Burnedout's journal

[burnedout]

Just a little update.

Thought I'd try to catch the tail end of guys' chat, but I just missed it, it looks like.

As for my ex-girlfriend, I'm trying to get to a point of resolution, where I'm just not consumed with thoughts of her anymore. I think I've reached that point. I don't hate her, I'm not even that angry with her anymore. I feel bad for her, in fact. I couldn't understand back then why so many people seemed to have so much more sympathy for her, the tormentor, than they did for me, the tormented, but now I think I get it. It's still only speculation, but it's plausible.

I just want to understand what happened. It would have been nice if she could have helped me with that, but it ain't gonna happen. The last time I tried to get her to explain, she just snarled. Maybe some people can just move on and brush it off. That's fine, but it's not me. I have to analyze stuff until it's clear to me. And I think it's clear now. Something had to have happened to her.

I had another girlfriend who behaved in similar ways, and about a year ago she told me she was molested by a family friend when she was a little girl. I couldn't believe it at first, but it made sense the more I thought about it. It explained why she seemed to think she was only good for one thing, and why she could only relate to men in one way. So maybe something similar happened to my other ex, or maybe something similar happened to another woman in her family, and they all began to hate men as a result. In my wife's family and in the town she grew up in, there are a lot of examples of men treating women horribly. I don't know. I just know that attitude had to come from somewhere. I'll probably never know for sure, but it doesn't matter. I really think I've finally found some peace on this. In any case, it's time to move on, and that's what I'm doing.

[burnedout]

I will come clean about the "message" from my ex-girlfriend. It was a friend request on FB. I sat on it for months trying to figure out how to respond, admittedly even after my wife told me -- rightly so -- not to accept it. Out of anger I finally deleted it a week or so ago. Even though I did it in an emotionally charged state, I think it was the right move. I can imagine a lot of people I know saying that was an overreaction, that I'm being bogus and harshing out. Maybe so. Here's one thing I have no doubt about, though: since I deleted her request, the persecutory memories of all the times she humiliated me emotionally and sxlly have disappeared. Completely. Gone. Vanished. These were the memories I think I used to try to alter or drown out with P. It's the most amazing thing. I have finally taken control, declared my boundaries, and shown a little spine. It's the best feeling in the world.

[Disillusioned]

Hi John, I am sorry that visions and memories and confusion of loves of the past have any influence over you. I am talking to you and thinking of my oldest nephew who has finally found a loving mate that will work with him, enjoy his leadership and support him. After a gobbling, self-assured gal broke his heart and their engagement, he married another girl who was scarred as one of your ex's described.
They share a little boy who up until a few years ago had remained fairly unscathed by the turmoil between them. My nephew has everything he should ever want or need in his second wife, including a baby, yet he hates his first wife, and will do anything to cause her grief. How many times I have prayed that instead of anger he shows to her, he would change to peace, because of their son, because of everything that he now has and should be thankful for.
If you don't mind a suggestion, John, I am giving you this bit of advice now. Marriage is hard enough using all your sensitivity working on it, the present one, with the wife who is seeing you through this addiction and pain. Put your interests in this marriage and let the past lay where it is. Revisiting it will not change the outcome. Whereas, working diligently and lovingly on this relationship only, might be the very thing that gives you more happiness than you have ever imagined. Go and get some of those hugs from the best source in the world...your loving wife. Be well, be at peace, and walk tall.

[burnedout]

a gobbling, self-assured gal broke his heart

Go and get some of those hugs from the best source in the world...your loving wife. Be well, be at peace, and walk tall.

Thanks, D. You describe my ex and what she did to me perfectly. And it is time to focus on my wife completely. She needs and deserves all my love and attention. The other day I told her she was the kind of girl I wish I had dated in high school or college. I'm just glad I met her when I did.

And I do hope your nephew can also realize what really matters in this life and let go, like I'm trying to do.

Best,
John

[Disillusioned]

Thanks, John. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for his maturity and insight into what he is doing that is wrong. But he told me not to offer advice or he would simply disallow my email and not receive me in his home. He seems to really need to be in control of everyone and I fear very much he will simply be left alone and of his own making.

I am relieved to hear where you present and future energies will be directed. The past is over and cannot be relived, but oh, how wonderful the future can be for you and your loving spouse. God bless you every day.

[burnedout]

When You Grow Up in a Dysfunctional Family: dysfunctional families

These days I am getting into the concept of healthy boundaries. The stuff I'm reading says boundaries should be neither rigid nor porous, but flexible. The article I'm linking to above, "When You Grow Up in a Dysfunctional Family," talks about growing in a household without these healthy boundaries. The part about lack of privacy really got to me. I felt like crying and breathing a sigh of relief at the same time, that somebody finally recognized what it's like to grow up in an environment where anybody could just burst in on you at any time.

The article lists all the archetypes present in a dysfunctional family, of which there are four main types (we were #2, psychologically or emotionally disturbed). The two parental archetypes are the Dependent and the Enabler (or codependent). My dad is the Dependent, a raging child in the body of a grown man. Only now that my mother is dead and gone and none of his children want anything to do with him is he facing, and perhaps accepting, the consequences of his actions. They say criminals don't really have to face the enormity of their crimes until they get put in prison, and they can no longer ignore the voice of their conscience through acting-out behaviors. I'd say being all alone in a run-down farmhouse surrounded by 120 acres of scrub and having your credit cut off is a pretty good approximation of prison.

My mom was the Enabler, God rest her soul, covering for all the crap my dad pulled and suffering unbelievable stress-related illnesses and behavioral problems of her own as a result. She got her revenge by cutting him out of her will. Score one for mom!

My eldest sister was and remains the Hero, putting up a brave front of calm, coupled with towering achievement that no one can take away from her, but displaying some really odd behaviors now and then, and letting her rage escape just the tiniest bit in the once-yearly phone conversations that she and I share.

My next oldest sister also played the Hero now and again. In fact, both of them together were held up as the ideal that neither me nor my cousins (like brothers and sister to us) could hope to equal. However, as the middle child, she also played the Scapegoat, drinking and flouting social convention in a variety of ways.

As the youngest child, I would say I started out as and still exhibit signs of being the Mascot, clowning around and unable to focus on the task at hand (like right now when I'm supposed to be studying). These behaviors continue to dog me to this day. In early adolescence, though, I became the Lost Child: shy, solitary, isolated, feeling like a stranger in my own family. I can still be that way today, too, skulking around the streets with my ear buds crammed in as tight as possible, scowling, blasting heavy metal like a 47-year-old teenager. In late adolescence and early adulthood, I, too, became a Scapegoat, drinking, drugging, engaging in promiscuous sx, etc.

Anyway, just throwin' this out there, running it the flagpole and seeing who salutes.

Take care,
John

[2frustrated]

Insightful analysis of your family. I liked the "mascot." I think I sort of played that role too, amongst my three sisters.

[burnedout]

Thanks, 2f. Of course, I welcome critical comments, but I appreciate supportive ones like yours as well. The first thing I thought when I finished writing that post was, “Oh, my goodness, a public display of anger. How unbecoming! Mustn’t air our dirty laundry in public, you know.” I think I will become more comfortable expressing anger if I can learn to keep my wits about me while I’m doing so, and if I can make my case convincingly.

I definitely stepped into the mascot role around girls, trying to be a goofball to win their hearts. Is it any wonder they didn’t see me as a serious prospect? There was also the high school teacher who preferred a different term for me: “buffoon.”

[burnedout]

Feeling my resolve weaken, not so much in terms of my vow not to view p anymore, though that has been a slight challenge. I feel my resolve weakening more in terms of what some might see as the hard-line stance I've taken regarding my ex-girlfriend and other people and situations in my past. People might say I don't have any right to still be upset. I'm quite used to the people closest to me invalidating my feelings, so much so that I've long since learned to do the same thing automatically. The concept of "your feelings are your feelings and no one can tell you they're right or wrong" is still not second-nature to me, but if I give myself time, I can get there on my own now.

I reached a very peaceful point not too long ago with regard to all those bad old days. I told myself, "What those people did to you had nothing to do with you. It was all about the sense of control they thought they lacked, and you just happened to be a convenient target because of your low self-esteem."

And I thought, "Yes, it all makes sense now," and it felt like the storm was over. I thought, "this feeling is so good it just HAS to last." But it didn't. It went away. So I did a lot of reading, and thinking, and meditating, praying, breathing, etc., to get the feeling back. In fact, I've gone through this cycle quite a few times now. All that reading and stuff works a lot better than it used to, but it just seems like so much effort to reach a state -- "normal" -- that other people seem to exist in all the time.

I'm so freaking tired right now, I can't even tell you. When my Masters program ends, I vow that my workaholic tendencies end with it. I think I've proved to myself that underneath this underachieving mask was a good student waiting to get out. I would like to have a life now, thank you very much.

I'm doing okay, though. Have a good week, everybody.

John

[burnedout]

Went to this professional meeting last night and just felt like I truly connected with the people there. When the presenter said something that didn't make sense to me, I had a narcissistic moment of thinking, "Who does this guy think he is? I'll show you who the real expert is here!" But I let it pass. No one seemed the wiser. The more I got into it, the more I participated and revealed myself, the more the past and all its discontents just seemed to fall away.

I truly believe that if you're going to beat this, or any other compulsive behavior -- to say NO to it -- you have to have something to say YES to. It wasn't like I was flipping the bird to all those persecuting voices in my head, my ex and whatnot; they just weren't there anymore. This feeling may not carry me through to the end of the week, but if it does go away, that doesn't mean it won't be back again.

In this one Buddhist lecture I listen to sometimes, the speaker says, "Pleasure cannot be sustained, pain cannot be avoided." That's a harsh truth, but I don't believe it means that once pleasure leaves you, it's gone for good, or that when pain visits you, it's there to stay. Who knows? You may even have to learn to experience both at the same time.