Homemade Cookies by Elias

[EliasHeart]

Good day everyone.

This being my second post, I am new to TTF. I feel it is relevant that my second post is actually be a copy of my first post, since it is a summary of myself and serves as a personal reminder of my travel to this point in my life.

In kindness,
Elias

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First post:


Hello Soldiers,

P is an intense beast which requires constant vigilance. I can never fool myself in believing that I'm cured from the grips of P. I've read many of your posts and have been quite impressed with everyone's openness and progress in this battlefield. As a result, I have decided to join your legion.

My name is Elias and I have been PA for a very long time. PA was a beast that took control over my life. It was present in all of my different stages: school, university, job, promotions, etc. My P habits got progressively worse and more dangerous over time. I never realized that an innocent image that I joked about at as a middle-school kid would later lead into a full blown PA, which would cripple my whole future.

It was about a year ago when I had an awaking. I realized that if didn't make a serious decision - then my life, my future, my ambitions, my family, my spirit and soul - everything would soon parish. I would have lost. Lost dreams, lost hopes. Lost the meaning of the essence of my life.

It was this opening that compelled me into recovery. I started by speaking to my mentor/coach about my addiction and that I needed help. Though it was painful to reveal, instead of being judged, he gave me huge support which later helped me join Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), later Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), amongst helping myself with other personal coaching programs.

It's been a little over a year, and I’m feeling great. The journey had been very hard. I know that the cravings are still there, but I have made strides in subjugating this monster (P), rather than being subjugated. I believe in the last 9 or so months, I can count the number of times I’ve acted out on my hands.

I've now joined this site to help myself in my own recovery while providing support to other recovering addicts. Through my community role as a youth counselor and also through my own recovery journey, people have approached me for support in their own PA struggle. I have a lot I can share through my experience, stories, journey, and pitfalls along the way, as well as benefit in my own exciting journey of self discovery.

I want to congratulate every one of you, including myself, for being here. Being on this path of recovery is the single greatest solution - bigger than recovery itself. The soldiers wounded on the battle field have the same status in honor as the soldiers who capture the kingdom. However, the soldiers who get wounded on the field, who get up, and continue to fight even harder – they are the real men!

To all my fellow soldiers out there!

Best,
Elias

[EliasHeart]

Good afternoon everyone,

Third post and ready to begin!

I was contemplating how I would approach my "cookie journal". From my previous post, my main intention on joining this site is 2 fold: (1) to continue to share and help discover myself as well as (2) to help others in their recovery path.

A little about myself:
I'm blessed to have a strong support network in my life. I have a great mentor, role model, and friend who I meet and share with weekly. I have a loving wife who is very caring and with whom I can share my feelings with openly. I have friends who are in PA recovery programs. I have been with SA and referred friends to SA. I continue to gain insight from my role as a youth counselor. I also try to maintain a healthy balance of sports, singing/dancing, quality time with my family, reading and educating myself, and enjoying life altogether. Overall, I've re-taken control of my life, day-by-day, in order that I remain vigilant against P attacks. I keep a positive attitude on life and on the mistakes I make, in order that I don't make myself weak through self-punishment.

My days are quite packed, so excuse me in advance if I don't write very frequent in my journal. I will try to focus more attention and time on helping others in their struggle while occasionally posting here. I feel this would give the biggest benefit to the community, while also helping me reflect on struggles in my own life.

Finally, I've named my thread "Homemade cookies". There are so many analogies I could make from this. Overall, homemade cookies are a symbol of light-heartedness, caring, joy, and optimism: the perfect ingredients needed for recovery!

Enjoy the cookies,
Elias ~o)

[HopeandDespair]

Elias, thank you for sharing. . . I look forward to learning from your experiences and insights regarding the nature of this addiction and how to beat it. It is encouraging to read of somebody who has experienced the success that you describe. I want that. . .

[Zachary]

I enjoy reading what you write Elias. Keep it up.

[Rockinastorm]

Elias, It is great to see you here. It sounds like you have an extaordinary about of experience both first and second-hand in battling PA/SA. I think it is great how you have taken control of your life! I look forward to hearing your story and insight, and I want to thank you for your wonderfully inspiring message.

Have a good one!

[EliasHeart]

.......answer continued from previous post above.


My Recommendations
I would actually not recommend disclosing to her the full extent of your PA and your affairs with other women. I believe strongly about open communication and honesty, but this may be too devastating for her. You’ve been blessed with a gift of an addiction hidden from your wife, in order that you can recover, repair, and lead a wonderful, loving and happy life together without her suffering as the victim.

What we seek through disclosure is to ultimately overcome our lust in order to have a loving relationship with our wives. A happy life together needs to be sowed through love. Revealing the full extent of the PA/SA may not be the right decision to this ultimate goal.

Rather, you should disclose through other means. The TTF forum is a great place! If you get yourself a sponsor through the sobriety circle, you’re off to a great start. Also in your local community look up Sex Addict Anonymous (SAA) and/or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) programs, which are great ways to disclose and be accountable.

I would also suggest strengthening the bonds between you and your wife. Needless to say, that means not engaging in any more physical relations with others while also un-rooting yourself from P. Work on yourself through recovery and at the same time work on your relationship with her. The deeper in love you fall with her the less tempted you will be with others.

Small hints of your weakness may also actually build respect by being vulnerable to her – just don’t go too far or it may lead to her being hurt. Saying things such as, “I get worried by seeing provocative images everywhere I go because I only want to think of you, not images of others.” I tell others, however, that if you do say things like this – make sure you mean it.

The thing I worry about is that women are amazing at picking up on everything. Eventually, something happens and the partner finds out. Personally, it would be rather impossible for me to act out and hide it, since my wife doesn’t have to discover P – she can read my mind!

GoodQuestioner, there is hope for you. I was able to manage my PA/SA, while working fully on my relationship with my wife. This morning my wife texted me at work, “love you my dear…have a great day.” We love each other deeply. I really wish you all the best through recovery and hope you fall madly in love with your wife. :)

You’re on the right path by being on this path of recovery. Congratulations so far. I guarantee you that the fruits of your struggle will be greater happiness than you can even imagine!

In kindness,

Elias ~o)

[EliasHeart]

(PART 1) - Part 2 continuation is posted in the previous entry above.


Hello Everyone,

I received an excellent private question this weekend. The person asked such a good question, I want to share my answer. I've edited it, of course to not reveal his name. I hope this can be as much of a benefit to others as it was to myself.

P.S. Guys, lets remember to go easy on our wives :).


Best,
Elias ~o)


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QUESTION
What is your take on fully disclosing my P use with my wife? Is it necessary to tell her? If so, how much of it should I share? Is it necessary to get into detail about it? I've also cheated on her numerous times - do you think I should get into detail about all of that too?

I understand that it is important to be honest with oneself, but if I fully disclose everything to my wife, she is going to be absolutely devastated. I fear she may break up with me.

Need a little guidance and insight on this subject.

Thanks,
GoodQuestioner


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ANSWER
Hello GoodQuestioner,

One of my mentors often says, “The quality of our lives is determined about the questions we ask”. This is an extremely important question, so keep it up!

The first step to overcoming PA is to surrender oneself to recovery. This entails being completely honest that we have a crippling PA. Disclosure of PA is a necessary component to being honest with ourselves, in order that we may seek help outside our own willpower to tackle this addiction. We disclose in order to lighten the load off our chest, and in order that we may find help through others.

So as you see, disclosure is in reality for ourselves. Disclosure is to take ourselves to account – not to be taken to account by other people.

The issue then becomes who you disclose to, and whether this should be your wife:

In a emotional relationship, people want to feel loved. Men and women feel loved differently. Countless experts say that men seek love through respect, and women seek love through affection and being cherished.

Affection of Her
P and affairs cripple the woman’s feeling of affection since it makes her feel un-cherished. Women feel like they aren’t attractive enough to fulfill all the man’s desires when a man seeks another relationship to compensate “what was lacking with her”. That’s why for many women, a man’s lustful fantasy of other women may actually be as harmful as the actual act of looking at P. This is because at its root, both show an emotional connection to a woman other than the wife. This leads to an even greater emotional devastation of the wife if she finds out of an actual physical affair.

Respect of Him
Women’s general perspective of P is that it is disgusting. That’s slowly changing these days, but most women typically don’t get it. If a man fully discloses his PA on his spouse, she has a big challenge of not judging the husband as a “gross person”. In effect, the woman ends up losing respect for the man. The “grossness” factor will likely be greater if she was to find out of actual physical relations with others. Since the vulnerability shown by the husband is not likely to be met with immediate understanding by the wife, the husband could feel ashamed of himself, which in turns actually makes him loose respect of himself –a crippling ingredient to the relationship and to recovery.

A Woman’s Response to Loss of Affection and Respect
Women react differently in how they react to the loss of affection and respect. Commonly spouses will respond by feeling deeply hurt by their partners. Others, however, may become angry and some may even become understanding and compassionate. Depending on the gravity of the situation and what’s been invested into the relationship so far, some may decide to stay and become closer over time and some may even decide to leave. You are the best at perceiving your wife’s response to this situation which will ultimately guide your decision.

My Recommendations
I would actually not recommend disclosing to her the full extent of your PA and your affairs with other women.


Answer continued in the post above......

[JenMac]

You’ve been blessed with a gift of an addiction hidden from your wife, in order that you can recover, repair, and lead a wonderful, loving and happy life together without her suffering as the victim.


Hi EliasHeart!
Welcome to TTF! Congratulations on the success you are finding in your personal recovery!
I read with interest your answer to the question that was posed to you by private message. While I can understand some of what you are saying, I have to say that I certainly do not agree with the premise of the statement above.
I am an SO here and I have been very hurt by the place I find myself in and the betrayal and the secrets that my H kept from me. I was devastated to find out the things I did and it has taken a long time to get to where we are at present.
Some of the things I would worry about with this approach would be:
-will recovery be possible without truth and honesty being present?
-will recovery be lasting without truth and honesty?
-what if the PA's wife discovers something on her own?
-the PA would lose the opportunity to be forthright and honest by choosing to keep quiet.
-will there be enough incentive to remain Pfree without the partner knowing?
-how can a relationship be truly close and intimate without truth and honesty?
While this has been a long and painful journey that my H Mac and I have been on, I would have to say it has been truly amazing what has transpired because of this journey. Things are by no means perfect but we are closer and happier than perhaps we have ever been.
The person who posed this question has the opportunity to be open and forthright with their spouse before they find out about it. They are choosing recovery for themselves and I think that that is an awesome thing. What they choose to reveal to their spouse is of course their own decision but knowing that they want to change their lives, I think that advising them to not relate this to their spouse is a risky thing at best!
As an SO, I had to decide what was best for me to know in way of details. I thought long and hard about that very thing. I chose carefully about what I wanted/needed to know as I did not want to get mired down in the details of it all. But I really do believe that I have the right to all of the information that is there for me to know, if I choose to know it. Yes it is going to cause hurt and pain, but knowledge is power and I would not want to be kept in the dark about this indefinately.
I think by divulging this to your partner, before it is accidentally discovered, you are showing how important your recovery is to you! Yes, the risk is there that she may end the relationship but that risk was there all along, wasn't it?
Sorry for the long winded reply Elias! Just couldn't let that go by without a 2nd opinion!
All the best!
Jenn

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

In my experience, hidden addiction is a continued addiction.

[HopeandDespair]

Hey Elias! Keep posting, I look forward to reading more of your experience!