Going Forward Never Backwards

[FixingmyLife]

This is the start of my new journal. I normally have my biggest problems with the weekends but this one was good. Last night I went out with a friend and shot some pool and overall it was a good time. It pretty much carried me throughout the whole day today and I had very few urges. I have been trying to be proactive and I believe the best way to beat this is to:
1. Keep the access to p as minimal as possible(aka no access)
2. Get professional help to deal with whatever made me turn to P
3. Get my SO on board with my recovery so that we can heal together
4. Get a program to help with my recovery

I have done all of these things and as a result I know I'm in a better place now than I have ever been. The urges aren't gone but they aren't going to dictate my life anymore. My wife is due to return home in a little over a week and I want her to see a man who is changing for the better.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I have been trying to be proactive and I believe the best way to beat this is to:
1. Keep the access to p as minimal as possible(aka no access)
2. Get professional help to deal with whatever made me turn to P
3. Get my SO on board with my recovery so that we can heal together
4. Get a program to help with my recovery

Just asking, I assume that by #1 that you already have a internet filter installed on your computer right?
If you don't have it, the there is no way to make #1 work for you.

#4 I am hoping that you are meaning you plans to beat this addiction. If you are saying that your program is your recovery plan, then, make sure it works. you can read through so many journals here, and you can see what others are doing in ther life. though it looks like they have a good plan, just remember that there plan, may not always work for you in your recovery.

I feel that any recovery plan that we choose to use, needs to be custom tailored made recovery plan, that fit all of our needs. what works for one person, may not work for another. only you know what it is that you need to get rid of this addiction.

I just again want to let you know, that this recovery plan that you make for yourself, needs to be a good one. if not, you will not do good in your recovery. All we want to see, is you being free from this for lot longer time. FOREVER. And if you work this plan, there is no reason to not beat this addiction

Again, if you do not have a filter installed, you need to have one on your computer at this time. you can not have anyway to allow yourself to get to your old sites.

Good luck to you my friend

[FixingmyLife]

Just asking, I assume that by #1 that you already have a internet filter installed on your computer right?
If you don't have it, the there is no way to make #1 work for you.

#4 I am hoping that you are meaning you plans to beat this addiction. If you are saying that your program is your recovery plan, then, make sure it works. you can read through so many journals here, and you can see what others are doing in ther life. though it looks like they have a good plan, just remember that there plan, may not always work for you in your recovery.

I feel that any recovery plan that we choose to use, needs to be custom tailored made recovery plan, that fit all of our needs. what works for one person, may not work for another. only you know what it is that you need to get rid of this addiction.

I just again want to let you know, that this recovery plan that you make for yourself, needs to be a good one. if not, you will not do good in your recovery. All we want to see, is you being free from this for lot longer time. FOREVER. And if you work this plan, there is no reason to not beat this addiction

Again, if you do not have a filter installed, you need to have one on your computer at this time. you can not have anyway to allow yourself to get to your old sites.

Good luck to you my friend

In response to your questions I have both a filter and covenant eyes installed. My smart phone does not have internet access and I disabled wireless on my router so I can't use internet on my ipod. I even took my PS3 controllers to my wife who's in another country so I couldn't use the internet on my PS3. Trust me I have my bases covered. As far as my recovery plan I have been on Candeo and using that for the past month and a half. I have been doing the training and exercises and my wife has as well. I have put a lot of thought and effort into this and the reason why I'm only 2 weeks clean is because of the trial and error I had at the start. Even though four steps may seem basic there's a lot more detail in those steps that I didn't mention. I like to keep things simple so that it doesn't seem overwhelming and that is what works for me. This plan will work. I know it will.

[Chiron]

I wish you and your wife the best. I'm happy to hear that you are making positive changes.

[FixingmyLife]

Today I figured I would give a little background on myself. I'm in my late 20's and I would say this addiction has been part of my life since I was about 12. I had a very hard childhood, filled with drug abuse (both parents), foster homes, beatings, poverty, and more things that I would rather forget. I came to the realization that this addiction was my coping mechanism for everything I went through growing up. Unfortunately I wasn't able to shake the habit and it followed me into adulthood.
I decided to get serious about fixing myself when my wife sought a guy outside the marriage to make her happy. I found forums and got a filter and started trying to make things right. Unfortunately it wasn't enough and she found a second guy to make her happy. I was willing to forgive and forget the first time since in a way I felt I deserved it, but the second time was extremely hard for me. She ended up going back to her parents house since she said that "I can't promise you I won't see him when you're in class". That tore me up pretty good. In a way I can identify with both the PA's and the SO's. I felt what it was like to be on both sides.
After she left life was difficult. I was angry and upset at both her and myself. I found a counselor to help me deal with those issues plus my childhood issues and it helped me out a lot.
I figured out one of the best ways for me to get my point across was by sending emails to my wife. Whenever we spoke on the phone we would blow up at each other and nothing would get resolved. So I started writing her and thanks to her own therapy we started to agree more and fight less.
I haven't been 100% clean since she's been gone but I've been honest with her when I messed up. Now I've got about 8 days until she returns so we can really start putting our life back together.

[FixingmyLife]

Sometimes I feel depressed by these forums. I look at when I made my intro and only got a couple of welcomes and see people who posted right after me get like 9 or 10. I left another forum because I never got any support and I hope this doesn't turn out like that. I'm keeping a positive outlook though that it will turn around.
I was thinking to myself of this one song. "If today was your last day". It means a lot. How would I want my wife and family to think of me if I died tomorrow. Would I want them to be shocked at what was on my computer or would I want them to be proud of me for doing the best I could. At this moment in time I could say I would be proud of myself and that is what I want to feel every minute of every day from now on.
My wife wrote down what she wanted from me moving forward from this point in the relationship. It was a very touching list. She didn't mention this problem at all. It shows me that she isn't letting it dictate her life or control her feelings. I'm proud of her and I'm thankful everyday that she came into my life. Before I met her I had no idea what it was like to be loved or love someone and now I can say I know what it feels like for both.

[JenMac]

Hi Fixingmylife!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you are here and I am sorry you are feeling that you have not received the support you were hoping for. I would like to just tell you to give it a little time. I know that I was anxious for answers in the beginning as well but it took a little time before that happened consistently. In time you will build connections with others and I hope TTF will become the blessing for you that it has been for me!!
FML, you have the unique perspective of having been on both sides of betrayal and so that may actually be of some assistance to you in your recovery as I can see you are already using it as such! I think it really does help when we can put ourselves in another person's shoes, especially those closest to us!!
I like your plan so far FML! I think it is simple and solid. As you go forward with it I am sure you will find more learning will help you put things even more in perspective for you.
I think it is great that you chose to write to your wife about your thoughts and feelings. I think there is a lot of power in the written word! I think that is a tool that you could continue to use moving forward.
There are also a couple of good books on healing relationships that others talk about here. One is The Love Dare which is awesome!! The other is one Letting Go talks about, the name espcapes me at the moment but I will try to find it. It sounds awesome as well! Both talk about love being an action rather than a feeling and how we can foster love by actively practising it.
FML, I am so sorry for the difficult childhood you have lived through! It saddens me to hear of that. But I must tell you, that often times I have witnessed the strongest people have lived through the most difficult times. And here you are, striving to 'fix your life' and I think that is very admirable!!
Welcome FML!
Wishing you all the best!!
Jenn

[Rockinastorm]

Welcome to TTF, Fixingmylife!

Your story is a real heart-breaker! Like Jenn said, you have been on both sides here, and that gives you a unique perspective. It sounds like you and your wife have a lot of healing to do, and I am so happy that it seems like the both of you are working towards doing everything you can! I am really impressed that you are so strong and still working for this. Keep it up! I'm rooting for you!

[tntang]

hey mann i know what u mean about the posts i noticed the same thing just yesterday some people seem to cater to only certion people like are pa s are different we are all in the same boat i will help whenever i can i do not pick and chose i feel everyone deserves to be supported as for your so it makes me sad to here the things she has done but that is out of your control u cannot blame yourself and there will be other so and u can start the relationship with honesty and communication are actions can influence choices but we do not make them do anything that is there choice sorry to here about your childhood also mine was not pretty either u are much younger then i am so u still got a shot at along healthy life putting the past behind u is a start when i think about all the bad that has happened to me and all the bad i have done i run right to p to help me forget the pain but i dont forget and the p makes it worse i never learn many socil skills or intimacy skills or how to interact in a healthy relationship but then again i have never tryed to learn any i am trying now stay strong and i am here and i am interested and cars about your life and tour recovery

[FixingmyLife]

Thanks Jen, Rock, and Tntang. I appreciate all of you coming through for me. That is what I was missing before and it made my day to see people taking an active interest in my life and recovery.
After my depressing childhood post I think it's fitting that I talk about my life after 18. I joined the military, managed to get promoted 5 times and then the military decided to give me a full ride scholarship to a university so I could get my degree and become an officer. I'm about 3 weeks away from completing my first year and I have one more to go before I get commisioned. So my life hasn't turned out too bad. I managed to make the best out of a pretty bad start.
Now I hope to turn my marriage around the same as I did with my life. Both my wife and I have decided that it's clean slate time when she returns and we have both agreed to support each other as best we can while we work through this. Even though sometimes she gets upset that I have this problem I like to remind her that she is the only person that made me feel like I needed to change my life. I never even thought of quitting before, but at the thought of losing her, hell I didn't even think twice.
As far as my own recovery goes I've been doing well. I've been pretty good at realizing when I'm getting that feeling and I keep myself occupied to get through it. As another trick I added a picture of my wife as a screensaver. It's from a vacation we had to Italy a while back. She was really happy and we had a great time. It makes me smile everytime I see it and it definitely keeps me focused.