Jason's Journal: My Journey to Freedom

[JasonB]

I just discovered this website and forum thru Tony Listser’s P addiction recovery program. I don’t know anyone yet, nor have I read much of the other posts besides the forum rules, but I’m just going to jump in and begin my recovery journal anyway. I know doing so will help me stay motivated to quit for good.


I’ve struggled with P for as long as I can remember. Ever since puberty, and actually even before that. When I was 6 years old, I remember me and my friends discovering someone’s stash of P in the woods somewhere. This naturally greatly influenced my own curiosity with sex and I always had a fascination with it at an early age. Once I figured out how the plumbing worked, MB became a big part of my life. As I got older, things only got worse. Especially once the internet came out (I’m 33 years old). I remember getting a cable modem for the first time and being absolutely thrilled because it meant I could download more P. That was around 2001 and was the beginning of many years of pure addiction to P.


Despite this addiction having a negative impact on all of my relationships during that 10 year span, it wasn’t until last year that I finally realized that I am an addict. I then decided I wanted to quit. At first, I thought I could just do it on my own without any help. “It’s just will power”, I thought to myself. After that didn’t work, I decided to buy some books for P addiction recovery. They were actually very good and did help me a lot in realizing that a) I’m not alone, b) this can’t be beaten by just will power, c) but it can be eventually beaten. I was able to apply many of the principles I learned and drastically cut back on the amount of P that I viewed, however, I still couldn’t quit for good.


Then, about 5 months ago, I met a wonderful woman. She’s the kind of woman that I dreamed I would meet one day and possesses all of the personal qualities that I have sought in a companion. However, she lives her life to an extremely high moral standard, which I have also learned to live in the past year by joining the same church, all except for my addiction to P. I greatly love and respect this woman and do not want P to have any part in my relationship with her. So here I am, embarking on my recovery to finally rid myself of this horrible addiction once and for all.


I know it’s going to be painful. I know there are going to be lots and lots of times that I desperately want to give into the craving. I know that there will likely be some moments of weakness when I do, but I am in this for the long haul and I fully intend to figure out a way to cope with my life without P and MB.


I have joined Tony Listster’s program. I didn’t know anything about it less than a week ago, but it was recommended by someone on another forum, so I’m giving it a shot. I really like what I’ve heard so far, plus I like that he has personally dealt with this same addiction and knows exactly what I'm going through.


Today is Day 2 of sobriety. The longest I have gone without P and MB is about a month, which was earlier this year and is unbelievably long for me. I don’t think I’ve ever even approached that length of time before. But I fully intend to build on that and take this one day at a time and record my thoughts each day as I progress towards a more permanent solution.

[burnedout]

Welcome, Jason. Sounds like you've found some good reasons to quit and you have a realistic and still positive outlook.
John

[Teemo]

Welcome, Jason. You are in for a real fight, and you know it. I'm glad you have done some study of the problem. You know what you are up against, and you are reaching out for help. You will get some great help here at TTF. I hope you are putting together a great plan for success. The more things you can put into place, the better your chances. Get rid of anything you may have saved. Lock down any access by installing a good filter, and do it right so you can't get around it when things get tough. Get some face-to-face help: someone to whom you can tell exactly what you have done. Someone who can help to hold you accountable for staying on track when you can't find any reason to keep going. If you have a faith in God, it is time to let your faith carry you. Keep praying; keep turning your will over to God. You are going into a great and worthy battle. You were made for the life you are claiming for yourself. Don't settle for failure. It can be done. Keep reading and writing here. I hope to read much more from you!

Teemo

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

JasonB,

Welcome to TTF. I am an SO here. I am very proud of you for discovering you need help on your own without being forced into it. You can quit P if you are dedicated and motivated and use all the tools in your arsenal.

I don't know if you have been honest with your girlfriend about your struggle, but if not, then you should really consider it. It might be difficult, but honesty with yourself and your partner is really the best tool in your arsenal.

I don't know if your church has a Celebrate Recovery program, but if so, you should check it out. It helped my husband immensely. He wasn't very religious, but he found CR to be the best part of his recovery in the early days.

I hope you continue to choose recovery.

[JasonB]

Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words. This morning's post was actually written yesterday but I didn't have posting privileges, so I typed it in word yesterday and copied it over this morning. So, today is Day #3.

I have visited Day 3 countless times. I know this feeling of confidence, which in the past, has turned into over confidence, which subsequently has always turned into failure. My goal is to not let myself begin to think that I've got this thing "in the bag". One day at a time is my motto. Not even one day, but one hour, one minute and one second. I've got to compartmentalize every second of my day and recognize those events that typically trigger a relapse. But I don't want to just "white knuckle" my way through this. I'm in this to learn coping skills that will last my entire life.

I've had the K9 filter installed on my computer and phone now for about a month. I used a random password generator to set the password and threw it away. The email address it is linked to is also impossible for me to reach. It's not easy trying to fool myself, but I know that I have. There is only one way that I can retrieve the password to my filter, but that involves a week of waiting for it to arrive, which gives me plenty of time to pull myself together. As for my phone, I've also got the K9 browser installed there and have put the password at work in a safe location. The filter works very well and when I was testing it a while back, I was not able to find any weaknesses.

Since I've had the filter, I've learned that I can only have it set to strict filtering. At first, I just thought I could filter the P sites, but then I started abusing the torrent sites, so I had to filter those. Then it was youtube, so now I filter that. It's so bizarre because it's almost like there are two of me: one trying to fool the other. But the filter DEFINITELY works because it removes the temptation. There is no question that I would look at P without having a filter. I know that I wouldn't have any chance at success without one.

I've been reading a bit more of Tony's program. He does a weekly call with other P addicts, but all new members form a new group each month and mine hasn't been formed yet. I like the idea of talking openly about my addiction. Doing it on a message board is definitely helpful, but actually speaking about it is even better. Everything about this addiction is done in secret. I've lived this entire part of my life in secrecy for as long as I can remember so I'm anxious to talk about it with others that know what it's like and to also learn from their own experiences.

[waterlily327]

Hey Jason, it sounds like you are off to a good start! I am an SO here, so I hope you don't mind me popping in on your journal. I don't know if you have seen Phil's "100 Day Challenge" on this site, but I know it has helped my BF a lot--more motivation to stay on track has been good for him! You are doing great by being here, and it sounds like you have developed a good game-plan for recovery. Best of luck to you, Jason, and I am looking forward to reading more from you!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Jason

Welcome to TTF.

I am glad that you found this site, and you are here for the help that you will need. you have joined a family, that really cares about, and respects all that are here.

As you know, you do have a fight on your hands, but to be honest, there is no reason to why you cant free yourself from this sick addiction. It does sounds like, you have already done what you need to do, to get a good start on your recovery. just stick with all of the plans you have to fight this, and you will be ok with your recovery.

When you do get the thoughts of giving in, do something else, get away from the computer, and leave your phone in the house, and just go sit outside for a few minutes, until the temptations do go away. if we are to not, just sit around, dwelling on the thoughts/temptations, then there is no reason for them to stay around long. just learn ways to fight them off, so they don't end up winning the battle.

We are here for you Jason, if you need us. never be ashamed of giving us a dry for help when you need it. you are not alone in this battle, because you now have a whole army, willing to back you up, against this beast, that has controlled us, for way to long.

Again, I am happy that you are here to get help. I will check in on you to see how you are doing


Gerald

[JasonB]

Day #4

This has been a busy week for me so far and it's going to stay that way all the way thru the holiday weekend, which is a huge blessing. There's no question that boredom factors in big time with my addiction. Sitting around with nothing to do with a computer in the house is not conducive to quitting P and MB. Back in early February, before I even really knew I was going to quit, I started a serious workout routine which I have stuck with ever since. I can't even begin to explain how much this helps me. Anxiety and stress are obviously big triggers for most addicts, including myself, but when I break a serious sweat, there's no question those triggers are dramatically reduced. Plus, it gives me something else to do besides sitting in the house near a computer. Not to mention I just look and feel better, which has helped counter another thing porn has destroyed...my self-confidence.

Also to fight the boredom and idleness, I decided to take up a new hobby by learning the piano. I started with an instructor once a week about 3 or 4 months ago and so far, so good. Since I stare at a computer all day for my job, it's nice to exercise the left side of my brain. Interestingly enough, I learned through Tony's program about the influence P and MB has on the brain's levels of serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline, and how when we act out, these hormone (i think they're hormones) levels increase dramatically, much like a drug addict experiences. This was interesting to me because it made me realize that this addiction goes way beyond just mental illness and willpower. I have actually conditioned my brain to EXPECT those surges in hormones. Tony gives some suggestions on ways we can increase those hormones thru positive activities. So for example, doing something creative, like playing the piano, increases the levels of serotonin. Not to the levels achieved thru acting out, of course, but very few of these alternative positive activities do achieve such levels, which are unnatural in the first place. It's all just a matter of re-conditioning my brain to accept these lower hormone levels, which is made easier thru participating in positive alternative activities. I know this is easier said than done but every little bit helps. I also know my brain is about to begin revolting because it isn't receiving those hormone surges, but Day 4 has been a success and I fully intend for Day 5 to be as well.

[JasonB]

Day #5

I was crazy busy all day today so I don't even recall being faced with any temptations. I wish it was always going to be this easy, but I guess that's why it's considered an addiction. You're doing fine, doing fine, doing fine, then BAM, it hits you from out of nowhere and you find yourself behind a computer looking at P again. I've been there so many times before and I really do hate that feeling of extreme shame and knowing I just squandered all the hard work to get to that point. Starting over really does suck and I'm just tired of doing it.

A couple of months ago, I put together a list of every single pro and con I could think of about P and MB. After days of putting thought into this list, I came up with a grand total of 2 pros and 17 cons. Why would I want to continue to subject myself to something that is so detrimental to my personal well-being? When I look back on what P has done to my life, it's truly sad. In my youth and as a young adult, I unknowingly subjected myself to this harmful activity, but why continue it for another 30 years when I know what I know now? Hell, why should I EVER do it again? Will I die if I don't see P and MB? Of course not, but my brain is going to begin telling my body otherwise. I don't want to learn to cope by simply white knuckling my way through life, but I also realize that sometimes white knuckling it is exactly what I need to do while I re-train my brain to accept lower hormone levels. Hopefully, over time, it will become much easier to resist the urges as my brain adjusts.

Tomorrow night is my first call-in with my new group. I really hope there are several people in the group. It's a little scary to think about actually talking about my addiction with another human being, but I know this is exactly what I need to do. I really haven't had much time this week to do a lot more reading about Tony's program so I feel somewhat unprepared, but I'm calling in no matter what.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Jason

Hey it sounds like you are off to a good start on your recovery. I do love your attitude in wanting this out of your life now. I have wasted over 40 years of my life on this addiction. this was very valuable time, that could have been used for better things.

Now I see the same as you do. why in the hell would I or anyone else, want to spend so much time, on something, that only brings us harm? nothing ever good came out of having this addiction. you are off to a very good start, and I hope that it just gets a lot better for you.

This addiction is so hard to beat, because it is all around us in our every day life. no matter where we go, it is just right there in our face, trying to lure us, to be willing to give in to this addiction. but with the right HEART attitude, we can just push these temptation away. each day, it will be a lot easier for us to control.

I am 7 months free from this crap, and I have never felt as good about myself, as I do now. and it just gets better.

I wish you the best in your recovery Jason. keep going like you are, and you will do fine. just ALWAYS be on guard against this beast, who has nothing good anymore to offer us

Gerald