clearmind recovery journal

[clearmind]

Day 0
I am a medical student that just finished his 2nd year of classes. I have a wonderful wife and daughter who support me even when I am gone all the time studying. I have had a problem with porn for a few years. It started out because of "curiosity" and I still continue to use that lame excuse to keep viewing it.
I had a wonderful childhood and have no issues in my marriage or with my wife (or her body). I actually and very turned on by my wife, which makes this even more frustrating. I feel like I am just viewing porn just to view it. It isn't really replacing anything I think I am missing in my life. I guess that it has become more of a stress scape-goat more than anything. I find the feelings coming on strongest when I am stressed for a big test coming up. I wish it were just in those situations that I feel a strong urge, but it isn't. I feel it almost as strong on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. When things have been really great and I haven't looked for a while, for some reason I feel like I "deserve" to look for a second. So it is either that i need to relieve myself from stress or reward myself.
I know that it sounds stupid, but that is the point that it has come too. I want to stop fooling myself.
I just got done viewing porn not but 15 min ago. I decided that was the last straw and that I need to officially participate on this wonderful site.
I want to report in as often as possible to read articles/advice as well as report to myself (and everyone else of course) the progress I make each day. I can't wait to count how many days go by being free of this! To be able to say that its been days, weeks, months and years free is my goal.
I'm not naive to the fact that it will be hard and I also know that this site alone isn't going to be the end all answer, but with some other changes (studying scriptures and prayers daily, etc) I know I'll have the best chance for success.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Wow u r fast. I just finished posting in your new member post. so all I can say now, again, welcome to TTF

[WayFarerNation]

I remember how that feeling of just wanting to end the habit got so strong that I just wanted it to stop. I think that feeling is critical and always remembering it will help you. It did for me, about the fifth time I felt it, and it got worse every time because of the added effect of failing myself.

Try to put yourself in for the long-haul, I mean years. And try to remember to forgive yourself as much as possible. These are the things that worked and are still working (the problem of stress never goes away) for me. I still slip up sometimes and I have to forgive myself for it, otherwise I start to lose the motivation to try because it hurts too much.

[Teemo]

clearmind,

Welcome to TTF! If you have already done some reading on this site, especially in the journals, you know it can be done. You don't have to stay stuck in this mess. But it will very likely take a large effort, a many-faceted plan, and some face-to-face support and accountability. I think In Need Of Help has already told you how important a filter is to put some space between you and the instant supply of porn. I'll be looking for your reports of progress. You will be glad you faced this and got started.

Teemo

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Clearmind... sorry you to hear that you're caught up in this garbage but this site really does have a bunch of open and honest folks who don't mind giving you the time or the plain old truth even if it hurts. The single best thing that enabled me to never act out again was the support of my wife! Maybe if you try and put your self in her shoes and imagine what it would feel like to discover what you've been doing? Let me tell you my friend it's very damaging to her and your marriage... very damaging indeed! So if you want to truly put this crap behind you then you have to be very clear about it and quit before your wife has to bear that trauma of finding out the truth about the guy she devoted her life to!

Sorry if that's a bit harsh but I'm trying to help you and you seem to understand it pretty well already and the sooner you quit the better!

[clearmind]

Day 1
First day through without a glitch. I managed to stay quite busy today in good things, so I didn't even have my mind wander to P and M. Feels so good! It's just one day, but I'll take it (need to start somewhere):-)

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Day 1
First day through without a glitch. I managed to stay quite busy today in good things, so I didn't even have my mind wander to P and M. Feels so good! It's just one day, but I'll take it (need to start somewhere):-)

One day my friend, is a very huge step. the old us, would use everyday, so when we become just one day free from this addiction, it is a mile stone for us. for us, just remember, it is just "ONE DAY AT A TIME"

Keep up with the good work

[clearmind]

Day 8
It has been a few days since my last post and I'm glad to say that I am still going strong! I haven't written for a while because I have been so busy. I haven't even had time to get on the internet for more than to just check my emails. Honestly, I think that is way it hasn't been that bad for me to make it over a week P and MB free. The busier I am the more time I don't have to allow my thoughts to wonder and become fixated on bad things. It is when I have more time on my hands and am just browsing around the internet that I get caught up in all this garbage. Instead of wasting my time away on porn I have been enjoying my wife and daughter. Life is so much better this way. I know that hard times are still ahead, but I'm glad that I have made it over a week now.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Day 8
Instead of wasting my time away on porn I have been enjoying my wife and daughter. Life is so much better this way. I know that hard times are still ahead, but I'm glad that I have made it over a week now.

Spending time with your Loved one, is always better than all of the time, we spent on our addiction. Just keep doing this, and keep this attitude, and you will not ever have time, for this addiction.
I am glad to see that you are doing good my friend

[clearmind]

Day 12,
I can not believe how busy my life has become. The thing is is that I am happy that it is so busy. My life is filled with all good things right now. I am still clean and have not been too extremely tempted. I love to see how far I have come in this short amount of time. To see those numbers sober increase day after day is so motivating and satisfying! I feel horrible whenever i slip and I know that I am back at day 0. To start all over again after having however many days behind me is so disappointing. I don't want to experience that again and I am going to try my best not to let my guard down. I really am glad that I am busy even though it means that I can't participate in this site as much as I would like, but as long as I am staying away from pornography than I am fine with that:)