Three Hundred and Sixty-Five Days

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

This is Day 3 of 365.

My goal has always been a year. I believe that if I can hit that, I'll be able to look back and say, "Now I know I can do it. Now I know I don't have to succumb to temptation. Now I know that it doesn't ever have to happen again." In my heart, I won't be able to say that until I hit that mark.

Last year, I almost did it. I made it for over three months. But then I got lost in a false sense of security, and I crashed. I started thinking it was no big deal to enjoy suggestive images I found in front of my eyes while watching TV or walking through a mall. I thought, "There is no harm in this," and I consigned myself to failure the first time I thought that and didn't bother to correct myself.

There are milestones, and they're almost exactly the same every time. The first one is the first week. The next is right around three weeks. Then there's sort of another one right over a month. The next one really doesn't come for another couple of months. That's where the danger is, because during those two months, I forget what it's like to be weak. I've gained so much ground I figure I'm in the clear.

It sucks to be, basically, at square one again. I want to write, "I've been clean for over a year and I am and can always be free." I also want to be able to tell the other humble, praiseworthy people here what I did to get to that point. But not yet. I have to wait. I have to work.

[futurehope]

Hi AE...

Great work with the 3 months! I don't think you're really back at square one. I think by continually making this effort, and then by coming back to it when we slip up, we are making progress over time. And I'm sure every time we last a certain amount of time and then give in to temptation again, during that time we have learned something about ourselves. I also think that keeping porn use at that level....of once every few weeks, or months...or whatever, if that's the best we can do...is hugely better than just looking at it whenever we feel like it. Of course, I would also like to kick the habit completely ...in time.

I am finding it quite difficult sometimes...periods of anxiety, which I would have used porn to alleviate in the past. But they only last a certain period of time, and then pass. But, during that time there's always the little voice, like you said, saying "This won't pass until you succumb. It's only going to get worse. A little won't hurt...etc. etc." When the resistance is low, I can give in (very tired, had a really bad day etc.).

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

You're right, I think, in saying that we gain something each time we resist. But I don't accept that the best I can do is to only succumb once every few weeks or months. You're right--it's better than being a complete slave to it, but at the same time, that feels a lot like a very long leash to me. That's not freedom, it's slow paralysis. It's not OK that I've slipped up off and on for so long, but that doesn't mean that I'll give up if I fall again. I believe I can have both--not be crippled by regret, but unwilling to accept anything less than total freedom.

Thank you also for mentioning that voice. I hear it too, even before the temptation comes. It says, "You're going to mess up again...it's only a matter of time." It's a secretly malicious voice, and it's a lying voice. But if I believe those lies, then they become truth. That's the tricky part. So don't believe it, any of it. All of the thoughts, all of the voices that lead to despair are not honest voices. They should be shut out and ignored. Fought off and eventually killed. It's my life to live, and I always have a choice, as someone else mentioned in an earlier reply to one of my posts.

Good luck to both of us. No, that's not right. God bless both of us, and we'll keep each other above the water.

[slave]

Wow, that’s pretty good, for me my milestones are usually 3-5 days then like a full week to a week and a half, two if I’m lucky, then I fail. Of course that’s all about to change. I know exactly what you mean by the little voice, it is the devil lying to you and sending that crap into our heads, one of the things that always gets me is "you will have to let it out eventually anyways, might as well do it now.." or "this is going to bug you until you do it, so just go ahead and do it now" however those are all lies, our body is built to handle the semen created all on its own without having to have some "outlet" in any way, its just recycled internally. Hormones trigger in your brain saying a quantity is stored up, making it feel like we have to release it, but our body will take care of it on its own, and no not with nocturnal emissions.

[HalfPint]

You know, I'm not trying to burst anyones bubbles or dampen anyones spirits, and don't get me wrong, its quite possible to make it to a year, but looking that far ahead may be setting yourself up for trouble. One thing different with me this time is the scope of things. ALL the times before I would say "I'm just going to set my goal to make it a week" or "I just want to set a goal of 5 days" or something like that, and yes, I've set goals of a year before. Every time I've done that I just end up not making my goal . . . SO . . . this time, the difference . . . My goal is today. I get up and I say "today is a good day for success". I don't try to "make it a week" or "make it a year" because "that 7th day seems so far away" or "that 365th day seems so far away" and for me, it seemed that my strength and determinism just withered away with looking at that chunk of time, so I sized it down. I know that I have the strength to make it today, and I just rely on God, myself, and my friends to give me strength for the next day. As (I think my grandma I never knew) used to say "Let tomorrow take care of tomorrow". You know, I can make it through today, and then when I wake up tomorrow I'll say the same thing and its almost like I keep setting that new goal for myself and I keep wanting to make it, so it works out for me. I don't know, just an idea. Keep it up though, and stay strong. You CAN make it, just keep believing in yourself.

[FoolishMind]

I can see the two main angles that are being discussed here.

1) Take it day by day - i.e. set yourself realistic targets.
2) Make a target a big one, Really push yourself, and relish in the challenge of achieving it

When I started this journey, I adopted neither (1) or (2).

I simply stated a fact..."its over" "no more" "the end" It gave it a real sense of finalisation and closure to me.

I have mentioned before I gave it real thought, I really analysed why I did things, and I came to the conclusion, that I really wasnt quitting or giving up anything. The words 'quit' and 'give up' are negative. As if you are struggling to keep away from something. So my attitude was, P is over. The end, Now what am I going to gain. "bring it on" That has really helped me focus on the good, the positive effects, and not continuous dwelling on what im missing.

Dont get me wrong, I feel temptation, but my attitude is such that the positives are so obvious not to succumb to them.

Also, in my journal, I will acknowledge certain milestones. but there is no final goal, its infinite for me, because its over. so I am not chasing anything
I just feel great from day 1!

Please understand this is my opinion, and my intentions are solely to help and assist others with strategies that has worked for me.

My apologies for slightly hijacking your thread Anxiously Engaged, but I am hoping that you will take something from what I am saying. I will not be offended at all to remove it if you so wish.

Final comment - If the big goal works for you, I completely respect that, afterall we are all different. and in that case, I wish this year to be the best year you have ever experienced.

FM

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

FM, you're right absolutely in your approach. I have often felt that sense of finality only to fall again. What happens is that I start to feel secure. I let my guard down, so to speak. A month will go by, or maybe even more, and what got me that far was vigilance and focus, and taking great joy out of all of the good in life. But then I'll start to wallow in something not even related to P, and forget the struggle. I'll allow negative emotions to run their course, and then, when the temptation comes, I'm not man enough for it. I just cave right in. Of course, then I remember everything. And the despair at that point is murderously acute.

Hence, this forum. I need to keep my mind fresh on the defense and offense to overcome. I need to make this a daily, active battle. You're completely right, FM, that I should approach each new day as a goal unto itself, and that's why I'm here. I just need help remembering all the things I need to remember. I've learned that temptation and lust cloud my memory, my clarity on life. Even when I feel that I've gotten past them, it's like I've lost momentum in the fight and my memory still isn't as sharp when the urge passes. So my hope is that by making regular use of this place online, I'll be able to constantly refresh my motivation, resolve, and understanding of my situation.

And don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm not offended by your post. I value very much everything you have to say. I'm glad that your willing to remind me how I might unintentionally make my own recovery more difficult for myself.

God bless you, and everyone here.

Note: This is day 4. (From here on out, I'll leave out 'of 365')

[HalfPint]

hey fm, I actually like your way of putting it better. You know I really did just want it to be over and I just don't want to deal with it, but I guess some people need to have a goal or else they never feel like they can do it. I don't need a goal but for me, having a goal of taking it day by day really helps me out.

[seeker]

Hey gang, it is been a while for me. Hope all are well!

I've relapsed a couple times for sure and felt bad about each occurrence but overall I consider February 11, 2008 as a significant date for me where I made the personal commitment to better my life through the elimination of P and abusive MB from my world. I have made great progress in that quest and consider my life better for it though not without significant setbacks.

I respect your 365 day milestone but better to ask yourself whether anyone here who considers themselves truly rid of this problem has ever achieved such a milestone or whether they consider themselves successful taking it day by day as FM suggested.

Far be it for me to judge or criticize anyone- my life is loaded with deep issues of marital discord and infidelity that I anguish with on a daily basis but the progress that I've been through the thoughtful posts found here have given me the strength required to move forward and confront other challenges in my life.

An old saying applies here I believe- 'From strength to strength'

Good luck all you sacred souls!

[davids]

Hey AE, I think that tree months is a great accomplishment and it shows that you you have the will and desire to stop your addiction to p. So far I have only made one month and know how hard at times that was for me. I know when I gave in to my craving after that one month it was a real downer. I want to finally drive that last nail into the p coffin.

I started hearing that persistent voice quite strong after around one month, and the pull to relieve myself of the pent up anxiety became to much to bear, (or so the chemicals in my mind told me.)

Keep up that fighting attitude, I know how hard it is, but we can all support each:) other, thats why this site is so great!