The Walk

[JenMac]

Hey TYC,
Slow down a minute. Deal with one thing at a time. You are jumping way ahead of yourself in this.
Yes I know it must be scary but by thinking it in this way, you are making things far more unmanageable than what they already are.
Take a breath. Slow down your thinking. Conquer one thing at a time.
Deal with what is TYC. You didn't watch P, but you conjured it up in your mind. How are you going to ensure that this is something that you don't do in the future? These thoughts will no doubt come to you, so how do you deal with that? What can you do to move away from that thinking and to put yourself back in a good place?
TYC, desire is natural. It has only been skewed by what you have allowed into your life. By removing this from your life, you will be putting yourself back on track. I have to believe that by working diligently at this in your life you will be able to find your way back to 'normal'. If you don't believe this TYC, it will be harder for you to get there.
Praying for peace for you TYC.
Get back on track! We are pulling for you!
Jenn

[2frustrated]

Ok, so you mb'd. At least you didn't look at p on the computer. This is an improvement. You're improving. Yes, you trip and fall a lot, but you still keep going in the same direction. That's what's important. Stay in the direction and keep moving. No matter if you fall flat on your face; keep moving, stay focused. As long as your heart and eyes are set on the goal of freedom, p will continue to have less and less of a grip on you.

[fightingdefeat]

You're improving. Yes, you trip and fall a lot, but you still keep going in the same direction. That's what's important. Stay in the direction and keep moving. No matter if you fall flat on your face; keep moving, stay focused. As long as your heart and eyes are set on the goal of freedom, p will continue to have less and less of a grip on you.

I'll echo this! I can completely associate and understand what you are going through... I've been there. But remember what your striving for. Focus on that. Even if you regress unbelievably, it is ultimately important that you pick yourself up and keep the fight going. You are in a war -- we are in a war. We get wounded and we get hurt, but we cannot let this thing kill us. No matter how much it feels the momentum has been halted, you have to remember what you want to achieve and what you can achieve! There is hope and we're here for you. Praying for strength for you in this moment.

[TYC113]

Well, this is Day 4 for me now. I am glad that one more day is almost up and out and that day 5 in on the way. That is so cool. Well, anyway, I asked my mother if she would unknowingly set up my k9. I sent my K9 to my mother and I am going to have her help me with this. I'll explain it if I have to later to her. But I think this will be a great thing for me, honestly. I am thinking that if someone knows what I am looking at and it sends a report as to what I am looking at, I will be definitely less likely to look. Especially with my mom. I know how to set it up and stuff. I have instructions to do it. I am hoping that this will be another thing that I need to help me.

But that is just one thing for me. I know now that there are so many things that I need to really fix. While I struggle with addiction to P, I also really struggle with flat out negative, cynical, and proud thinking. I really need to start learning how not think badly of people or think that I'm better than other people. I really need to have deep humility. Titus 3:2 "Speak Evil of no one, avoid quarreling, be gentle, and show true humility to all." Fitting. I need to heed those things and stop feeling so cynical and proud. So I have a lot of things that I have to fix on me. And I also know I need to fix things with my folks.

I mentioned before that it is basically like living with a stranger when it comes to my dad. I really feel that I have become unloving towards him to be honest, and that is not right. I know that. He is my dad and helped give birth to me. It seems that every time that I am near him, anger and stress build up inside, which I hate. I feel that I just don't like to be around him anymore, and I don't want to start resenting him. At least I have Dad in my life. Most of my family doesn't even know who their father is. Their dads left before they were even born. But I know the reason why I don't like being around him anymore. It's for 4 reasons.

Reason 1: being that he never wants anyone to get in his way and wants everyone to dictate to his life. My mom cooks for him everyday and he expects food to be there for him in some way. And I feel he treats my mom ungratefully with his actions. Plus, I don't like my mom and dad's relationship at all. So I guess I am bitter over that.

Reason 2: I feel that he hates it whenever other people ask him for a little time. Maybe this is just today, but he got mad (and it was my fault) because I got out of class late and he had to pick me up since I don't have a car. But my class ran over and I had to stay in class, so he got especially mad at me because it was 30 minutes late. It was my fault because I told him I'd be getting out early when that wasn't the case. Then he began to yell at me about how I was 21 yet couldn't give a text message or something, being inconsiderate, saying I was an ingrate taking up his time. It has been that way ever since 18. I know he wants me out of the house because then he will have his castle all to himself and no one can intrude on his space and it will cut down on the food bill. He mentions that a lot. Which brings me to point 3.

Reason 3: I feel he is responsible why my brother never wants to come home and hang out with me. My brother who lives only about 2 hours away from me hates coming home, and my dad hates it when he comes home. My brother and dad argue a lot and have done so for a really long time, ever since I was a teen. My dad has beaten up my mom in the past and my brother had to step in and save the day each time. I think ever since then, my brother hasn't liked my dad and it has fractured their relationship. And it has only gotten worse over time. I think my dad is jealous of my brother for some reason. I can't tell why, but I just feel it and kinda know it. It may have something to do with my brother and mom getting along so well, and my dad hates that my mom likes to hang out with my brother and I more than him. It's bad to do, and we know that. But my mom doesn't like my dad at all, and it seems pretty evident that if my mom didn't cook, clean, and also do a part-time job, my dad wouldn't want to stay with her. He would have left years ago if that were the case. And I think he is also resentful of my brother because he is following his dream, which in turn is causing Dad fits. Dad wanted him out of the house for good with a job, never coming back. He wants the house completely empty so that no one basically burdens him. I understand after 24 years of raising kids that he just doesn't want to do it anymore. But he looks at me and my brother with a "Get Out" attitude like he couldn't stand one more minute with us. He hated my brother's friends because they hung out over the house and liked being around us. I basically stopped bringing people over after a while because I knew that he hated people being over. He would kick people out and ban them from coming over if he felt they were over the house too much. So I didn't want to subject people to it. When I did hang out with friends, which was seldom during the week, I always went over to their house. I never wanted to have friends meet my dad and I am still very apprehensive about having people meet my dad. I am a little worried that he will growl at them for coming over and intruding his space. And that leads me to the final point.

Reason 4: I fear that I will become just like him. It's not that I am ungrateful and ashamed to have him being my dad, that's not the case at all. But I don't want to be grumpy for the rest of my life. I don't want to be so unhappy with my marriage that I would rather work than come home to a wife. I don't want to hate having people around me and would welcome the opportunity to have people around me and be my friend. I don't want that. I want to be different. But I know that I was born to him, and I know that I can be that. I am just afraid that I might become like him later on in life, and I would hate it if I did become that. I just don't want to be anything close to it. I just want to be different from that.

Anyway, I don't know how else to put it but that. I have a lot to work on besides my addiction to P. That's such a huge part of it. But there is much more going on that has to be addressed. And I know I can't do it on my own. I'll need help to do it. I need to learn so many things, like forgiving with my father and dealing with anger towards him. It's not easy to do. It may take a really long time to do these things. But I am wanting to do all these things.

[Disillusioned]

One day at a time, Ty. You can't change your whole world over night. Pick out the biggest problem in your life and work from there. Hard to do when they are inter-related, isn't it. You may have been using P to numb you regarding some of the family pain that has been in your home for a long time. Only you can answer that one. Good luck in peeling the onion of your problem, layer after lonely layer, till you can see the center and understand.

[TYC113]

I may have found a new trigger other than the ones from before. I realize now that I get really nervous whenever I see/ fantasize a beautiful woman with a great body, either on TV, fantasies in my head, or in real life. It's probably because I don't know how to deal with girls and talk to them, and MB about them has been the only way I have dealt with them. But whenever I see a gorgeous girl, I just get nervous because I can only imagine using them in that way, and all these P thoughts come into my head instantly. For instance, I was watching a basketball game on TV, and during commercial they had a potato chips commercial featuring a woman with beautiful blue eyes. The whole commercial I was lusting for her, and I just grew captivated by her. It was wrong of me. But then, as all I kept thinking of was how beautiful her eyes are, the P thoughts came into play, arousing me so much. My drive was entertained for sure, but it makes me so nervous. Every time that I see a girl that I find beautiful, it brings up images from P with her and me in it. The girl doesn't even have to be a P star, but I will imagine her that way. Then I try telling myself not to get aroused by her, and it doesn't work. I try to make the thoughts go away, but they continue to stay. The harder I fight against my thoughts, the worse it gets. It's like agitating. Eventually, I end up telling myself don't think about it and run away. But the thoughts stay and they tell me go ahead and MB, which I don't want to do. I know that one MB will only provide momentary relief, nothing long-term. I feel even worse about myself after I MB because I know I'll never have true joy if I continue to MB. I hate MB, and I feel controlled by it. So I want to break free from it for good. It sucks, though for me. It's hard to break free.

And if this hot woman is in real life, I get even more nervous since I have to deal with her. There was a girl in school that I talked about previously where I lusted about her chest. I couldn't stop thinking about her chest and wanted to keep on looking at it. So I did. But at the same time I look at her chest, I get worried that I am going to get caught by her or someone else and I will start to have the reputation of being the pervert. That nervousness and anxiousness builds up inside of me and makes me want to MB even more to take the anxiety away. This happens so often for me, where I will be anxious about being caught lusting or worrying about slipping again so I will just MB to take away the anxiety. There's this neighbor girl who wears like some short shorts and skirts every day. And I will look out my window to get a peep at her, since I'm creepy like that. I will just look and continue to look, and at times I will get aroused by her. I haven't personally met her, but I do know this far. I think she's not even 16. She's still in high school for crying out loud! I realize that I am basically lusting for some high school 16 year old when I am 21 years old. I know that's not right at all. And to add on to that, she's my neighbor. I don't want to be caught being a pervert with my neighbor. I often get worried that she will look at me looking at her through my window and see me staring at her like a perv. That would embarrass me to no end.

But the thing of it is, I don't just lust about schoolgirls. It's about everyone. I have a friend who I have known for a long time, and I finally met his mom a few months ago. I find her very pretty. She has to be double my age plus, but I can't stop lusting about her every time I see her. And I get nervous to be caught lusting about her from my friend or his mom. (Plus, drawing close to an attractive woman in any way makes me really nervous. I don't know what to do when one comes around me. I don't know how to control myself when they do come near me. I'm so used to having them as far away from me as possible, where I won't be caught lusting by them.) It makes every hug I get from her really nerve-racking because I know that there could be a chance for that awkwardness and embarrassment to occur. Then I would have to answer what happened and be so embarrassed in front of them, adding to the anxiety.

I guess what I am trying to say is I have a huge trigger of embarrassment and awkwardness. I don't know anything about treating girls like ladies, all I know is being a P addict. I feel awkward talking to girls because I get afraid that I am going to have an erection when I get close to them. I used to keep distance from others so that I wouldn't have to deal with this at all, but all it did was seclude me from help so that I can deal with this. But I still don't know how to deal with girls without MB and P. I don't. And it makes me so nervous. I need to know how I can deal with girls without the fear of being caught with an erection and having embarrassment follow. I don't want to keep running away forever from girls.

[2frustrated]

It's great that your realizing this. The key thing now is to acknowledge it each time it happens and redirect your thoughts. For example, you happen to see the neighbor walking up to her house. Tell yourself, "There goes my brain again, trying to fixate on a girl like an object." That is acknowledgement: attributing the desire to past conditioning--something that you currently cannot help or control. What you CAN control is what you do the moment that thought/desire comes into your head. Redirect! Look away. Think about something else. Do something else. Think about world peace, or a good book, or start to clean your room or do your homework. If you don't do this, the thoughts will fester and grow.

[TYC113]

Yeah, thanks, 2frustrated. I have no idea as to how to deal with a woman and my first instinct with this is to fawn and MB over her. That is the only thing I know what to do when it comes to girls. It sounds terrible and it is. I feel strange whenever I see one and nervous. I think to myself "How do I act or react?" and that creates a sense of nervousness. Then everything within my being starts to scream out, MB. And that makes me nervous because I know that I can easily succumb to it. I know that my libido is so powerful that it can take over everything, and then I get nervous about maybe slipping up. I know it can happen at any time. And the anxiety from that increases and increases and the only way my body feels to take the anxiety away is to MB it away. So I am fighting against such a complete habit. This has followed me everywhere since 13. I would want to MB not only at home, but in school bathrooms. I would try and plot ways to have s_x with some of my female teachers at school because I saw it in P. I wanted them to be my s_x teacher. I felt so sad about being a virgin and I was often alone. So I wanted them to basically teach me how to have s_x and then maybe I would be able to get a girl to like me. I felt that girls wouldn't like me because I never really thought I was exceptional at anything or really good-looking. I thought that being good at sex was the only way a girl would even want to stay with me. That's what I heard all the time as a teen. I didn't want to be laughed at for being lousy in bed by a potential partner, so I thought that having s_x with one of my experienced teachers would really help me in avoiding this.

Then I wanted to replicate some of the stuff I saw in P, and I still struggle with the mental images popping up. It's like now whenever I see a pretty girl, all that comes to mind is them doing stuff from P with me. It's been that way since high school for me. I remember wanting to go and just have s_x with girls from school at school and I didn't even care if I got caught doing so. There were fantasies in the woods behind school, in a closet after school was over, so many place where I wanted to do it. My s_x drive thanks to P made me feel like a ticking time-bomb of hormones, and at any moment I could explode. Now I never did at school, which is awesome, but there was a big part of me that wanted to. I thank the Lord I didn't. There was no way I would have stopped myself as an addict.

I even had (and still have) fantasies where I am just so physically aggressive, basically throwing myself on a girl. I picture myself just basically getting on top of her and having sex with her or pushing her against a wall and then having sex with her. I can picture the thrusts and all that come along with it. But it's like I'm so aggressive with it, sometimes even coercive. It should be called rape to be honest with you. There is no way that it couldn't be called that in some cases, but it's what is. It's like I sneak attack them, surprise them. When it came to my teachers, I would often picture myself being behind them and then sneaking in for a kiss. Then I would start getting more and more aggressive, grabbing her, ripping off her clothes, and then clutching her as I'm basically having s_x P style, finishing the way like P. That's the fantasy that appears every time that I see a girl. I'm basically using her like a prop, like a tool and an object. That's all it really is. That's all I have ever seen girls like, props and objects. She might as well be nothing more than a trash can for me.

I've treated them as less than human for so long, and I wonder if these things can be changed. It's like the only thing I see is s_x. I basically see s_x everywhere. It's basically this way with any girl, underage and middle age, even with friend's moms. I basically can't go anywhere without looking and seeing s_x. Not at school, not even at the grocery store. Being a s_x addict makes everything difficult to do. I can't even trust myself when I'm alone in the house. I feel even more tempted to act out then. And all of this is not helping me view girls as humans, not sex toys.

[burnedout]

I've treated them as less than human for so long, and I wonder if these things can be changed.

If I can do start to turn things around at the ripe old age of 47, I think you can do this, too, Ty. Actually, I'm jealous of you for recognizing this problem now. I was utterly clueless at your age. Maybe the fact that sxlly explicit images are so much prevalent these days is actually a blessing in disguise, in that it makes people have to deal with the effect it all has that much sooner. I'm impressed that you've recognized how this has all messed with your head, and that you're starting to sort it all out now. Keep at it, guy.

[ocja0201]

Hang in there TYC

I was struck by your words above when you wrote, "I also really struggle with flat out negative, cynical, and proud thinking." When I read that I felt as if I had written those words myself. Pride is, I am coming to realize, one of the banes of my existence. At every turn pride tells me that I am better than others, from there flows negativity. I am just now realizing that humility and and a positive outlook are inextricably connected.

I also know where you are coming from when you talk about relating to girls, for a long time I had a hard time talking to the opposite sex. The more you can see them as less of an object of desire, and the more you can see them as a fellow human being, the easier it will become. I have found this prayer to be very helpful to avoid falling prey to the lust monster when I see a beautiful woman; instead of simply looking away acknowledge her beauty by saying the following, "how beautiful is your dwelling place oh Lord mighty God." The lord dwells within each one of us, and you glorify God by acknowledging that.

God Bless,

~J