The Walk

[2frustrated]

You didn't mb! That's great. You're improving. You're recovering.

Regarding that lady in your earlier post, I would just avoid her entirely until your sensitivities have calmed down.

That sounds like a really scary situation you had in class. That would be really embarrassing to have to share such a dream to classmates. Now you know, though, that for future assignments, don't write about anything you wouldn't want the class to hear. I've had situations where the professor shows the whole class my paper. I wasn't embarrassed, but I would have been had I written about extremely personal things. If the instructor asks you to share the dream next class, tell him or her that it's too personal, but you have another dream you like to share. I'm sure you have a more benign dream that would be appropriate and interesting enough to share in class.

[TYC113]

You didn't mb! That's great. You're improving. You're recovering.

Regarding that lady in your earlier post, I would just avoid her entirely until your sensitivities have calmed down.

That sounds like a really scary situation you had in class. That would be really embarrassing to have to share such a dream to classmates. Now you know, though, that for future assignments, don't write about anything you wouldn't want the class to hear. I've had situations where the professor shows the whole class my paper. I wasn't embarrassed, but I would have been had I written about extremely personal things. If the instructor asks you to share the dream next class, tell him or her that it's too personal, but you have another dream you like to share. I'm sure you have a more benign dream that would be appropriate and interesting enough to share in class.

Yes, that would be so frightening if I had to talk about that in class. I think that everyone would be crazy and look at me funny. That would be very scary. I think I would run out of class if I had to do that. Just too scary of a thing to do.

And I can't avoid the lady anyway. She is a very nice one and very gracious to me. There is no way that I could just possibly avoid her. Plus, we are in the same class, so I really can't avoid her. I just have to find a way to deal with her head on and find a way to not look at her in that sexual way. I also have to find a way to avoid looking at girls bodies like a pervert. I am going to need a massive deprogramming on that.

And yes, I'm glad I didn't MB.

[TYC113]

Warning: Graphic in detail, perhaps.

Today, I almost thought I was going to lose it. I held on and held on as strong as I could to not look at P, but I ended up succumbing and doing it. I took off all the blockers and was able to take a look at the P. So I looked and I thought that I was going to lose now, but I started looking anyway. I looked and looked, but I really couldn't MB. I just wasn't aroused by it enough to do so. Of course, the girls were attractive, but I just was not able to MB still. It wasn't enough to do it. I ended up getting bored from it, and turned it off. I think that P has become not only disgusting (seriously, **** & *****) but also stale. I don't really care for it the way I used to. I used to basically devote myself to it. Now it's just pointless. It's not really love, it's all a lie. I couldn't do that sort of stuff to a woman. It's so degrading, you know? Some of that stuff should be inhumane. All I keep imagining whenever I see that stuff is how painful it must be for the girl to be doing some of that stuff. That has to be hurting them in some way. In no way could that not cause pain. It hurts to watch for me. And I want nothing to do with that anymore. I realize now that P is not only wrong for me to watch but is just plain gross. Sadly, though, it will be a struggle for me to deal with. This addiction, even if it is gross, is hard to deal with. This whole week has been just so hard as P and lust has just flooded my mind. So, if you could please, pray for me. This will be hard.

[JenMac]

So, if you could please, pray for me. This will be hard.

I am praying for you TYC, as I am sure others are as well!

Jenn

[TooSensitive]

Tyc, in openly and honestly talking about your struggles here, you are opening the door to recovery. I believe that when we can use our mistakes as a learning tool (positive), it helps us more, instead of using them to beat ourselves up which will just keep fostering guilt and shame (negative), b/c then, we aren’t doing ourselves any favors. We shouldn’t dismiss what we did, but we also shouldn’t dwell on that incessantly, either. We should use our mistakes to our advantage in an effort to learn how to avoid repeating that same mistake again, instead of using them to continually beat ourselves up. And then, we need to move on. If we keep repeating that same mistake, then I guess we just haven’t learned our lessons yet. We have to forgive ourselves and realize that some lessons are much more difficult to learn than others. If we find we still remain stuck, then we have to stand back and take a look at where we may be going wrong. But we have to give ourselves a chance first.

By admitting your struggles here, you are going to become even more aware of those. I believe doing so will help you learn more effectively from them. And you are also going to get some great feedback from experienced others.

I can’t really give you suggestions on how to handle these incidents of a/o, b/c I am a partner. But I can let you know that we mother hens are here for you, to give you encouragement and support as best we can, as we take you under our wings as if you were our own. Amongst everyone here, recovering addicts and partners alike, you will get that support you need. Please don’t let one setback trip you up in total. You fall off the wagon, you get right back on again. Repeat as needed.

The more you reach out, and the more you expose this here (and hopefully somewhere out in the real world, too), the more recovery you will eventually find yourself achieving. It does take a lot of really hard work, and it does take a lot of time to get there. But the more you practice, the better you will become at avoiding what you should.

Your introduction posts were really powerful in their honesty. Your journal here is shaping up to be the same. Thank you for sharing as honestly as you have been, b/c it is helping me have a refresher course in understanding how deep this addiction can go. This allows me to have a greater understanding of what my h has gone through, and may still be going through. If I don’t have the honest side of things, it’s going to be difficult for me to have an understanding of what takes place and how things transpire.

Reading what other addicts go through in their struggles, and esp. when I read that after falling, they pick themselves right back up again (or at least have the desire and intent to do so), has actually been adding to my own strength and resolve to overcome this thing, in the ways I need to do for myself, as a partner.

Again, thank you for your honesty here. It is truly inspiring and strengthening and enlightening.

As Jenn says, “Awareness, Acceptance, Action” can help us solve any problem, even this!

I think you are making huge progress already, even if you are still viewing p at times. B/c I noticed that your attitude towards p has changed from where it was when you still enjoyed it. Your conscience, and even your subconscious, is shifting. That is a very good sign that you are feeling disgusted and repulsed by p. This is a great start. I feel that as you go along, this attitude will also begin to shift into what you experience out in the real world, too, when you are around these “beautiful women” that you feel attracted to. I feel that eventually, if you keep working at it, you will evolve into the respectful young man you wish to become. You are already there in many ways. You already respect the damage all this has done, and will keep doing, if you don’t keep moving forward. I have faith that you will keep moving forward! I have faith that one day, this will all be behind you. It might take a while, but one day, this just won’t be part of you any longer. Not like it is right now. It might always be there to some degree, but I feel you will learn how to put it in its place, so that it is in the background instead of in the forefront. And once you get there, I believe you will remain ever mindful of it, so that it never moves back into the forefront again.

Your future is resting upon this. Please don’t let that pressure cause you to fail. Instead, allow that wonderful possibility to keep you moving forward. Look forward toward the light, not behind you where the darkness lies. Once you have created enough distance between the darkness and you, you can look back at it, knowing though that was once where you lived, it is not where you live any longer. When we are in a place where we can do that, it can become yet another source of strength for us, and resolve to keep moving ever forward.

I am praying for you too, tyc, as others here are also doing for you. Please keep praying for yourself as well, for that strength and guidance in doing what’s right. Don’t ever give up. B/c we sure aren’t going to give up on you.

[2frustrated]

Focus on how good you feel about yourself for not fully acting out.

[TYC113]

I wish I were dead. I am so sorry you guys. I fellshort and MB again. I did it today and I just feel like dirt. I cannot believe what I did. I feel like I am such trash. Worthless. I watched some P again, and I watched for a little bit, but it wasn't doing it for me. But I did MB. I tried to stop myself from finishing, but I had gone too far and basically exploded. I instantly went to clean it up, and instantly felt remorseful. I just feel like such a ******* today. I am so sorry everyone for what I have done. You guys have put a lot of trust in me, and I have let all your trust down. Not only did I let my trust down, but I let my flesh get the best of me, letting myself down. I feel like I have basically let everything that matters to me down. Please, forgive me everyone. This is so sickening of me. I want to get better, honestly I do. But I keep making mistakes. I need you all to keep believing in me, please. I am not joking when I say I want to recover. I've betrayed you and myself when that's the last thing I wanted to do. I'm sorry.

Tyler

"The things I don't want to do I do, and the things I want to do, I do." Romans 7:15

[Disillusioned]

Tyler,
I have been reading your latest posts and am so impressed by your being called to take a higher road and be the best person you want to be. Please keep looking ahead at that person, as it is possible to see him in his words.

I am sorry for you that you relapsed when you so wanted to stop. Try to remember Jenn said it is a process, and one that takes time and continuing effort. Please don’t waste your energy beating yourself up. You owe no one here, even if we are spending time talking to you and caring about your outcome with your efforts. The person you owe is you, Ty.
You don’t have a grieving partner who is hurting terribly. Thank God, that you are trying to work on this and get rid of it before you involve someone else.

If you can, identify the things that lead up to this relapse. Was it a trigger, something or someone you saw that made you need this? Was it frustration with class and an assignment? Was it the remembering of a dream, even the one you wrote about? Was it the pretty, older classmate? Were you bored and putting off an assignment? Try to back up and see where it was coming from. Lonely? Identify the thing that helped get you that far and try to find something else that you can grab immediately as a substitute or distraction. Keep using that distraction if it works.

As far as the pretty girl and your erection, you hid it, no harm done that will be known by others. Try to focus on her eyes and face. Watch the expression in her eyes as she talks to you. Don’t drift down. That is noticeable and very uncomfortable for most women.
A woman wants to know she is interesting as a person to you. That you find what she thinks and feels about things important or enlightening. Give her your presence and do not steal from her to fantasize.

My h says when his thoughts go too far, he thinks of me bare. Now, I am 62 and haven’t looked 20 in many years, so this hurt at first, kind of like throwing cold water on himself.
You have to find your cold water. You can try saying the alphabet backwards. Takes some concentration. Try imagining an interstate, and recalling the exit signs and the towns that are along each exit. Get your mind somewhere other than on her body. Think of it as stealing something that is not yours, even if it is a look. You can’t go there.
One of the other PAs said stay away from her until you have this more under control. I haven’t personally experienced this, but I think he knows what he is saying.

My h and I returned from Hawaii recently. He worked and taught there for two weeks at the U. of Hawaii, and the room was paid for by his company. I didn’t want to go, as I feared catching his with that look as he saw the beautiful bodies in skimpy bathing suits.
What I did see this time, was something in his eyes that was for me, and that I haven’t seen in years. It was wonderful.

On the beach in my granny bathing suit, 3 young, pretty girls set up their towels next to us and began to take their shirts and shorts off to go into the water. I held my breath, my heart sank. Three pretty girls in fairly skimpy bathsuits and right next to us. I started talking to them about a bold pigeon that was almost climbing over us in its hunt for food from beach goers. They were not there to trigger my h or me, they were 3 kids, much like the ones I cared for in school when I worked. They were 3 kids out learning about the world, having an adventure and figuring out how they fit in, just like my kids at school. They pulled at my heart strings so quickly. We talked about a lot of things, like the fact they were too young for a car rental and could rent scooters. Just like the kids at school. I felt protective toward them, again, like I have always felt toward young people. They had no intention of triggering me or my h.

Their suits were fashionable and they were just having fun. If a man allows himself to think about things under the suits that are not for him to see, if he allows himself to fantasize about these young girls, he is wrong. My h saw the people in these girls, as people this time, not assorted body parts. He listened and realized they were kids, and they were the same age as some of the models in his men’s magazines, and on p, and at the strip clubs. Too young to rent a car, but old enough to strip?! I think it made a difference to him, and I believe him when he tells me he is choosing the higher road.

Ty, please don’t give up. You are worth the battle you are waging. I am sorry it is there to catch you and cause the problems in your young life that it has. Please stop looking at the women who art part of this lie. I cannot imagine the damage that has been done to their sense of selves after being a part of this horrible lie called P. They are hurting themselves, allowing others to use them. They are killing their spirits and higher persons just as this has done to you. Try again, Ty. If you slip, try again. Each time you do, you learn something that works or doesn’t work.

When you are better, share with the other young men who come into this place wounded and praying to find that higher road. You can let it out here, Ty, because the people here care. They are not going to call you names or lose interest in you. They want you to get better and be fully able to love a woman partner some day. You are worth the investment of all the time and caring we have given. Please believe that, Ty, and please continue to try to find your higher road.
disillusioned
Life is a gift, Tyler. Go out into nature and see how fleeting it is, how easily we can be gone. You do not want to be dead, as that is what happens when all you can do is P. You came here wanting your life back. You want life. SAy it over and over to yourself. Let it be your mantra. I want life, and I want to take the higher road.

[TYC113]

Tyler,
I have been reading your latest posts and am so impressed by your being called to take a higher road and be the best person you want to be. Please keep looking ahead at that person, as it is possible to see him in his words.

I am sorry for you that you relapsed when you so wanted to stop. Try to remember Jenn said it is a process, and one that takes time and continuing effort. Please don’t waste your energy beating yourself up. You owe no one here, even if we are spending time talking to you and caring about your outcome with your efforts. The person you owe is you, Ty.
You don’t have a grieving partner who is hurting terribly. Thank God, that you are trying to work on this and get rid of it before you involve someone else.

If you can, identify the things that lead up to this relapse. Was it a trigger, something or someone you saw that made you need this? Was it frustration with class and an assignment? Was it the remembering of a dream, even the one you wrote about? Was it the pretty, older classmate? Were you bored and putting off an assignment? Try to back up and see where it was coming from. Lonely? Identify the thing that helped get you that far and try to find something else that you can grab immediately as a substitute or distraction. Keep using that distraction if it works.

As far as the pretty girl and your erection, you hid it, no harm done that will be known by others. Try to focus on her eyes and face. Watch the expression in her eyes as she talks to you. Don’t drift down. That is noticeable and very uncomfortable for most women.
A woman wants to know she is interesting as a person to you. That you find what she thinks and feels about things important or enlightening. Give her your presence and do not steal from her to fantasize.

My h says when his thoughts go too far, he thinks of me bare. Now, I am 62 and haven’t looked 20 in many years, so this hurt at first, kind of like throwing cold water on himself.
You have to find your cold water. You can try saying the alphabet backwards. Takes some concentration. Try imagining an interstate, and recalling the exit signs and the towns that are along each exit. Get your mind somewhere other than on her body. Think of it as stealing something that is not yours, even if it is a look. You can’t go there.
One of the other PAs said stay away from her until you have this more under control. I haven’t personally experienced this, but I think he knows what he is saying.

My h and I returned from Hawaii recently. He worked and taught there for two weeks at the U. of Hawaii, and the room was paid for by his company. I didn’t want to go, as I feared catching his with that look as he saw the beautiful bodies in skimpy bathing suits.
What I did see this time, was something in his eyes that was for me, and that I haven’t seen in years. It was wonderful.

On the beach in my granny bathing suit, 3 young, pretty girls set up their towels next to us and began to take their shirts and shorts off to go into the water. I held my breath, my heart sank. Three pretty girls in fairly skimpy bathsuits and right next to us. I started talking to them about a bold pigeon that was almost climbing over us in its hunt for food from beach goers. They were not there to trigger my h or me, they were 3 kids, much like the ones I cared for in school when I worked. They were 3 kids out learning about the world, having an adventure and figuring out how they fit in, just like my kids at school. They pulled at my heart strings so quickly. We talked about a lot of things, like the fact they were too young for a car rental and could rent scooters. Just like the kids at school. I felt protective toward them, again, like I have always felt toward young people. They had no intention of triggering me or my h.

Their suits were fashionable and they were just having fun. If a man allows himself to think about things under the suits that are not for him to see, if he allows himself to fantasize about these young girls, he is wrong. My h saw the people in these girls, as people this time, not assorted body parts. He listened and realized they were kids, and they were the same age as some of the models in his men’s magazines, and on p, and at the strip clubs. Too young to rent a car, but old enough to strip?! I think it made a difference to him, and I believe him when he tells me he is choosing the higher road.

Ty, please don’t give up. You are worth the battle you are waging. I am sorry it is there to catch you and cause the problems in your young life that it has. Please stop looking at the women who art part of this lie. I cannot imagine the damage that has been done to their sense of selves after being a part of this horrible lie called P. They are hurting themselves, allowing others to use them. They are killing their spirits and higher persons just as this has done to you. Try again, Ty. If you slip, try again. Each time you do, you learn something that works or doesn’t work.

When you are better, share with the other young men who come into this place wounded and praying to find that higher road. You can let it out here, Ty, because the people here care. They are not going to call you names or lose interest in you. They want you to get better and be fully able to love a woman partner some day. You are worth the investment of all the time and caring we have given. Please believe that, Ty, and please continue to try to find your higher road.
disillusioned
Life is a gift, Tyler. Go out into nature and see how fleeting it is, how easily we can be gone. You do not want to be dead, as that is what happens when all you can do is P. You came here wanting your life back. You want life. SAy it over and over to yourself. Let it be your mantra. I want life, and I want to take the higher road.

Thank you, Disillusioned, and yes thank God that I don't have a girlfriend or wife that's involved with me. That would be rough on her, very. That Hawaii story with your husband was very awe-inspiring. I am glad that he overcame himself while there. That is great. I will use your advice and his story to help me out with the girl at school. I just have to stop looking at her that way and if I start to, imagine something that is not sexually oriented at all. I think that is awesome. Thanks. You always are helping me. I always look for your help. And I must remember what P has done to me, which was make me feel dead, cruel, and callous. That was what I used to be when I was a P junkie. I should remember how I used to MB four times a day as an adolescent, and did not care. I can't go back to that point in my life. I was enslaved by P.

And I tried to stop, but not before I started MB. And it wasn't because I was incredibly turned on, and just couldn't hold it like I used to. I was just so bored and alone that I decided to MB. It was what I used to do whenever I was bored and that was the first thing that came to mind. I have no friends, and there wasn't anything that I had to do, so that came to mind, I guess. I watched, but I wasn't aroused, so I turned it off. But my mind completely drifted into MB and decided to do it. I tried to stop myself, but I was unsuccessful. I had already been too far in, and was ready to explode. I felt so sad afterwards. I fell again. I guess I was just so bored and alone. But I think that I now know what I can do to better solve it. I am going to make sure that I can't get to my P blockers and disable them. I hope that this works now. I would really like it.

I came to find my life again. And I came to break free from P addiction. There has got to be more to life than chasing that ever-so temporary high. I am tired of being addicted to P.

TyC

[Disillusioned]

Hi TyC,
What a powerful and positive post, Ty. You are developing insight by leaps and bounds and I am proud of you. I understand about being bored, and feeling restless cause there are things you have to do, need to do, and are having a hard time making yourself do.
Cross two or three off the list, and give yourself a break. A video game, search for a poem, read some easy reading, take a walk, call a friend, post here. Something you see as a reward. For a long time, I would eat something cause I was just so tired. In early years that gave me a high to get up and go. Well, too much of that and the get up and go has got up and went!

There is a website I use for inspiration sometimes. Today it was talking about making progress on our life. I wish we could cut p out of our lives with one snip, but it doesn't work that way, it would seem. The SOs have to wait while their PAs clear out their heads.
As they make progress, sometimes they slide back, sometimes they are caught doing something too close to p to be healthy for them, as in looking at bathsuit ads or even nudes in art collections. Then, when this is pointed out and an SOs patience is wearing thing and her patience is worn down, she confronts and confronts hard. Sometimes our PA husbands handle it and say, " I see what you mean. You're right." He knew that all along. Sometimes, he gets angry and defensive and there are harsh words and the distance between them grows. It is a vicious cycle. They want to get off our radar, and we want them to get and stay sober. Round and round we go. It's depressing and exhausting for both. Thing is, we are fighting the same thing. P.
Here is what my inspirational site has to say about progress.
Staying the Course by BJ Gallagher
The best way out is always through.
Our journey of life is about progress,
Not about perfection.
It's not about doing 1 thing 100% better.
It's about doing 100 things 1% better each day.
Progress is evolutionary;
Not revolutionary
And most days we measure our progress in inches, not miles.
What matters most is showing up for your life whether you
feel like it or not.
Ask yourself what 2 or 3 little things can I do today that will
move me forward?
By taking it in increments,
The little things add up.
The inches turn into miles
Like so many pearls….
Before long look what you have…a whole strand!
Ah….beautiful.

Start with changing your computer so you can’t defeat the lock out to p. You will feel urges. My h says if you can distract yourself for 20 minutes, the urge usually passes. He read that somewhere and shared it with me. Then work on that little treat thing to do when you get bored or lonely or are facing a project that you just don’t want to start.

You are here, you are on your way. You have your footing back. You have seen where it was easy to slip. You’ve learned and you have made progress. Give yourself a hug, and go block that computer, so that it can’t be defeated by you when that urge comes. Give yourself that precious 20min. to find something else to do that allows the urge to pass by.
Keep a jump rope handy and jump. I mean it. Sounds goofy, but it will help you get more alert, energized, oxygen will get to your brain, you’ll deep breath, and it’s cheap and easily available.

You hang in there, hear? Everyone at TTF wants to help, cares, and really wants you to find your way. Yes, many of us say prayers.
Disillusioned..