Getting out of this mess.

[newstart]

Following my first & only post on the 100 day goal thread a few days ago I would like to introduce myself.

In short I'm a 52 year old male with a massive pa problem and its ruining my life!

I've been married and divorced twice and I've been with my present partner for about 15 years. My addiction is the first thing I've come across in my entire life that I don't think I can beat - its become a major part of me and I absolutely hate it.

I've always had an obsessive personality by which I mean to say that I become easily obsessed with things that are new to me and I find interesting. I don't want to give too many examples to keep my privacy but whether it's work related, sport related or even just a new hobby I tend to become totally engrossed or obsessed in things pretty easily. I can always feel the obsessions starting but I can never stop myself. I can feel my friends thinking 'oh no - hear we go again'. If I get a new interest it often becomes my major focus and I throw myself 100% into it. Sometimes this can be a really positive thing, particularly if it's work or sport related but sometimes it becomes an obsession that draws all of my energy that should be channelled elsewhere and has repercussions for other parts of my life. P is by far and away the most glaring example of this.

I think until about 10 years ago my p & ma habits were fairly usual. I remember ma from a young age and looking at my sisters girly magazines in my early teens. My first memory of p was around age 16 from lads at school but it wasn't a big issue. I don't remember any p during my first marriage and ma was pretty infrequent. My second wife whom I married aged 30 was quite religious so p was never discussed however I remember a few occasions when friends gave me the odd video she actually enjoyed watching them which was a surprise. We divorced in my mid 30s after which although I watched a little p and occasionally ma, neither were an issue and my use was 'I would imagine' around the average for my age.

As a side note I have always been very ambitious. I came from very humble beginnings and we were very poor. I think as a consequence I have always measured myself by how well I am doing - how well I can provide and its probably no coincidence that both of my divorces came during difficult business times for me. If I'm struggling I become a different person to the happy go lucky character I try to portray and I think both divorces had a bit of my own self destruct personality built into them.

The start of my current relationship occurred during my most successful period to date. The first 6 months or so was a never ending story of nights out, good life and just plain old fashioned fun. Both of us had come through a pretty tough period with our respective divorces and we were having the time of our life. Naturally this couldn't go on forever, particularly as my SO had 2 teenage daughters who, although they were being cared for, and loved and provided for 100% needed a more stable home life. After all they were used to having mum at home almost all of the time and now she was out with me more often than she was at home with them. So we made the decision to set up home together.

Everybody was in agreement with this - especially the girls which is surprising when you think how little time had passed since their parents divorce. I was absolutely determined to build a great life for all of us and if you asked any of them they would say without hesitation that I succeeded, in fact we all succeeded in making each other happy.

So what went wrong?

My first introduction to p that could be watched on a computer occurred about 10 years ago when my brother gave me a CD with various p movies on it. I must have watched it dozens of times on my own and although my SO would have had no problem watching it with me for some reason I kept it to myself. I've often wondered why I kept it a secret from her and I really don't know the answer. My sx life was really good at the time and my SO is more broadminded than most of our friends but I kept it to myself. Naturally after a while I got fed up with that first CD but there was never a problem getting more. I think from that day my p viewing and ma have steadily increased to the point I am at today. I hate to think how much time I have lost to p & ma in the last 10 years but it's massive. As far as business is concerned I have no one directly to answer to which is a shame. I work for myself and nobody is monitoring me: initially the impact on my work deteriorating wasn't a problem because I had reasonable financial reserves. Nobody knew I was working less & less and when my reserves ran out I was able to get by with borrowed money but obviously you can only do that for so long. I mentioned earlier about my obsessive personality and I became totally obsessed with p. Often I would go to my office, cancel all my appointments and watch p all day. Often I would watch p without ma but usually the 2 occurred together. Even now I often watch p for 6+ hours most days before declaring that tomorrow will be different but it never is. I used to think addicts were just weak willed people but clearly I am now among them. I have many triggers, being alone is one of them which happens as often as I want it to, the 27 year old daughter of my SO another. She still lives with us but she's not flirtatious in any way but , we get on like a house on fire and she has no idea the effect she has on me. The fact is the trigger could be almost anybody and anything because of the level of my addiction.

The almost inevitable conclusion to all this is that 10 years after getting that first CD I am broke with no access to further borrowing and with an apparent inability to concentrate on my work we expect to lose our home in the next couple of months. I am earning next to nothing because of my massive p & ma addiction. I am so far behind with everything its inevitable we will lose the house but amazingly my SO wants to stay with me which is the opposite reaction I had in my 2nd marriage. Of course my SO knows about my financial situation because I cant hide it although my p & ma addiction is still a total secret. The present economic situation makes a great scapegoat to use if your going bust even though in my situation its completely innocent. The reason I am broke is simply down to my inability to deal with p & ma addiction.

I turn to p now as soon as I'm on my own which is a lot of the time; I'm just using it to take my mind off of my real situation and to temporarily numb my reality.

What a mess!

[JenMac]

HI Newstart!
Welcome to TTF. I am glad you have found your way here!
It saddens me to hear your story but it happens all too often here.
The fact that you are here, of your own volition speaks volumes to me. It means you have not only recognized the problem, but that you are seeking recovery for yourself because of the damage it has inflicted on your life.
You will find many wise and supportive people here Newstart! They will be able to give you suggestions based on their own experienced in various stages of recovery.
Using this journal to get your thoughts and feelings out will be, I hope, a huge help for you as you move forward. Setting yourself up so that it is not possible for you to access P will also be vital if you are to succeed to rid yourself of this soul destroying addiction.
While I know that you are not likely feeling that you can tell your wife about your addiction at this time Newstart, I do feel sometimes that that can be one of the keys of recovery. After all, honesty is so very important in all of this and there are many here who would tell you that their wives have been instrumental in their healing and recovery.
I am an SO here, along with my H mac. We have been here for about 15 months and we have come a long way together. We are also in our 50s.
I hope you find what you are looking for here NS! I know that TTF has been a true blessing for mac and I.
If you do choose to tell your wife, I hope you will guide her here as well, as she will need us.
All the best!
Jenn

[Charly22]

I turn to p now as soon as I'm on my own which is a lot of the time; I'm just using it to take my mind off of my real situation and to temporarily numb my reality.

What a mess!

Thank you so much for sharing what you have shared here, I'm sure that took alot of courage to make that first step. I'm a SO here, so, I don't want to go too much into what I think is helpful for kicking this addiction, because, truth is, I've never had to kick this addiction. You need to hear this from those who have been there, know what it's like, etc.

But, I would like to say, that I think you could start with the conversations that you have with yourself, inside your own head. The above quote could read "I USED to turn to p as soon as I was on my own, but NOW I _______________"

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hey newstart

Welcome to TTF.

Your story saddens me, and I am sorry that all of this is happening , but to be honest, we have no one to blame for it, but ourselves.

I am a 55 year old man, who has had this addiction for many many many years. since I was about 12, I have been using P and mb. All it has proved to do, was just to destroy everything about me.

As a man close to your age, I just want to tell you, that you can become free from this crap, and no longer have it in your life. Easy?, hell no, can you do it? YES you can. but it will take a lot of work on your part. You need to come down with a plan, a recovery plan, that will work for you. You need to really stay away from anything that can trigger you into wanting to act out in any way. you say that this is ruining your life, so do something abut it, and do it now. you are not getting any younger, and there is just no way, that you can continue doing what you are doing. this crap will just eat at you, until there is nothing left of you. As long as this is in your life, there will never be any happiness in your Heart.

What scares me, is that as we get older in this addiction, we start getting to a point, to where what we are looking at, is just no longer a thrill for us. it is just no good anymore. so what can happen, and it has happened to many, is that this addiction can take us to places that we swore we would never go to. In time, if we don't get full control over it, we can start looking at things, that can have the police knocking at our door. I'm not saying you are doing this, but I am just being honest in what can happen to so many.

I can tell you that this has never happened to me, but in all honesty, can I tell you, that it never would have happened to me, if I was still deep into this addiction? No I cant tell you that, and this is why I am so damn happy that I no longer am in the grip of this addiction. towards the end of my addiction, I have found myself crossing some boundaries, that I sat out for myself, in what I will and will not look at.

Only you know what it is, that will help you to overcome this addiction. Only you know what tools will help you. So I am just going to suggest, that you find what you need now, to get a good start on your recovery.

If you have a problem in acting out, when you are home alone, then when this happens, do something that will keep you busy. being alone has always been a bad thing for me, while I was in this addiction. I was always so pissed of, because my family was home, and they were just interfering with my addiction time. what is sad, I never wanted them home, because I could not do my thing, while they where her. so when you know you are going to be alone, go for a walk, do yard work, just do anything else, to keep you away from this addiction.

If you have any files on your computer still, don't kid yourself, get rid of them now. don't wait for another day, because if you do, you will never get rid of them.

I really don't know if I am making any sense at all, because I am sick right now, and my head is just pounding away at me. so I will end this right now, and come back when I am feeling a little better.

The bottom line, is that I know that you can beat this crap. I know you said that may be one thing that you may not be able to do, but I am telling you, that If I can do this, then there is no reason as to why you cant do it. I want to see you start feeling better about you.

I have been free a little over 7 months now, and I have not ever felt as good as I do now in my life.

What I like, is that you came here on your own to get help, it just shows that it is in your HEART, to want to overcome this addiction.

I will help you as much as I can.

Sorry for just rambling on in your journal


Gerald

[likeafish34]

newstart,
I'm sorry that things are a mess. I can't say that working on your addiction will magically make your problems go away, but I think that it will help your psychological well being.
I'm a recovering addict (51 days). I've dabbled with P since I was a teenager, but its over the last ten years that it's really take control of my life. This coincides with worsening mental health (I suffer from anxiety and depression). As my mental state became worse, I used porn more and more to cover up the pain. Unfortunately although the deadening effect of porn worked while I was using it, as soon as I stopped I just added guilt and self loathing to my pile of woes. Now that I've been free for 51 days, I feel so much better. I still suffer from anxiety and depression, but at least I don't have the guilt and self loathing any more.
There's loads of good stuff on this site and plenty of members who understand and care. My advice is (i) get away from your computer, do something in the real world (ii) make a plan and (iii) most importantly start posting in your recovery journal every day.
There is a way out of this addiction. It's a hard battle, but we can all do it.
Good luck
Simon

[newstart]

Your responses are very humbling and encouraging - thank you all very much.

Jenn - I hear what you say but I couldn't bring myself to discuss my addiction with my SO any time soon. I think this is one thing I need to somehow work out for myself and naively I actually believe that if I really put my mind to it (with your help) I will. I am in an incredibly dark place right now but it occurs to me that I really haven't taken any positive steps to recover and that's about to change. I'm currently taking stock of my situation and then Ill come up with an achievable plan to get back to where I want my life to be.

Charly - I've been thinking about your reply and the conversations I have with myself. Truth is; if I said "I used to turn to p as soon as I was on my own" I would be lying because I still do but that IS about to change!

Gerald - All of your words really hit home for me, as you say I'm not getting any younger and I have already destroyed what was a really promising life for both myself and my family. Whatever I do going forward the last 10 years are gone forever but I can make the future very bright. There really isn't very much left of me anyway at the moment but I'm going to gather all the remaining threads than I can hold on to and rebuild from them what used to be there only stronger. I completely acknowledge that as long as p is in my life I will never have happiness in my heart. Congratulations to you on being free for over 7 months - I enjoyed 'hearing' you say "I have not ever felt as good as I do now in my life" because that's what I want for myself and my family. Thank you.

and Simon - I cant believe how many posts I have read on this forum resonate with my own feelings and yours certainly did that. I can see how p would temporarily cover up your feelings of anxiety and depression but then add guilt & self loathing to your mix of emotions. Its encouraging to hear how you feel after 51 days of freedom and I really hope it continues to improve for you. Thanks for your good luck which is reciprocated.

I obviously need a plan of action to stand any chance of getting my life back which is what I'm going to work on now. Its starting to dawn on me that I'm not the only one with this problem and that my situation is far from unique although of course in some ways it is.

About 2 years ago I made the following note in my diary prior to attempting a 30 day p free period - I seem to have spent the last few years looking at porn. Heaven only knows how many hours. Say an average of what 3 hours per day, sometimes a LOT more sometimes less. This has been going on for at least 8 years. So 8 * 365 * 3 = 8,760 hours!!! That is about 365 days - or 52 weeks. AN ENTIRE F****** YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It may even easily be more than that. What a total waste of a life. There are no words to describe what a waste of time, effort and money that is let alone the complete and utter insult to ***** and myself. I am mortified and I have to do something to get that time back. AN ENTIRE F***** YEAR. YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER W*****. If you fail with this trial and EVER RELAPSE you are a total waste of a human life.

Well that trial lasted 3 days and since then I have only gotten worse.

Somehow I know this time it will be different.

I already feel encouraged.

[healme]

Hi NS

First of all, I’m sorry that you have to be here as well. I believe that it is in you heart and that's why you are here....GREAT start.

This is the most difficult part, admitting that you have a problem and an addiction. The next most difficult part will be to tell your SO. The fact is that once you’re SO finds out, it will be very hurtful, very hurtful to both you, but you will be on the road to recovery. I also believe that until you somehow manage to tell your SO It just becomes another lie. Lies/Guilt/Shame and back to P.

You will be surprise how many SO’s understand and support their H’s. This place has been great therapy for me and my H. She will also come to understand all of the other issues in your marriage (it’s like the puzzle pieces all seem to fit in somehow) that were the cause and effect of this addiction. It will become very clear for both of you. Once you both have dealt with your addiction then I believe you’ll experience wonderful intimacy in your marriage. But not until then….

Think about it. It will be difficult but it will help you heal.

Remember you need to be 100% honest here. Take time to educate yourself on TTL before you take this journey with your SO. It’s not a matter of “if she finds out” it’s a matter of “when”.

P.S. My H was caught…it would have been easier for me to deal with this addiction if he came to me. I realize there is a lot of shame involved with this addiction but I did promised to help him is sickness and in health.

Best of luck
I feel your pain

[newstart]

Thanks for you reply healme.
I am sure that you are right when you suggest I should tell my SO about my addiction - but there is no way on earth that I am going to do that any time soon.

Her life has been deteriorating on all fronts for the last 10 years and particularly for the last 5 years which I have put down to my failing business. I have conveniently blamed its failure on the economy - after all, the news and the newspapers are always full of stories about individuals and businesses going bust so it's a pretty convenient scapegoat for me.

The truth of the matter is somewhat different; obviously economic conditions are far from ideal but there is still more than enough business out there for me to still be very successful. The fact of the matter is that the only reason I'm broke and we are about to lose our home is that for the last 10 year I've been consumed by my addiction.

My SO has absolutely no idea about any of this & and I think for her to learn at this stage that I've wasted 10 years of my life and by association hers as well would be more than she could bear. I don't mean that she would have a breakdown or anything like that I just mean it would so undermine her opinion of me that our relationship would be irrecoverable.

On the subject of business, and I know that money doesn't equal happiness by any stretch of the imagination I would like to put my situation into perspective. For the 5 years prior to my pa I was earning in the region of 100k pa which obviously gave us all a very nice lifestyle and the ability to accumulate some reserves.

Looking back I think I stopped working effectively as soon as I started looking at computer p which was about 10 year ago. I was still able to earn a good living from the business momentum I had created although I was doing nothing to sustain it for the future. I was basically spending most of my work time with my addiction and I had no time or energy left over for my business or many other areas of my life come to that. I found that looking at p for half a day would leave me exhausted for the rest of the day and the cycle would repeat ad infinitum.

Eventually the business momentum ran out of steam, the reserves were depleted and I started running up debts but my pa continued getting stronger. In fact it was the only thing in my life I looked forward to as I used it to bury the truth of what was happening to me. Remember what I was earning up until 10 years ago - well my income for the entire last 3 years has been less than 10k, yes <10k for 3 complete years! Not many people can get by on that sort of money and we certainly cannot.

We have now been given a date by the courts to be out of our wonderful house and amazingly my SO still wants to stand by me and spend the rest of her life with me? I just couldn't tell her how I have messed up our lives looking at other woman - that would be even crueler than what I have already done to her.

No, for me the way to make amends is to put in place a plan of action to beat this thing and stick to it and become the person I used to be - the person that she originally fell in love with. I know I can get back to where I was which is what I am going to do.

[healme]

Hi Newstart,

This is the right place for you....I hope that in time you'll be able to be honest for your SO. This at some point will be crucial for both of you to heal. I know if feels like it's unimaginable to come clean with her at this point. It's like kicking while she's down.

my SO still wants to stand by me and spend the rest of her life with me?

You'll know when the time is right for you. She's still with you despite the financial situation you are and I also think she would be by your side to help you heal from this addiction.

Keep up your journals and we are all here to help you. When the time is right we will be there to help your SO as well.

[newstart]

CHANGE CAN HAPPEN IN AN INSTANT

I read that years ago in a Tony Robbins book and now I'm going to apply it to my addiction.

For me: that 'instant' occurred yesterday when I truly decided to kick my p & ma habit for good.

Reading many journals here have empowered me to do this, but I was reading Hopefuls journal when the penny finally dropped.

I suddenly realised how much hurt I have inflicted on my SO, myself, and many others around me by my actions and just how unnecessary this all is.

Because of the deep shame I feel for my actions over the last 10 years & contrary to your advice I will not be sharing this with anybody but you & Ted.

Ted is a tiny handsome friendly & wise ceramic bear I purchased yesterday. He now lives with me permanently as he's attached to my bunch of keys.

Ted & I had a really good long talk about this and he's kindly agreed to help. His major task is to whisper 4 little words into my ear every time I tell him the images or impulses are bothering me.

With complete wisdom he'll repeat "this too shall pass."

Cheers Ted.

Days of freedom: 0