Burnedout's journal

[burnedout]

Hi B!
These things we struggle with do not make us good or bad, they are just behaviours that we would like to change about ourselves. Give yourself permission to have off days without beating yourself up. We can be so hard on ourselves B! Don't overdo it in that department.
Jenn

Thanks, Jenn. I feel better, and you helped. I found some stuff online that should help with my paper. The Internet is a blessing and a curse! :P

One thing I am beating myself up about (b-() is that I wouldn't be in this situation, feeling so much pressure and anxiety, if I had looked at this assignment earlier in the semester. Instead of thinking about what I had to do, I either looked at P or went to bed. But I didn't have the tools then that I have now, thanks to TTF and other sites. And I should be glad that I have them now, rather than cursing myself for not having had them before. Now I can make the best of the rest of this semester and use the skills I've acquired to do well in the rest of grad school.

Thanks also for locating the forum where people say what they like about themselves. I know I've got a couple good qualities!

[burnedout]

Still oversleeping. Some MB but no P. Didn't make it to SAA this week. Did make it to therapy, which was hard but really useful. There was a really troubling op-ed in the Chicago Tribune today, which made it sound like P is some kind of harmless joke. I want to reply, but I'm not sure what to say. Maybe I should just ignore it.

[JenMac]

Hey B!
Just checking in with you to see how you are doing? Hope all is well!
Hope you are enjoying the season and will catch us up later!!
Being here is so important to keep you on a good path B!
Don't underestimate it's power!!
Jenn

[burnedout]

MB is getting a little out of control. No P but feeling the urge. I am more disgusted with myself for the way I handle stress than anything else. I will write more when this semester is over.

[burnedout]

Another thing I do that feels addictive is download pictures to put on my desktop. The computer rotates them every 30 minutes. I have more than 600 of them now -- pictures of trams, bands, movie posters, architecture, landscapes, whatever. It's getting to the point where I don't even enjoy that, but I can't stop myself because I don't want to face my responsibilities. Man, this is bad.

[artguy34]

That's your compulsive addictive behavior talking. Of course you cannot stop, because you are repeating past cycles. Except now instead of downloading pictures of porn, you're just downloading pictures. At this point you are slowly entering the cycle of relapse, you just don't see it. All it takes is one image in your head to quickly take over your urges and begin viewing P.

I understand what you are going through, so my friendly advice to you is to find other avenues to focus your compulsive addictive behavior on, something healthy that does not involve a computer. Set small goals and achieve them. While building smaller successes, you begin to gain confidence in yourself, redirect your focus to productive things and gain knowledge as to "Why" you wish to be P & MB free. Being a Porn Addict is not the root cause of your problems, just a huge symptom. Once you identify your root cause, then you can begin to heal with success.

Just my 2-cents brother!

AG

[burnedout]

Thanks, artguy. So now I'm wondering why I respond to stress with these kinds of compulsive behaviors instead of attacking my problems head-on. Besides P, MB, and endless downloading of wallpapers, why do I also cry, whimper, get depressed, go to bed, get angry, etc.?

[artguy34]

I'm not a psychologist, so I can't give you the answers. However look at your questions and the answers are right in front of you.

Why do you cry?
Why do you whimper?
Why do you get depressed?

There has to be a reason? Once you do some soul searching and find out the reasons, you may be able to identify the root cause of your addiction and understand that porn addiction is the action you took to get away from the real problems. I'm only speaking from my own experiences.

As far as your question "So now I'm wondering why I respond to stress with these kinds of compulsive behaviors instead of attacking my problems head-on." Well that's an easy one my friend. Because it feels good. Point blank! But you must now understand that this momentary pleasure is a dangerous and unhealthy practice.

I suggest you read the threads of both SO's and PA's to help you get an understanding of how bad PA can affect your life as well as the lives of people you care about.

Arm yourself with knowledge, because knowledge is power in recovery!

Good luck on your road to recovery.

AG

[Rowlf]

Hey BurnedOut,

Just read through your journal. Well done on where you have got to so far. And the fact that you've told your wife and she is supportive - fantastic!

Just wanted to comment about the habit stuff. Artguy has said it well I think. From here it sounds like a familiar story -
stress hits -> N umb out with P -> Increases stress, rinse and repeat

This is a story I know well. And sometimes knowing is not enough. There has to be an action plan to scaffold us whilst we learn new behaviors and better ways of dealing with stress. Using P does deal with stress, with 2 problems. It doesn't really work and in the end it actually increases the stress (I'm kinda reminded of Red Dwarf humor - Kryon: we have 2 problems, one - we have no lasers and two we have no lasers - I just wanted to repeat that as it's a major problem!) - so is this - our 'solution' is just making things worse.

It's good that you can see some of your triggers, in your feelings (crying, depression). So - what could you do instead. Get out? Go for a fast walk around the block?

Good luck and stay clean for today...

[burnedout]

stress hits -> N umb out with P -> Increases stress, rinse and repeat

This is a story I know well. And sometimes knowing is not enough. There has to be an action plan to scaffold us whilst we learn new behaviors and better ways of dealing with stress. Using P does deal with stress, with 2 problems. It doesn't really work and in the end it actually increases the stress (I'm kinda reminded of Red Dwarf humor - Kryon: we have 2 problems, one - we have no lasers and two we have no lasers - I just wanted to repeat that as it's a major problem!) - so is this - our 'solution' is just making things worse.

It's good that you can see some of your triggers, in your feelings (crying, depression). So - what could you do instead. Get out? Go for a fast walk around the block?

Thanks Rowlf

Good day so far. Pretty focused, but as the day wears on and the deadline for this major project gets closer, I find my mind wandering. The "stress hits" cycle is so simple but so easy to forget. And I don't really have an action plan yet, except to at least get up, stretch, walk around, whatever. And I do recognize some of my maladaptive responses to stress (in addition to P), but I don't know why I turn to them. I'm trying to identify some of thoughts that may precipitate my turning to P/M, etc. It's the whole CBT thing: thoughts--->feelings---->actions.

So the thoughts are, "This is going to suck," "I'm going to fail," "I should have started sooner," "My professor hates me," "The other students hate me." The feelings are of course, sadness, maybe anger (that I have to deal with this), loneliness, perhaps others. So, change the thoughts, I guess. "You started late, but you can still put together something halfway decent." "You don't really know how the other students feel about you, if anything, and what does it matter?" "You've always had a hard time reading faces, body language, voices, so don't decide yet how others feel about you until you've got more information." Something like that.

Love Red Dwarf by the way.