moxex Journal

[moxex]

Okay this is my first journal post :)

The past few weeks ive been trying to stop looking at P.. but I go a few days then break down and binge on extreme stuff.. I think the escalating nature of the stuff ive been viewing has finally made me realise how unhealthy this is.

This morning I broke down and looked at some P and came very close to MB.. but I managed to stop myself and decided I needed to just get out of the house, which helped immensely.. I struggle when im at home for long periods of time with nothing to do.

I made an appointment to see a sex therapist about porn addiction today.. im seeing him this afternoon. Hopefully it will be enlightening. The woman on the phone was very nice, she actually asked me a lot of questions about my P problem and it was comforting talking to a real person, and a woman I didnt know and telling her about my problem..

As of today I am going on a break from P.. and I will not MB for a week - then re-access where im at. I will also see what the therapist advises. I believe its healthy for a man to ejac. once every few weeks to keep fluids moving so I dont plan on going months without MB I just want to cut out the P and develop a more embodied, healthy sexuality with myself until I find a girlfriend. I want to develop a healthy attitude towards woman and myself before I get into a new relationship.

[moxex]

Im making good progress! Its only been a day since I finally decided to let go of this addiction..

Yesterday I saw a sex addiction therapist.. it was a good decision. He was a younger guy, maybe in his mid 30's and we talked about my porn problem, I told him my whole sexual history/porn history and how it had escalated over the years and how I was getting into more and more taboo material. He was very supportive and understanding. He gave me a book called Out of the Shadows by patrick cairnes.. he wants me to read it, he told me I should check out some SAA meetings.. and he wants to meet once a week.. in addition he gave me a phone number of his to call and leave a message 3 times a week detailing how my progress is coming a long. It felt good to tell someone in person about everything I have been viewing/doing for a while now and not to be judged for it made me feel good. He also suggested I install a filter on my computer and delete any porn on my computer. I deleted everything, and im completely wiping my hard drive. I deleted some pictures/videos of an ex that I had been keeping a long time - I felt like those videos often reeled me back into sexual excitement and then onto porn so they have to go. Ive also setup an adult content filter on my computers.. of-course I still have the master password but at least it adds an initial barrier..

More importantly I feel like somethings shifting inside me where I really understand how harmful porn is.. I think for a long time myself and other people were telling me that it was ok, normal to look at porn because I was just exploring my sexuality etc.. but now I see it as a dangerous, harmful drug. In the past I was addicted to pot, but after many years I fully realized deep within my self how harmful it was and thats when I quit and I no longer have any desire to smoke.. I think the same process will happen with porn. That is my intention.

I started reading some of the Out of the Shadows book and a lot of it makes sense and is really interesting.. but the part about it that turns me off is the sort of 12 step stuff and admitting core beliefs I hold about myself, some of them probably are real but one of them is, 'I feel im a bad person' which I really dont believe.. I think im a great person, ofcourse I have some deep issues like most people but I dont raelly believe thats one of them.. so it puts me off a bit having a book trying to tell me how I feel about myself.. I dont think you can lump everyone who has a porn/sex addiction into one box like that..

[moxex]

So ive disabled my lap top at home for a few days.. so I dont even have internet access besides my cell phone. Its actually kind of refreshing.. I work on a computer at the office during the day.. and normally I would come home and spend the rest of the night on the computer too.. but ive fealt for a long time it wasnt healthy to be sucked into the computer ALL day long.. im actually thinking about selling my home computer and just not using a computer at home! I can check email and other basic things on my phone.. most of the time I dont do anything productive at home on the computer anyway.. and I only look at P at home so.. well see!

Im on a mac and im using the parental control features provided on my office computer.. it blocks P sites but it also blocks any https: url and seems to block messengers so its becoming frustrating having to go in and unblock urls every time I log into a site.. and the fact that messengers aren't working is a problem I might have to take the parental controls off my office computer.. hmm

So far im on my 3rd day without P.. going well so far.. not having computer access at home is helping a lot.. this is the real test, because a few days after MB with P my hormones start kicking in more and ill have more urges.. but im going to stay strong.. im wondering if I should MB at all without P? My fear is that if I do that, once I get excited its so easy to look at one pic then another then another etc..

[FoolishMind]

Hello Moxex, Im really impressed in the efforts your going through to get the ball rolling on your journey. I think your doing everything spot on. No half measures here!
and its great into your first few days, and you can see the difference, not wasting your evenings on the computer for idle rubbish.

Have you noticed how much more time you have now?

Re: your question about MB, there are many mixed views on that, so Im not going to answer that, as there is a lot of info around the forum on that topic, but I really commend you for starting right and knowing the risks or skating around the edges so to speak.

Stay focussed Moxex, and you will counter this addiction in no time!

FM

[IN NEED OF HELP]

moxex

I must say, that I am very impressed in how you are doing in your recovery. you are trying to do all that you can, to rid yourself from this crap. 3 days from this, is a damn good start for you. You will see, that in time, you will feel like a new person because this crap is not part of your life anymore.

Keep up the good work my friend. no matter how hard it may get at times, fighting this addiction out of your life, is well worth anything, you need to do, to free yourself from it.

If I may say this. Please do check out the SAA meetings. you wont be sorry for doing so. they will help you so much more than you know. I just want to say though, that if you go, and you don't feel right about them, don't stop going. but what you need to do, is to keep going, until you find one, that you feel comfortable in going to. I lucked out in mine. from the very moment I walked in the door, I knew I had found my meeting place. everyone that attend this group, are wonderful, loving, and caring.

I can not see myself, in not going to meetings. just being there, face to face, with other addicts, helps you in your recovery

Good luck to you in your recovery. you can and will do this. And we will try our best, to help you

Gerald

[moxex]

Thanks for the kind words guys :)

So tomorrow will be 2 weeks without P or M! Havent done this in a long time? I think the last time this happened was when I was on a vacation with a bunch of guys for 2 weeks and literally didnt have time/privacy for P or M..

It has been easier then I thought.. I tihnk because my perception of P has changed.. where as I no longer view it as a healthy thing to do..

Ive also tried to abstain from lusting/fantasizing about women during the day/all day etc..

So far so good.. although approaching the 2 week mark I feel my libido starting to pick up and the fantasiizng ramping up a bit.. this morning ive felt some urges.. not necessarily to look at P but to get some kind of release.. I almost masturbated a minute ago but ive realized that.. I dont know if its possible to M without any kind of fantasy or P.. I was going to M and just use my mind to fantasize but ultimately thats encouraging the same behavior as P and I would bet before long I would be back into it..

Ultimately I want to just have a real relationship with a girl.. for years I was having S regularly with my girlfriend but ive been single for a year.. so going 2 weeks without any release is hard.. I think it would be easier to go without P if I had a real girl to be with.. Then again.. even with a real girl its east to fall into the same habit of constant lusting etc.. needing a fix just to feel good which leads into a cycle of ups/downs.. but I suppose its more natural if its real.. im still trying to restructure and figure out what healthy S is anyway.. I mean.. is lusting instinctual behavior? How much of what we think is normal S is drilled into us from movies/society? Were caveman fantasizing all day about cave women? I really dont know? Maybe they were.. maybe they werent?

This whole topic is pretty interesting to me.. I know for a long time my self worth was tied in with my libido.. if I wasnt fantasizing about women regularly I thought there was something wrong with me.. I think years of P and societal pressures made me believe that being horny all day everyday was normal and anything less then that meant something was wrong. Im slowly changing that perception.. even going the other way, thinking that lusting all day is actually abnormal and caused by overstimulation by society/media.

Im also not sure what I believe about the health effects of abstaining from MB.. ive heard smart people argue both sides.. that its important to flush out the prostate every now and then.. and others that its not necessary etc. I even read a book about a man who didnt ejac. for 50 years or something crazy like that, he had lots of S but never E'd and learned to control his body.. and hes old/healthy now so? I think im in the middle somewhere, its certainly not neccesary to E multiple times a week to be healthy, but maybe once every two weeks would be wise..

Then the problem comes though, if your a single guy and every few weeks want to release - how do you do it in a way that doesnt cause a relapse? I dont know if I could even E without some type of fantasy or image. I remember when I first started MBing.. (without P) I think I was still fantasizing.. ok maybe not the very first time I MB'd but soon after I started fantasizing..

Ive read some books by this guy Barry Long.. an australian spiritual teacher.. he talks of the problems of porn and fantasy and how they distort the mind etc.. its relaly good stuff.. he advocates giving up fantasizing and porn all together.. and seems to advicate not masturbating either.. saying without fantasy there is nor urge to MB.. I totally agree with him.. only thing is, he died of prostate cancer at 77.. but who knows if theres any connection between his MB/S habits and prostate cancer, also he may have been having regular S anyway, so its hard to know what his habits were exactly.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

M-

I am pretty sure the older you get, the more likely you are to get prostate cancer. So, the guy who died of prostate cancer at 77 died at a pretty old age of something that happens more to men as they age. I am not an expert, but I am pretty sure there is a correlation. It might be worth a google check just to see.


I am not a guy, but I am of the opinion that is you "need" fantasy or whatever to E when you MB, then maybe you don't "need" to MB. If MB is natural and and a healthy way to have a release while you are not having regular relations, then it seems like it wouldn't be so hard to just get it done without fantasy and the like.

Just food for thought.

[moxex]

So the other day.. my ex girlfriend contacted me and said she wanted to hang out.. this got me thinking a lot about S and I started fantasizing a bit.. then I have some pics/vids of her nude etc.. I deleted them from my computer but im good with computers and have found ways to retrieve them.. I did.. and I MB'ed to the pics/videos.. I felt really relaxed afterward, but then this morning/today I feel really agitated and like a strong desire for more sexual release.. I think what ive realized is, if I abstain from fantasizing and viewing pictures etc.. my mind is more calm and I dont have this intense urge for release.. but as soon as I give in and watch a bunch of stuff, even after I get that release, its like it inflames my desires.. its like a cycle..

The thing is, I even noticed this with sex in a regular relationship.. I could never get enough and when I decided I wanted it, it was like I couldnt handle not getting it, for some reason I would get really agitated and single minded about it.

Why does this happen? How can I stop this process in my next relationship? I suppose its a real addiction, but S is normal so? I dunno

[burnedout]

The thing is, I even noticed this with sex in a regular relationship.. I could never get enough and when I decided I wanted it, it was like I couldnt handle not getting it, for some reason I would get really agitated and single minded about it.

moxex
I've noticed the same behavior in myself. I don't know what that means, whether we're at one end of a continuum of normal behavior, or whether it's really not normal. I tend to think it's not, but I'm not sure yet. I think it irritated a few former girlfriends to the point where they didn't want to see me anymore. It may have been a bigger problem when I was younger, but I feel like it's still an issue. It always seemed like other guys didn't act the same way. Whether it's just internal wiring or the result of external factors (or both or neither) is something I'm still trying to figure out. No breakthrough answers here. Just letting you know you're not alone.
John

[moxex]

Well I slipped up a few times the past week and a half.. was stressed and going through various things and ended up looking at P and MBing a few times.. thankfully neither time was I at it for hours or anything so it could have been worse but..

I think what im struggling with is.. how to have sexual expression as a single guy without P or M?? I dont think its healthy to go weeks and weeks with no sexuality.. my counselor suggested I try MB with just fantasy.. but honestly im trying to move away from fantasy.. I dont want to train my brain to fantasize everytime I engage in sexual behavior.. then when I have real S I wont be "in the moment" ill be fantasizing or thinking of something else.. I donno if its smart to train the brain to get itself excited over nothing real.. So im struggling with this question right now.. Any suggestions? I dunno if I can go weeks and weeks without MBing or any kind of sexuality or release.. dunno if I even want to..

I also noticed a few times the effect MB/P had on my psychological state.. it seems to make me relaxed initially but lead to frustration/stress the next day?