27 June, 2011

[wantingfreedom]

My name is Wantingfreedom
27 June 2011 was the start of a new beginning of my life. The false world of p will become a thing of the past but must forever remain in my future because to forget is to repeat. This is the first law of relapse.
It’s not like forgetting to pick up milk. This kind of forget is to abandon reality for a false world of crazed thinking, emotional voids and actions that can result in the most horrendous results.
And trapped in no-mans-land is an SO who is innocent of all the hurt and pain received as a result of your actions.
My story is much like that of some many of our friends at TTF. Childhood comfort gained through m which stayed through adulthood as a replacement for emotions. Other issues with parental love, alcohol and anger were like putting out fire with gasoline.

We talked last night and I tried to explain why p draws you in. I said it’s like cutting into a line of people who are filling 10 glasses of water, one at a time. These glasses represent the rich fullness of reality with a partner where all the glasses are senses, emotions, feelings, love, companionship being filled one by one. The full appreciation of these feelings require one to work hard, to grow through experience and to share. The final glass represents the euphoric result of consummating love. P makes you cut into line and fill only the final glass. You rob yourself of the satisfaction of hard work resulting in a relationship based in trust and love. Because the other glasses are not full, room is left for all the negative, reverse emotions to get in and take hold of your lives. m is the ba***rd child of p that tears apart lives and love.

The ease with which p can draw someone in is absolutely stunning. The easy you feel when out of p is even more so.

Wantingfreedom.

[JenMac]

HI WF!
So glad that you are H are working at getting your thoughts and feelings out. That is the most important thing through all of this. Communication! Often times difficult, but it really is the basis of a good recovery. Getting all of those innermost thoughts and feelings out into the open with honesty and with being forthright will foster recovery for yourself, for H and for your relationship.
Mac and I found that when we learned to talk continuously about all of this it was so much better for us. We continue, 15 months later, to keep this in the forefront of our lives and while we may not be discussing the particular details as often, we are still openly talking about this trauma in our marriage. That helps to keep it there to be dealt with, and that in turn makes our recovery more lasting, I believe. So yes, 'keep it forever in your future'.
As you move further along in your recovery WF, you will learn many ways to assist you in staying the course in your recovery. I hope you will grasp hold of them and learn from others who have gone before you. Quite a transformation can take place and I think you will like the man you see staring back from the mirror when you get there.
All the best WF! Listen and learn!
Jenn

[wantingfreedom]

Journal entry

I reread my first entry because as I drove to work this morning I thought back about what I had composed and posted and realized what a pompous a@@ I sounded like.
Ego got in the way as I tried to relate what happened. The analogy I used is accurate but if I was so knowledgable, how did I let this happen in the first place?
My SO has refered me to a thread going back to early 2010. It deals with what a pa can do for their SO while in recovery. Checking the ego, humility before those harmed and listening and acting correctly must be practiced.
I must understand that 'Easy Does It' can apply to many situations.
Thank you H.

[Charly22]

We talked last night and I tried to explain why p draws you in. I said it’s like cutting into a line of people who are filling 10 glasses of water, one at a time. These glasses represent the rich fullness of reality with a partner where all the glasses are senses, emotions, feelings, love, companionship being filled one by one. The full appreciation of these feelings require one to work hard, to grow through experience and to share. The final glass represents the euphoric result of consummating love. P makes you cut into line and fill only the final glass. You rob yourself of the satisfaction of hard work resulting in a relationship based in trust and love. Because the other glasses are not full, room is left for all the negative, reverse emotions to get in and take hold of your lives. m is the ba***rd child of p that tears apart lives and love.

I really love this description you have provided, it is probably one of the best descriptions I've ever heard, describing the impact it has on one's relationships and reality. Thanks for sharing it.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

wantingfreedom

I am so happy to see that you started your journal. as you write here more and more, you will feel so much about yourself. also the more you write, the more that we can help you with this crap.

I am so happy to see you here

Gerald

[wantingfreedom]

Second Journal Entry

My SO had been after me for 6 years to start running. I have now added it to my plan. I looked forward to going out this morning and when I got back home was glad I had. The runners high that she feels will help to channel my energy and thoughts.

Today I feel anxiety about what I have done to myself and my family. The solace is that it not seated in fear, secrecy and deciet. It comes from being present in reality and not wrapped up in fantasy.

I feel sometimes when I read other threads that I have no right to put in my 2 cents worth because of what I have done, but I realize that pa's are all in the same boat and that this is therapy.

Went I write that 'Your next victory is less than a day away' I pray that it means the same for me also.
Wantingfreedom.

[burnedout]

I feel sometimes when I read other threads that I have no right to put in my 2 cents worth because of what I have done, but I realize that pa's are all in the same boat and that this is therapy.

I consider my journal pretty much of an open forum that I just happened to start. I get a lot of benefit from what others write there. Feel free to post in it any time.
John

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I feel sometimes when I read other threads that I have no right to put in my 2 cents worth because of what I have done, but I realize that pa's are all in the same boat and that this is therapy.

wantingfreedom

Nice to see you again.

Please do put you 2 cents here. you are no different than we are, because we are all addicts. A lot of our stories may be different, and some of us, done things that others never done. but ALL of us do have one thing in common here, and that is, because of this addiction, we destroyed everything that we love so very much.

So regardless of what we done, we need to write here in our own journal, and also in others. the more we read, and the more we share to others, the better off we are in our recovery.

Hey it is like you said, we are all in the same boat. so while we are in this both, trying to sail away to freedom, we all need each other, to be able to stay afloat. I am so happy that we are on the same boat right now, because now I know I have someone to help me, and I can do what I can, to help you.

Keep up with your recovery my friend. stay strong, and be on guard. this damn addiction is EVERYWHERE that we are.

Gerald

[wantingfreedom]

Third Entry

I am very early in my second recovery. I had every oportunity to do it right the first time and allowed myself to fail.
I have watched a Gail Dines interview and in talking with SO about it found myself focusing firstly on what I hadn't progressed to, not on what she was stating about the effects of p.
It was pointed out to me that I was beening defensive...yes I was. I was attempting to minimize my failures and in doing so, supported the industry by not denouncing it outright.'
TTF helped me to see this and a second discussion was fruitful. Thanks to JenMac for prying open blindered eyes.

I related to my SO that when something passes through my line of sight I feel a twinge in the pit of my stomach...much like a guard on duty at night when he hears a twig snap in the dark. A super sensitivity that must the harnessed and made habit. A good defence is a great offence... we must work to guard and fight at the same time.

Thanks for the support TTF.

Wantingfreedom

[wantingfreedom]

TO Burnedout and INOH

I will continue to read and submit comments. I hope that I can pull my oar as stronly as others do.
WF