being single coping with this?

[phil]

Hi all this is one of my first posts thought i would just let everyone know my story to see if anyone has any advice.

i'm 31, single, live on my own, i have been using p and m for 9 years now. not being very good with women and thinking of myself ugly. i didn't think alot of it although i was (and still am) quite lonely. i thought of it as a good way of escaping and relaxing.

About 2 mouths ago i met a girl who i couldn't belive actualy liked me. i mean realy liked me. wow happy days yeah? well no. turns out not letting people into your life and locking yourself away from normal relationships and acting out with p and m as a substitute realy aint good for your confidence.

anyway i decided to stop the p and m for a bit and concentrate on her. It didn't work. It turned out i had compleatly no sex drive with out p. i started to read up on it and found this site.

i have pushed this lovley girl away and told her i need to sort my head out first, which she dosn't understand.

it has now been 14 days today without p and m. I'm absolutly determined to beat this as i have been shown how good life could be.

i have tried to quit before but didn't realy understand it properly. now i do and have a real reason too.

although i still have compleatly no sex drive. has anyone els found this in there early days of recovery?

another thing i'm gunna try and sort this on my own. i can't think of anyone in my life that would understand. or not think i'm a sick pervert.

these last 3 or 4 days i have felt realy depressed, i'm going to start running more and biking more and i'm gunna join a gym.

by the way i'm not to good and expressing myself in words (or any other way realy) so sorry if this is a bit hard to read. hope u get the picture. and hope someone has some advice for me.

[burnedout]

by the way i'm not to good and expressing myself in words (or any other way realy)

Sounds like you're expressing yourself fine, Phil. Sounds like you get what P and M have done to you. You're doing well so far, I think. Keep at it.

As for sx drive in the early days of recovery, I don't really remember what mine was like. I can say for sure it was pretty much nonexistent when I was in the haze of heavy P use. You may just be coming out of that. I think mine has returned to normal now, but it's something you have to keep under control, in balance, like any other appetite, I find.

Take care
John

[WayFarerNation]

Hey Phil. I'm 27 and single.

This woman thing, and the loneliness. I can tell you from my experience that P and M just make the loneliness worse. It also makes it hard to see the real qualities in women around you. So if you're looking for confirmation that your feelings are correct in that regard, I believe they are.

[JasonB]

P and MB definitely screws with our self-esteem. You could look like Brad Pitt, but if you lock yourself up in a house by yourself and look at P and MB all the time then it's going to screw with your self-image because you know it's not a normal behavior. I know because I've experienced it myself. Just keep your head up and keep trying. If you relapse, keep your head up, quickly regain control and keep moving forward. Don't ever lose the desire to quit and begin making positive changes in your life. Working out is a great one because not only does it help reduce stress, which is a common trigger for most of us, but it also improves your self-esteem. You might want to think about taking up a new hobby too like learning a musical instrument. I started piano lessons about 4 months ago and love it. It's a challenge that helps me stay distracted from the computer, plus it boosts the levels of seratonin in my brain, which is one of the hormones released when I look at P and MB (dopamine and adrenaline are a couple others). So in other words, I'm substituting positive behaviors for the negative ones. Also, you should definitely put a filter on your computer if you haven't already. You'd be surprised at how much easier it is when you know you can't view P even if you wanted to. K9 has a good free filter. If you don't have someone you can trust that can set the password then use a random password generator website to set one, then get rid of it. Also, link it to an email account that you can't access. You can use the same random password for the email account. It may sound like all of this will permanently filter your web content, but that's not the case. You can still change the account to a valid email account you can access, but K9 won't send the new password to it for a whole 7 days. So this prevents you from immediately having capability to access P. This system has worked well for me. Anyways, hang in there and you might also want to start a recovery journal. Good luck!

[phil]

wow i cant belive how quick people have come back to me. thanx alot guys it means alot. and i'm gunna make an effort to post on other peoples posts as well now.

Jason. i did think about not setting up a filter knowing it is there and keep refraining from it. but i think i will now as it can't hurt and i know there will be a time i feel depressed or bored so it will reminde me to keep strong. i will do it as soon as i have finished here. and this post is kinda my journal.

I have also been thinking i am going to start doing some volunteer work, in a way to stop being so self involved and to think about other people before myself.

I'm so determined this time to change my life, i will not fail.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

phil-

I am an SO, not a PA. But, I can tell you my husband could have cared less about sx with me when he was in his P haze. He couldn't perform and he wasn't into it. After being clean for a few months, he has really changed. It is like being with a different guy.

P does ruin your sx drive. Also, it can ruin your mindset so you have physical and mental barriers to real sx. If you compare women to P, then we don't measure up. We have needs and feelings and the words "hey baby let's f*&^" don't really get a woman going. Real women also aren't perfect, and we don't have a make-up and lighting crew to hide our flaws. Sometimes women aren't in the mood, and its not personal, its just normal. So, I hope you can detox your body from the physical cravings for P and detox your mind from the delusions of P.

I think getting in shape is a fantastic idea and volunteering is even better. WHo knows, perhaps you will meet a nice girl who also does those things and you two will become friends and then real magic can happen from there.

I am happy you are so self aware to see that your P and M addiction are the real problem and not just blame it on the girl who didn't work out. Few people come to such awareness, so don't down yourself about how well you express yourself. You are miles ahead of a lot of people just by being here. Now commit for real, and then you will be doing even better.

I wish you well and not luck because luck has nothing to do with it.

[Teemo]

Phil.

I wish I had the insight that you have when I was single and was getting increasingly involved with P and M. I have been married for many years, and I can tell you that this addiction is something that I should have defeated long before I was married. Instead, I brought it into our marriage and now have to deal with both my cravings and my longstanding lack of integrity. Do it right, and do it now. There is a life of freedom and wholeness ahead for you, and that is worth everything.

Teemo

[phil]

day 16

thanx guys wifeofanewlifeman that is an inspiering message.

to let u all know i installed the filter but i know the password. got to say today has been realy hard. so glad i installed the filter. dealing with these days will be the hardest. i try and stay out the house as much as i can even if it means watching tv at a mates.

But when he started to watch mtv i had to leave as my mind started to wonder.

this is gunna be much tougher then i thought. days like this. lonley nights and feeling unwanted and un needed.

got to be strong i will beat this.

[Love in a Lifeboat]

Hi Phil,

I am an SO of a PA. I pretty much give the same advice to all new PA for motivation, so here it is.

Imagine a life without P and M. Imagine what kind of man you want to be. Make it happen. Men have built bridges, skyscrapers, run into burning buildings, rescued people from drowning, wonderful and amazing things. P was no where to be found. You never needed P and you don't need it now for your real problem which only you can answer and maybe a prof. counselor can help you find. You are not P and P is not you. You don't need it to be breathe or exist.

The relationships you have is not about sex, it's about the human connection. It's about being vulnerable and honest, falling for someone for who they are on the inside. P took from you the human element, returning only shame and embarrassment and isolating yourself. You will find a way to take it back. Stay strong.

[JasonB]

day 16

thanx guys wifeofanewlifeman that is an inspiering message.

to let u all know i installed the filter but i know the password. got to say today has been realy hard. so glad i installed the filter. dealing with these days will be the hardest. i try and stay out the house as much as i can even if it means watching tv at a mates.

But when he started to watch mtv i had to leave as my mind started to wonder.

this is gunna be much tougher then i thought. days like this. lonley nights and feeling unwanted and un needed.

got to be strong i will beat this.

Get rid of the password. It's too tempting. Use this website to change it, then get rid of it! (link removed)