Burnedout's journal

[burnedout]

First entry

Went to an SAA meeting this morning after debating a lot about whether I was going to go. Stayed in bed for 10 hours, and the meeting is what finally got me up and out of the house. I’m not sure about working all of the steps and everything else that goes along with SAA, but I find what other people have to say really valuable.

I have a lot of schoolwork to do, but I am procrastinating. I'm at least proud of myself for not looking at any P today. Images come up at random on the web in response to the most neutral Google searches, but you have to expect that. What really gets me is getting on the bus, picking up the free weekly and seeing some of the junk in there. But again, it’s up to me how to respond.

[stillandagain]

sound like a good start and a positive attitude.

welcome to ttf. I hope you find hope and strength here.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Went to an SAA meeting this morning after debating a lot about whether I was going to go. Stayed in bed for 10 hours, and the meeting is what finally got me up and out of the house. I’m not sure about working all of the steps and everything else that goes along with SAA, but I find what other people have to say really valuable.

I am glad to see that you got up to go to the meeting. as far as I am concerned, going to SAA has been a very big help in my recovery. I feel that sitting there, hearing what others are going through, helps me so much. This is a very huge step that will take you in the right direction in your recovery.

I have been going for about 5 moths now, but yet, I have not started in the steps. I know that I should, but It is just something I haven't really thought about yet. But in all honesty, we will probably get more out of the meetings if we were to do the steps.

I main thing is, that you got yourself out of your door, to walk into that door. you will not be sorry that you started going. The one I go to, have so many wonderful people there, and they do all that they can to help everyone else that goes.

I just wanted to =D> you for making this step, that will prove to help you so much more than you know

Good luck to you in your recovery

[burnedout]

sound like a good start and a positive attitude.

welcome to ttf. I hope you find hope and strength here.

Thank you, stillandagain.

I suppose I may as well start at the beginning, except I'm not sure where the beginning is. My addictive tendencies probably began before I met the first woman with whom I was intimate, but I think that's probably when they really took hold. She told me not to call her my gf, and not to fall in love with her.

This made me feel like garbage. I think it made me feel like I didn't deserve to have a full-fledged relationship--I wasn't mature enough, wasn't interesting enough, just somehow or other wasn't good enough for that. I think I began to believe that all relationships were like this--shallow, that there was no such thing as true feeling. Or at least for me they would have to be.

That was in college. But when I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I sought out such relationships in high school as well. I just never had them until I got older.

I truly apologize if any of this crosses the line. I am trying to be very careful about what not to say.

[burnedout]

Well, my mind was flooded with images after I went to bed last night. I know it must be within my power to control what my mind does, but that did not happen last night. I finally relented and MBd this morning. I don't know if this counts as a relapse, since I did not look at P, and since I did think about my wife.

[burnedout]

I still feel like the same scared, sad, angry, lonely, insecure person I was before I started my recovery. I guess I could add arrogant and selfish, although the arrogance is much diminished these days. I've had a lot of humbling experiences.

It seems like I've never known anything other than these feelings. I've been too afraid to say I love something or someone. I'm always afraid someone is going to tell me it's silly to love that person or that thing, so I put up a front of not caring about anything. I've seen it described elsewhere on this site as the difference between "push" and "pull." I feel like I've always been in push mode, just moving away from something, but never toward anything.

[burnedout]

Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness approach. Maybe things will get more linear as I go on.

I wanted to say more about the whole push/pull dichotomy. I think I am afraid to go forward toward something because I'm afraid of rejection. This seems ingrained in my family history. My mom once told me that she wanted to be a cheerleader, but never tried out because she was afraid she wouldn't make it. And she may not have. Does that mean she shouldn't have bothered? I have declined to try out for music school and writing courses for the same reason. I don't apply for jobs, don't even keep my resume up to date. I have failed to ask girls or women out on dates, or even for a dance, for the same reason.

And maybe I have fallen back on P because it never rejects me, never challenges me. Except that I cannot relate to the people who make P at all. As drawn to it as I am, I cannot understand how a person would perform in a P video or photo shoot, and how another person would then sell that video or those photos, knowing the harm it's already caused the performers and knowing the harm it will cause the consumers.

[burnedout]

I'm noticing two things about myself I'd like to change, if I could figure out how. Deep insecurity and explosive anger.

The insecurity part came out last night while I was in class. We were doing a little group project. We all offered suggestions on what to say about an article we read while one person wrote down all the suggestions. I felt like one person was dominating the conversation while I was being ignored. Then I looked at the final product, and it turned out they took nearly all my suggestions. So I felt embarrassed at having felt so hurt and resentful (even though I never showed it). Why do I have these feelings? Why can't I just feel normal?

The anger part came out when I put a laundry basket down on the floor and it almost tipped over and rolled down the stairs. I know it's completely irrational, but I felt like the fates were conspiring against me or something. Same thing when I was doing some homework, and I couldn't get a feature on a Web site to work the way it was supposed to. Irrational, paranoid--I felt as it there's some force out there that just wants me to fail.

I've got to work on these things, to recognize them when they come up, neutralize them somehow.

[burnedout]

Another thing I'm noticing is that my voice is so shaky lately. My whole body, really. Don't know what that's about at all.

[JenMac]

I felt like one person was dominating the conversation while I was being ignored. Then I looked at the final product, and it turned out they took nearly all my suggestions. So I felt embarrassed at having felt so hurt and resentful (even though I never showed it). Why do I have these feelings? Why can't I just feel normal?

Hi Burned Out!
I think most people struggle with insecurities at times in their lives. I know I certainly have. It seems like kind of a given thing that when communicating with others that all sorts of personality traits will come into play. It is how we learn to deal/cope this these issues that is the most important thing. And in the end you saw that you were not really ignored after all. There will always be people in our midst that demand a great deal of the attention, which tells me they have issues of their own! There are also personalities that seem to command the spotlight while there are others that fade a little into the background, as we are quieter and more reflective. I struggle with that at times too but really I don't mind being the quiet one in the group either.
BurnedOut, by recognizing these things in yourself, you have made the first step in trying to change them if you choose to. That is a good thing!!
All the best to you!!
Jenn