sblong's Journal

[sblong]

It's Tuesday, June 21st, and I've been free of P for 5 days. I easily lose track. I had been going well without it, for a 2 week time period. My longest time spent P-free was 3 weeks, and that was during the height of an episode of limerence, which reminds me of one thing that P will never truly offer...

Today, again, it's 5 days P-free, and I've installed a filter that's also proven to give me some false positives, but now it doesn't bother me that much, I feel I've little to do on my computer aside from create my art; I find hobbies elsewhere. Interestingly, since I've installed the filters, my urge, that fire that burns within, seems to also be filtered, for P and MB, and I feel good. Clean, at peace, free of any guilty mind. Through this lesser degree of shame, I also feel more open with myself and open to enjoy the non-material happiness that comes from within. I hope I'll remain here. I still vividly recall my last relapse, and I remember the negative feelings I felt. In my sadness and frustration, I ended up making a DJ mix into which I channeled these feelings: failure, disgust, dissapointment, but finally, hope. Is the secret channeling ones emotions into other paths to curb the urge?

[WayFarerNation]

I've noticed that generally life has a way of showing me what I need to know when I need to know it. Your diffusion of the urge into more creative endeavors may be happening to show you the power of leaving the addiction behind.

[sblong]

It's now Independence Day, and I've already felt small facets of independence from P already. I am still P free but I also find myself thinking about it fairly often now, and I feel like I'm forgetting why I wanted to quit. I must remind myself often that I am here for a reason and that the effects of P are quite real. I've several measures within my computer to protect me from myself, and to conceptualize, I'm behind lock and key with the key entrusted to a friend in the event of false positives.

[WayFarerNation]

P and M takes my ability to know right from wrong and twists it up. I think about where my awareness should be focused, and the doubt behind quitting the use of P and M falls away.