eric246 Journal

[eric246]

Hello. I am a 21 year old male who has struggled with P and Cyber S for 7-8 years now. What started out as casual P viewing, like most of you know, has turned into a lustful fantasy for older women and women in relationships. Society has not been very helpful, putting TV shows on the air that make that type of fantasy seem normal. I currently struggle more with Cyber S because it allows me to talk with real women instead of knowing it's fake.

I do not want to have this unhealthy fantasy or lust anymore. I come from a very loving family where my parents have been married over 30 years, and my grandparents over 50, and I feel as if through my fantasy I am belittling the importance of relationships and marriage all together. I have never dated, partially because of all this, and partially because of my approach anxiety, but I need to overcome it all to get on the right path to a healthy lifestyle.

The longest I've quit for is a month, and I then let it slowly creep back into my life with thoughts that snowball and bring you right back where you started.

My goals are:
- Read the bible and motivational material daily
- Keep my mind busy with work or hobbys
- Start talking with more people, giving them compliments in public instead of being shy, forcing myself to be social
- Ask a girl at church out on a date
- Do yoga to release stress every day

So, let day 1 begin!

[edjames71]

Eric246,

Welcome to TTF. I'm so sorry you are here but honestly it's a wonderful place to get support and help you in your recovery. I can tell you first hand recovery isn't easy but is well worth it. I like the person I am now.

There are many people here who have been sober for a long time. They are a great resource.

Again....welcome. You can do it.

[eric246]

Got the K9 filter for my main computer. I wish I could get a free one for my laptop too, but I think having it on this computer should be enough. I also made the password hard to remember and wrote it down, put it in a drawer, and put my bible on top of it. I feel like that should be enough to stop me from going back.

[2frustrated]

You've made some great steps toward recovery. Keep visiting this site and keep us posted on your progress.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Got the K9 filter for my main computer. I wish I could get a free one for my laptop too, but I think having it on this computer should be enough. I also made the password hard to remember and wrote it down, put it in a drawer, and put my bible on top of it. I feel like that should be enough to stop me from going back.

Welcome to TTF

You have some good goals set out for you, and you have made so good steps, in freeing yourself from this addiction. I am glad that you put K9 on your computer. we need all we can, to find a way to not being able to get to our old sites, and feeding our addiction.

Just keep coming here, and posting in your journal, and you will be ok. the good thing is, that you are not alone in this, because there are many here, willing to help you the best that they can.

Why is it, that you cant get a free K9 for your laptop?

[eric246]

Welcome to TTF

You have some good goals set out for you, and you have made so good steps, in freeing yourself from this addiction. I am glad that you put K9 on your computer. we need all we can, to find a way to not being able to get to our old sites, and feeding our addiction.

Just keep coming here, and posting in your journal, and you will be ok. the good thing is, that you are not alone in this, because there are many here, willing to help you the best that they can.

Why is it, that you cant get a free K9 for your laptop?

Well, I thought you were only allowed one license, but it turns out I was wrong since it's one license per computer for personal use. Ironically, I thought I'd be fine without having one on my laptop, and I ended up convincing myself to go back to the Cyber S site already and failed. Obviously, I quickly acted afterwards to see if I could get another filter for the laptop and I realized I could. I am going to make today my official day 1 because of it. I put both my passwords, which I purposely made long, far from my computers and under a bible. I feel like it would be too much of a hassle and give me a lot of time to realize what I'm doing. So far so good!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Well, I thought you were only allowed one license, but it turns out I was wrong since it's one license per computer for personal use. Ironically, I thought I'd be fine without having one on my laptop, and I ended up convincing myself to go back to the Cyber S site already and failed. Obviously, I quickly acted afterwards to see if I could get another filter for the laptop and I realized I could. I am going to make today my official day 1 because of it. I put both my passwords, which I purposely made long, far from my computers and under a bible. I feel like it would be too much of a hassle and give me a lot of time to realize what I'm doing. So far so good!

Glad you was able to get it on the other computer. as you already found out, you cant beat this addiction, without the right tools. and K9 should be a part of everyone's tools. caulk this one up, for a lesson well learnt, and get right back on track with your recovery

As long as the password will be at a place that you would not want to go get it, then that is good. if you find yourself wanting to get it, then change the location for it

[eric246]

Well, I can't believe I started this thread almost 2 weeks ago. I thought giving this up would be easy, but it seems like attempting to give it up and block it made me want it even more. I tried hiding the passwords, but ended up going and getting them. I tried cutting them up and placing them in different places, still ended up going and getting them. I was depressed with myself to the point that I started to not care anymore and started to just give in. I still tried to go out and be social, but knowing I could come back to my addiction made it hard to do so, and tonight I ended up binging on it again, for probably around 4 hours total. I decided I can't take having this in my life anymore and found an online friend that would have the accounts set to their email (so I couldn't do forgot password and get temp passwords), and I shredded the passwords I had written down.

I never thought I was addicted as I was, but apparently the only time I could give it up was when I had a cold 3 weeks ago. I'm hoping now that I literally have no way around the filter, that I can finally start my road to recovery and posting here on how I'm feeling every day. I'm now making it an everyday necessity to write in this journal, as well as my social activity progress in a separate one.

[eric246]

Day 1, and I'm feeling pretty good, although I know as the week goes on I will probably miss it. I am going to a social church group tomorrow, so that should help keep my mind active and get me out of the house; Maybe even meet a girl! :)

[eric246]

Haven't posted in a few days, but everything is going well! Knowing I have a filter and can't access those sites has been keeping me pretty contained. I've had some urges to go back, but knowing it's not possible allows me to change my thoughts instead of acting on them.