Three Hundred and Sixty-Five Days

[Daniel]

Dude,

Still thinking about you and hope you're well.

Daniel

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Hello again.

It's been a very, very long time since I've been here. The ratio of time I spent here vs. the time I spent away is pretty staggering. I'm not sure how helpful it would be to spend a great deal of time recapping the past three and a half years, but suffice it to say that a lot has happened, but I am still addicted to pornography, and I am still fighting to break it.

In all of my efforts to overcome my addiction, I was willing to do anything and everything except for the one thing that could have helped me much further along the path much earlier. Last September, I moved to Boston. I was naively determined to end my addiction with the move. I thought to myself, "It's a new start." I was back in the same place I served my mission for my church over six years before. There would, I reasoned, be no better time to affect this change in my life.

And then I relapsed, and badly. In the broad light of that humbling experience, I became fully aware of my situation. I would never get over this thing on my own. I would never get beyond the pattern of acting out once or twice a month, always barely keeping my head above water, in constant fear of drowning in despair. That isn't to say that my life has been terrible. I have done and experienced wonderful things. But this addiction is a constant, dogged weight around my neck. It weighs down all of my thoughts and feelings and actions. As long as I labor under the onus of its effects, I will be permanently stunted in the most important ways: my intimate relationships with other people and with God.

At that moment, I finally humbled myself to take the one step I always convinced myself, for one reason or another, not to take. I went to a 12-step program. I joined an addiction recovery community. In person, face-to-face.

Here's the truth: There is no way to do this alone. These forums are incredibly helpful. I should not have left. It was a mistake I regret, and I wish that I had hung on. Perhaps I would have reached this state of total humility earlier. Perhaps I would have found the courage to do what I had needed to do all along. Or perhaps I would have continued to convince myself that this was enough. That this online community could suffice, thereby avoiding indefinitely the necessity of further action and intervention. I suppose I'll never know.

But this I do know: We all need someone else to help us out of this. We cannot do it alone. For some people here, TTF might sufficiently fill that need, but I can assure you that there are many for whom it will not be enough. If you are like me, and you find yourself creating effective excuses to avoid any kind of 12-step program, or addiction recovery group (the flesh and blood kind), please reconsider. I understand that in order to gain the strength necessary to fight this addiction with progress, we need to be willing to do anything. It has to become the most important thing to us, above all else. Or else we will continue to remain stuck in the addictive cycle.

I also very recently gained a close friend, from within the addiction recovery group, who is willing to keep in touch every day, via phonecall, email, or face-to-face meeting. We go to the same church, so we see a lot of each other. I can't describe what a blessing this has been to me. For the first time in over 12 years, I feel that I am making real and deep changes in my heart and mind. It will be a difficult road, but I am willing, finally, to do whatever it takes to continue to stay on it.

If you are reading this, thank you for being here. Thank you for being one of the pioneers in fighting this epidemic. Don't ever lose hope, but commit to doing everything within your power to overcome the addiction, and to help others find their road as well.

God bless, and it's good to be back.

AE

[castaway16]

AE ! Welcome back ! I'm really glad you've decided to return to TTF once again. May this be the start of a forever-clean life. I'm challenging you, eh ? ;)

[Daniel]

Anxious,

It is really really good to see you again. Vorlan has shared that you had 'been around' without necessarily announcing a return.

Suffice to say you've been on my mind since late '08 and it is a real testimony to your determination to WIN and stay victorious that you're back.

I utterly and completely agree that without real-life support in this war your chances of getting it behind you are driven to the farthest extremes of low probability of occurrence. I share the view with you and many others here that your ability to find a confidante is proportional to your willingness to give the battle your all.

AE, welcome back!

Please share with us what is working for you at the moment such that others who may be "battling alone" can have a glimpse of this important realm of recovery.

Your Friend,

Daniel

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

I don't have a whole lot of time to write today, but I wanted to share a kind of status update.

First of all, I can report just over two weeks of sobriety since my last relapse. Since I've started attending these addiction recovery meetings, I have had periods of sobriety lasting well over a month, almost two before my last relapse.

Having someone to talk to several times every week one-on-one, over the phone or in person, who is struggling in a similar way, is making all the difference. I cannot recommend this avenue of support highly enough.

I have also found that keeping a personal journal, wherein I can be totally honest, and write absolutely anything and everything that I feel is important every day, has become absolutely essential in my recovery. It helps me stay accountable and honest with myself on a daily basis, and I know I would not have made the progress I have if I had not started that.

I've also learned that I cannot expect too much of myself. I have to be careful not to set the bar so high that I cannot reach it, and end up berating and hating myself. I have been working on consistently, each day, setting goals I know I can achieve--focusing on the one or two most important things in a given day, and then allowing myself to feel good about accomplishing them.

Counting days is useful only insofar as it is a measurement of progress. For instance, I know I'm doing better know than I was three weeks ago. And I know that I'm not doing as well as I was two and a half months ago, in some respects. But little by little, I am fitting new and essential pieces of the puzzle together, and each time I do so, I emerge stronger than I was before.

OK, I know these thoughts are a bit scattered, but that's all the time I have. Can't go back and make it more intelligible. I hope you'll forgive me :)

Here's to hope and happiness.

AE

[Vorlan]

Welcome back AE!

It's really great to see you back on the site! It's been AGES! :)

It sounds like you are beginning to make some really great steps in your personal recovery which is great. It's good to see that you are also making use of a face-to-face group as well. I hope that you continue to find it helpful.

Well I don't have anything particularly insightful or intelligent to add really except to say once again how great it is to see you back on TTF mate! What with Dominus popping in and FM posting regularly in his journal it's almost like '08 again! :P

Best wishes,

Ben

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

I would like to report a simple personal victory. Yesterday, I set two goals for myself:

1. Limit my time on the Internet (Google Reader, politics, etc) to 30 minutes
2. Get to bed by 10pm.

I achieved both goals. I got plenty of other things done, but not everything I wanted to get done. BUT that didn't matter, because I achieved my goals. I felt successful.

And now I start off today with better confidence. I've already used my time pretty well so far, and I have nothing but optimism for the rest of the day.

Once more, I would like to personally attest to the effectiveness of setting small, achievable goals, and then riding on that success. Today, my goal is a bit more ambitious, but it's still focused. I have a set of tasks I actually have to get done today--nothing beyond the absolute essentials, and I've made the goal of getting it all done by 10pm tonight, so that I can be in bed by 11. It will be a lot of work, but that's OK, because it's all laid out. There isn't this general sense of being overwhelmed by my responsibilities. And I know I'm capable of getting it all done.

So. I'll try to make it back here tomorrow morning to report on how I did. Wish me luck.

AE

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

The last time I acted out (I don't want to call it a relapse, because that would imply that I was progressing strongly toward recovery, and I was not, at the time) was Saturday, January 21st.

It has been 22 days, and I am doing very well.

The other day, I had a powerfully significant experience that, from the outside, would seem to be very minor. I saw a link that I was pretty sure would lead to something very mildly tantalizing, and I wanted to click on it, "just to see." It was a curiosity. You know the kind I mean. Seems innocent at the time, but really it is a symptom of the addictive process fighting for control over the brain. Giving in to that tiny curiosity is giving over some control to the addiction.

I am fairly sure that clicking on that link would not have led to a full relapse. It may have led to nothing at all. But there was a thought, deep down, that came bubbling to the surface just in time: If I don't choose to turn away from this now, when will I? Because eventually, that kind of impulse will lead to a relapse. It always, always, always does at one point or another. It wouldn't have mattered if this time didn't lead to something horrible, because I would be setting myself up to do it again later, and again, until one day I would inevitably crash.

So I didn't click on that link. The amazing thing was how INCREDIBLY difficult it was not to click on it. That tiny itch of curiosity turned into a tidal wave of obsession. I had to click on it, I had to just see. It was astonishing. When I finally got away from the temptation, I was almost out of breath. I felt like I had just completed a tough climb. And then the spell was broken. I went back to normality.

It's the little things. A few weeks of sobriety, and I'm beginning to notice tiny manifestations of my addiction that need seeing to. Little by little, I'm gaining the strength to face each one in turn, and conquer.

AE

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Figured I should check in.

I'm in the middle of a 12 Step program of recovery, and currently working on Step 4, which is about making a thorough moral inventory of your life. It's a difficult and time-consuming process, one that may take months or even years to complete. But insofar as I have invested time into it, I have seen important progress. It's been a powerful process of self-discovery so far, and I have a ways to go.

Anyway, I'm at a part right now where I'm reviewing my past relationships with past girlfriends. I wrote a post a day or so after I officially started dating my first girlfriend. You can go read it, if you'd like (August 23, 2008). What a painful time.

Revisiting those events and circumstances is always a bit tender. Those self-inflicted wounds have not healed, and I suspect they won't, at least not completely, until I'm much further along in my recovery.

I return again, now, years later, to the idea of marriage. Not that I've ever forgotten about it, but I realize once again that this is not something I can let follow me into a marriage. I have to have gained the upper hand. I have to have gotten firmly onto the road to complete recovery before I can consider marriage.

I've had the opportunity to go on a few dates recently with women who are in every way remarkable. I have been fortunate throughout my dating life to be introduced to towering characters, women of strength and beauty and magnificence. I know that often my inability to "fall in love" with any of them was due at least in part to my addiction. I can look back and be grateful for what the women in my life have taught me, and for the experiences I have had with them, but I know that I will be forever barred from the kind of relationship I have always wanted unless I set my own house in order.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little rambling. It's my birthday. I'm 27. I always get extremely introspective this time of the year. Birthdays, to me, are much more significant than New Year's Day. It's like a personal new year. It seems to mean more.

Thank you, everyone here, for the efforts you make. Thank you for recognizing how terrible is this addiction, and how worthwhile is the fight against it. Thank you for supporting me, and thank you for supporting each other. Thank you for needing support, for recognizing that you need help and seeking it out. The process of reaching out, of seeking help and helping others, infuses us with power we cannot now imagine. It is power that carves out a path to freedom where none existed before.

There is light down the road. Let us all keep moving toward it.

AE

[fightingdefeat]

Happy Birthday AE!

Congrats on the start of a new year... and yes, I know the feeling of getting introspective. It's healthy, but can be painful for sure.

Just know that you have been a great support to me and I thank you for the words and encouragement you are giving out to many here on the forum. Keep up the good fight and let this year be one of the best yet. :)

Stay strong!