W's Recovery Journal

[Wise]

After battling and indulging in P for three years, I have finally decided to stop it and clean myself up. I'm keeping a journal here and hoping I can get some support along the way. A while ago, I would feel horribly embarrassed doing this, but I don't feel like that now. I know that if I'm going to quit P, I'm going to need some support. And this is the perfect place to start my journey :D

Day 0 - June 26

I start my journey today. From everything I've read as a guide to help quit P or something like that, I need to constantly distract myself so that I'm not thinking of P at all. That shouldn't be too hard. I've got a major test tomorrow. Good thing P won't be a distraction today. What happens during the summer will be another story. How should I distract myself then?

- W

[likeafish34]

Hi Wise

Don't feel embarrassed about writing in your journal. It's a good place to write about your feelings, to get advice from other members and it is a bit of a distraction.

My recommendation for finding ways of distracting yourself during the summer it to get out and do something in the real world. Meet people, have fun, exercise, do anything to keep yourself away from your computer.

Good luck,

Simon

[burnedout]

Welcome to the forums, W. You definitely have my support. The fact that you're doing something about this after only three years is an amazingly good sign. It took me forever.
John

[Wise]

Day 4 - June 30

You may have been a little bit worried about me, but rest assured that I'm okay. I had a very important test to study for and it paid off, as I was given the top marks award at my school. Score!

Firstly, I didn't even see that two people posted on this journal - thanks, you guys! Likeafish, thanks for posting, and I will be playing lots of sports this summer to get in shape and to keep myself distracted. burnedout, thanks for your support, but I can't take all of that credit. Now that I have a little bit more time to write here on the forums, it's time I reveal more layers to my history of P.

Okay, so it's first important to know that I am still very young (earlyish teens), and that I was even younger when I was first introduced to P. When I saw it for the first time, it was a simple mistake caused by a misclick on a somewhat trashy games site. I knew that what I was seeing was wrong, but I did kind of like it. Still, at the same time I was very much afraid that my parents would find out, so I swore off of it for a while. Very easily, I might add.

The next year, however, was different. I was stressed out about so many different things that I don't even remember clearly now. Either way, I went through some weird form of what I figured was depression, though I did later find out it was normal (it was just random stubborn-child anger, I believe. I wasn't suicidal or anything, believe me). However, at the time, I turned to P for comfort. Had I known that I probably would have been fine just talking to my parents about the problems I had on my mind, I'd have changed my decision in a heartbeat. But at a time where it felt like the whole world was against me, the contraband allure of P seemed like a pretty good idea to inwardly get back at everyone.

Eventually the problems were fixed and I was back on track emotionally... but the P was still there. I was hooked; what can I say? As sick as that sounds, I was young, and I was fascinated by P. When I got a little older (this is about last year, FYI), I started to get the impression that everyone looked at P (MB to P, etc.), and I started fooling myself, telling myself that I wasn't the only one who was like this. But in the back of my mind, I was always thinking, 'This isn't right. This is horrible. You need to stop." I would have done it, but the physical and mental pleasure that P brought me was too much. I wouldn't even have regrets after watching it.

And that brings me to today. Why have I suddenly decided to stop watching P? Well, it's confession time. It's not entirely just because of the desire to stop and to become clean (that desire has always been there; P's just always won out over it). The drive to get clean all of a sudden mainly stems from a particularly unsettling incident that occurred on Day 0.

I was at home, watching P, when I got a phone call. It was from some computer maintenance person - she had a thick accent so I couldn't entirely tell what she was saying, but it was something along the lines of 'information downloaded from your computer... may be potentially harmful' or something along those lines. Thank goodness I was home alone, otherwise my parents might have asked who called and why. It completely freaked me out.

In hindsight, I'm very lucky that person hasn't called back yet. You know, I'm not very religious, but I think that might have been a sign from God - I think that maybe he's sending that as a warning, but also as a signal. A signal to turn my life around and to stop lying to everyone. Some may criticize me for only starting to curb my addiction after I got that phone call, but I don't see it that way. I was able to stop and realize that I need to turn around immediately before anyone found out or before anyone got hurt. I know what I'm doing, and I have a somewhat vague idea of how to do it (I tried to quit once, and that attempt lasted only a week or so). Most importantly, the scary phone call always acts as a fail-safe in case I get an urge. Several times along this course of four days, I've had the thought 'hey, P would be a good idea right about now', but when I think about the phone call and how scared I was/the consequences that could arise if that person calls back... all desire for P vanishes. I'm not about to lie and say that I wasn't lucky that I was the one who received that call. But I am going to admit that the fear inspired by that call is a big advantage I can keep in my back pocket.

Either way, I made it for four straight days, and nothing serious has come up. No urges for P (on that same line of thought, no urges for MB either, but like I've said I'm strangely indifferent about MB. It just goes with P.) - sadly, that is normal for me. I've easily gone for a week or so without P due to time, but when I give in to the urge, I make it count. The trick will be repeating that easy week again. And again, and again, and again...

I suppose that I should have a goal to work towards instead of just using 'I want to be off P' as a goal. It's not going to be like that. Taking it day by day is crucial, but I might get too overconfident that way. So, my goal is to go a whole year without P. 365 days - only 361 to go! It seems like a mountain, but as the days pass, I'm hoping that it will be more of an anthill. After that one year, I should be confident enough to do another. And then another, and another...

My only concern at this point is that I won't even come close to that goal; that I'll fail miserably and come wildly short of my expectations. I know that HopeandDespair was having some major problems with his journey to sobriety, and I'm hoping that it isn't quite as hard as he made it seem. (No offense, of course! What you say is true... it's just that the truth worries me). But I don't really have another choice... that's okay, though! The fact that I am forced to rid myself of P is not bad at all. In fact, that phone call may very well have been the blessing of my life. I am turning the corner, and there's no turning back!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi Wise,

I am proud of you for figuring this out on your own and at such a young age. I have no problem understanding the lure of P for a young person. Before my problems with my husband, I really thought only teens or people in their young 20s without a relationship used P. It seems so juvenile to me.

I hope that this phone call is enough to scare you into quitting for good. But, I think the fear from that call will fade quickly if you don't do anything else to try and quit. Fear alone is not a good motivator.

Can you talk to your parents about this? Parents are often more understanding than you might think. Their support would be helpful and it is hard to hide recovery from an addiction. But, if not, there are other things you can do too. The best thing you can do,especially if you have your own computer is to put K9 or some other parental control type filter on your computer. Also, do you have a friend or someone who you can talk to? That can help too. Just being here is helpful, but even TTF is not a foolproof tool to keep you on the right track.

The best thing you can do at your age is look into anti-P literature. You have watched P enough to know what happens. Its not just pretty girls getting naked for a camera. Most of P shows women as objects to be used and degraded with no thoughts to them as actual human beings. P gives you the impression that women should always look perfact, always be in the mood, and get off easily just by having you near them. THis is not true at all. I hate to think of young people getting their ideas about what sx is and should be from P. You will be forever disappointed with a real girl if you expect her to be like a P star. And really, no one would ever want to be treated like a P star. P stars don't even like how they get treated.

I wish you well and strength in your recovery. I hope you won't ever need to be here as a 40 year old man who has no other choice because his wife is leaving him with the children.

[Wise]

Hi Wise,

I am proud of you for figuring this out on your own and at such a young age. I have no problem understanding the lure of P for a young person. Before my problems with my husband, I really thought only teens or people in their young 20s without a relationship used P. It seems so juvenile to me.

I hope that this phone call is enough to scare you into quitting for good. But, I think the fear from that call will fade quickly if you don't do anything else to try and quit. Fear alone is not a good motivator.

Can you talk to your parents about this? Parents are often more understanding than you might think. Their support would be helpful and it is hard to hide recovery from an addiction. But, if not, there are other things you can do too. The best thing you can do,especially if you have your own computer is to put K9 or some other parental control type filter on your computer. Also, do you have a friend or someone who you can talk to? That can help too. Just being here is helpful, but even TTF is not a foolproof tool to keep you on the right track.

The best thing you can do at your age is look into anti-P literature. You have watched P enough to know what happens. Its not just pretty girls getting naked for a camera. Most of P shows women as objects to be used and degraded with no thoughts to them as actual human beings. P gives you the impression that women should always look perfact, always be in the mood, and get off easily just by having you near them. THis is not true at all. I hate to think of young people getting their ideas about what sx is and should be from P. You will be forever disappointed with a real girl if you expect her to be like a P star. And really, no one would ever want to be treated like a P star. P stars don't even like how they get treated.

I wish you well and strength in your recovery. I hope you won't ever need to be here as a 40 year old man who has no other choice because his wife is leaving him with the children.

Thank you ma'am. :D

Now, I do not mean to cause any offense in telling you this (and please don't think that I'm just disregarding your idea... I had to put some thought into this reply) but I disagree with you in that telling my parents would be a good thing to do. Maybe later, but at this stage in my recovery, I don't have much to show for myself. After all, it is only day 4. I'm sure they would be supportive, but probably even more so later on in my journey.

A filter does sound like a very good idea, except there are plenty of people who access my laptop and I'm paranoid that they'd discover it. I definitely agree with you when you say that the fear isn't going to last forever, but while the fear may subside, I'm a) easily scared and b) this is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. As much as I made it sound like I was forced into this decision, there is still some genuine desire to rid myself of this addiction driving forth my progress. Being the young and foolish person that I am, perhaps I will find myself relapsing days from now and think twice about installing a filter. But for the time being, I'm going to stick with my strategy of constant distraction and see how that works out. Lastly, I have talked to Kids Help Phone about this before.

You did mention anti-P literature, and here's a surprising fact... I actually have read into the subject quite a bit. The only problem was that sometimes, in those choice articles, there were some statements defending P, and that only further got me fooling myself. However, I did retain enough useful information to apply it in this journey. Another surprising fact - I actually have a girlfriend. However, please believe me when I say this, I very much respect her and do not view her as a sex object in any way. An issue that brings up, though, is that I’m still too young for that sort of thing, so it's a matter of thinking 'that respect might not last long if my P addiction were to continue'. That’s why it’s important to stop now. I like her very much, but I don't want to start viewing her in an inappropriate way. In fact, she’s a very important reason I’m doing this. When days come where I feel that I’m not even worth the effort to try to stop the P addiction, I think of her instead. I think of how happy she would be if she knew that I made it to sobriety.

Day 5 – July 1

I had a horrible dream that I relapsed last night, and I awoke scared but relieved. Also, the other night, I had a dream that the thick-accented lady called me back… on my cell phone. Either this is normal at this stage, or I really need to find something to do to get my mind off of the P situation. Considering that I could have asked myself the same thing about my P addiction, I’m going to go with the latter reason. I need a hobby of some sort – my favorite video game is fun, but it’s not completely distracting per se. Perhaps a better option would be to get some more fresh air and meet up with friends. They can always take my mind off of P.

Either way, it’s still pretty early in the day. Summer has begun, and I’m not short of distractions but I can almost feel the urges starting to creep in. I just have to think: if I can make it for one week, I shouldn’t have problems making it another week. While some believe that overconfidence can be killer, I don’t see any problem with it. Where’s the problem in thinking, “You’ve already proved to yourself that you can make it this far. So do it again.”?

TTFN
- W

[Wise]

Day 5 - Part II

So far, so good. For some reason, the temptations to look at P have been minimal. Is this normal - is this absence of urges going to fade? Or did I catch the addiction early enough and at an early enough point in my life that I'll be better off than other people? We'll just have to wait and see.

I'm on the line of installing a filter on my computer - for the time being, breaking down isn't a concern. I'm still shaken up by the phone call and by the dream I had last night. Maintaining an optimistic view, that dream may have been a stroke of luck. It enabled me to experience the guilt that relapsing would cause, although I didn't actually do it... I mean, can I control my thoughts in a dream? Not sure. Maybe I'm just lying to myself, but the feelings of guilt and anger are definitely real.

I've got a little more time on my hands, so I might as well unfold a couple more layers of my life here. The way I see it, there are three main people, or groups of people, who are motivation to attain sobriety.

1. My parents - specifically my mother. Again, I am quite young, so my parents still control major aspects of my life. I'm at the stage where I'm starting to get a little more freedom, but not where it would be a stretch for my parents to uncover my P addiction if I wasn't careful. I'm not sure, but I think they might know about it from the past - once my mom caught me MB to P on my home computer (this was before I had a laptop), but it was very early in the morning and I was able to talk my way out of the situation. She didn't see the P. I doubt she remembers. My mother trusts me, and her discovering my addiction before I become sober would be a disaster. It would break all feelings of trust she has towards me. My dad is the computer expert of the family, and he'd be the one to find out through random history searches, if anyone. I don't see him as one to go snooping around, so I'm not as worried about him, but he tends to agree with everything my mother says. Hopefully, if my parents do find out about my battle with P, it's at a point where I've gone without it long enough to be proud of myself and to admit it to them willingly.

2. My friends: At my school, there's a particular atmosphere that everyone's 'educated' and that dirty jokes go around frequently. I understand pretty much every innuendo made by the jokers of the school, but I tend to blame it on one particularly dirty person who I am friends with (btw, he's not part of a 'bad' crowd, he's just 'educated' for some reason). My social life isn't very active, though it's not due to P or MB - I think that if I can attain sobriety, making friends will be easier because I won't be so wary of everyone and so nervous that they might uncover my secrets.

3. My girlfriend: Maybe one wouldn't consider her a 'girlfriend' at this point in life, but I still am in a typical teenage relationship with a wonderful SO for around a year. I don't view her as a sex object as I mentioned above, but that's only for the time being, and God knows how screwed up I might get if I continue to use P. I want to be sober so that I can be there for her mentally, without having to stop and think, 'Wait, is that the truth, or is your mind trailing to fantasies?' whenever I want to compliment her. She's strongly Christian and obviously would be devastated if she were to find out about my addiction. If I become sober, perhaps I can reveal the truth... but definitely not now.

I'm not a train-wreck social climber by any means. However, I might be if I allow my P addiction to continue and dominate my life, I might end up that way. My family, friends, and SO are all wonderful, and I know that they would be happy if they knew about the hidden side of my life. I want to do this so that there aren't any 'active' secrets left for me to hide from them.

Again, I'm not religious. But maybe God wanted me to change now. Maybe I'm too late, but I'm going to interpret the warnings as signals from Him. Maybe this site is heaven-sent, who knows. All I know is that it's time to change. May the minimal power I possess be enough to guide me to sobriety along the long road.

That's all for now. Be back tomorrow.

- W

[WayFarerNation]

I'll tell you that catching yourself where you are right now is like one of those game changers in life. If you can stick with it and figure out how to live your life without P, you will look back years from now and probably feel great about the decision. What has worked for me is to push through the barriers and keep going, even if you keep having wet dreams every week, or you just can't handle it and use P after a week or two of abstaining. It's like one of those hidden gifts you give to yourself that doesn't quite make sense in some ways right now, but may open up to you slowly over time. That's where I'm at with it, and I haven't used P for about a year and a half now. You end up naturally making changes in your life that don't involve P, which to me, can not be a bad thing.

Remember that taking the long term view with this is probably the best way to make it through. That and forgiving yourself if you can't do it perfectly from the start. I screwed up so many times the first 6 months. It's a LONG battle.

[2frustrated]

Your writing shows a level of maturity not often found among high schoolers. This means that you have a bright mind that you will hopefully use to your advantage. Clearly you are on the right track. I encourage you to, in addition to finding distractions, find ways to cultivate the soul that give you greater pleasure in virtue and knowledge than any physical pleasure could give.

To quote Plato (Phaedo): "I fear this is not the right exchange to attain virtue, to exchange pleasures for pleasures, pains for pains and fears for fears, the greater for the less like coins, but that the only valid currency for which all these things should be exchanged is wisdom."

[PER50NA]

hello W wow its creepy how much your journal sounds like me im probably around your age (im 19) and I can relate to alot of what you are talking about (k not the creepy phone call dream) but most of it is stuff that I could see my self saying. About the year goal I think its a great thing to have a goal to work towards but try not to get to caught up in it other wise it will really suck if you mess up feel free to shoot me a pm if you need any help with anything