Harder than hec!

[paulmor909]

Coming up a week away from 8 months, but it's been as hard lately than it was since the start. Ohh how I loved months 2-6, besides from a few rocky bumps, I felt almost delivered! But since than, it's been bloody hell. Thoughts about P and S always coming into my mind. I cant seem to shake it, but I've fought it. I wanted to go to a recovery group, but my wife doesn't want me going out of town on Sunday night (we go to church). It's really like the devil calling you (again and again and again). Most areas of my life feel under control, I'm not moved to do wrong (something against my conscious, morals, or addictive behavior). I'm doing well with food also! But P is different, it doesn't let go! Those 37 years can't be forgotten, the memories, the feelings, the rush, and so on. This is one helluva a tough addiction people! God see me through!

[JenMac]

Gee Paulmor, I find this post a little unsettling. Hard for me to wrap my head around being away from P for that length of time and still having such a strong pull for it. I wonder if you need to do more in way of educating yourself about the harms and truth of the industry? Perhaps that would lead to you feeling more of a distaste for what you had been part of? Maybe you have already done that? I just know that that had a powerful affect for my H Mac. Once he understood the abuses and degradation in the industry it made it very hard for him to think of that time in his life without a LOT of discomfort. Perhaps there is more to be learned for you to be more comfortable in your recovery.
I commend your honesty in this! Honesty is so very important!
Keep going strong! Do what you need to do to put this behind you for good!
Jenn

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Paulmor... I certainly understand what your saying about all those years but I don't even like calling them memories or feelings because I don't want to give them that much importance in my life! They were rather like habitual cravings that went unchecked until I was finally brought into the light by my wife's diligence and then I truly was delivered... I've said it before but she saved my life because it was slowly sliding away from me!

This stuff seems to come at you in waves where sometimes you can be riding high on a good wave and suddenly you slide down and the next wave looks like a bad one! ...those are the ones you just have to be aware of and ride out. I'd say you've been doing just that with 8 months just ahead so congratulations on your success to date! ...certainly nice to hear!

Stay aware, keep the faith and may you find the strength in this journey... even in the rough seas!

[Disillusioned]

Hi Paulmor909,
I haven't seen you post here before, and see that you joined in Oct. 2010. I am sad that you find yourself here with the rest of us, PAs and their partners.

Your posting struck a chord with me, as my husband has been involved for the same amount of time or even longer. I don't think he takes it as seriously as he should. He says he is 90% porn free now. He also agreed some time ago that he is a PA, but now says he isn't. I just know that I was absolutely floored when all his activities came out, as he is the cleanest, most decent man.

Please don't give up. It's so important to the health of your marriage that this modern plague is eliminated from your life.. There are a lot of articles here that can give you information as to what kind of people profit from the misery we are all enduring, how the brain becomes addicted to something external that we look and MB to. How it interferes with the normal responses between a man and a woman, changes a man's expectations in normal s-x. But, even more, the site offers the support and wisdom of many souls who have gone the same way you have and are still struggling.

You might want to read the article under general discussion by Dr. Donald Hilton, a neurosurgeon from Texas who explains what changes in the brain when it is exposed to P and becomes 'addicted.' You will better understand the monster you are fighting and why it is harder to recover from than some other addictions.

God bless you and give you strength as you continue your recovery. If you even consider relapsing, picture the hurt and confusion in your wife and your childrens' eyes. You are the head of their family, and as the head, you need to be present as much as possible, not in the dishonest LALA Land that is P.
disillusioned

[Teemo]

Paulmor,

It looks like you and I have about the same number of years of this addiction controlling our lives. I hope to be able to keep following your journal. You seem fully dedicated to recovery. You have a great way of describing both the benefits of sobriety and the fierceness of temptation.

Teemo

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Paulmor

Nice to see you back and posting. I am going to be 55 in august, and had been looking at different types of mags since I was about 12. so I do know about, how all of the years with this stuff, can make it hard to recovery. it is encouraging to see you at almost 8 months.

I have been clean just a little over 6 months. yes I have had, some major temptations, and a matter of fact, I got so low today, that I almost gave in. but the temptations, I have, are so far and in between. I guess I just don't understand why you still struggle as much as you do.

I noticed that you don't come here for months at a time, and I am just wondering, that maybe you need to do more in your recovery??. just may be something for you to look at. we all just want to see you doing better, and getting this crap out of your life.

I do hope that you come around more, and keep up with this journal. maybe this road you are on, will get a little smoother for you.

I wish you the best in this recovery. Good luck to you

Gerald

[paulmor909]

I think I was close to the edge no doubt about it. Gerald is right, much of my support had been dropped. I lost communication with my accountability partner a while back, lost my email sponsor about a month ago, and stopped coming to the forums around the same time. I have a hard time asking for help (pride), especially when sometimes people dont seem to want to talk or respond. It was very helpful however, writing down my struggle and getting some encouragement! I have not yielded to P and M though! But I think part of me was already planning it like a second person inside me intending to do exactly what I dont want to do. This has always been the hideous and impressive thing with P&S addiction that you know doing it is wrong, you dont want to do it (relapse or act out), than you turn around and do it anyway! That's nuts, and I went through this cycle for years unable to ever break the cycle. This is the FIRST time in 37 years (since I started) that I've been able to stop the habit and live clean from P (any form) and M of course (which goes hand in hand). I feel better now, several steps back from the edge and with God's help and others I will stay clean and continue my new life! Indeed relapse must never be an option!

[JenMac]

Hi Paulmor!
So glad you are here and that you have found the support to help you through a difficult time! Yes there are certainly times when we feel a little less support than others, but generally I have found that when we make the time to be here, the support will be there for us.
You have come a long way Paulmor! Keep going strong!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hello Paulmor

It was nice to see you here posting. I like that you are doing better this time in your recovery. I will admit, that I feel so much better than I have in so many years, about myself. I think the reason why is,(well I don't think, I know the reason is) that I am finally living a life that does not include this addiction, to be in it. I want to see you feeling good about yourself now. you have gone a while in your life, and you are free from this addiction during that time.

I know, that in order to get a grip on our recovery, we do need to feel that someone is listening to us, and that they do give a damn about us. you say that you don't like to ask for help, because of pride. why would you feel bad to ask for help from us here. it is no like, the rest of us here are angels, and we do nothing wrong. Hell my friend, we are Addicts just like you. we want you to ask for help, because if we cant help you, then you will never get help.

I want to see you coming around here more if you can. I want to see, if we can help you in staying on track with this addiction. I feel that if you do come around more, asking for help, you will get it. I know that it can get discouraging, when no one posts in our journals. I wont lie, it bothers me at times, when I can write something, and it just sits there and gets lost on this site. The thing is though, we shouldn't feel that no one wants to help. everyone here has there own struggles to deal with. so at times, we are so wrapped up in what we are going through, we don't find the time, to look through the posts, and write some encouraging words to others here. I am so guilty of this myself, and so many times, I have neglected my responsibility here , in trying to help someone.

I want to try to post more in your journal, so I can try to help you. I may get behind in it at times, but I will do all that I can, to support you the best that I can.
But I would like to see you coming here more. Good or bad, we need to write in our journal. this is the only way, that we are able to keep our thoughts down, and share with the rest what we are going through.

I feel that you are doing good, because you do have 8 months under your belt, of being clean from this. but I wont lie to you. I do get a little concerned, that you are still struggling hard at times. I just feel, that getting rid of this addiction, should be a little less struggle for you, in your recovery.

Another thing that can help you is, try to help other with there struggles more here. when you share a thought in someones journal, it not only help them in there recovery, but you are also, helping yourself in your recovery.

We just want to see this recovery, getting better for you my friend. we are here for you, and we will do all that we can, to get you through all of the rough times, that we all go through when it comes to this addiction.

hope to see you soon. Keep strong my friend. you are not alone here

[paulmor909]

I've kinda been pulled in and out of the struggle recently. Good days and than a bad one here or there. It's the memory thing, when your busy and have your mind of productive things, you dont think about P so much. I believe these are all phases of recovery, some are easier and some are harder! But I believe you can relapse mentally which is about what I did. Part of me was probably planning the relapse but the OTHER part of me DID NOT want to really do it. I know 100% once it starts, down that road you go and I may never get off of it again. 37 years was proof of that, I doubt I have that many more years to live, lol! But I believe part of my problem lately has been Lust and S urges and I still haven't been able to get the idea of P OUT of my experience. I still think of P as part of it and it IS NOT anymore! I'm done with that (one day at a time) and I want to stay on the new path!