Anon483's Journal

[anon483]

Hello all,

My name is ES and I am having a hard time successfully maintaining a P-free life, so I am starting this journal to see if expressing myself through text could help me work some things mentally out.

Having 2 parents who are in AA and myself previously coming clean cold turkey from marijuana, amphetamine, and barbituate addiction I think that I feel arrogant about my power to "conquer" an addiction, something that does not help nor address the causes of my P addiction. I know that the only way to stop using P is to address the reasons why I use P and to commit to the negative feelings that I have toward P (knowing that what I am doing is wrong while doing it- Any thoughts on good ways to 100% believe this?).

I work around 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, leading a very busy lifestyle with multiple projects going on at once. The choices I make to be able to work this much cause me to not have many hours that I can spend emotionally connecting with others, although I know many people through work and the projects previously mentioned.

I want friends. And a girlfriend. I think that my use of P not only promotes negative behaviors but also gives me a reason to feel detached from society while doing it, perpetuating the action through justification (I look at P because I have no friends, I have no friends because I look at P).

Tonight I want to stop looking at P, and I know that in order to do this I need to do ACTIONS that will enhance my self control and discipline and not just mentally say "I will not look at P", because I am powerless over my own mind on this issue.

Day: 0

ES

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Welcome back ES
Nice to see you again. the last time I saw you here was back in Jan. I am glad that you came back to get going again with this addiction. I see that you lead a very busy life, but in a way, that is a good thing. I f you keep yourselves busy, it is a lot harder to be sitting around looking at P.

It is encouraging to see that you want this out of your life before you get a girlfriend. I f you are still using P, and are in a relationship, you are just stealing valuable time away from the time you can spend it with her. Also, the feeling of betrayal, unworthiness, on there part for you using P, is not worth the pain that it causes them.

I just encourage you to make sure that you have a good recovery plan going, so it will help with this, while you are not working. You seem to have a good attitude in that you want this free from your life, and if you work your heart, to get rid of this, then there is no reason as to why you can not beat this addiction, as you did the others.
I know that you are a very busy person, but please come here as much as you can, and right in this journal, so we can see if there is anything that we can help you with. The good thing is, that you are not alone in this, and there are many here that is going through the same problem as you are

I hope to see you back real soon ES, and I do with you the best in your recovery

[HopeandDespair]

I can already relate with your experience. Keep posting, I look forward to following your journey in recovery!

[anon483]

Today went well. I balanced work and play to a good extent, and feel good about myself in relation to thoughts of P.

Sadly, it is times when I am feeling great about myself, my day, choices I made during the day, etc. that I'll mentally let go of the discipline I maintained during the day and turn to P as a relaxant, a stimulus, and a "bad habit" that in some ways feels like a reward, but afterwards feels like a huge mistake. I met a man once who was a heavy smoker and said that "having a vice makes you feel human". I recently heard that he had to be taken to the hospital for stress. He was wrong- Working against character defects through actions is one of the best ways to feel human yourself, and to help others while doing so, something I hope to work on as I continue maintaining a P-free lifestyle.

On another note, one of the many issues I am having right now is the objectification of others, which leads to disturbing and at times violent and gruesome thoughts. These thoughts are particularly in relation to women, and even though I do not let any of these thoughts turn into actions I think that, being an expressive person to a large extent, my emotional and mental baggage shows on my face or my disposition and can negatively affect interactions I have with others (or, perhaps, I am paranoid and feel that this is occurring even though it is not- As I write this it feels like the latter is probably the more likely situation).

I know that these thoughts I am having are perverse and wrong, but at the same time I allow them to fester, for reasons I'm not 100% sure of (part of my illness, perhaps). I hope that as I become more distant from P (in a long term sense; not in the sense of quitting for a few days or weeks) these thoughts will evaporate and I can have better control over my own mentality. Or, maybe P and these thoughts are disconnected (although they feel like they come from the same self-indulgent, controlling source) and I will have to address these negative thoughts separately.

Regardless of the above, today I did not view P in any form, and for that I am proud of myself.

Day 1 √

[anon483]

April 17th:
I had a good day today- I made choices earlier in the evening that made it so I didn’t have to stay up too late (declining to attend an event that went from 9:00PM to 10:30PM), a time when I know I’m most affected by my P habit (my thought process late at night is “if I’ve stayed up this late, might as well just stay up a little while longer”, which ends up becoming hours). I had a few cravings during the day, but other than that I feel like my interest in P has diminished over the past few days.
In the past when I attempted to quit P the process was like this- The first few days I felt great, and was genuinely surprised at how well I was coping, how as the days went on I wasn’t having increasingly strong cravings, etc. and then WHAM, I would slip and turn to P again- Possibly from an inability to accept that there may be a struggle, and it may be painful for a while, and possibly from habit.
How can I make this time different? Starting this journal has helped. Writing these thoughts down not only clarifies my thought process, but I also do it during a time when I know that in the past I would use P. I can focus on the reasons why I use P: as a “drug” in some respects, bringing both rush and relaxation, combined with the “taboo” that drug use has, as an alternative to making compromises by being in a real life relationship, and focusing on a completely controllable fantasy, and out of a habit started many years.
On a completely different, more personal topic, I asked a coworker and long-time “crush” on a date yesterday. She accepted and we have something planned for Tuesday. I did it primarily because she’s wonderful and I’m interested in getting to know her, but also (and this feels selfish and strange to me) because I know that being around her will help my P addiction (or, at least, could affect my relationship to something as selfish as P- having a relationship with another person forces one to get outside oneself and compromise, work in a selfless way, and help someone other than yourself, all things that I know are part of a good program to combat P). Regardless, I’m happy this is happening, and glad that I can begin the relationship with my hands clean of P for more than a few days.
Day 3 √

April 18th:
Today was also a good day! I was very busy, mainly from the deadlines of several projects falling around the middle of this week.
(this is all that I wrote this day)
Day 4 √

[anon483]

Hi All,

I'm on day 7 and am doing well. I felt fairly tired at the end of today, so I took some time off to exercise and watch a few TV show episodes. My dating is going well, and I feel like it definitely helps with my PA. I'm spending more time worrying about another human and my relationship to her (the choices at the beginning of a relationship that in retrospect seem fairly silly, such as whether to go bowling or see a concert) rather than fantasies or whether or not I'll slip and use P in the evenings. As I've said before writing in this journal helps to give me something to do at a time when I would normally use P, and for that I'm forever grateful for TTF.

I had a realization the other day that in the past the reason why I would relapse and go back to P is because I wasn't interested in changing- I didn't want to change the habits I was in (and the causes of those habits). Rather, I wanted the negative side affects of my addiction to go away- The remorse, the wasted time, the intense sleep deprivation, etc. and not have to change the rest of my life to cause that change. This inability to see a property of action that is very simple (change something in order to... change something) is part of my addictive illness, and with something as insidious as PA I have to change things that are very slight, but in some ways are much more complex and subconscious than getting rid of drug paraphernalia, cutting contacts with other addicts that negative influence me, etc.

In figuring out this change I hope I am able to discover what it is I do, or what characteristic I have, that causes me to turn to P, something that most people not only don't find attractive but are repulsed by. In changing my relationship to P I'm changing other things in my life, and this in turn gets me further away from P.

Day 7 √

[anon483]

Hi All,

I'm writing this at the beginning of Day 9 of sobriety, and I'm doing fairly well. Last night I had to control my urges and also accept that it's okay to end a great week without doing something vulgar like looking at P!

Last month it felt like I used P as a "reset button"- When I was feeling bad I would use P and then feel heavy remorse, which in turn caused me to want to take action: stop using P, work harder, etc. which ends up being a very unsustainable way of living. I am now accepting that I will have ups and downs, a full range of emotions, and that these are not only normal, but a good thing to have, rather than the controlled emotions that I would synthesize by using P (euphoria, remorse, no respect for self, etc.).

I'm happy that I've been P free for 9 days- this is definitely the longest I've gone without P in 4 years or so!

Day 8 √, Starting Day 9

ES

[Phil413]

Last month it felt like I used P as a "reset button"- When I was feeling bad I would use P and then feel heavy remorse, which in turn caused me to want to take action: stop using P, work harder, etc. which ends up being a very unsustainable way of living.

Hi ES,

That's a very good observation, and it sounds very familiar. I think I used to do that, too.

Phil

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hi All,

I'm writing this at the beginning of Day 9 of sobriety, and I'm doing fairly well. Last night I had to control my urges and also accept that it's okay to end a great week without doing something vulgar like looking at P!

I'm happy that I've been P free for 9 days- this is definitely the longest I've gone without P in 4 years or so!

Day 8 √, Starting Day 9

ES

ES,
=D> on 8 days my friend.

I am glad to see, that you realize that the ups and downs will come and go, but it is even better news, to see that you are learning how to fight the down side of this off. we go through a lot of emotions when we are in the beginning days of our recovery. but it is good that we do, because, it helps us to see in what areas we need to work on, to get us free from this addiction.

I liked how you said, that there is nothing wrong in ending a great week in not looking at P. as you get future in your recovery, you are going to wonder, how you even allowed yourself to become addicted to this crap. I have over 30 years with this addiction, and I am coming up on 150 days free, and I feel great about it. It seems like you have a new life, and a good one, when P is not a part of it. I cant think, how I allowed over 30 years of my life, being wasted away because of my addiction. I now have a new meaning on life, and I now have wonderful thoughts. sure the old me, pops up once in a while, but you just learn how to shake those old feelings away, so you don't allow yourself to give in to this addiction.

It is encouraging to see you doing this good, and I know that you will just get better.

Keep up with the good work you are doing in your recovery. I wish for nothing but the best for you.

[anon483]

Hello all,

I have finished day 12 of living sober from P! I feel good- The angry, violent thoughts mentioned earlier in this thread have faded away, and it feels like I've wiped away a crust that has lived on me (and with me, all the time) for a long while.

The relationship with my coworker is going well- We've had 4 dates now, and even though we're both intensely awkward and nerdy I think overall they're going well! (:

My relationship to two things feel a bit off however, and although these are related to other aspects of my life, I think my connection to P (and the overall strange sexuality identity that I've created for myself over my life) heightens, if not causes, these two things:

*Secrecy- Feelings about public displays of affection, keeping physical contact short and to the point, and containing desires (not just sexual, but emotional and physical gestures) in odd, particularly self-controlling ways
*Intimacy- Confusion, hyper-attention to dominance/submission in the relationship, ideals of perfection in intimacy (perfect kiss, perfect touch, perfect scene, etc.), and planning before-hand choices in my role in intimacy (i.e., hyper controlling the actions I complete during a date to forward intimacy).

The above lists bring in a lot of other aspects of my psyche than just my unhealthy addiction to P, but two in particular stand out to me- "hyper-controlling my desires" and "ideas of perfection in intimacy". I think the first comes from a fetishism to control myself- by using P and MB to take control of my body and through P specifically controlling the stimulation I receive. The latter can be tied to all of the P that I have seen that presents itself as "more perfect than perfect" due to airbrushing, lighting, post-production, etc. and the completely fabricated, thoroughly hollow relationship of the human beings portrayed in P.

I also find myself having an anger welling up inside of me while dating- I have had this in the past (when dating someone while being actively addicted to P- an experience which allows me to relate in a small way to the horrible feelings of hiding P addiction from a lover or spouse) and I definitely feel that it is related to my love of control and my disinterest in actually changing actions in my life to change things occurring in my life.

Having another human being, your equal, sharing part of your life is an amazing thing, but it is a huge change, and I sense that I am having difficulties (and in turn feeling frustrated) accepting that change. Any help on this matter (or references to places where I could gain help on this matter) is very welcome!

Regardless of the above, I will be starting Day 13 of my sobriety tomorrow- I look forward to reaching the two week mark!

Best,
ES