Three Hundred and Sixty-Five Days

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Right now is when I start feeling more hopeful. I've made it two weeks, but more importantly, I feel a very similar level of commitment and awareness as I did when I first started at Day 1. That's always been one of the biggest struggles for me. I would feel comfortable, and I would forget about the horrors of my addiction. And I would think I was fine. Then I would stop doing the things that kept me strengthened against temptation--things like prayer and studying the Scriptures--and pretty soon I wouldn't have the same kind of will power. Of course, I wouldn't notice until an urge hit me really hard and my legs would just sort of give out under me, and I would get mowed over by my own lust.

It was a vicious cycle, but I can break it. Thanks in large part to this site, I can make sure I remember what I need to remember. I've never written out my problems with this so thoroughly before. I was always terrified that someone else would read it, and I would delete or destroy anything that I wrote. I've always believed in the therapy of honest writing, and now I finally have somewhere to do that. And I don't have to be afraid of what this community will think of me. We're in this together.

God bless everyone here, and thank you SO much for your support, and, more importantly, you're co-efforts against the same beast.

This is Day 15, and I've been clean for TWO WEEKS.

[HalfPint]

wow, thats sweet.

You know how you were talking to me about how I need to say "look at the amount of days that I've made it" and use that as a strength to keep going. You know what, its almost more encouraging to see other people like you succeeding this much. 2 weeks man, thats amazing, I'm really proud of you, thats an awesome accomplishment and it makes me feel good that I got to be here and watch you make such progress. Keep it up man, and stay strong.

[dave42]

Hi Anxiously Engaged:

I think I could have written this: " I would feel comfortable, and I would forget about the horrors of my addiction. And I would think I was fine." Beautifully said!

How many times have I felt that? I don't know the exact number, but I do know that it is exactly the same number of times I have had a relapse.

Who was it who said that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance? Well, someone famous, no doubt!Anyway, I doubt he was addicted to p! (I just looked it up, because it was crazy me nuts not knowing: might have been Wendell Phillips, Thomas Jefferson, or Patrick Henry. It's a bit unclear according to bartleby.com. Exact wording: " Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty")

Anyway, the price I need to pay for freedom from p is constant work, creative ways of dealing with it. Eternal vigilance, in our cases, means sticking to our plans, making new plans, and supporting one another. Anxiously Engaged, I like your closing thoughts: "I always believed in the therapy of honest writing, and now I finally have somewhere to do that. And I don't have to be afraid of what this community will think of me. We're in this together." Yes, we are! Good luck!


All the best,

Dave

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Thanks HP, D42. You guys are awesome. And I love it when people quote me in their responses. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy, like I've got freshly dried laundry in my lungs, except without all the horribly agony and suffocation that would probably cause. Seriously, thanks for the support.

Maybe this is just positive thinking (which would be...positive, right?), but right now, I'm telling myself, "It's easy to stay strong and keep away from P when things are going so well, when my life is so good." Like Job. The devil says to God, rather flippantly, "Well, of COURSE he's faithful and obedient--he's got it easy!"

I've just got to remember what happens after that. God says, "You think he's only faithful because he's living the good life? Try him. Hurt him. He'll stay strong." Well, I don't look forward to the inevitably trials, but I do enjoy the thought of staying strong through whatever happens.

For now, though, there's no harm in being grateful for how very well life is treating me right now. I've got awesome friends, great family (who have allowed me to stay at their house while I'm between apartments and far away from home), a fantastic major, a great job that pays better than I deserve...last night I had a great first date with a really superb girl--one of the ones you look at and feel like you'd be lucky to get just one chance to go out with her. And she wants to go out again. And then, today, I FINALLY finished all of my work for last semester. School is done for the summer. I also got my car fixed and inspected today (it's that time of year), and it cost me--are you sitting down?--75 bucks. I had steeled myself for more like two hundred. Finally, to top it all off, I got to spend time with some of my great, wonderful friends tonight right after I finished up the work I had to do. That's called guiltless hangout time, and it's good as gold, I tell you.

My life is great. I echo what others have said there, that I've got so much going for me. The really spectacular thing about all of it is that it really is like P is not a part of my life. It's a terribly thing that has been plaguing me for years and years, but right now, as I'm living my life and things are going so well, and I'm striving to consciously keep that trash out of my life, right now it's not a part of me. I'm a recovering PA, sure, but I'm not a PA, if that makes any sense. I no longer walk around feeling that P secretly defines who I am, continuously acting as my personal proof that I'm a terrible person.

I'm 2 weeks, 6 days clean. 20 days. One score. Every day is better than the last.

[FoolishMind]

ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC! I have just woken up, and looked out the window, and saw it was a lovely sunny day, The house was so peaceful, because my daughter was still asleep! wohoo, and had a lovely cup of morning coffee, and to top it off, just read your wonderful post! What a fantastic start to the day. I love the fact that 2 weeks 6 days ago, you sounded defeated, and drole. Within this short space of time, you have completely turned things around, and the obvious reality is how wonderful a P free life is, is basically smacking you in the face!

Well Done AE. Be the star that you truly are!

FM

[castaway16]

WoW ! .. this IS Marvelous ! ..

first of all, I'm really happy for you AE .. those first days are the hardest ! good for you man !

second, I haven't done anything special. Neither did I go out with my friends, nor did I drink coffee peacfully while watching sun-rise.. however, I have read those 4 incredible posts,

Yours, HP's, Dave42's and FM's ...

And they did more than a great job to make me happy while encouraging me at the same time ..

I think you all deserve a big : THANK YOU ! :)

[slave]

AE, your making me jealous :D that is so awesome, and a real encouragement for what is coming as soon as I win this fight. This makes me want to quit all the more and I’m really looking forward to being free of this chokehold… I'm really happy for you! I want to read more posts like this! Soon I will be sharing my news similar to yours :)

[Cobalt]

Every day is better than the last.

I know it is for me, and you gave me great advice the first time i came here. I really appreciate it. Thanks.

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Thanks again to everyone who posts replies to my journal entries. And particularly to Cobalt--it's good to know my post helped you out. I love to see how much you've gone out and helped others with encouraging words here and there as well. That kind of thing just broadens and deepens the support available through these forums.

It's also really good to remember how uplifting it is to read posts about success because it keeps me coming back even when I'm feeling fine. Like today, I thought several times, "I don't need to post today." But then I decided that I'd better stay diligent through the easier times so that when it gets tougher, I'll already be in the habit, and this site will save me from stumbling. Gotta not forget how weak I can be--how weak I likely still am in the face of real temptation.

So, yeah, it's THREE WHOLE WEEKS clean today. The last day I looked at P was April 6th. It's a good feeling--I'm on a role.

I'm also really tired and battling the beginning of what could turn into a nasty cold. :P
Time to turn in.

AE

[Cobalt]

With any luck you'll be done with the cold in no time at all. Being sick is such a miserable feeling.