My Struggle

[f4shizzle123]

Um i'm not entirely sure what to do on this so im just posting my thoughts down hoping that God will guide me to help through this website. Here it goes...

Ok, so in my 5 year journey to recovering through this addiction of P i have taken very many steps to over coming it but still fall short. First, I sold my I-Touch because the internet acces is too easy to fall into temptation with and easy to cover your tracks. I have deleted my Facebook so no picture of local girls with bikinis can set off my hunger for more. I have Told by best female friend also girlfriend hoping that by her knowing i will be ashamed and stop. So far none of these have worked out so im moving onto the next step, Computer Filters. I recently told my Father of the addiction i have sturggled with and so far he has taken no action to getting me a filter but i will ask him again if needed.

I just feel so lost sometimes! I tell my girlfriend everytime i fall into my temptation and EVERYTIME she cries and i just sit there and watch!?!? What is wrong with me? How did I become this lost this fast? I am becoming increasingly more and more scared each day that passes and each time im give in. I fear that if i continue my ways I will push away my female friends away because they don't do what i see on the computer. Also im scared that my needs for P will increase and i will start searching for more physical relations with women, and thats not right to me and God.

Everytime i fail and give in to the Devil's temptations I get so angry, but lately when I give in I just forget it happened and carry on with life, without even stopping to realize i just fell father into a bottomless pit of sin:( Is my sensitivity to sin/P wearing away? Im scared i truley am. My mind is already warped to the point where every girl in my school wearing skin tight pants and low cut shirts sets me off and i can't control it. I need help that is why im reaching out to other people who havce fought the same fight as me in hopes that i will be able to break this addiction. Please, Brothers and sisters of this website please help me! Everyday that I struggle with this sick addiction i fall deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole and i can't even see the light of it anymore.

IM LOST........

[Rowlf]

Hi f4shizzle123,

Welcome and well done on starting a journal. Use it to keep a track of how you are doing, and to tell a little of your story, as you are doing so we can offer our help too.

First off I would look at developing an action plan for yourself.
What triggers you?
What are you going to do instead when those triggers come up?

List out your top triggers and develop some good strategies for changing your habits. PA is such a powerful force. By admitting we have an addiction we are saying that something more powerful that my usual willpower takes over. So, we've got to know when we are likely to lose control and DO SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD.

We're here to help. There are quite a few younger folks on the site - check out Vorlan's journal.

Resolve to stay clean - just for today. Take it one minute at a time if you need - but stay clean today.

Good luck.

[f4shizzle123]

Thanks for the encouragement Rowlf,

The sad news is that I already blew it today, but that is what inspired me to write this journal. The things that trigger me are Girls who post pics of themselves in bikinis on facebook, When i watch a movie with a semi nude women, sometimes when i see an attractive girl in public with revealing cothes, My own mind! I talked to my dad today about a possibility of getting a filter for my internet tommorow but I will have to see if it works out, Pray for me. I know i can beat this P addiction i'm just losing hope at the moment. I guess sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize you can do it as long as you want it bad enough, and i want it BAD! thanks for the help Rowlf, tommorow is a new day, a new opportunity to stay away from this addiction. I can do it!

[JenMac]

HI Shizzle!
Like the others I think it is a positive sign that you are here at TTF at your young age. It shows that you recognize that you have a problem and that is the first step shizzle! Awareness, Acceptance, Action. You are already at the action phase! That means you are steps ahead of many others out there!
You will learn lots by being here and you will find much support from the other members! That will make you feel so much less alone! Others can help you by sharing their own successes and failures with you from which you will learn.
So welcome Shizzle! I am glad you are here! And I hope you can get that filter soon! Let the healing begin!!
All the best!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Thanks for the encouragement Rowlf,

The sad news is that I already blew it today, but that is what inspired me to write this journal. The things that trigger me are Girls who post pics of themselves in bikinis on facebook, When i watch a movie with a semi nude women, sometimes when i see an attractive girl in public with revealing cothes, My own mind! I talked to my dad today about a possibility of getting a filter for my internet tommorow but I will have to see if it works out, Pray for me. I know i can beat this P addiction i'm just losing hope at the moment. I guess sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize you can do it as long as you want it bad enough, and i want it BAD! thanks for the help Rowlf, tommorow is a new day, a new opportunity to stay away from this addiction. I can do it!

Hello f4shizzle123

A belated welcome to TTF

It seems to me, that you do want to get rid of this addiction, and it is in your HEART, to do so. you already know what it is that triggers you, so there is only a few things that you need to do. that is, work on your thoughts when you see triggering things. the one things about this addiction, is that it is not limited to only the computer, that can make us act out. this addiction, is around us, no matter where we go, or what we see in a movie.

So this means, that we need to work hard in changing the way we think, when we see something that can harm us. when you see one of those girls, that can trigger you, learn a new way of viewing them. don't allow the old thoughts to go to you heart. If you see a beautiful girl as you are walking down the street, instead of standing there, allowing bad thoughts to go to your head, look away if you need to. the thing is, that we have temptations in front of us, all of the time. we can never hide from them.
And as for what you see on facebook that can lead to a trigger, well maybe stop looking at Facebook ? if it is going to harm you in any way, then it cant be a part of your life.

So if you don't have a good plan in front of you, to beat this addiction, then my friend, we will never beat it. this recovery plan that you need, is one that is tailored made just for you. only you know what it is that you need to do, to get rid of this addiction

I am so encouraged by you want help now at a young age. you will be able to get a firm grip on this addiction, before it can harm you any more. I am glad that you started your journal, this way, we can help you with your struggles that you are going through

You do have a long road in front of you, but with the attitude that you are already displaying, there is no reason as to why, you cant get through this addiction.

We can not cure you, from this, but we can offer you all of the support and encouragement that you need to help you.

You can do this. you are not alone here. you have many who are rooting for you.

I wish you the best my friend in your recovery. I will check in and see how you are doing

[f4shizzle123]

As of April 26, 2011 I am a clean man. I intend on having last till forever. I know through the support and help of God and my fellow homies on TTF i can make it through this hard time. I know its only been a day but it is a benchmark in beating this addiction. Pray for me tommorow because tommorow brings new temptations and a new opportunity to fail.... but i WILL NOT fail!!!