such an urge. I had an incessant urge to mB. I had a dream about a P that I had watched repeatedly and it caused me to be so aroused. I couldn't help it. I tried to stop myself from thinking about it, but the harder I tried, the harder it became to forget. I felt like touching myself and did for a little bit, but luckily I was able to stop and get out of bed. Eventually, I thought of something so gross that I was able to turn myself off. It really worked. I was glad for it. But things were hard when I got to school too.

I ended up getting to class today and I saw this pretty woman at school. Now she is way older than me, at least I think. Much older But the thing is I find her beautiful still, very beautiful hair and face for starters. I found it really hard to deal with her. I saw her and instantly I grew nervous. I don't know how to really look at her without being that way. She is beautiful. It was tough to be around her. Luckily, I had class to focus on and was able to do that. But after class was over, I walked out and she walked out with me. We talked a little bit after class was over and then I had to leave. But before I left, she gave me a hug. I felt very uncomfortable afterwards and was just so nervous because I knew I was aroused. I instantly moved my bookbag to hide my erection. I felt nervous and hoped no one would see me. So I walked out as quickly as possible and went home fast. I just didn't want anyone finding out.

The thing is I know why I find her pretty, it's P. Her body is really beautiful like all the girls I used to like when I watched P. That's why whenever I see her, I instantly think dirty P stuff, even though I don't want to since I actually think of her as a friend. But I don't know how to interact with her without this going on. Matter of fact, this happens whenever I am around any girl I see as pretty. And it happens involuntarily, it seems. It's hard to control. And I just don't like feeling this way.

My question for you guys is this: Do all of you go through this too, where you see some girl/guy and instantly have P come to mind? And if you do, how do you all deal with it? I would like your response.

[Daniel]

TYC,

Welcome to Through the Flame.

I, like many others, are very glad you are here. In particular, I am happy that you are finding your way out of the fog that P enshrouds us when we use. We literally cannot think properly about anything except getting the next fix...

Your question about mind control is a good one and I'll get to it.. You should avail yourself of the many good journals and discussion topics in the General Discussion. You will find many answers to your questions have been asked by those before you, what has worked, what hasn't, lots of good practical material for overcoming urges, dealing with thought-life issues, tips for your behavior, etc., etc.

Pollution. This is what P is to your brain and thought patterns, as manifested by the "automatic jump" your thinking does when confronted with a real-life body type that you identify from your experience watching P.

This pollution and its effect on your thinking is a brute fact and nothing short of a miracle of God will allow you to escape it. For now, that is.

Time is the best medicine, in combination with a concentrated effort on your part to fill your mind with good things, good memories, good material, to supplant the pollution.

Believe it or not those memories will fade to the dustbin but it will require some mental exercise on your part.

Do not expect the world of your mental performance. Do not, repeat Do Not beat yourself up. When you become your own worst memory the urge to medicate can be very strong.

Take one moment at a time, each free minute is another victory.

I would avoid thinking romantically about the opposite sex for the time being. Your focus now should be the "cleaning out" of your mind, of learning to think cleanly and clearly, to fill your mind with Good.

Hang in there! The war is winnable.

Daniel

[TYC113]

I think that I just took a step backwards today. I actually downloaded some P and took a look at it. It was a long video and I saw it. It had been one that I had seen repeatedly. But I looked at it, and while I looked at it, I felt disgusted. I was aroused for it, but I knew what I was doing was just so wrong. I looked and finished the video ASAP, and while I had the urge to MB, I didn't act on it. I just wish I never even looked at it. The whole Day today I have been fighting off discomfort and withdrawal. I felt such an urge to look again, and give into it again. And I gave in to the P part, but not the MB. It has been so difficult to deal with class too. Today in class, we had to talk about certain dreams that we had been having, and I wrote a paper on it. I wrote the paper on a dream of myself having sex with the Pstar and I found myself really in love with her. I recall saying "I love you" so many times and all she could say was "More, more, more." And at the end when I finished, she just kept saying "More, more, more." Making me feel so dejected. But I couldn't talk about it at all. It was just far too difficult to even speak about. I cannot deal with that. I was far too embarrassed to speak about that. I thought about walking out of class or just plain lying so that I wouldn't. Luckily, I didn't have to speak about it. At least for today. But it was so rough today. I feel like I just lost.