Macul's Journal

[macul]

I am sad. Earlier this afternoon, my wife took a trip, for a little while (whatever that means) because she needs a break from me. Me and my porn addiction.



Two years ago, I received a call at work from my wife. She was crying. She asked why she found porn in the recycle bin on my computer desktop. I have been suffering from ED (I’m freakin 31) since we’ve been married and suddenly it all made sense to her. We had tried therapists together and separately, I lied to all of them and said I must have a lower sex drive. I knew this wasn’t the case, I could MB to porn at least once a day if I wanted to. I would try to go to bed later or earlier to avoid sexual contact.


Well, this was a turning point to my life. At least it was at the time. I made the resolution to quit and made an appointment with a therapist and wanted to change my life. I really wanted to kick the habit. I did ok for a while, maybe a few months, then the “Well, once and a while can’t hurt” attitude kicked in. I am in the military, and I was stationed away from my wife for five months almost 5 hours away. We saw each other on the weekends, but I began to fall into my old habits. I felt horrible afterwards, as I am learning many felt after reading about this. Guilty for betraying my wife and myself, and shame. After this 5 month period, the military sent me on a deployment for a year. Being alone in a foreign county with a job I didn’t like and too much free time wasn’t good and I began to get back into the habit.



Now for the stats: The last time I looked at P and MB was the middle of may, 28 days ago. The last time my wife and I had sex (and I had an orgasm) was Monday, so 3 days ago. I am going with the rebooting program on yourbrainonporn.com and I will go 60 days with no PMO. I also want to find a sex therapist to help me through this. That's the plan for now, I hope to keep reading and get help and figure out a way to go from there.



I feel better than I did when I started writing this, but only a little. I guess that’s a start. I have to go to bed now, and the house feels very empty. I hope it is not too late to salvage my marriage. We have been discussing divorce seriously over the past week; and it is killing me. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I really want to, need to, fix my issues.



Well, this is why I am here. I want to write more about my history later, to help me explore it more.

[waterlily327]

Hey Macul, I am glad you found TTF! I am actually an SO, and my BF, Rockinastorm, is here as well. If your wife would be interested, suggest she join TTF...I have found an amazing amount of support here. I also suggest that you read through a lot of the recovery journals and even some of the SO journals to get an idea of the deeper impacts P has on both partners.

I have to ask you: are you are just here to save your marriage, or if you are here for yourself? I have noticed that many PA's who come here only to salvage a relationship don't succeed because they don't want it enough. If that is why you're here right now, its a wonderful start...that is how my BF and I started here...but it might not be enough to sustain your recovery. However, if you are here because you want it for yourself, and the motivation comes from within you, you will have a successful (though possibly rocky) journey. For my BF, that clicked about a month after being on TTF and he realized he needed to change no matter what happened with our relationship because he wanted a better life, and by bettering himself, he could be the man he always wanted to be.

Some tips from an SO here: sit down with your wife and talk to her about everything. Lies or secrets that come out later will probably destroy all the trust you are working to build. Talk to her about what you are doing to change. Let ALL your walls come down, don't hold anything in, and don't be afraid to show her how much she means to you. From your post, I can tell you care about her deeply. Offer her a part in your recovery (i.e. therapy, TTF, etc.) but don't push it on her. Get an internet filter and, if you wife is willing, give her the password and let her hook the system up to her email even if it is on your computer. (I have found K-9 is free and works well).

Congrats on being P-free for 28 days! That is quite an accomplishment...Phil has a 100 Day Challenge set up, which is a great way to monitor progress if you are interested in joining! I wish you all the best in your recovery, and I hope that TTF offers you the healing environment you are looking for!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

macul

Again I would like to welcome you here to TTF

Though I don't like that you are here, I am very happy that you are. this is a new start, for a new life, without this addiction in it.

If you are here to get support and encouragement for this addiction, then my friend, you are in the right place. We are here to do our best to help you, the best that we can. the one thing that you need to no right now, is that many here, who are trying to help you, will not sugarcoat this addiction. At times, you may feel that we are being harsh with you in our words, but that is no way what it is. All we are going to do, is try to make you realize, just how powerful this addiction is, and it will come to you, at anytime, to get you to give in, for the one little peek at it.

As you may already beware of, this addiction, is with us, no matter what we do in life. everywhere we go, we can and will be confronted with many triggers. So what needs to be done, is for you to learn just what your triggers are, and work on a plan NOW to know how you are going to handle them, WHEN they do come around

Another important thing is, making sure that you can not get to any of this crap on your computer, phone, I pad, or anything else that you have access to the internet. this is why, I say, you should put a filter on theses items, so you cant not have a chance, to sure to your OLD favorite sites.

If you have any files that contains videos, pics, DELETE them NOW. if you don't do it now, I will assure you, that you will look at them, when the urge does come around, and it will come around.

waterlily touched on this, and she said it very well to you. If you are to even have a chance of freeing yourself from this for good, It has to be in YOUR HEART, to stop this. You said that you truly do want to spend the rest of your life with your wife, I am glad to hear that. If this is the case, then prove it to not only you, but prove it to your wife, that you want her, you Love her, you cherish her, you only need her in your life. Right now, she doesn't even feel like a woman, because of what this addiction has done to her.

As part of your recovery, make sure she is included in it. what I mean by this, make sure you are there for her when she needs to talk, and when this happens, make sure that you LISTEN to her, 100% she needs to be able to tell you how she feels, and it wont do any good if you get defensive with her, in what she is saying. Remember, you caused all of this, and you brought this addiction, into your home, so it affects all who are in your home

I want to see you fighting this addiction, and getting a firm grip on it NOW. take control of your life, show this addiction, just who is in charge of your Body, Mind, and HEART

You can do this, if it is what you truly want. you are not alone here with this problem. As long as you are willing to help yourself, then we will be able to help you also

Keep writing here in your journal, and let us know what is going on, GOOD or BAD

Read through the other journals, so you can see what it is, they are doing, to help them get this out of there lives for good.
Also, read through the SO's journal, this way, you will be able to see how this addictions, affects there lives, and they are only victims of it.

Good luck to you. you already have a good start, with 28 days free from this, so lets start adding more days

[macul]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. It will definitely help to know others are reading my journal and it is good to be with others that understand.



Waterlily327, thanks for your thoughtful comments. When I was talking to my wife last week and we were talking about splitting up, I told her and myself I was doing this regardless of what happens in our marriage. I think I was “quitting” two years ago just to save my marriage and get her off my back, and that didn’t work out so well. I understand this is something I have to do for myself, and I really hope my wife sticks around for the new me. But honestly, after trying to quit, lying to her again, and going through this again, I don’t blame her for wanting to leave me. I feel much more focused and determined this time. Also, your BFs journal was one of the first I read, and stories like that help guide me. I also have been talking with my wife about everything, and I think that will be what really sustains me.



IN NEED OF HELP, thanks also for your comments. I have taken care of the files on my computer and I am involving my wife with all of this. I keep my computer room windows open and more brightly lit, I don’t want it to be a dark, private cave again.


The past two days have been full of ups and downs. For the most part, I’m doing ok, but I am still feeling the pull during my bored and lonely times to what I used to do. This morning, I was really feeling it, but I got up and worked out instead. Surprisingly, to me at least, I felt much better a half hour later. I’m feeling good now, and I have been keeping busy. I want to keep busy during the days and not act like I’m trying to get over porn all day, but I also want to keep focused. I still have fantasies in my mind pop up a lot, but I am aware of them as triggers and deal with it. I still feel pretty good.