In Another Country

[Yogadad]

Hello,

I've named my Journal after the famous Hemingway story, not because I'm actually in another country, but the fact is that I have been MB and using P pretty much from the moment I hit puberty, which is about 20 years ago. Until my recent decision that I actually am a PA and need to quit using, I don't think that I've been more than a few days without using, so I'm a bit proud of my progress in the last few weeks, but I've relapsed (been on a "bender" for 2 days). So... in some days I truly feel "out of my element" and therefore in another country where many things are unfamiliar. And like being in a new country, there are bound to be some mis-steps.

I'll post my journal up to this point below, which I've been writing on a blogger journal. Right now, though I just am recovering from a relapse, which is why I'm here. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I'm not beating myself up over this bender, however, as I also quit smoking recently (which is something that I've done many times over the past years), and I know that relapse is part of my process. I find solace in the struggle.

Anyway, thanks for posting your struggles, it has given me new insight into this problem....

[StarPuppy]

Welcome to TTF. I know at times you feel alone in the fight but we are all here with you in this fight. However you must understand

Why do you want to quit?
Why did you decide to make the change

Anyway welcome aboard!

[Yogadad]

(from my previous journal)

Day 2

Let me begin by introducing myself. I'm a 34 year old man, pretty successful in life, but not yet achieving what I believe is my full potential. You see.. I'm an addict. Now I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm addicted to heroin or coke or anything crazy like that, but I have a few other problems. I did have a drug problem that got me kicked out of college, but that has been over for many years now, and I'm now addicted to other things. I've given up cigarettes about two weeks ago, and now I'm trying to give up online P

Quitting smoking wasn't easy at all, and I've quit in the past - this time I'm going to make it stick. But I'm smoke free for two weeks, and now the hard one comes - online P.

Now, I don't know why I want to start this blog and publicly talk about this, but I've tried things in the past and now I want to make some of this struggle public. Of course, I'm not going to use my own name, but my alter ego.... I just don't want any of this held against me in my "real life."

So... not only am I giving up online P (or "re-booting" as it seems to be called online), but I'm also trying to change some other habits as well.

I really like to write, so when I get up one of the things I'm doing is writing some writing prompts or now I'll post on the blog. Anyway, feel free to follow me on my journey. I'm not saying that I'll post every day or anything, but maybe someone out there will read this and it will help, such as many online posts helped me even get this far....

I came across a great website which convinced me to try this "re-boot" process for 30 days, and yesterday was the first one. I haven't looked at P, and I installed an Open DNS web-blocker on my computer. That was step one.... I have a few computers and and Iphone and Ipad, but most of that stuff is for work, and I never looked at P on them, as I don't want to lose my job over some nudy photos. But I'm going to have to find a way to block the porn on my Iphone, as I've used that before to access those websites.

Anyway, my 10 min writing period is almost up - and I've now done my morning exercises for two days, as well as my afternoon exercises as well - I'll be honest and keep you updated!



Day 5

This weekend was difficult to post while I spent time with my family... so, let me share my progress.

I'm still on the path of not watching porn in any way, and no MO, and I'm finding some interesting things. First, I'm becoming more attracted to random people I see on the street (or in my life). I find myself "looking" in some ways for porn in real life! But I haven't succumb...

For what it is worth, I have no intention of giving up sex or even M for a long period of time, but I need to "break the cycle" of PMO. So... I did have sex this weekend and it was very, very good. I have few complaints with my sex life, except that I don't get enough of it, but I think that every male on the planet probably has that problem.

Anyway, another interesting thing that happened was that yesterday I got a terrible migraine headache. Now, I don't know what is up with that or if it has anything to do with my quitting porn, although it might have to do with my quitting smoking. I know it sounds strange, but I seem to get migraine headaches when I'm not smoking, although I've gotten them while smoking as well. I don't get them often, and this was a very strange one, but, just thought that I report it, as there might be some sort of causal link.

So, 5 days and I've been on schedule. I've been keeping up with my morning exercises, which I'll describe later on in another post, went running Saturday morning for about 3.5 miles, and with the exception of my migraine, I feel pretty good...

One more thing I'd like to share. I put Open DNS on my "porn" computer and it seems to work pretty good. I mean, it wouldn't be hard to get around it I think, but for right now, it is working. I guess I should hide the password. I was tempted the other day when no one was home, but I've tried hard to recognize my cues and not put myself in that situation. But it has been hard, I mean arousal is everywhere, from ads on TV, to JLo on TV (!), to girls in bikinis at the pool.... Even at Church yesterday, there was a knockout behind me in the pew. I think that God was telling me that this wasn't going to be easy, but keep the strength.

Day 7

I have now gone 7 days without masturbation or looking at internet P. I cannot really believe it, and quite frankly am very proud of myself. I don't think that since I went through puberty I've gone so long without M. I did have sex, though, but... I don't really see that as a problem. Anyway, pretty happy!

Relapse

Well, after 10 days without MB or P, I relapsed yesterday evening, and then again in the morning. A very stressful event happened with one of the children that evening, and I was pretty scared. To be a bit specific, my very young son almost choked to death... I got it out using the modified himelic maneuver, but let me tell you, it shook me. I was spooked. I tried to read before bed, but I couldn't get into it, turned on the TV, but couldn't find anything calming, so I went to bed. And I woke up around 11PM, and went right for the computer. Didn't even really think about it. Wife is away on business, I disabled the Open DNS that I have as a blocker, by "forgetting the password" and then I was away for almost two hours. Then the next morning I was up early, and at it again. What really bothers me is that I had great sex that morning with my wife before she left on business.

I was pretty bummed yesterday, but after reading some of the forums, I'm determined that perhaps it was a good thing or at least a learning experience. I'm trying to figure out my triggers, and I guess that stress is a major one. Plus add the point that I was alone... and there you go. What is even more amazing is that you would think that I would have gone for a smoke, I just quit smoking a few months ago, but I guess since I didn't have any smokes, I didn't go for it.... these addictions are amazing on how much they get hardwired into you and almost like a knee-jerk response. So... I have to identify stress better and find a better outlet to let it go... Back to the grind....

[Yogadad]

Star Puppy,

Thanks for the welcome and the reply.

That is a really great question - why do I want to quit. I guess my initial reaction is that I've had enough. More than anything in the world I want to be a good father to my two children, and I don't think that a PA is a good father. I think that the moment that I thought - ENOUGH was when I snuck into the basement to MB when my two children were alone and MB - in the middle of the day. I was so disgusted with myself, and I guess it got me to quit for 10 days. But I guess the disgust wore off and that is why I relapsed.

Anyway, I'm in a bit of a different boat than many of the men on this board. I've never really seen a problem with P, but I've been scared of the slow escalation of the type of content I've been viewing and the frequency which I've been watching P. I understand, through the great website, your brain on P that my brain is just looking for the next "hit" of dopamine, but it still annoys me that I can't handle it. The other thing is that my wife doesn't seem to care about my use - I've been "caught" before, and she doesn't really seem to mind - at least outwardly. We have an OK s=x life, she is incredibly gorgeous, (at times I feel a bit like Hugh Grant on Jay Leno when I look at other woman), and she is an amazing woman. But I've really found no real disapproval with the use of P during my life. I mean, when my mom found my *** under the bed when I was a kid, my dad asked where she put it! So... that is how my values have been shaped.

I guess the reality is that I want to be a good father and a bit more productive in my life and P simply gets in the way of that. A good father my have a few ***, but certainly doesn't look at the kind of stuff I was looking at. So, enough is enough.

[Charly22]

Hi Yogadad, glad you found your way here. I'm a SO of a recovering p addict, and was just reading your journal, and found this statement that you made interesting re: the struggle you have after relapse:

"I find solace in the struggle"

What do you mean by that......

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Yogadad

I would like to welcome you here to TTF.

Getting freedom from this addiction, is the best thing to do in our lives. you wanting to be the best dad possible for your kids, is a very big motivation for to want to give up. once we see just how bad we have gotten in this recovery, and the things we would allow for us to look at, we do hit the time, when we know it is ENOUGH.

This addiction, once it has a grip on us, never lets go. it just keeps trying to feed us more and more. the more it has a hold on us, the blinder we become to our surroundings. this disgust that you felt, never let it wear off of you. as long as we feel it is sick, or wrong to act out, we need to keep the thoughts of staying clean in our mind. all of the time.

You know, when you was talking about in what you done, and went down to the basement, to MB, and leaving your kids alone, brought back memories to me, in how bad I needed this addiction. I was watching my grand kids one day, and I gave them something to eat, and sat them in front of the TV. I had to get on the computer to do something, but I found myself, looking at a few sites instead of doing what I was on the computer to do. it makes me sick to know, that even with my grand kids in the other room, I allowed myself to go to these sights, so I can get a rush.

What kind of grand parent am I to them, If I am to do this while they are in my home.? I never done it since, but it was just a reminder to me, in how bad this addiction had its control over me.

I just want you to know that in no way are you alone here. we are here to help you, all that we can. somehow, we will get this addiction out of our lives once and for all. we will do it together, because, we are stronger in groups, to fight this beast off.

Stay strong, in your recovery. it is a wonderful feeling in not having this in our lives. after over 40 years with this addiction, i feel better that I ever have in my life, and that is because, I am only a few weeks away form being clean for 9 months.

I wish you the very best my friend. come here and share with us what you are going through in your recovery. not only will we be helping you, but you will be helping us with our recovery as well.

See you soon

Gerald

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hey Yogadad

I see have you have not been back on here since your last post about a month ago. I am just checking in to see how you are doing. I am hoping that you get email notifications still when someone replies to your journal.

I am not here to pressure you in anyway, but I am here to just remind you, that we are waiting for you to come back here, so we can help you the best that we can. I am very concerned about you, because of what you wrote in your journal when you was replying to what star puppy said to you.

This is what you wrote, and I quote:

"Anyway, I'm in a bit of a different boat than many of the men on this board. I've never really seen a problem with P, but I've been scared of the slow escalation of the type of content I've been viewing and the frequency which I've been watching P. I understand, through the great website, your brain on P that my brain is just looking for the next "hit" of dopamine, but it still annoys me that I can't handle it. "

If you never really seen a problem in P, but yet you are yourself concerned in where it may lead you, then you do have a problem. I am not going to put words in your mouth at all, but if you are talking about the escalation of the type of content that I think you are talking about, then please, get back here, and let us help you. I do know that as a addict, we all have boundaries that we swear to ourselves, we will never look at. the minute that we find ourselves stepping over those boundaries, well to be honest, it is time, and the time is now, that we get help, because we do have a serious problem.

I have never step over my boundaries, but I know that if I would have continue on the path of this addiction, it could have very well happened. after a while, what we have been looking at, is no longer a thrill, so we search out new things to get that rush. And I dont want to see this happen to you in any way.

So please, try to find your way back here to TTF. come here and take advantage of the love and support, you will receive from us addicts here, and please do it, before it is just way to late for you

I am wishing for the best.

Your fellow addict

Gerald