The Walk

[TYC113]

You're right, Disillusioned. It is not trying to quit cold thinking you will never fall again. It is all about focusing on what I did wrong in the process and not doing it again. It is about atoning for the mistake. And it won't be an overnight change. It takes a long time. You reminded me of an old adage that I love so much.Thank you so very much for the help, Disillusioned. I am really glad for the advice. I should focus on other things when I am bored like reading, running, etc. Things that I wasn't doing when I was a P addict. It's very hard to focus when TV has so many shows that have girls in bikinis and sex is all over the television. I think I just saw three commercials for hook-up sites like craiglist and Livelinks. They were on during the day. It is very hard to deal with P addiction when the TV is pushing sex at every single corner. I don't know. I am trying to watch one of my favorite shows and that comes on. It's frustrating. It seems every show has sex nowadays, and that's all the commercials really push in some way. Infuriating.

But once again, thanks, Disillusioned. I know that this only on the internet, but I can feel you guys helping me out and rooting for me. It's so cool to have friends like that, internet or not.

[Disillusioned]

Hi TyC,
I have only lately begun to watch light and funny romances again. Couldn't stand it before. You know, the boy gets the girl at the end, and there is a wonderful wedding, and the implication is that it will be happy, they've learned from life what is really important.
I thought it was all illusion, just like my own life has been. Nothing real. I'd look at the girl and think to myself, in a year, he'll be bored with you and out looking at other women. When I'd watch tv, I watched documentaries, Animal Planet, and Nat Geo, and the family channels. I really felt cheated and I didn't want reminded about what I had lost or never seemed to have. That's water over the dam now. I am just hoping we get a chance to be together a little longer and enjoy our rediscovered closeness. I've waited and hoped for a long, long time.
Might be a good time for documentaries, animal shows, Pawn Store guys, Pickers, history channel...really like that one. Get away from the insane commercials and revealing clothing as much as possible. You can teach yourself not to go there, but it takes work, and it is easier done once the p is out of your life. Then you have to start looking at passerbys as people, real people, not body parts. Our country is so obsessed with sex and sexuality. It is a wonderful part of life, but not the only thing to see and think about. P keeps your mind there, and with the continual use of it, it is hard to go out and be around people again, and not see them as P stars. The urges will get less strong if you can stop feeding them. You've re-set and learned what needs done. I am thinking you are going to do this, and when you do, you can't relax and feel I have it licked. There will still be the sex-obsessed world out there bombarding you with images that once took you to dark places. You have to be vigilant not to let them take you there. I am hoping you will invest what you have learned in others, Ty, as there are new ones every day that can use your voice of experience, your way of avoiding triggers and your honesty. You hang in there, now. I'll talk to you later.
disillusioned

[lost_one]

it won't be an overnight change. It takes a long time.

True that.. a lot of scarifies required here..
as an example.. you will feel withdrawal effects.. like bitterness.. harshness.. anger.. headaches.. mood swings.. lonliness.. etc.. I FELT THEM I KNEW THEM AND THEY'RE WORTH EXPERIENCING.. don't worry about them.. they'll vanish quick if you are committed strong enough..

I should focus on other things when I am bored like reading, running, etc. Things that I wasn't doing when I was a P addict.

thats what i do but with passion and interest otherwise you will still be thinking about P even reading, running or whatever..

It seems every show has sex nowadays, and that's all the commercials really push in some way. Infuriating.

it will get much worse.. most of television is full of this crap.. here is what i do.. we have a problem and we know it.. so better avoid watching it.. but in today's world i think its not possible to fully avoid it.. at first I would be watching tv n something comes up.. i would try to back and forth the channels and then come back saying come on how can you ignore it man.. what a lazy idea.. so then i kept on searching for the right action for my defence and thought I have to adjust myself with tv in some way.. now whenever such scene comes in I am aware that this is the thing i am fighting with.. try muting the sound immediately and change the channels.. this is because both our senses are involved.. and the quicker the action the swift results we will get then we can easily throw it out of our mind.. this practice works for me and I am now used to it..
For me there is one more thing i think i should tell you about that is g**gle and similar ads.. they appear almost on every other website these days.. and they are very smart at targeting whichever place with whatever advertisements whenever they want.. simple formula don't look again after the first glimpse and close.. that works for me..

one very important thing I have noticed in my recovery is that.. its not only the TV.. Magazines, Internet or anything else.. but its our mind that has been conditioned to react in that way.. i should tell you that sometimes when i didn't have access to the internet or was so lazy to turn it on.. i would MB only on the thoughts of anything i remembered.. I had all the TV.. Stories.. and similar garbage in my mind to recall back whenever I wanted..

we can keep on talking about why they are doing it and what are they gaining from it.. bottom line is my friend P IN ALL ITS FORMS IS DESTRUCTIVE.. THINK what are YOU doing about it? supporting it or fighting it. NOW YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM.. DON'T JUST SIT THERE.. GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.. DO AT LEAST SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

its been just 49 days that i am sober now but these days have given back to me a lot what I had lost.. oh and i don't post often on TTF.. i think a copy of this post should be in my journal too but still its in its right place.. :)

hope you get well soon brother..

[TYC113]

Yeah, that is so true. I feel like the mental imagery still comes to mind whenever I don't want to. I try to block it but I am sadly unsuccessful. It is a hard thing to fight against when it has plagued your mind. But I absolutely like your idea of blocking it out by muting and turning the TV away. I will try that method. I will do that now. Lost_one, you are always so helpful when it comes to this. I will try to do something about it. So grateful to have found this.

[lost_one]

you're welcome TYC.. :)

[TYC113]

I think I learned a big lesson today. I have been upset over my affliction because of my perfectionism. I've had so much pride for so long that I've become a perfectionist. I have been afraid to show off my flaws and have been afraid of being wrong that I have a hard time accepting that I don't know everything. And that has translated to my addiction. I have been ashamed to say the least for having this addiction, and have been mad at myself whenever I fall short. It has made me an angry person in the past, and isn't helping now because I sometimes feel guilty for losing. But I just listened to The Prodigal Son in the Bible and I feel that it has spoken to me today. It has really awakened me again to a lesson that I must keep learning. I have been upset over not getting things right when it comes to my addiction, but I must remember that as long as I keep trying and keep searching for God, he will always accept me in the end. That is the lesson for me. Even when I mess up, I must remember that I cannot keep getting down on myself. That will only hurt the recovery process. Instead, I must remember that I will constantly be accepted by God and just keep working to get better. That will help. It is something that I must keep remembering. I hope this stays with me.

TyC113

[TYC113]

Man, I really need to learn how to deal with a past evil in me. I feel like my mind is always being polluted with trashy thoughts and trashy images. It is so hard to deal with all of the thoughts continually running through my head. I want to stop and just clear my mind. The thoughts are telling me two different things and they deal with my faith. I feel that once I feel I am starting to increase my faith, something keeps coming into mind creating seeds of doubt. I don't know how to eliminate the seeds of doubt. I want to, but I don't know how. "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." I know where those thoughts come from too. They come from my past, where I used to make fun of everybody. And that part is telling me to revert back and fall back into my old way of thinking where I wasn't satisfied and angry all the time. There is that part of me, and I want to break free from it. I just cannot go back to that old shell of myself. That's why I need help, guys. I really need your help, folks. I want to change, I honestly do. But it is hard to do so when I have these thoughts going on in my head. TTF, do you all have thoughts like these run through your mind? And how do you deal with having this going on? I need your help on how to deal with this, please.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Tyler,
I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." I know where those thoughts come from too. They come from my past, where I used to make fun of everybody. And that part is telling me to revert back and fall back into my old way of thinking where I wasn't satisfied and angry all the time. There is that part of me, and I want to break free from it. I just cannot go back to that old shell of myself. That's why I need help, guys. I really need your help, folks. I want to change, I honestly do. But it is hard to do so when I have these thoughts going on in my head. TTF, do you all have thoughts like these run through your mind? And how do you deal with having this going on? I need your help on how to deal with this, please. Posted by you earlier today….

This is sometimes where TTF can help. So many have walked the way you are going before you. I can tell you from reading the journals of others that keeping physically active seems to help. One of our PAs has taken up running. If you are confined to your room because you can’t take time out of studies or work, consider jumping rope, chin-ups, push-ups. Do something to distract yourself. It’s called redirecting your attention, and it is a good and positive thing. Say the alphabet backwards, divide a number in your head, count backwards in threes. Anything that will take you somewhere except to p.
It is going to be difficult. Try one of these things above, or something one of the PAs has posted. Give yourself a set time to try to reach without going to p. If it’s 8pm, try going to 10 pm without giving in. At 10pm, hug yourself. You made it till 10pm, even when you did not believe you could make it. Now, can you make it till 12. Don’t look too far ahead, or you will drown in “I can’ts.” What you will find out, as you only reach for two hours from now, is “I can.” When it is 24 hours, tell yourself, I did, and keep going. Just don’t look too far ahead. What is the goal…to be present in your life. Email a friend or relative who would be happy to hear from you. Call mom or dad, or Uncle Zeke. Call a friend from high school and see how his life is going. If you have time, volunteer in a nursing home for a couple hours a day. Play checkers or chess with someone who is lonely and can’t get around. Use the gifts of being present in your life to add comfort and quality to someone elses. The reward is wonderful. Hug yourself again.
Hang in there. Best wishes, really.
disillusioned

[TYC113]

Thank you so very much, Disillusioned. I really appreciate it. I think I need to add some activity into my life so that I won't fall back into old habits. Do you know what I want to do again? Singing. I always love to sing and I want to get back into singing. I love music and I should try to get back into singing. So if I can, I am going to try and find a singing group to be a part of. What do you think?

[TYC113]

I almost fell today again and almost did it again. But I am glad that I didn't. I didn't finish. It was very tough. I woke and started to MB, but luckily I was stopped because I remembered I had to mow the lawn today. I was pretty lucky with that. I ended up restraining myself. I am so glad for that. But anyway, after I was finished with that, later in the day I had another urge to MB because I was remembering a P star from the past who was really pretty. And it gave me urges yet again. I was searching for her, and I almost gave in once again, but I just couldn't. I just had a strike of conscience hit me, gladly. But I still searched for her and the urge was so strong today. I hate it.

And I still am looking at girls as sex objects and only looking at their lady parts. It is driving me insane. I want to break this so bad, and start looking at girls for qualities. I want to break this, but I don't even know how to look at girls without noticing their parts. I guess if I blindfolded myself I could notice, but then I would be aroused by the voice. I still have that going on too where I would only have to hear their voices and that would arouse me. It drives me nuts to be honest with you. I hate being aroused by all of this. I don't want to be only about the physical with a girl, because I wasn't finding the right person and was living wrong when I did. I know I will never find the right girl when I'm only focusing on their bodies, but my urges are controlling what I am looking at. I want to break free from it.