The Walk

[burnedout]

One last thing, then I really gotta go for the night. Just something to think about:

I'm basically using her like a prop, like a tool and an object. That's all it really is. That's all I have ever seen girls like, props and objects. She might as well be nothing more than a trash can for me.

from Wikepedia:

In 1923, Martin Buber published an essay "Ich und Du" (I and You), in which he pointed out that our narcissism often leads us to relate to others as objects instead of as equals.

[burnedout]

Ty, I didn't mean to use your journal to jot down my own random thoughts. I have my own journal for that.

Like I said, I think you're doing really well.

[TYC113]

Well, I am back after 3 days now. I haven't MB in 3 days and it feels good. It really feels good for now. I just know that I need to keep it up. I have one more day before the school week is over with, but my week is far from over with this. I will continually struggle with this. And I know that.

I have been writing more this week over basically everything and I basically disclosed myself this week to a few elders at my church. I feel I wrote everything within me this week that was eating at me, I guess. Things I haven't spoken about to anybody I spoke to them. I haven't ever faced anything like that because I didn't ever see my feelings. For such a long time I didn't even know why I did that. My feelings were so locked away, so to basically disclose them to others were so big because I was so afraid to do that. I am just glad to be able to freely talk. I've never felt more free. It was absolutely wonderful for me to do so, and they were so patient with me. It took a while for me to completely open up, but it is so wonderful to talk about this with. The only thing is that I don't want them to be a therapist for me. That's not their job. They are my friends, and I want to continue treating them that way. So I want to do the same for them and be there for them in the same capacity they were for me. I am so glad.
"As iron sharpens iron, so does a friend sharpen a friend". Proverbs 27:17
"People who conceal sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy." Proverbs 28:13

But moving on from that, I am noticing two things this week: 1) how much TV has basically become infiltrated with P and 2) how lustful I am without having to look at P.

The first one is pretty evident in my opinion, but I say this because I was watching TV this week and they have this "dating" show where a guy goes out with 2 girls and throughout the show they were making sexual innuendos and dirty P jokes. Then the cameras kept focusing on the girls' chests to show them off and the guy was making dirty jokes. Then the girls would get into bikinis, get drunk, and basically make out with the guy. I can't believe the show made TV. It's trash to me, to be honest with you. But there are plenty of shows that are like that on. I saw another one the other day with Jerry Springer on it. It's should be called mini-P in my opinion, that's what it shows me at least. For me, there is very few TV that I can watch without having to see P and sex.

But I really can't judge because I have a whole ton of P still stuck in my head, and I happen to notice how I lust so much over every girl. I can't find a girl that I don't look at that way. I need to reexamine my heart and have it restored. I lust over so many girls, overage & sometimes underage. The neighbor girl I think is 16 and I always have been staring at her, looking through my window to peep at her like a creeper. I know I am not right at all with this and I need it corrected. Girls at school, ladies at church, I always seem to look at only for their bodies. I know they're more than that, but I still do that anyway. And there's specifically this one girl at church. She can't be 16, and I think she's younger than that. She is pretty, as is every girl, but I can't seem to stop looking at her when I want to. It's only physical attraction, and I know that, but she is constantly in my mind and seems to keep my eyes wandering off God. And I don't want to look at her the way I am like she is all I need. I know that's wrong to look at someone for that. And it affects how I treat her. I treat her like a doll and possession instead of a person. I am a lustful person and it needs to be fixed. I want to stop lusting and be able to look at girls as people, not objects like I do now that are here to satisfy me. I have such a long way to go in this.

[TYC113]

I relapsed after 8 days of fighting. I felt I deliberately did it. I deliberately messed up. I was fighting my urges all day yesterday and I decided to indulge them. I felt no joy doing it. No pleasure whatsoever. I was dumb for doing it. I thought that it would make the urges go away if I did it, but they haven't. They are still here! I wrote everything down and just did it anyhow. I was going to make it, but sadly I didn't do it. I screwed up. It sucks what I did.

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Hey TYC,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. The way is certainly not easy. No part of it is. But you're still fighting, and that is the most important thing.

I noticed you talked a bit about church, so I assume you have a congregation you regularly attend? If so, do you know if they have any kind of addiction recovery, or sexual addiction group that you could meet with? Like you said in an earlier post, it felt so good to talk about all of the things you always kept bottled up. That isn't something that should only happen once. If you can find some sort of group to attend, you'll be able to do that every week.

And, further, you should really try to find a sponsor nearby who you can pick up the phone and call whenever you need. Often, in the thick of the battle with this problem, days can feel like an eternity. Having someone to talk to can be immensely helpful. I would even go so far as to say it is crucial. It will give you more strength than you can imagine, and lighten your load considerably.

Good luck, TYC. My prayers are with you.

AE

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I relapsed after 8 days of fighting. I felt I deliberately did it. I deliberately messed up. I was fighting my urges all day yesterday and I decided to indulge them. I felt no joy doing it. No pleasure whatsoever. I was dumb for doing it. I thought that it would make the urges go away if I did it, but they haven't. They are still here! I wrote everything down and just did it anyhow. I was going to make it, but sadly I didn't do it. I screwed up. It sucks what I did.

Hey TYC
I am sorry to hear this. Yes it does suck what you done, and mostly because you did it deliberately. but you know what you done was wrong, and you feel bad about it. So the question is my friend, what are you going to do about it?

If you are finished in beating yourself up, then the answer will be, pick yourself up, and start this journey again. The one thing we need to always remember, is that we can not just sit and dwell on the temptation when they come around. we all know that the first thing we need to do, is to put our thoughts in a different place. Not wanting to sound like a ass, but you didn't do that. instead you didn't fight them off hard enough, and then you said you DECIDED to indulge them. I am so proud that you are MAN enough to admit that you knew what you done, and you decided to do it on your own.

I just want to see TYC, getting back on track again in his recovery. I just want to see TYC, fighting harder than he ever has, to fight this crap out of his life. I/WE know that you can do this, and you will do it.

Just a thought my friend. you said:
No pleasure whatsoever. I was dumb for doing it. I thought that it would make the urges go away if I did it, but they haven't. They are still here!

What happens if a stray cat comes to your house, and you feed it? it doesn't want to leave. WHY? because it found a place to eat, and it just wants you to feed it again. This is the same with this addiction. IF YOU FEED IT EVEN A LITTLE, IT WANTS TO STICK AROUND, SO YOU CAN FEED IT AGAIN. So stop feeding this addiction, and it will go away from you.

Try to stay strong TYC. we are here for you, and we want to help you

I will talk to you soon

your friend and fellow addict
Gerald

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hey TYC

How are you doing? give us an update my friend. just want to make sure our fellow addict is doing good.

Gerald

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Just me again wanting to see how you are doing. you can not stay away from here my friend, if you want recovery. we are here for you regardless in how you are doing. come back and let us try to help you to get back on track

Gerald

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Hey hey. I'm with INOH, just wondering how you're doing. If you read this message, trust me when I tell you that staying away from these forums, being too busy, or feeling guilty, is not the answer.

Hope to hear from you soon, friend. And I hope you're well.

AE

[2frustrated]

Miss you here. Hope you'll visit soon. Whatever you're going through, good or bad, we want to hear it and be right there with you.