The Haphazard Journey of A PA (part 1)

[ReformingForHer]

This will be my first journal entry on TTF...To be quite honest, I've NEVER been good at keeping journals; But I'm willing to do what I need to do in order to get past my PA and make my sure my relationship with my SO stays intact. I'm not exactly sure as to how and/or where to start this first entry, but any start is better than none I guess...

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I'm in a long distance relationship with my SO. It's practically cross-country, so the distance between us hurts us equally hard. We've been talking for at least 2 years, but we made it official about 5 months ago. With everything that's inside of me, I love this woman so much. The very depths of my soul would burst out and sing praises as to how awesome she is to me if it could...But before I was with her, I lived a very selfish and single life that, to be honest, I was undoubtedly used to.

For years (since I was maybe 12 or 13) I've always watched P. When I was young, it was something to watch because I wasn't suppose to at my age. When I got older, and became more attuned with my body, it was something I MB to as part of "learning" and practice I guess. Later down the line it was something that I watched often and frankly didn't care who knew if I watched and/or MB to or not. Over the years, I did feel bad sometimes about P and MB to it. But I pretty much figured that it wasn't THAT bad to watch since a lot of people do too (I was never on the "everybody is doing it" thing. I don't believe that. But I do believe that a large handful of individuals do).

Now, don't misjudge anything -I talked to plenty of women; I had a rather active sex life. But majority of the time I was single. I wasn't always around people. I had A LOT of free-time, so it didn't strike any chords with me that it was bad to look at P as much as I did at all. My past relationships either didn't press too much about it bothering them, or watched it themselves which in essence made it acceptable between us.

ALL of that thinking changed when I started talking to my SO...Her mind, her personality and of course her beauty drew me to her like a building sized magnet. She was someone that I was more than ready to be with and stay with forever. But, she was also someone that wasn't fond AT ALL of my not too tasteful male habits. Especially P.

Now originally, I didn't realize I was a PA till the 2nd or 3rd month into our relationship. But it was established prior that P was not acceptable. I told her that I wouldn't but it wasn't a promise that I unfortunately was all that motivated of keeping.

When she did find out about me still looking at it (and among other things that weren't P related) it was terrible...I really felt like what I did was inexcusable, stupid and disrespectful. I betrayed her trust and practically the foundation of our entire relationship. I never meant to hurt her. I didn't know or even think about how much that kind of stuff would make her feel. I love her too much to ever have her feeling the multitude of emotions she experienced.

I wasn't going to have it happen again. I wasn't going to have my stupidity and irrational habits ruin my relationship with her. I gave her my word that I wouldn't go disrespect our relationship with that mess again. I dedicated myself to staying away from everything harm to our relationship, including P.

I guess you could say I cold turkey myself. I took anything and everything away from myself P related. For a good couple of weeks, I actually good...But then I slipped back into it again. It was almost as if I never tried at all. Once she figured out that I was back to it, things got really bad between us.

There was one thing this she did bring up that made me start to think though differently about the situation. She was curious to know if I was addicted to it. At first I thought that that couldn't be possible. But once I really REALLY thought about it a lot of the typical symptoms related to me so easily. It was hard to deny what was real. I was a PA...I was someone that I thought would never turnout to be myself...

I feel like I've put too much for my first entry, but I like I said a start is better than none at all. I'll catch up on the rest in the next entry. Thank you...

[JenMac]

HI RFH!
Again, welcome to TTF and to your own personal journal!
That is a great first post! I know how very hard that can be when we first come here, so you should be proud of yourself for putting your thoughts out there.
RFH, you will learn much as you move ahead here! There are many here who will give you support and suggestions based on their own experiences. And that is the awesome thing about being here, you are receiving assistance from people who have experienced what you have!!
My H, Mac, did not realize the full extent of this problem when we first began here either. It has been a full year of learning for both of us! But we are here, in it together, and we are stronger and wiser than we have ever been.
I may have told you in your first post, that like you, Mac was doing this for me in the beginning, to save our marriage. Somewhere along the way RFH, that all changed and Mac realized that he needed to do this for himself too, to become a man that he could be proud of, and to build his confidence. It has been an awesome awakening RFH! It almost seemed to good to hope for but I can tell you that it is such a positive thing and I hope you experience the same in yourself.
All the best to you and your SO RFH!
I am glad you are here together! Wishing you both healing!
Jenn

[ReformingForHer]

Thank you very much Jen. I guess expressing myself does in turn help me improve as well. I am starting to understand about what you mean about helping myself first before I focus on anything else.

Things have been hard for me as I go through this journey to recovery. My SO is going through a lot as well as she deals with all the insecurities and horrible feelings she had went through previously with her ex that was also a PA (except he was very much less willing to quit being addicted).
I remind her of him in so many was, and I don't want be that at all. Shes been going through a lot of negative emotions more frequently and it makes me awful because I'm the REASON why she feels the way she does...but I feel like, even though I caused the pain I should also be able to heal it as well. And even if I don't heal it completely, at least patch it up to a reasonable extent.
She let's me know how she feels about the situation regularly. It's something that plagues her so much because of how often I've hurt her. I never intended to break her. I love her entirely too much to even attempt it. But the fact is is that I did break her and it hurts so much...
She knows I'm doing my best to recover. She knows I try so hard. But at the same times, she sometimes wants to give up trying with me. I don't blame her, but it makes me extremely sad knowing that my SO teeters between being there for me and leaving me alone, with the weighs tilting towards leaving me...
I don't know what to do to work things out better for me and her both. Shes the only woman in my life that knows my PA. Leaving me alone would really destroy me and my moral to continue on recovery....I guess all I can do is give it time and work harder at making a better me than before.

[Rockinastorm]

First I want to say to you: Congratulations for the bravery you have shown here already. Your courage in expressing yourself will help guide you through some difficult times; as it did when you were able to admit your PA. (A very very tough thing to do!)

I am glad to hear that your SO is aware of your PA, even though it hurt her so much. Would you be here now if she didn't care?
Sometimes painful moments can turn into blessings, especially if you take action!
And you are here!
Have you considered bringing your SO to this site?
Me and my SO have been working through the pain I caused, for nearly 10 whole months now. We are in college a few hours away and this has been a great communication tool for us, as well as a place for each of us to get the support we need.

I can sympathize with not wanting to hurt your SO.
Make sure you keep her in the loop as much as possible with everything you are doing to recover. It might be a good idea to write that stuff down (if you don't already).. that way you spend more time "living" it!

Keep posting, and update us on how you are doing.
Have a great day!

[JenMac]

I don't know what to do to work things out better for me and her both. Shes the only woman in my life that knows my PA. Leaving me alone would really destroy me and my moral to continue on recovery....I guess all I can do is give it time and work harder at making a better me than before


Hi RFH!
You have to be willing to do whatever it takes! YOu need to learn to ask her what she needs and she needs to learn to be able to express to you what she needs to heal. That communication is so very important as you move along on this path to recovery.
Not sure how long it has been for you RFH, but I do know that as you move along on this path, that much learning will take place, both for you and for her.
Right now, you are just reacting. You are trying to save your relationship by doing whatever needs to be done. And that is okay!
But as you move ahead, you will need to learn what this addiction has taken from you, how it has affected you and those around you. You will need to learn how to make things right in your own mind and in how you interact with the most important person in your life.
Let me tell you RFH, this learning can be a wonderful thing! It can lead to a whole new awakening for you and for your relationship. But it takes a lot of committment and hard work along the way.
Mac and I are here, one year later, stronger, wiser and happier than perhaps we have ever been. I would not have foreseen that a year ago!
I am wishing you and your partner the very best! I know that it can be done when 2 people are very committed. I am hoping that is the case for you both!
This journey is long RFH. But it can be wonderful! When 2 people are in it together, the results can be more than you ever imagined!!
You are here RFH, that is such a good start!
All the best!
Jenn

[ReformingForHer]

I'm sorry if I haven't been so quick on responses and posting in my journal. Thank you to everyone for your words of insight and assistance. This one is just really quick seeing as I'm just letting out my thoughts at the current situation.



My SO and I just finished arguing...how it even ended in her hanging up on me, I'm not exactly sure. What I do know is that I'm hurt, angry and confused; but more confused than the other feelings. It felt almost as if she was starting a argument with me on purpose for something that was very small...I'm not sure why, and I could be wrong but that's how it felt at the time.

Earlier today she proposed that we should stop talking on the phone (our prime source of communication) for three months so that we could work on each other better in order to fix our relationship. I said no to the idea, mainly because I feel that as a couple that we should handle all issues, troubles, problems etc. together as a couple. We, originally as individuals, didn't come together only to settle things like individuals again. It doesn't make sense to me. I also don't believe in the whole "break" idea; especially since we're in a long distance relationship. The main way we can only interact and communicate with each other is through the phone....I can't seem to understand what is going on.
I feel so upset and at the same time somehow at fault, even though I know it's not completely mine....I don't know...I guess I'll just sleep on it for now....