my return to humanity

[ugly early]

I will post honestly what i think will be helpful to myself and others concerning my recovery from addiction.

It has helped me realizing that my recovery is not just reading, journaling, meetings, therapy, etc., but everything i think, and do, every waking moment.

I have been sober from porn addiction for 5 months now, and earlier in my recovery i had 6 month, and 17 month clean periods. Withdrawal from the porn high has proven to be formidable.

I like the 12 step programs (I have 6 years clean from alcohol), and am active in SAA.
As an inpatient in an Arizona multi-addictional facility in 2005 i learned that it didn't really matter what the addiction was, only that there was need.

With porn i became a person that didn't really seem like me.....almost inhuman. I was only interested in finding quick fix solutions to my pain and fear. I made all kinds of excuses and rationalizations to myself as to why what i did was okay.

What has worked for me has been to connect with other people that are serious about getting better.

Getting honest and looking in the mirror is not easy.....judging others was easy.
Connecting with the good in myself, and others is not easy.....using porn as an escape was easy.
Facing life head on, and holding myself accountable for my actions (or INactions) isn't easy........living life in fantasy is.

I now have a loving wife, and 2 precious daughters that give me everything to live for...... BUT......I know if i don't keep working on my recovery, and believing in myself, it will all come crashing down.

I don't have all the answers, but i know that i don't need to .......... i just need to remember that escape through porn is cowardly, and it does not work. It is a lie ...... a mirage ....... fools gold ........ a virtual life.

I do not wish to have my opportunity to live my life wasted on living without loving.

[rosie]

Wow, welcome, great post!

I do not wish to have my opportunity to live my life wasted on living without loving.

Oh, I have said this to my husband countless times. I cannot even imagine a life where there was no connection and love. I would not want to live such a life.

Take care and please keep sharing :)

[JenMac]

What has worked for me has been to connect with other people that are serious about getting better

Hi UE!
Welcome to TTF! You have come to the best place to find what you are looking for! There are many here very serious about recovering from this intrusion in their llives!
Sounds like you are on a good path already and by coming here and finding others who can offer support to you while also giving support to others, you will aid your recovery even more so! My H Mac and I have been here for over a year now and have found TTF to be a true blessing in our lives! I don't know where we would be without it! It has been an integral part of saving our 34 year old marriage.
Perhaps you would invite you wife to join us as well, as there are many partners here who help each other through difficult times as well as cheer us on when we are doing well.
HOpe you will visit often UE! Look forward to learning more about you!!
All the best!
Jenn

[ugly early]

thanks for the replies, i feel welcomed....it is so nice to find this site.

I feel that i cant afford to let any tools of recovery go unused.

[stillandagain]

Welcome! I hope you will keep posting and sharing those precious "tools for recovery."

[mforward]

It's very true. What isn't easy brings the most reward. It's funny because I really relate to how hard it is to look in the mirror and face yourself. It's the most important thing in life to do.

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.” - Buddha

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I will post honestly what i think will be helpful to myself and others concerning my recovery from addiction.

I have been sober from porn addiction for 5 months now, and earlier in my recovery i had 6 month, and 17 month clean periods. Withdrawal from the porn high has proven to be formidable.

I like the 12 step programs (I have 6 years clean from alcohol), and am active in SAA.


With porn i became a person that didn't really seem like me.....almost inhuman. I was only interested in finding quick fix solutions to my pain and fear. I made all kinds of excuses and rationalizations to myself as to why what i did was okay.

What has worked for me has been to connect with other people that are serious about getting better.

Getting honest and looking in the mirror is not easy.....judging others was easy.
Connecting with the good in myself, and others is not easy.....using porn as an escape was easy.
Facing life head on, and holding myself accountable for my actions (or INactions) isn't easy........living life in fantasy is.

I now have a loving wife, and 2 precious daughters that give me everything to live for...... BUT......I know if i don't keep working on my recovery, and believing in myself, it will all come crashing down.

I don't have all the answers, but i know that i don't need to .......... i just need to remember that escape through porn is cowardly, and it does not work. It is a lie ...... a mirage ....... fools gold ........ a virtual life.

I do not wish to have my opportunity to live my life wasted on living without loving.

I would like to give you a belated welcome

It is good that you came here for the help and support that you need, that we ALL need. you will see that we are a loving caring family, that will do all that we can to help you in your recovery. I also have 5 months clean now from this addiction, but it was not easy getting there. I feel that the only way that I made it this far, was not only from the help that I get here, but also from the help I get at my SAA meeting.
It seems to me that you have a good recovery plan in store, and that you use it the best that you can. without working our recovery plan, we will for sure lose this battle with this addiction. As I found out in the past few weeks, we can not get lazy in our recovery, because if we do, so of our old thinking can come back to us, and it is harder for us to fight this beast, that is out to destroy us, at any time that he feels he can get to us.

All I can suggest to you, is to come here as much as you can, and post here in your journal. this way, we will be able to see what you are going through, and we may be able to help you with your struggles. All we want to see, is you free from this addiction, and for you to become that person that you truly want to be. we can no longer live as the person that we use to be, when we where living our addictive life

I wish you the best in your recovery. All of us can fight this crap together. It is a wonderful feeling, knowing that none of us, are here alone in this fight.

I hope to see you soon.

[ugly early]

"Unexpressed feelings provide fuel for all addictions". -P. Carnes from Facing the Shadow

I must find myself that was lost so long ago. I do not know who I am because I have been running away from my authentic self and reality.
Filling the gap left by all the time and energy spent on porn is a formidable task. Without hope of replacing the feeling of control, and that level of intensity, I must keep moving forward and never give up hope. I can't go back ...... but expect the call of the addiction won't be fading away soon.

[mell]

Hi UE and welcome to TTF!

Very nice intro and posts. You know what you need to do, we all do, it is just a matter of buckling down and doing it, without fail. The gaps can all be filled with better things, but the addiction will always be there, ready for a moment of weakness.

We are all worthy of the gifts of recovery. Keep coming back and keep posting. It helps all of us.

[ugly early]

We are only as sick as our secrets.

I can only hope that my every action will be one that can be shared with those I love.

Knowing what I need to do is easy.....doing it is another matter.

My best hope is to never give up hope.