My Story

[Beanhead]

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone may read my journal but I humbly ask that no one respond to me within my journal. This is so that I can approach this space as my own sacred space, allowing feelings and thoughts to spill out onto this page. Thank you for honoring my request.

________________________________________________


Here I am, starting my own story on day 51 of my recovery. How weird and strange is that?

I think that I have been avoiding using this "journal" because I have some inner prejudices against journals. My biggest fear is that I know that others - and especially my wife - will read what I write and down in those deep vulnerable places within me, I fear judgment and mockery. This process is difficult enough without having to face those types of emotions.

Further, I know that I struggle so much in verbalizing and describing my feelings. I get caught up in the the words, the emotions and my thoughts and finally give up. And so I end up shut down and unable to get anything out.

This reminds me of the movie I watched last night, The King's Speech. It tells the story of King George VI of England who had a stammer. He struggled to verbalize his thoughts because of a stammer that prevented his throat and mouth from forming the words.

I feel like that so many times. I have my thoughts and feelings but when I try to verbalize them, they get caught up in my own mind in some kind of emotional stammer. And they just don't get out. Then I end up internalizing so much.

Anyway, I hope that this space will allow me to "improve" the way I express my thoughts and emotions. More than improvement, however, I want to have a safe place where I can vent, where I can raise questions (and hopefully explore answers), where I can slow my thinking down and recognize/acknowledge my emotions.

I know this will be difficult for me. This work doesn't come easy and nor does it flow quickly for me. I will attempt to add to my story often but I know myself and there will times when I will be very busy and not have time to write.

My final goal is to be able to find a way to express myself in a way that will help my wife understand me. And a way where, through my expression, I can understand her.

I'm scared of starting this journey (of written expression) but I am full of hope for the good that will result.

[Beanhead]

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone may read my journal but I humbly ask that no one respond to me within my journal. This is so that I can approach this space as my own sacred space, allowing feelings and thoughts to spill out onto this page. Thank you for honoring my request.

________________________________________________


Why does this keep getting harder? More confusing? More chaotic? Less communication? More suspicion? More accusations? More of the negative and less of the positive?

I see the articles and the "experts" say that the addict and the SO are on completely different paths to recovery.

I felt so strong and committed to my recovery. I even felt the rush that others talk about. She felt even more lost, angry, up-and-down, suspicious, angry, confused, angry, accusing, and angry. So if we're on such different tracks, then why do the "experts" say that the best way to recovery is for us to do this together??

I'm afraid that together means: I trigger her emotions, she triggers mine. Not the best or positive emotions either, the worst ones. The ones that drive the other person crazy with suspicions, hurt feelings and anger. So why this push for us to do this together? How in the world does it help for us to work together when we just trigger the worst in each other?

We seem to save up all the hurt and anger for the weekends. The weekdays are full, I spend time away from home with the kids and she's at home. So perhaps we don't have the energy to feel what we feel. So when we reach the weekends, hell breaks loose. And my wish of having a really nice, relaxing weekend loving each other goes down the drain.

Every Friday, like clockwork, something happens and our weekend goes to hell.

Its worse when the kids come over for the weekend. I feel like we're walking on egg shells, trying not to let any harsh words or feelings slip out so that the kids are not affected. It makes for a miserable weekend.

I thought that this was one of the reasons why I divorced their mother; I didn't want my children growing up in a home where they could see their parents NOT loving each other as they should. And now they're growing up in a home (part of the time, anyway) where they see my and my SO with so much tension.

The hardest realization is that I've done this. I caused this with my addiction. I hate it. And I hate the part of me that is addicted.

[Beanhead]

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone may read my journal but I humbly ask that no one respond to me within my journal. This is so that I can approach this space as my own sacred space, allowing feelings and thoughts to spill out onto this page. Thank you for honoring my request.

________________________________________________


I'm sitting here at work, staring at a computer with no one around.

This has been an issue for me in the past. While my work computer has filters, I can still look at pictures of women in provocative clothing and this has been enough, in the past, to "scratch the itch" of my addiction.

I know that if I choose to, I can go there now.

But, I DON'T choose to do that. Why the difference for me?

Somehow, in some way, THIS time is different. This choice for recovery, real new life, real healthy relationship feels so different than in the past. I feel that the biggest factor that is making the biggest difference is that my I am going through recovery with my wife. This is so unlike before!

When I started my journal, I was working through feelings of confusion and frustration, wondering whether working together and alongside my wife was helpful. And although there are times when our processess are so different and will continue to feel like a rollercoaster, I feel and believe that our love and committment to each other is what makes this possible. So, bottom line for me - doing this WITH my wife is part of what makes this recovery different and possible!

Another difference for me is that I've actually made a plan. I sat down near the beginning of my recovery and put some thoughts on paper. In one of my later posts in my journal, I'll include it so that I can have it available (online) here at work. In all the times in the past when I wanted to "get over P", I never made a plan. So creating a plan is different and I feel that it has helped keep me focused on my recovery as well as giving me actual practical steps of what to do in my recovery.

Finally, this time is different because I am seeking and using outside help. I am seeing a therapist, I am on TTF and (hopefully) will be starting to attend a 12 step S-Anon group this Friday. All these things are new for me; I've always attempted to recover on my own, without any kind of accountability and without any acknowledgement to others what my addiction has to done - to myself and to those I love.

So THIS time, it all feels different and it all feels positive. I know that there will still be many rollercoaster moments for me and for stillandagain, but down deep where it all counts, I know that this time, it not only feels different, it IS different and it will make all the difference for me and for us.

[Beanhead]

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone may read my journal but I humbly ask that no one respond to me within my journal. This is so that I can approach this space as my own sacred space, allowing feelings and thoughts to spill out onto this page. Thank you for honoring my request.

________________________________________________


I've been meaning to write the last several days but have either haven't had the time nor the means.

Yesterday was a big day for me, personally. Yesterday I attended a SA 12 step group for the first time. It was both a positive experience as well as a disappointing one.

First, there are no SA meetings near me, so I've had a frustrating time finding one. I finally found one about 1:15 hrs. from me. Fortunately, it will fit with the schedule that I have, even if I can only attend every other week.

So, this past week, I made plans to attend. I emailed the contact address but got no response. On Wed, frustrated that I hadn't heard anything back, I called the contact number. I got a voice recording that gave information, including the address of the meetings that take place. I jotted the address down and made plans to go.

On Friday morning, I drove the 1:15 hrs., paid toll and finally made it to the meeting location. It was supposed to start at noon and I was there in plenty of time. I waited, noon came and went but nobody showed up. Waited until 10 after and still nobody. Wondered if I got it all wrong, found an office and asked; the gentleman working there confirmed my meeting location and the time. So I wondered, why was no one there??

I waited and one man finally showed up 20 minutes late. He introduced himeself and apologized for his lateness. He said that very few people attended this meeting as it was at noon on a weekday.

This was really disappointing to me as I had been looking forward to this moment for the last 55 days! Ever since I was caught by my SO and made a decision to pursue full recovery and sobriety, participation in a 12 step group was an important part of my plan. And yet I had not found anything near enough. Now that I finally did find something, it seemed so disorganized and haphazard. I had hoped to find a group of people (men, especially) of around 6-10 who could be of support to me in my recovery.

So, this person talked about the group and then we started our "meeting." He read a passage from the Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book" and then shared how this applied to him. He was surprised that I wanted to respond, but I didn't want to NOT participate!

His reading was actually helpful to me. He read the section that talked about how alcoholics (sexaholics) think we are the same as everyone else and will do all kinds of things to prove that to ourselves. Instead, we need to accept that we are different, that we respond and react to lust differently than "normal" people do.

This reading, while short and only shared with two of us, made me realize that through this process of recovery, I need to adjust my thinking about myself. I need to remember ALL the time that I am an addict, and thus need to work my recovery based on that fact. I am not a "regular" person who can simply continue to do the same as before. I need to keep this in mind when I do all kinds of normal things: go online, read newspapers/magazines/books, look at billboards and even interact with others around me.

I am finding that my recovery from addiction to P means that I re-think and re-order my life in all kinds of ways. Its more than just looking at P. Its more than looking at provocative images. Its everything I do. And in order to re-think and re-order my life, it has to start with the recognition and acknowledgement that I am different. That I am an addict and cannot continue to live my life the same as before.

So, although the meeting was disappointing, the sharing that took placed was indeed helpful to me. And a great reminder of changes I need to make, not only in my behavior (avoidance of P) but also in my mind and heart.

[Beanhead]

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone may read my journal but I humbly ask that no one respond to me within my journal. This is so that I can approach this space as my own sacred space, allowing feelings and thoughts to spill out onto this page. Thank you for honoring my request.

________________________________________________


I have so many different thoughts and emotions that I have no idea where to start.

Perhaps, for my own sake, some background.

Stillandagain and work for the same hospital, she full time and I part time. I work fulltime elsewhere. The times that I have worked part time at the hospital, I worked mostly on the weekends, working a 24 hr. shift. This was always on a Saturday.

Within the last year of working there, my addiction to porn was escalating and I was giving in more and more to the urge of looking for it. The computers were filtered by the hospital, so I spent a lot time looking at pictures of women in bikinis and scantily/provacatively dressed. While this wasn't "P", it was enough to feed the addiction.

This happened over months of time, through a variety of cycles, sometimes looking for hours and other times not looking at all.

When my final "D" day occurred (day of discovery), I shared with Stillandagain the fact that I had done this. In her (righteous) anger, she called the hospital and canceled any of my shifts for the next several months. I later called and confirmed this with the head of the dept.

61 days later, something about my use of the computers at the hospital triggered the filter system of the hospital. Stillandagain was told by her supervisor and secretary that there issues with my use of computers. And the supervisor (who also is my supervisor since I work part time there) told her that Human Resources had told him that he couldn't discuss this with her as it also pertained to her.

So now, we're running a whole gamut of emotions.

For me, I'm scared that she will lose her job because of my use of the computers. The fact that MY addiction could cost HER her job is unthinkable and horrifying to me. Furthermore, financially, we can't afford her to lose her job. It will kill us. I'm sure she feels the same.

Even more, this falls under the issue of "more" discovery of my use of P. While I had told her that I had looked at pictures at work, I had not revealed the extent of it. So this has been a huge shock for her. Thus, she is going through an understandable emotional reaction of anger/hurt/sad feelings.

I have my own reaction of feelings, including guilt/shame/anger/sadness and yes, GUILT. It just doesn't end.

After 61 days of going "cold turkey" and doing well with my addiction recovery, THIS hits us out of the blue. And it feels awful, just awful.

I'm so sorry I hid the extent of my search for P-like pictures. I'm even more sorry she found out in this way.

Even though this feels so awful, I'm not giving up on my and my recovery. However, I feel like we're in a holding pattern, waiting to find out if my SO has been fired because of my behavior.

I'm just sick to my stomach.

[stillandagain]

You wrote

While this wasn't "P", it was enough to feed the addiction

Surely you are not STILL in denial about THAT?

[Beanhead]

I've started and re-started this thread several times today while during break times at work, but I just can't seem to get much going. So I decided to just talk about that for the moment. Perhaps the act of writing will spur some further thoughts for myself.

The idea of a journal has always seemed odd to me because by the time I get around to writing in it, whatever my emotions have been and whatever the issue I've been dealing is, it is all "over." I've either argued/talked with my SO, or processed my feelings and thoughts and now, when I sit down to write, I can't seem to even remember much of what I was feeling or going through.

I've always been the type of person who processes outloud, talking to someone else. I don't tend to process during the writing process. However, I have started this journal (where others can read what I write, yikes!) and I will continue to add to it, so perhaps I will learn to process through my journal.

This past weekend was really good; we relaxed quite a bit, enjoyed good food and were able to catch up on time together. It is one of my favorite parts of my relationship with S&A, the fact that I love hanging out with her. So when we are actually able to do that, it leaves me feeling loved as well as having loved her.

We did end the weekend on a bit of a sour note, but I was glad that it didn't take over my emotions.

Talking about our previous marriages, S&A is so sure that my P addiction caused the breakup with my ex. While I have admitted and acknowledge that I did so much to cause damage and hurt (in my acting out), her insistance that my P caused it makes me hurt.

It is, in some ways, as if she's saying that the damage and destruction of trust in THIS marriage aren't enough, she needs to "pile it on" in some way, to make sure that somewhere deep inside me, my guilt and shame include what happened in my previous marriage. Bottom line, it isn't enough that there were many consequences to my behavior and choices, she needs me to feel at fault for even more.

And so in the end, what her point of view does is it takes my ex off the hook; it takes away the blame for her own part in the break up of my marriage and places it all on me.

Why does S&A need to do this? S&A herself has experienced my ex's manipulation and passive/aggressive ways, and yet she wants to put the whole blame on me.

Anyway, it really is a small issue in the big picture of my recovery. But it does rankle me and makes me wonder if she simply wants me to feel MORE guilt, MORE shame than what I already do.

In the big picture of my recovery, I feel quite optimistic and positive. I'm doing well with my own time; I stay away from anything that could trigger me and I've been able to maintain that line. Even the latest discovery of my hiding/lying didn't trigger me to act out in order to "feel better." I consider this a big step for me, knowing that I didn't allow the hurt and tension to give me an excuse for relapse. It makes me feel stronger and better able to deal with tough times in the future without the need to feel better in this way.

I'm well on my way in recovery and that is something to continue to celebrate. More than that, it motivates me to continue on, to keep on keeping on and not to give in so easily.

[Beanhead]

Upon further conversation with S&A, I didn't misrepresent her. I simply misunderstood what she was saying. I think we both misunderstood what we've been saying to each other, which she HAS said in her journal.

[Beanhead]

NOTICE: I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND REGARDING MY JOURNAL. ANYONE WISHING TO RESPOND OR POST MAY DO SO. THANK YOU FOR HAVING RESPECTED MY PREVIOUS WISHES.
___________________________

From an email sent to Stillandagain on Thursday, May 12.



Last night, I was reading The Porn Trap when something they wrote really hit me hard. It was about denial. Somewhere, it mentioned that the only way a porn addict can risk so much is by dis-associating themselves from the consequences of their behavior. To the point that they don't even recognize or realize the consequences of their behavior. Then they said, "this is called denial."

So easy to say and read but so hard to really acknowledge this reality for me. To let it sink in to my head, my heart.

I believe that this describes me. The reason why I rationalized so much of my behavior is because I was in denial. I didn't allow myself to even acknowledge what the consequences of my behaviour were or could be. I was blind to what I was doing.

Now, this is not an excuse. In fact, I believe that the denial was a choice; a method I chose in order to give myself "permission" to continue my behavior. By distancing and dis-associating myself so much from the consequences of my behavior, I could then focus only on the "rush" or "gratification" of the porn.

I was thinking about all this last night; then, this morning, you invited me to read that one page from S-Anon. I couldn't believe it - it was all about how SOs react and respond to the addict's behavior! In other words, it was about the very consequences that I've been in denial about.

So, it feels that the "veil of denial" is being torn down and I am finally seeing the real REALITY of the consequences of my behavior.

It hurts, baby. It really hurts to finally, really see what my behavior/addiction has done to you. To read how it makes you feel inside, both about yourself and about me and others. To finally begin to understand how much you've scrambled emotionally in order to deal with this hidden thing.

It makes me sad too. Really sad.

And it makes me so determined to never allow this thing to take over my own mind and our relationship like it has.

I'm so sorry for the way I've behaved and lied and how it has affected you.

[stillandagain]

I would like to affirm the significance of this breakthrough for Beanhead, for me, and for us.
"Denial" had become a recent theme, applied to a variety of related subjects and events.
It feels like a really important step.