edjames71 Recovery Journal

[edjames71]

So I'm new to this site and glad to be here....I really need the support.

I'm a sex addict and my addiction has taken a huge toll on my marriage. My wife of 15 years can't see us getting back together. I have damaged the trust she had for me badly. I'm working hard on my recovery with the help of a therapist and a 12 step program.

So today was an emotional day for me. I was on an emotional cliff. I have taken the fact my wife can't see us together very hard but today....it was time for me to give my Step One reading. I cried as I read the whole thing. A lot of very painful memories were in there. I feel a little better now.

The uncertainty of my marriage is always on my mind. Like I said....she can't see us ever being together again but for some reason....I just can't let go. I don't know why....maybe it's love.

[mell]

Hi Ed and welcome to TTF.

Glad to see you are in a 12 step group. SAA has been a huge blessing in my own recovery. I found that after I gave my first step, it was kind of a sign to the group that I was serious. Have you found a sponsor yet? One of the keys to 12 steps is to have that one on one support.

As far as your marriage goes, it will be up to your wife whether she decides to try to save it or not. Please focus on your recovery. This is what she needs to see. And no matter what happens with the marriage, please keep recovering for yourself.

Hope to read more from you. Best wishes to you and your family.

[edjames71]

Mell,

Yes I have a sponser. The 12 step program has been very helpful. No matter what happens with my marriage I plan on stay with my recovery. I know whether my marriage ends is up to her. For the first time in my marrriage I'm serious about recovery. I do pray she takes me back but I'm doing this for me.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Great post Ed.
I can see that this recovery is in your heart to do it. I just want to see you come as far as you can in your recovery. I just needed to make sure that you are doing this for you, because it is what you want. I do hope for the best for you and your wife. the one thing that truly upsets me in this addiction, is what it does to the ones that we dearly love.

I have just destroyed my SO of 11 years. it has been 5 months since it was brought to lite about my actions, and I still do not know where we stand in our relationship. we have had a wonderful month, then poof, she is hurt again, and now, she cant stand me. we are putting them through a very emotional roller coaster ride, one day they are ok, and the next, there hearts are on the ground again.

I hope that good things come out of this for you Ed. I hope that you can be with your wife for the rest of your lives. It is going to take a lot of hard work, but with the wonderful attitude that you have about your recovery, and about your wife, you are already on the path to a very happy life with your wife.

Good luck to you Ed

[aaronleong]

Ed -- hang in there. Keep your wife close, because once their switch is turned off, it's very, very hard to get them back. Be consistent with your change, because that's what any spouse is looking for. Not the promise of change, or short term ones, but consistency. Action, action, action. Even though my wife has filed and has left the house with our son, I still work on being consistent with my changes. Like I said it's really, really hard for her to notice these changes now, because she's on the other side of the fence, but there's always hope and possibilities, you know?

[edjames71]

Thank you aaronlong and I need help. I apprecate the kind words.

As for my recovery....yes it is for me. I'm going to beat this addiction. I'm going to do what ever it takes. I owe it to myself.

I know my wife doubts that this time I'm serious about it but I am. I let my addiction consume me and hurt the ones I love. That will never happen again.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Thank you aaronlong and I need help. I apprecate the kind words.

As for my recovery....yes it is for me. I'm going to beat this addiction. I'm going to do what ever it takes. I owe it to myself.

I know my wife doubts that this time I'm serious about it but I am. I let my addiction consume me and hurt the ones I love. That will never happen again.

Good for you Ed. just remember, you have a lot of people here, who care about you, and are willing to help the best that they can

[waterlily327]

Hey Ed, glad you are here and taking an active stand to better yourself. I am an SO of a PA (we are both on this site). If your wife would be willing to join TTF, try to encourage her to do so. I have found a lot of support here and it sounds like she could use some right now too. It is tough getting started, but its worth it. I wish you and your wife the best, because it will be a long road to recovery for both of you.

[edjames71]

Thanks Waterlily. My wife actually directed me to this site. She is very resourseful. I'm sure she is someplace in the partners forums. We are currently seperated to give each other space so we haven't talked much. I'm hoping that will change. I want both of us to be healthy. If we don't ever get back together then we need to be healthy friends for our kids. She knows my feelings about her so no need for me to keep telling her about that. I'm trying to focus on my recovery and she is focusing on her's. The future is unknown....I hope it turns out the way I would like. We both have a lot of work ahead of us. I'm finally commited to ending this. Thanks again.

[edjames71]

Been a tough few days for me. I feel lonely and I think that is why I feel the way I do. After 15 years sleeping next to someone I really miss companionship. The urge was really strong last night but I fought it off thanks to some meditation. Feel better this morning. It was a real test for me and I passed. I knew this would come someday....I'm glad some of the tools I've learned helped take care of it. :)