Immovable mind

[Benedict]

I dropped in here and browsed around a few weeks ago for the first time since I left TTF earlier this year. I notice the site has been revamped and TTF has rebranded its self as the only truly international network supporting people affected by pornography addiction and aims to be the number one source of help for all those affected. So I felt encouraged to start another journal. Perhaps TTF can now be the place for someone who is very concerned about their addictive behaviour (again, sigh) and wanting to change that, but who has a set of values and an understanding of human sexuality that differ from many of the views expressed here. I certainly intend to follow TTF rules about respecting others beliefs and values, and remaining courteous at all times.

Over the last few months, I have made huge progress on some of my addictions or obsessions. I would have said the PA was part of that progress until recently, the heat had gone out of it, I was obsessing less about S and P, and much more of my focus was on SO. But the last few weeks the PA has become a problem again and I find myself spending significant time on it, to the detriment of my family and other responsibilities. I should say that my problem, while of serious concern to me, has not had the serious adverse consequences (divorce, business failure, affairs, etc) or the level of lying and cheating that I read about in some of the PA and SO posts here.

I found it useful in the past to keep a journal, so I have decided to try this again. In the last few months, I have come clean about my problem with two friends, who have offered various advice and support, and also seen a personal counselor about it. I've had to stop the counseling for the time being, but may try to start it up again later in the year. I have spent quite a bit of time researching human sexuality and also have a developed a clearer understanding of the roots of my PA and on the reasons why I continue to use it. But changing deep rooted behavioural ways of coping (ie blocking out) feeling bad is not so easy to do. Perhaps this journal will help me stick to the strategies I am using, which take commitment and repeated getting back to them when I "forget" them.

[jaceinla]

AM
Benedict,

Welcome back! I'm somewhat similar in the sense that I saw this board a while back, noticed the changes, and decided to start up a journal here. I'm also grateful that I haven't gone down any darker holes with putting myself into a business risk, divorce, or loss of friendships. I don't want it to get any worse so I'm putting an end to it with you. I know we will be able to get through this!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Benedict-

Welcome back. I wondered what happened to you. You know we all have different opinions here, but the one thing we all have in common is the desire to rid P from our lives.

[Teemo]

Benedict,

I have been here since January of this year, and have found the people here to be tremendously supportive. I agree with WONLM: we see things from different perspectives, but we have a common goal: freedom from this addiction. That common goal means that the different opinions are a help, not a hindrance. I'm anxious to hear more about your struggle, your beliefs, and your strategies.

Teemo

[Benedict]

Thanks for welcoming posts. A little background. I live in Europe and have fairly European and liberated values and views on S and generally post-modern values and outlook. I have been an atheist since childhood, and a long-time Buddhist student. The Zen emphasis on direct experience, letting go of beliefs and taking no-one else's word for anything, fit very well with my interests as a researcher in the biological sciences and my strong orientation towards evidence and analysis and deepening my understanding of reality. Now partnered and with a family, and have had previous long- term relationships.

I have always found S and women very interesting, and have a strong libido, but am fairly shy and introverted, with some hang-ups and rejection issues about S dating from childhood and adolescent experiences. So M became a regular habit along with use of fantasy and visual stimuli. This habit turned into PA when I got home internet access and M and P became a "drug" for blocking bad feelings (rejection, depression, relationship issues).

One form my PA takes when it goes out of control is to hunt for and download images obsessively. I rarely ever go back and look through the folders of images created. I deleted and destroyed the quite large set of folders and CDs I had accumulated when I was on TTF before. Today I deleted the recent set of folders I created in the last few weeks.

I know that I was not hugely successful with my earlier strategies last year. In recent months, I have made a huge change to a quite healthy diet, lost significant weight and now exercise regularly with big increase in fitness. Alcohol was a growing problem, and like the PA I thought I had reduced it in recent months, but it and the PA have taken off again in last few weeks. Not binges or drunkenness, more just a little too much each day and a couple of drinks late evening to help get to sleep. I realize that drinking late evening is probably contributing to sleep problems rather than solving them.

Something I have realized more clearly in the recent weeks is that M is almost as much an addictive behaviour as the PA, and I need to loosen that addiction as well. So my strategies for the present are as follows:

1. Continue healthy diet and physical activity strategies.
2. Max 2 glasses red wine OR 1 glass other alcohol for 6 days per week. Max 1 glass late at night. One day of the week I am free to party or drink more with friends.
3. In bed and settling down for sleep by 1 am latest. Meditate if really not sleepy.
4. Zero internet P surfing or downloading.
5. Solo M no more than once per day, and none on days when have S interaction with SO.
6. When urges for P or M arise, or the underlying need to block out reality, explicitly stay open to those feelings/thoughts rather than closing. Accept, but do not cling, let the energy pass or circulate it through the body. Immovable mind.
6. Increase communication and openness, pay more attention to SO needs, express mine.

[Benedict]

So far I have stuck to my strategies, but its not easy. When urges arise, not so easy to change the habitual response. Biggest trigger is being alone, and I am so habituated to blocking feelings that arise by letting thoughts turn to M and P. And the bad feelings can arise simply because I have decided to get some work done during my alone time, or some non-work stuff like bills, and I really don-t want to do it, so feel bad about procrastination, and it’s then so easy to block that feeling by distracting myself.

It’s not always easy to distinguish when the urges and thoughts are primary (lust arises from time to time as the primary response of the body-mind to stimuli, hormones, etc) from when the urges and thoughts are secondary and are a strategy to block feelings or to zone out for a time. It’s the latter that mainly leads to the PA behaviours. PA is not really about sex per se. Of course, now the PA and the primary sexual urges have become terribly entangled, so a PA response can also be triggered by a primary S stimulus. But I think I am getting better at staying with the urges and thoughts without grasping at them or responding in a habitual way. But have thought that in the past and dropped back into bad habits, so need to stay alert.

[Benedict]

Just completed the first week of sticking to my strategies. Last night I was on my own, and temptations to turn to the internet for P arose repeatedly. At one point, I got on the computer and started a search, but managed to close the browser and walk away. My strategies helped. Particularly that I was feeling good about myself and my relationship in other areas. I realize that letting slip on one trigger behaviour (like getting overtired or too much alcohol) can easily lead to the unravelling of other strategies, and that multiple triggers are the big danger. Last night I was on my own, a major trigger, but I did not let other triggering behaviours happen. So thats probably why I succeeded. Feeling good about myself this morning as a result. I also realize that the P has been exacerbating the urge for MB. Without P last night, I felt no wish to MB. Less MB last week than usual and more positive interactions with SO.

Saw a post that said there is no middle way. Everyone has their own path, and I one hundred percent hope they succeed on the paths they follow. But I realized that what I am trying to do could be called the middle way. No extremes: addiction or abstinence. Of course, the Buddha referred to his path as the middle way, and thats what I am picking up on. The middle way means not to wallow in delusion or to go to the opposite extreme of complete ascetic denial. And for me the battle with PA is much the same as the Buddhist path to enlightenment. Letting go of attachments, but not repressing or suppressing throughts and feelings. Understanding that enlightenment and delusion are not two, but getting outside the delusions so they don’t trap the mind in their movements. And that then allows freedom to respond or not respond as appropriate to the situation. Of course, skilful means for realization may well involve sticking to particular strategies that involve abstinence from behaviours.

[Benedict]

Close to two weeks on the new strategies and feeling positive. During the last few weeks when my PA again became a big problem, I started keeping a tally of amount of S and MB. During my first 2 weeks of sticking to my revised strategies the balance has changed significantly: average S per week has increased and MB is half of previous average. Without internet P, the urge for MB, particularly for multiple sessions, is much reduced, and I hope will continue to reduce. Its clear to me that I have been mainly using MB for self-medication, a bit like taking a zanax. Though perhaps that’s not a good analogy, since there is a "high" that is contributing to the addictive pattern. Maybe more like a drug that gives a high, but anaesthetizes other feelings, or insulates one from them for a while.

I've also found that without P, I no longer have the capacity for mental fantasy that I used to have years ago. In part because I am highly visually oriented, in part because I have become habituated to more explicit stimuli, and perhaps also just lack of practice. In one way, that’s a good thing as I am much less likely to turn to M for medicating feelings when I am not allowing P stimuli, but on the other hand my reduced ability to fantasize does lead to impulses to look for P. The reduction in frequency of M is a good sign that I am learning to distinguish simple lust or horniness from the more frequent urges to self-soothe and getting better at not mindlessly responding with the old habitual response.

[burnedout]

Saw a post that said there is no middle way. Everyone has their own path, and I one hundred percent hope they succeed on the paths they follow. But I realized that what I am trying to do could be called the middle way. No extremes: addiction or abstinence.

Benedict
I think I am shooting for a middle way as well, though I also support others who choose otherwise. I cannot imagine ever having anything other than zero tolerance for P, and right now I am clamping down on lustful thoughts, as well. The problem, as I discovered last night, is that now that I have gotten good at doing that while conscious, they're happening in my sleep. But I am not going to be rattled by that. I can recognize beauty when I see it, whether I'm conscious or unconscious, but not linger on it, just move on. I really hope this works.

Of course, the Buddha referred to his path as the middle way, and thats what I am picking up on. The middle way means not to wallow in delusion or to go to the opposite extreme of complete ascetic denial. And for me the battle with PA is much the same as the Buddhist path to enlightenment. Letting go of attachments, but not repressing or suppressing throughts and feelings. Understanding that enlightenment and delusion are not two, but getting outside the delusions so they don’t trap the mind in their movements. And that then allows freedom to respond or not respond as appropriate to the situation.

I am trying to get into Buddhism as well. Just saw a documentary, which I've talked about before, on the Buddha. It said that, after he had his major revelations, the Buddha wanted to spread the word. So he tried. The first person he talked to essentially said, "Whatever, dude," and walked away. No violent conflict on either side. That is how I feel with what I've learned here. I want to convert everyone. I will take every opportunity I can to let people know how I feel about P, objectifying women, etc., but I'm not going to start a holy war over it. We will just to agree to disagree, and I'm hopeful that my approach will influence them positively.

Of course, skilful means for realization may well involve sticking to particular strategies that involve abstinence from behaviours.

I do feel that abstinence has a role to play. Since I cut out P, I have found, as you have, that it's much easier for me to bring myself out of my fantasies.

[Benedict]

Struggling again. Got into some sort of switched off mindless seeking of distraction. Started with channel surfing and then internet surfing and then I actually started searching for pictures and downloaded some. But I did manage to stop and walk away. No MB and do not intend to. So I changed the habitual response, amazingly. And thats why I am not seeing it as a failure of the strategies, but rather a success. Now I have deleted the pictures I saved also.

Went out to a bookshop and bought several books related to the problem at hand. One on dealing with addictions, which I was interested to see the author took a broad view and explicitly equated addictions, compulsions and obsessions. Not just restricting addiction to those of a more chemical nature that cause a physiological change & withdrawal symptoms. Two others related to dealing with shame and rejection on the personal level and in relationships. The roots of my addiction. Of course, I am very good at spending my time reading this stuff instead of doing it. But I hope they help.