Chiron's Peculiar Orbit

[Chiron]

Day 3 as an active member here. About to go in the hospital for a 12 hour shift as a part of my part of my nursing practicum; I graduate from nursing school in may and still have to take the big test after that for liscensure. I work with suicidal patients and can relate well cause i've staggered near the edge myself and continue to visit alternating states of relative sanity and outright madness. I'm really thankful for this site. Gotta go,
Chiron

[Phil413]

I'm really glad you're here, Chiron, and I wish you all the best in your recovery!

Phil

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Chiron
I just want to say that I am glad that you are here to get help. you will soon see that we are all here for you, and we are willing to help you through all that you are going through. It is always so encouraging to see others come here, because they no that they cant do this on there own.

Good luck to you in your recovery my friend. I will check back in with you, to see how you are doing

[Chiron]

I feel like I’m seeing how big this is and I don’t want it to be real. I don’t want to be a porn addict. I don’t want this to slowly get better. I don’t want this to be true.
I have been so good at secrets that I could pretend that what nobody else knew didn’t count. I’ve been this way so long. This is the darkest, most hidden place. When I was 13-years-old, I had no idea that seeking porn was even wrong. Everything got so enmeshed and by the time I figured out I had a problem I had acquired a lifetime struggle.
I hate myself a lot of times. I’m tired. Fought temptation tonight. 3 days sober. I can’t handle the truth, but I need it. Yours truly in self-absorption and compulsivity,

Chiron

[Rockinastorm]

I feel like I’m seeing how big this is and I don’t want it to be real. I don’t want to be a porn addict. I don’t want this to slowly get better. I don’t want this to be true.
I have been so good at secrets that I could pretend that what nobody else knew didn’t count. I’ve been this way so long. This is the darkest, most hidden place. When I was 13-years-old, I had no idea that seeking porn was even wrong. Everything got so enmeshed and by the time I figured out I had a problem I had acquired a lifetime struggle.
I hate myself a lot of times. I’m tired. Fought temptation tonight. 3 days sober. I can’t handle the truth, but I need it. Yours truly in self-absorption and compulsivity,

Chiron

Chiron,

Your whole post hits me really hard. I didn't want my PA to be real either. But after a few days of talking about it with my gf, I knew it was.
Acceptance was hard, but it brought with it relief. I didnt have to hide this from myself any more.
Good for you for fighting temptation tonight. Thats one more night done.
Take your time.
Be easy on yourself.
You are doing the right thing.

Be strong tonight!

[HopeandDespair]

"I have been so good at secrets that I could pretend that what nobody else knew didn't count."

That's me. I am honest to the point at which I stop simply confirming what is already known. I wind up saying something like, "Well, now you know everything." When in reality I'm saying, "Well, now you know everything that you already know." I'm one sick son of a bitch. I have a long way to go with the whole honesty thing. Ugh. . . I feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm new to this site as well. . . hope you continue posting, I can really relate to what you've been writing.

[rosie]

Hey Chiron - welcome, and cool name by the way ;)

I Assume by your journal title that you are referring to the planet Chiron... but what I found interesting and irreverently amusing was the other meaning of Chiron - the Greek centaur. Wiki says the following...

Like the satyrs, centaurs were notorious for being wild and lusty, overly indulgent drinkers and carousers, given to violence when intoxicated, and generally uncultured delinquents. Chiron, by contrast, was intelligent, civilized and kind, but he was not related directly to the other centaurs. [2] He was known for his knowledge and skill with medicine.

I thought that was cool because you are being like Chiron - you are turning away from the overly indulgent carousers (porn lovers) and you are being intelligent, civilized and kind by giving up P.
Also thought it was cool that he was known for medicine and you're a nurse.

Okay, this is weird, sorry for cluttering your journal with this useless banter - I will go now. LOL :((

Be good Chiron! You are among friends here.

Yours truly in self-absorption and compulsivity, Rosie. :D

[waterlily327]

Day 3 as an active member here. About to go in the hospital for a 12 hour shift as a part of my part of my nursing practicum; I graduate from nursing school in may and still have to take the big test after that for liscensure. I work with suicidal patients and can relate well cause i've staggered near the edge myself and continue to visit alternating states of relative sanity and outright madness. I'm really thankful for this site. Gotta go,
Chiron

Hey Chiron, I am Rockinastorms SO (I hope that you don't mind a SO posting on your journal). I am also a senior nursing major (just finished my practicum on a cardiac floor!) and getting ready for NCLEX too. I understand how stressful nursing school is--it sent me off the deep end with my eating disorder for a few years. Anyway--not to ramble on about myself here in your journal, but I just wanted to let you know that you are free to PM me if you ever need to rant about nursing school! I know stress triggers my BF's PA, and I know how much stress you must be under right now. Welcome to TTF, and congrats on starting this journey! Just coming here was a huge step and I am proud of you for that. Keep up the good work. I wish you the best!

[Chiron]

I’m in a really good mood right now. I’ve known for a while that abstaining from p makes me a happier person, but sooner or later the momentum of the habit is just too strong for me. This is day 5 p and mb free. It really helped to have this site to go to right when I woke up the past couple of days. It is not unusual for me to go about a week without. When the craving hits me again, however, it will be very difficult.

Thanks to everybody for writing to me. Rockinastorm and HopeandDespair: I see many similarities between our situations and I’m glad to have found you guys.

Rock: I dug into your journal a bit and I really appreciated your candidness and honesty in the longer entry that you recommended coffee for. I can relate to feeling like your girl is too pure and you are too dirty, but consider this: there is something very beautiful about you that she likes and that is why she is trying to go through this with you.

Rosie: thanks for welcoming me and I’m glad you dig the name. Chiron is in a very prominent place in my astrology chart and generally represents a wounded healer. I thought this was really cool because I was already pursuing Psych Nursing when I found out about it.

Waterlily: Thanks for the support. Nursing school has been really tough. I think we picked a really awesome field though, as long as we can keep our hearts open to our patients and not become desensitized to them.

I really feel happy to have found support in facing something that has hurt me so much. I appreciate that the SO support is a part of the same site because seeing how pa has affected loved ones has been very sobering and powerful and has opened my eyes to ways I’ve hurt my girlfriend that I hadn’t seen before. I’ve got a lot of secrets that have been eating at me for a long time. I don’t know if I’m ready to share them all yet, but I think this might be the place where I finally free myself from being their sole caretaker. Thanks everybody and best wishes.

Chiron

[Chiron]

Meditate before 12 hr shift. Doing well for now. Tired from working. Will be thinking about everyone here and wishing you the best.